Help my teenage daughter is not happy!!!

Kimberly - posted on 03/08/2009 ( 21 moms have responded )

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I have a 15 year old daughter from a previous relationship. She is currently living with me, but the unfortunate part is that she HATES my husband!!! She will do almost anything to split us up... I agree that my husband doesnt treat her like a daughter but it goes both ways. I have tried to tell Jess that if she only respects my husband than she will get that in return. I understand if they dont have a dad - daughter relationship, and thats okay with me, but for crying out loud, dont bring the whole family into this... She doesnt even want to live under the same roof... She refuses to come home if he is here...anyone have advise???

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Denise - posted on 03/09/2009

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I'm sorry to hear of your trouble. I think the solution should begin with the adult and not the child...she is, after all, a child...and a teenager at that with all the emotional upheavals that teenagers go through, even teens without step parent issues are on an emotional roller coaster...it's their nature. Your husband probably doesn't know where to begin...perhaps finding a support group for him, of other step parents going through the same thing to help him figure out how to build a better relationship with your daugther?

User - posted on 01/16/2013

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def a tough situation. I feel for you mom.
I use to be that angry teenager who did not like my stepfather. Not because he did anything wrong, but simply because he was there. He also felt discouraged after awhile and stopped trying. My poor mom was left in the middle.
My mom had to have a lot of patients with both of us and draw clear, specific boundaries. Stepdad does not discipline, that is up to mom. Stepdad may voice his opinions and grievance but only to mom. Child does not have to "love" stepfather but she must respect him at all times. Disrespect will b not b tolerated under any circumstances. child may voice opinions and grievances to mom as well.
I think counseling may help also. Eventually you want stepdad and stepchild to speak directly with each other rather than using u as a communication tool. But until they can b civil with each other, it may be better to do it this way.

As a side note, I would also look at the situation very objectively. Is your new partner really a good role model for your child? Does your child have any merrit for disliking him?
How about your daughter. Is she using this situation to meet a selfish need? (let's face it, most teenagers can be selfish)

Sheila - posted on 11/24/2012

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ONLY god can judge!! There is no manual for parenting, you wing it as best as you can. i would assume all mothers would go above and beyond for their children. I would recommend spending more time with her and maybe even doing girly things with her and/or things she likes. Counseling would also help and maybe even joining a social group. Teens are stubborn and often times won't listen, however do hear you.have your husband step back while you step in and handle the situation. She'll come around eventually and start to accept him. You'll just have to be patient. Also think about how this is also affecting him as well. If he's sticking by you regardless of what's going on, then Kudos to him for being a responsible Man. Issues such as this one can break a family apart. If he hasn't ran away yet and supports you through all of this, then you're a lucky gal because he doesn't have to stick around. When the going gets tough and chaos kicks into gear, some men will bail. I wish all of the best and hope that it all works out for you. Remember: she's a teenager and will eventually grow out of her stage of entitlement and bratiness.

Rebecca - posted on 03/12/2009

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I think your husband should reach out to her since he is the adult, with little kind gestures. If you do dinners at the table, have him reach out to her by asking her about her day. Have him tell her about his day. It sounds like they don't have much of a positive relationship, or any relationship. I think if your husband really makes an effort alot of the issues will dissipate. She probably has a lot of pent up frustration, but love softens a hard heart. Good luck!

Donna - posted on 11/17/2012

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Have you stopped to think why she is behaving in a way you are finding it difficult have you stopped to wonder why? perhaps you could talk to her? instead of thinking she has a problem..... we have to look at our own behaviors too

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Jen - posted on 01/14/2013

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wow Roberta, judgy mcjudgerson!! You do realize that parents are still people, right? Having a happy parent helps the kids, end of story. As long as no one is doing anything to endanger their children (and it sure doesn't sound like she is) then there is absolutely nothing wrong with her remarrying, or dating or what have you.

I married my DH when DD was 4(she is now 16), and we had been together since she was 2 1/2, she calls him dad and he considers her his daughter. Her bio-dad is not and has never been in the picture. She still says stuff like "you're not my real dad" and "I wish you had never married him" blah blah blah. No, I don't take it seriously, she says it along the same lines as "I hate you" and "I didn't ask to be born", and it's usually after we ask her do to chores or say she can't go out at 11pm or something. I still take the lead in decisions regarding her, and discipline though.

ANYWAY.....I think it might be that your daughter isn't happy with the change, it did change her life after all, now she is expected to listen to and like this person who doesn't mean anything to her? Probably not going to go over so well with a teenager, they hate anything that affects them that they didn't decide on, lol, don't we all? Maybe get your DH to sit with you AND your DD, and he can say something like "I know I'm not your dad, I'm not going to try to be, I'd like to get along with you - maybe the 3 of us could go out together and get to know each other?" Have him make an effort to say hi when he sees her, and to NOT react if she gets bitchy or rude to him - she really is just doing it to bug YOU and show you that you can't make her like him. She'll come around, eventually. She does need to treat him like she would treat any other person though, politely :)

Good luck!

Roberta - posted on 11/05/2012

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OK, not much help in your case, but something ALL mothers should not only consider, but heed. You took on the responsibility of being a mother. With that came an obligation to forgo some of your desires and wants - namely dating, finding another partner, getting married, having more children IF your original relationship fails.



That's right. Until your children are 18 or thereabouts, you have no right to bring strangers into their life and especially into their home. Sound harsh? Well, maybe it is, but it's the ONLY correct behavior for you to practice if you are, in fact, a good mother.



OH surprise, you remarried and you're experiencing problems. Can you really NOT UNDERSTAND WHY? Your selfishness and self-centeredness has come home to roost.



And what a great example you're setting as well.



If you are honest, you will admit that it was your own wants and desires, NOT your children, when you started dating, messing around and perhaps remarrying. You don't think your children see that and resent it? Why should they be asked to sacrifice for the MISTAKES you made and apparently continue to make?



So, now you find yourself with a daughter that resents your treatment of her. Don't bring the whole family into this? What the hell are you saying? OMG. You are so selfish and out of touch and you don't even see it.



You need serious professional help you selfish woman. Mother? HA, it takes more than going through pregnancy and labor to be a real mother.

Lynn - posted on 03/25/2009

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I HAVE ONE OF THOSE AS WELL.. SHE'S GOUCHIE DOESNT SMILE HAVE FUN OR WHATEVER....I LEAVE HER ALONE I JUST REMEMBER THAT ITS A PHAZE N WE ALL WENT THREW IT..HANG IN THERE

User - posted on 03/24/2009

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Kimberly, have you thought about family counseling? Or at least individual counseling? If it were my daughter, I would try to get outside help. I understand what you are saying about it going both ways, but honestly your husband needs to act like an adult even if your daughter is acting bad.  Does she give a reason for hating your husband?

Kiya - posted on 03/24/2009

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I have a 15 year old girl and she is never happy! Always miserable and looking for attention. I gotta say that  Iwould not want to be a teenager in this day in age, because it does not look fun! SMILE SOMETIMES, WILL YA!

Marianna - posted on 03/24/2009

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Yes, she is a minor and has no choice but to stay in your custody but minors if they are so unhappy can run away from you. have a similar situation. My 15 daughter hated my husband so much, she'd run away...often. Eventually, she moved in with my parents. ( to make a long story short, she managed to get herself kicked out her school and needed to attend another, hence the move. She admits to doing it purposely in order to get out of the house.) I understand how the respect goes both ways, but ultimately you husband is the adult in the situation. He should sit down with her and try to work it out. I think before it gets too far, you should all three go see a counselor together. Maybe there is a reason she is so unhappy with him. Perhaps she didn't want to share your time. Either way the sooner the better before it tears apart your relationship with your daughter. I waited too long to fix things and they went so far out of control my relationship with both my daughter and my husband are in jeopardy.
Hope this helps you out a little. I wish you and your family the best. Keep us updated on everything.

Ann Hilde - posted on 03/22/2009

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Soo many good advice here!! Lovely... I am in the same situation myself, but my daughter does not dislike my husband. What has worked for us is that my man has never tried to be a dad to her, although he has supported her in many positive ways. They have actually had some common interests that they have done together. I still see that when he tries to discipline her in any ways she immediately turns all spikes out. He ended up going some rounds with himself, trying to figure out why. He ended up concluding that he had been a bit too harsh on her, extending my regime of punishment and applying punishments I never used, and beeing a bit sarcastic and loose mouthed himself. He is after all the grown up, and is the one who has to watch his mouth. He thought back to how he was when he was a teenager, and realized that he had been a bit unfair to her. And remember: irony is something for the advanced brain, most kids don't get it until they are 12 or 13, and some even later. And not least: when agitated, the teenage brain shuts down. These hints are important to remember when dealing with any teenager...

Lynn - posted on 03/19/2009

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First of all Is her Dad in the picture? I am with someone who is not my kids father n sometimes they dont get along but I feel that as long as they BOTH!! respect each other anything else is GRAVY ..just give it some time n prayers (if u believe n them) WORKS..G LUCK

User - posted on 03/19/2009

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Hi i also have children from a previous relashionship and my oldest hated my new husband and any thought of us beeing tohether but first and formost she needs to respect him regardless but he also needs to respect ware she is comeing from and what helped bruce was getting to know my daughter on there own terms but he needs to make that happen once they got to know each other it got a lot easier and ya they still fight like you wouldnt believe but when push comes to shove they are best friends.hope all goes well and hang in there you are together and she needs to know that

Emma - posted on 03/11/2009

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She has to feel she comes first, its as simple as that. My daughter and husband thankfully get on as Dad and daughter although he isn't her biological Dad. Do you have any ideas why she hates your husband, is it a competition for your affection, if so set aside time regularly for the two of you. Also you should always take the decisions with regard to discipline and ask your husband to stay out of it, I know thats tough but my stepdaughter went through same thing with her stepdad and she left home as soon as she could, gladly things have improved now but she told me that she hated that her mum seemed to take her stepdads side and when she came to stay with us she saw how protective I was to my daughter and never let ANYONE interfere, I would ask hubbys opinion but he let me do it my way and it worked, they are the best of friends now and she adores him,its wonderful to see.



you need to take away her power, let her see that she is number 1 and that you respect her choice, don't force her to like him and time will tell, he needs to be genuine, kids are very savvy and know when they are being played. Good Luck, i know this is a tough one but blood is thicker than water and kids need constant reassrance that they come first.

Rhonda - posted on 03/10/2009

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I am sorry to hear about what is going on. I too have been having about the same problem with 15 year old daughter. She too hates her step dad. I tell them that they act so much alike that they might as well be father/daughter. She played on me back in January where she said that she was going to go and live with her dad. At first it hurt. But than I started playing her back at her own game. I told her if she left than she would have to take all of her things with her. She told me that I sound like I didn't want her around. I told her that it was her decision not mine. It took a couple of months but than she changed her attitude. If you would like to talk more just email me.

Gayla - posted on 03/09/2009

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God's word says, Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  But it goes on to say:  Father's, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.  Ephesians 6: 1 and 4.  You and your husband are one in the Lord.  Your child is his child now and he is responsible for being her Dad and being that role to her.    If the stability of your home is important to you, maybe you can all sit down and just give each other permission to begin again, start over.  As parents, set the example by apologizing for the mistakes you have made toward her, but set boundaries for her behavior and give her consequences.  The most important relationship in the family is the husband and wife.  Be united with each other, pick a time to talk to her, and allow her to voice what she is going through without fear of punishment.  Tell her what kind of family you want and have her included as daughter to both of you.  She must feel rejected by her StepDad.  Mom, if she doesn't get love from her Dad, she will get it from a boy.    God bless and I'll pray for you, Jess, and your husband!

Jeanne - posted on 03/09/2009

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My name is Jeanne I have 3 children my older son Sylvain is 19 years old with Twins Matthieu (ADHD) & Natalie will turning 17 years old on the 3rd of March. I'm a single mom over 40 will be 45 this coming May. Yes it's tough but I wouldn't change it or change them for the world!





As for me with 3 teenagers............tuff...but I tell them I will not tolerate that kind of behavior or that is not acceptable in this house.........that's the main thing, because with teen years then want to be 20 years old and they know everything. Another trick I did last year I changed all my portable phones and know I 2 desktop phone.....with help I can keep track how long they're on the phone......(shhh I partially listen to there conversation this helps a little) I also have about 4 calendars in my house each with there name on it .........and I keep track of dates such a prepare for test, when project are due. I have a lot of little tricks up my sleeve...ect...lol called



I hope this helps!



Jeanne

Carolyn - posted on 03/08/2009

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WELL, I AM SURELY NOT AN EXPERT BUT DOES YOUR HUSBAND TRY TO DISCIPLINE HER?  IF SO, THAT IS NOT HIS PLACE TO DO THAT.  ONLY YOU CAN DO THE DISCIPLING--AND HE CAN ONLY BACK YOU UP.  MY DAUGHTERS AND I USED TO HAVE WHAT WE CALLED "ROUND TABLE TALKS"  THIS IS WHERE I LET THEM EXPRESS THEIRSELVES AND WAS NON-JUDGEMENTAL (OR I HID IT VERY WELL) BECAUSE ONCE YOU SHOW YOUR DISAPPROVAL THEY SHUT DOWN.  DO YOU THINK ALOT OF THIS MAY BE ATTENTION SEEKING BEHAVIOR?  HOW IS HER SCHOOL WORK GOING?  DOES SHE STILL FOLLOW YOUR RULES?  IF SHE IS TOTALLY REBELLING COUNSELING MAY BE AN OPTION....I WOULD PERSONALLY TRY TO BUILD A RAPPORT WITH HER WHERE SHE FEELS COMFORTABLE AND STILL LOVED...PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW THINGS PROGRESS..  CAROL

Shelly - posted on 03/08/2009

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Kimberly,



  She has no choice she is a minor child in your custody and thats the end of the story...As far as your husband your right he doesn't need to treat her like a daughter but he does need to understand that he is an invader (in her eyes) and trying to get along with her.  It doesn't help if he doesn't try. He know you had a child when he married you and it makes it even harder if it was just you and your daughter for awhile.  Your daughter just needs some time of ajustment but you can not allow her to be disrespectful to him either start taking away things that she charishess like the Ipod, the mp3, the cell phone and if she wants to keep up with the attitude then take her bedroom door off.  If she wants to act two then treat her like shes two she goes no were she does nothing with out you.  You also might try spending a little more time with her right now she might just be feeling like you are replacing her with your husband...jut a couple of suggestions let us know how it's going.   

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