help with my 16 year old girl?

Heather - posted on 05/26/2010 ( 85 moms have responded )

3

30

0

I really need some help here to understand my 16 year old daughter. Are they all screaming, yelling and wanting everything their way or is that just mine? She was a kind caring of others feelings and very helpful young girl. then all of a sudden she turned into someone i don't know anymore. I can't even understand what she wants or what she expects from me except everything her way or no way. Is that the same with all teen girls? Please if anyone out there has some advice I could really use it right now.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Paola - posted on 09/17/2012

1

0

0

hi! im 16, and i'm a pretty good daughter and person. sometimes i have my moments and i get mad easily but on top of it all, i don't smoke, do drugs,drink or hangout with bad people,i'm just good and sometimes reading all the things you mothers go through with your teen daughters, i believe my parents owe to be proud.anyways,i don't do it for them, i'm not a good girl for them,i do it for myself.i don't want a bad reputation, or look back into my teenage years and remember myself as a rebell and a bad influence. anyways i wanna help you with your problem:).well, we are teenagers and as it is very noticeable, our hormones are jumping around for everything we want. we sometimes think that everything we do is right, and it has to be done or way, we think that the choice we pick is the best one, and we don't need advice from anyone.we don't need anybody bossing us around or telling us what we should or shouldnt do. the truth is, sometimes we dont wanna talk about things, and we have rage inside of us but wont say a thing.these rage, we take out on other people (our parents), we never take it out on our friends.many of us have two different personalities, at home we are little bitches, but when we are at our friend's house or at school, we're pumped up with happiness and we're very bubbly people.mom, be indiferent, this is just a phase, when your daughter is rude to you, be rude to her as well. she's obviously not gonna like it, but then shes gonna know that if shes rude to you, shell get the same back and so she wont do it. she might just go to her room and be mad by herself.thats what my mom does, and what i do. in the end, we're gonna try to be good to you, because we need you for so many things.as this goes down, and if you see a change in her personality towards you, then try to talk to her.but dont come to her room saying "tell me everything about you!" or crap like that,start out "disinterested" in her social life, tell her about YOUR social life, tell her about work and how the stupid bitch at work did something bad to you, you know as if you were talking to your girlfriend. gossip with her. shell feel confident about telling you about the bith at HER school and how she hates her.if your daughter uses words like "shit" "bitch" etc, then USE THEM AS WELL!, it'll make her think that youre like a "cool mom" with which she can can say all those things with, and shell feel like she can tell you anything. with time, shell come up to you and say something like" hey remember that girl i told you about?, well..." and shell tell you all about her life, without realizing it. and you will be involved in it. just DONT start telling everyone "im my daughetrs best friend~" or crap like that, at least dont let your daughter know, cuz then shell be like "ammm...", shell think about it, and truste me, you wont be best friend any longer!. hope it helps :).

Maria - posted on 05/27/2010

29

5

0

you're not alone heather. as for her wanting to move out and in with her boyfriend, try this instead: my husband and i were at the end of our rope with our now 17 year old daughter. she knew it all and we were nothing but old people who didn't understand what it was like to be teenagers (whatever!). anyway, she kept telling us she wanted to move out so she wouldn't have to follow our rules anymore. so we did the only thing we could think of, we started charging her to live in our home (no job of course). I made up a statement of how much it would cost for room, board, food, electric, gas, water, "entertainment" and so on. Once she realizes she can't do anything without a job, she'll come around. Also, when she starts giving you attitude, send her to her room and take the bedroom door off. i know it sounds crazy but it certainly took care of my 15 year old slamming the dam thing every time she got mad. keep us posted. btw..it will pass. our know-it-all is graduating high school and has no immediate plans to move out (she has it way too good!)

User - posted on 03/14/2013

1

0

0

Thanks for your post. Been feeling pretty lost this past week, My daughter went from managable to satan in one week. All because I ask her to start chipping for gas, to take her to work. She flipped and is cussing, in my face, screaming at us all. She says we owe her everything . She hates us. and she did get smacked for her mouth, Now all we hear is shes going to call Child Services. I finally have come to the end of my rope and told her that If I didnt get some gas money by this weekend , she would walk to work. Plus, I have handed her the phone the last 2 times shes threatened to call CYS. Im so tired of feeling like crap. Shes been spoiled her whole life. She is tearing this family apart. My 18 yr old is at his breaking point, Ignoring her tantrums isnt working anymore. All or asking for $10 for gas money. screams! Im so glad im not the only one dealing with this. Thanks again

Travie - posted on 03/08/2013

5

0

0

Hi Moms,
I last posted 6 months ago. Reading through what you all are all still struggling with our troubled and manipulative daughters. The past 6 months have not been a cup of tea but they have been a bit better. I agree with so many things that Heather is saying. We don't want to instigate but we can't stay quiet all the time. I know this is a cliché but counseling can be beneficial. I recommend you find someone and start taking your daughter. Of course she may not want to go. I used to pick mine up from school and drive there. She has been admitted twice to in patient psych. I don't think she truly needed it but she did need to realize that I am serious. I care about her and certain things are not acceptable.
I have had the police come to take her to school when she has refused.....we have been through a lot.
Now we have an understanding. We respect each other. We don't need to agree. We love each other. We don't need to agree. .....As a parent we need to set limits and stick to them. The hardest thing I ever did was take her to the hospital and leave her there. During her admissions she saw and learned a lot. She saw terrible family relationships and realized hers is not so bad. She saw kids whose parents didn't care. She realized she didn't want to end up that way.
So I still tread lightly. Our agreement is she goes to counseling every 2 weeks. If I have a problem with a behavior, friend etc. she has to hear me out. She lies and I call her on it. I do it in a respectful way.
I agree with keeping your own sanity. Exercise do your hobby, have a life. For the longest time my daughter knew she could ruin my day, week, month etc. Now she is not allowed to have that control. Once again counseling takes time but it gives them a sane person to talk to who in a subtle way gives direction.
Good luck to all. i am not out of the woods but I can see a light out there.

Deanna - posted on 09/29/2011

0

0

2

Sounds familiar! I find myself asking, what IS NORMAL for teen girls and what should I be more concerned about? Let me know if you figure that out. Until then, It's nice to know we're not alone. I wish you all the best. My daughter is also 16... Keep in touch! :)

85 Comments

View replies by

Travie - posted on 03/14/2013

5

0

0

Each situation is so difficult. When the whole family is suffering it is even more difficult to be objective. On a positive note she has a job. You don't mention how old she is but she should realize that her ranting, screaming and cussing can be considered verbal abuse towards others. My only recommendation is to do every thing in your power to never raise your voice to her or strike her again. Her aggressive nature is made worse by that and it destroys you as well. It is really hard to scream and yell at someone who is not falling for her tactics. Perhaps she can find another way to work if she chooses not to contribute for gas.
It is hard not to be sucked into the yelling game. One of the most important things I have learned is not to instigate a situation.
Good Luck

Travie - posted on 03/09/2013

5

0

0

Your situation sounds stressful and all too familiar. What happened that you ended up calling the police and CC? Is she in school? Does she have transportation and leave when she wants? When you said out the window...do you mean literally out the window?

Before I got my daughter to comply we went through a lot. She was angry, physically aggressive, broke household items, broke walls etc. I called the police several times when she was physically aggressive with me. Once she was handcuffed and given the option to calm down or take a ride to the station. Another time she was escorted to a psychiatric visit and ended up admitted to a psych hospital for a week. It was there she realized I had had enough. When she was discharged she complied for about 6 weeks and ended up readmitted when she refused to even hear me out and would only respond with screaming and hitting etc.
During her admission in family sessions I let her know how much I love her and that I would no longer allow her to destroy me and the rest of our family. I think that was the most important message I could give her. I let her know if she continued with the destructive behavior we did not want her at home. The situation was so out of control that everyone was tip toeing around her. At one point I took all electronic communication away for a short period of time. That got her attention as after 3 days of not talking, to anyone she did talk to me. I gave everything back at once with the understanding I provide everything you have and I need respect or I will not provide it.

It was not easy. The cell phone was blocked on line for quite a while with me only unblocking family members and approved friends. Now it is not perfect. I insist that chores and responsibilities be addressed. Two days ago I let her know she was beginning to have an attitude and a tone that disturbed me. She had a small reaction but worked her way through the moment.
I overheard her telling a friend that they should go to counseling like she does because it helps her deal with all of the demands she has.
I know you are frustrated but you can't give up. It sounds like you have her attention and you just need to find a way to keep her aware that you care about her, but that you care about yourself and that she is being destructive.
Continue with the counseling and consider a "day hospital" program for intensive therapy if you have to.
Good Luck!

Frances - posted on 03/08/2013

22

0

4

Thanks for taking the time out to update us on your situation. I am also glad to know that it has gotten somewhat better too for you and your daughter. At least she is complying to the counselling session. How did you get her to agree? I had to call the police and crisis center on my daughter this month. It didn't see to make a difference in the least. CC has opened a case on her and recommended a home therapist. She came over once this week and my daughter was very unresponsive. I didn't tell me daughter that she was coming because I knew how she was going to react. The therapist is going to keep coming, but will my daughter speak with her? How could I convince her. I've tried what you suggested with her, but she complies for a few day and as soon as she gets angry, its out the window. It happened just today again, now we are back to zero. I'm so frustrated that she cant realize that she has to do her part to make the situation better for everyone.

Frances - posted on 03/08/2013

22

0

4

Hi Heather,
I don't think that it is just your daughter. Mine is going on 16 an does the same thing to me and her sister. Just like you, I don't know who she is and the only reason when she interacts with me in a "nice" way is when she needs something. She is always in a bad mood too and angry. Calls me a "bad" mother and a liar when I "promise" to give her something and she doesn't get it. Even if I don't have the money she says "well that's not my problem." I need to get it somehow. Even threatened me once to steal if she didnt get something. I told her go ahead steal it and I myself will call the police on you.
My advice, a simple one, keep your calm and don't engage her during her tantrum. Walk away, leave the house, but don;t engage her. It just gives her more fuel to keep on with the ranting. Know what your limit and boundaries are. If you have a good friend that you trust in and your daughter will listen, (my won't) have her talk to your friend. Also, keep a tape recorder of what she says to you when she is mad (i haven't tried this one but a good friend suggested it to me). Once she calms down, let her know how you feel. These are just a few things to keep your sanity. Also you try to have somewhat of a life away from her where you dont have to deal with her so frequently. Is she this way with the rest of the family or just with you?

Cheryl - posted on 03/08/2013

78

82

3

Hi, No, she's pushing you as far as she can, and you can't allow it or this will really get the better of you. Put your foot down now, and make her behave. Punish her, if she hasnt paid for her own cell.... take it away. If she a tv or anything else in her room, take it away. All those are the fringe benefits of good behaviour. Her friends cant come to visit and neither can she visit her friends. Countless ways of getting them back into shape. Just take all priveleges away from her and no going out at night or during the weekends. My children knew that they couldn't even try to push me that far, or I would not speak to them for ages apart from the punishment. Just hang in there, and get her to help you around the house to earn any kind of reward if she wants to behave like a child and not that of a maturing young lady. I do wish you luck :) xx

Jacqueline - posted on 03/08/2013

1

0

0

I'm pretty much in the same situation, my daughter has somewhat bullying issues or should I say mean girl issue and I try to keep her happy as I can but some times it feels like she takes me for granted and very unappreciative. It also feels like she is manipulating me. It's always about her.

Denise - posted on 09/08/2012

16

0

1

They are trying there best to be understood, however at this age they feel the world around them is out to get them. Deep inside they want something but aren't going to say it. The youth today are so much in control than they were before due to the laws that the government set in. Now they believe that if you reprimand them they can call the police and scream abuse. My teenager trust this craps with me and I give a fair warning. I'm not sit here and put up with the nonsense when I'm the parent. I pay the bills, I'm taking care if you. Please try me. Moms know that if you slap the shit out of your daughter or smack her wise behind with a belt you will not be arrested. You can hit her and put her in her place as long as you don't beat to bleed. My child was punished and banned from any activities for a whole month, I took the cell phone away and never gave it back. Now I say jump and my kid jumps, its a matter of being firm and trusting in yourself.

Amy - posted on 09/07/2012

6

0

1

Well in in your boat. Mine is fifteen and I'm playing hardball. She had us smoked. Just until recently we thought we were on the right track. Last week we grounded her and striped all privileges, cell phone, computer, and going anywhere. Well she ran away that friday night. Saturday I spent the day hunting her down, knowing she was at the fifteen year old juvenile delinquent boyfriends house. He is on house arrest. Finally his parents called me to tell me she was there. I went to get her and bring her home. Well when I got there she had given them some shit story about being miss treated and abused. UNTIL I got there and she was caught in her lie. Not only when I got there did those parent allow her to hang out in the boys room the door was closed. These parents are doing a bang up job too. They have another teenager living at home who has a child. Its great. I informed my daughter if she ever left my house again, to plan on not coming back. Well the genius mom decides to speak up and declare that if my fifteen year old has no where to go that Kala may live there. WHAT??? I took her home after carefully and calmly telling these people that are not to have any contact with my minor or I will call the police.



Back to hardball. That morning when she was missing I registered her as a run away. I have since informed every parent I know that unless you have spoken with me, she is not to sleep over your house, because she probably has run away-since she is grounded for the next month of her life.



Also, I have just finished writing a formal request to the boyfriends parents that they are to no longer have any contact with Kala. I have informed them that she is not permitted on or in their property. This letter is waiting to be notarized first thing tomorrow and then sent by registered mail. A copy will also be delivered-by hand-to each of our police departments. So it is on record. ( A police officer gave me this advice today. ) Now if the wonder parents decide to have her over in PA it is a criminal offense. They are harboring a run away and interfering with a parent.



That is where I am. The kids will suck you into their game. Don't get caught up in a power struggle. Dont give them your total hand in the game. If your freaking out then know they are winning.



Kala has no idea these parents are getting served these papers yet. I don't care. I've also been in contact with my sister in California. Her husband is in the service. I've threatened to send Kala if this crap continues. For a year. Luckily for us we have this option. But I'm willing to take her out of her happy environment if that is what it takes.



Also, don't make any threats that you aren't willing to keep. EVER. It's like training a toddler, or a dog. Consistency. A toddler will try you, this is a whole new level. All of us are making the same mistake. I guarantee it. We are not consistent. We are giving too much, and not following through on punishments,because you don't want them to miss out, and it's easier then listening to the nagging.



Good luck moms and dads.

Travie - posted on 09/03/2012

5

0

0

Searching the internet for information and found this site as well. Interesting and sad to see so many parents so worried, confused exhausted and abused by our children. I don't think they are bad kids, but a product of modern day pressures and society.

I have a very soon to be 16 yr old daughter and I worry daily about her future. When do I stop trying to steer her in the right direction?

Regardless, we all need to hang in there. I have been feeling sick to my stomach with nausea, sleeplessness and just a lack of will power. I have missed work days and effectiveness!

I hope knowing about all of you will give me the power to carry on!

Carol - posted on 08/30/2012

1

0

0

Having reached the end of my rope with the terrible attitude, self-centeredness, rudeness, disrespect and abuse from my sixteen year old daughter, I googled for help and found this site after also spending a lot of time in prayer! Thankfully, I no longer feel alone after reading all of your posts, and your comments have encouraged me. And reminded me I am not alone, and nor is my daughter. Sometimes it's hard to step back and remember that need to be independent and look at things through their eyes. Especially when they are at their worst and you just want to either strangle them or show them the door. My daughter is sixteen and while responsible in most ways, has completely thrown off all guidance and mothering from me like a switch once she turned sixteen. And the situation is exacerbated by her father, my ex, who would is his own nightmare and whose traits I see manifesting themselves in her lately. But these posts have given me hope and encouragement. Whew, it is pretty wild and tough when you are in the thick of it with these kids, isn't it? We survived it with my stepson a few years ago, and will survive it one way or the other with my daughter. God help us all! And these kids, too, as they navigate through these years. I am learning to let go more each and every day and give her the space and freedom to make more decisions for herself and to generally back off a little. It's difficult, but will see if this works better!

Kelly Te - posted on 08/29/2012

2

0

0

Your not alone... I have been going thru the same heartache with my 16yr old. Im cursed at, hung up on, been embarrassed in front of friends its just crazy. I try but nothing i do is appreciated. I hope she grows up and out of this crap very soon.

Kelly Te - posted on 08/29/2012

2

0

0

Your not alone... I have been going thru the same heartache with my 16yr old. Im cursed at, hung up on, been embarrassed in front of friends its just crazy. I try but nothing i do is appreciated. I hope she grows up and out of this crap very soon.

Chaya - posted on 07/06/2012

737

0

229

I think it's genetic, all teenagers go through it, I have a 33 y/o and a 17 y/o. I get the same stuff. My daughter gets mad at me because the internet is down, she swears I forgot to pay the bill, even if she was with me the day before when I paid the bill. It's my fault when she's expecting something in the mail and it doesn't come, or if her dad's getting on her case about stuff that's none of her business.
It's not you, it's the nature of being a teenager. She'll outgrow it when she has a teenager of her own. Teenagers are Gods punishment for us having been teenagers

Analiza Perez - posted on 07/06/2012

1

0

0

hi hearther we same setuation my daugther is 15 she also kind and helpful like ur daugther. we give everything we can to be her happy,but i think thats enough for her,and i dont know either what she want for us....im very sad and crying everyday and i pray to god ,she going to realize that she mistake,,,,we just waiting until now for her...and we love her so much...we just pray that they going to a wake ther mistake...

Deanna - posted on 06/27/2010

0

0

2

It sounds like you just described my 15 yr. old daughter! She wont give up when she wants something, or wants to go somewhere....which is everyday since school got out! I have her 3 friends here all the time, feeding them, picking up after them, taxi-ing them places and just let her have a pool party with 25+ kids! She wants to go, go, go....But it's never enough!! If I say "NO", it's usually a tantrum like a 2 yr. old, and Im the "meanest mom in the world! Between the texting and the facebooking....Im going to go crazy, if Im not on my way allready! It's her world...I just live in it! hahaha. Sorry I dont have much advice, but I do feel your pain and empathize! Hang in there, and stay in touch! Dee

Victoria - posted on 06/26/2010

47

16

1

The only way is my way not my 17 yr old child. Let me say that again Child. My child knows if she act that way with me it will be her last to act any kind of way. Sit down and explain to this child whos the parent and who's the child. Dont give in. Because I be Damn if I take care of a child and they have an attitude or want they way all the time or just want her way period. One day with me and she will appreciate you. Respect is everything and I will get and demand respect in my house.

Marcy - posted on 06/24/2010

17

60

2

No it is my daughter too. My daughter is 15 and thinks that she can have what ever she wants and do what she wants. She used to live in a city and now she lives in the country and she is finding out that she hates living in the country, but it is good for her because she isn't getting in that much trouble. I also think that I am too easy on her and have to give her some more tough loving. My fience and I are teaching her the meaning of being an adult. My daughter gets $25 for doing her chores and if she doesn't do her chores she has now money to go and do things with friends or buy her makeup. She doesn't get rides from us unless we are going through town before or after work. My fience says that my daughter is manipulating me to get what she wants and I do see it now. She trys running me. and gets me to buy her things that she should be buying with chore money. So I hope this helps you. I know that it is helping me.

Tracy - posted on 06/24/2010

19

21

1

It is not just the girls, my son is the same way. And, from what I am seeing none of us are alone. I too think that REALITY is a great teacher, and my hat is off to the parents that "billed" their daughter. I am starting that process with my son and I am hoping for success.

My girlfriend went through a similar situation with her youngest: stand firm and when the daughter is mature enough she will express her love. But not until then! She says it happens at about 20-22 for girls, and 22-25 for boys. I am counting the years!

Lisa - posted on 06/24/2010

1

9

0

I have two teenage girls, and no you are not alone. One girl was corrupted by her former surroundings in a different household (other mom), and the other one is bipolar. If you think your girl has mood swing, she is not the only one.

I think something happens once they get to the highschool level and want their own independence and are trying to test the waters to see how to mold their own future,that they want to be more self centered and less like the little girls and young ladies that we raised.

My hope is that they (and we) will some how survive their teenage years and look back, as they are parents of teens and get all the grief and drama that they caused.

Natasha - posted on 06/24/2010

1

20

0

First of all you are going about this the wrong way! The rule is it is your way or no way, 16 year old girl think that the world turn around them, but that's not true by far you you to take control back because at some point she thinks she became boss. And after you get control back and she still thinks that it is her way give her the bills for the month and see how fast she turns back to being a child, and not wanting it her way any more.

Lisa - posted on 06/11/2010

17

1

0

It's always a good thing to teach boundaries and good communication skills when they are little. I have always taught and modelled apologising and asking for forgiveness & my 16yo girl always comes and tells me she's sorry (eventually) when we fight. I heard it said that when they become teenagers they turn from puppy dogs into pussy cats. That so makes it all easier to understand. They are finding their own way, and full of hormones and emtions and insecurity, so they often act out. Kepp on loving her, and stick to your rules for respect of others. Even the best kids can get the teenage attitude, and come out the other side mature and lovely young people. Allt he best.

Cara - posted on 06/10/2010

95

16

11

Ahh, hormones, join the club. Mine is almost 14, and went from being the perfect daughter, always helpful and polite, to uggghhh!
We are fortunate that we homeschool, so we don't have as much peer pressure to deal with.
We do have moments, but not quite as bad as it could be from the other stories I read.
I remind her that, while I am not a teen, I really was one once. And in a rare moment where logic worked, asked if she really thought I made it through life without ever going through anything she faced. Somehow she does realize that adults are not all stupid, and even pointed out that she doesn't know everything.
I think we had a bit of an attitude breakthrough in the last month,
What I do try to do is, 1) shut up long before a fight starts, 2) try to pay attention to where she is in her cycle, and how much sleep she has had and 3) not try to fix it all at once.
Then, I pick a time when she is in a better mood if we need to talk. I try to remember that although she is young, her feelings are very real, and just as valid. However, she doesn't have the right to inflict her attitude on everyone else, so, if she is being rude and inconsiderate, I nicely tell her so.
Beyond that, I make sure she realizes that the whole family must work together, and contribute, so she must are about everyone else's feelings too.

Deanna - posted on 06/10/2010

0

0

2

Sounds like you just described my 15 yr old daughter....she'll stop at almost nothing to get her way! Mouthy, moody and driving the whole house crazy. She has lots of friends, but couldnt care less about her family. We went from "like" close friends...to "like" bitter enemies this past year. I have been given alot of advice, but the only thing I have to suggest is...Dont let her get the best of you. Stick to your word, and try not to indulge in arguemnets with her! Be there to listen...(if she ever wants to talk to you), but Walk Away...when it heats up! WE ARE THE PARENTS!!! Right!? But, there is only so much we can do to make them happy at this age! And I dont think anything will make her content right now! Its going to come from their friends first! Im at my witts end...but I refuse to let her run this house, and create friction everyday for the rest of us, including her 9 yr. old little brother! I would like to start up a support group, and meet with other parents of teens. We need to be reminded that were not alone, and we are not our teen's door-mat! Good luck Heather....hopfully we make it thru these next cpl yrs with most of our marbles left! DEE

Anna - posted on 06/09/2010

10

8

0

By the time they are 15 or more there are many set patterns of action and reaction in a teenager mind. My kids started showing bad behavier between 11-13. It was here where we started to put a stop immediatly to their answering back, loud mouths and unrealistic expectations and disrespect to us. What kids want and need is to feel love and respected. They need to feel they are the most important person in our lives no matter how old they are. One event was when my son called me the B word he was 13, I simply turned my back to him closed my mouth and walked away and locked my self in my bedroom. (a place he could not reach me) for 15 min or so. When I walked out, I, very calmly and softly asked him if we could talked. With his loud words he just wanted to continue and I simply said softly " I see you are not ready." gave him some more time and went back a few hours later and explained to him I wanted to talk to him like an adult, that ment no shouting. He agree and I explained to him I wanted him to be open with his feelings I was interested in hearing him because I love him and care about him and how he felt, that I need to understand his expectations and the reason for his emotions and the only way for me to know was for him to tell me. I also told him I would not punish or judge his ideas, thoughts or words.(VERY difficult to do, just had to bite my toung and kept reminding my self it was his turn to speak) I asked questions and repeted his answers back to him so he would be certain I was listening.I reenforced him that he ment a lot to me and that I really cared about him and I wanted the best for him always. I then asked him how he thought I feel when he disrespects me. At this time he was ready to see that what he had done was wrong and disrespectful. By asking them question they are telling themselves what they are used to hearing from us. He did all the talking I just asked the questions and listen. This has worked very well with all of my teenage kids so far. My first step with all my 3 children when they start to raise their voice I stop them imediatly with a loud HEY! followed by a soft voice reminding them we can all express our feelings to each other in a respectful way and a normal voice, and I continuoesly let them know how much I love them and what makes them special to me (each individualy). I think by 14-15 they are trying very hard to be adults and we treating them like little kids by always telling them what to do. how to do it, when and where and to whom to do it. Just like we don't like to be told what to do all the time they don't either, but they are not ready for the same freedom, so talking and asking questions and having them come up with the answers will many time make them see things our adult way,
Truth is they are neither kids nor adults, But we must start making the transition in our minds that our kids are growing up and they want to be heard and treated in the same way we adults want to be treated by other- with respect- Lets treat them with respect and tell them why we must still have boundries for them when they are not ready to understand a certain cituation in life. Always reenforcing that we love them and is for their own best interest and allowing them to hurt themselves hurts us too. Good luck!

Maria - posted on 06/09/2010

29

5

0

Heather, I noticed you didn't mention a boy in your original post. if your daughter just started behaving this way when she started dating this boy, he could be pressuring her to do something she isn't comfortable with. I would definitely get some alone time with her and try to get to the bottom of it.

Take her somewhere away from the house so she won't feel like other people might be listening to your conversation. I would start the conversation with something neutral so she doesn't think your blindsiding her.

Just like with Jill, my 17 year old has put my husband and me through hell more than once but we manage to help her get back on track. All the stuff she's putting you through is normal, but I would still keep an eye on the boy situation, don't let them see each other everyday because that isn't healthy either. Does your daughter have a part time job after school? You may want to advise her to get one, that will keep her busy and it will teach her responsibility. keep us posted and hang in there.

Jill - posted on 06/09/2010

2

17

0

I too have a 16 year old girl who is turning what she thinks 21 in August. We have been through hell and back with her. We give her space and allow her to make her own choices (as long as they aren't too serious) She has made some really bad choices and some really good choices.
We too have the screaming fits (especially if the answer is not what she wants to hear), the slamming of doors. She has run out of the house at night, bear foot in the street and just started running for about a mile or so. We have had to pick her up on the side of the road because she gets herself so worked up. She often tries to tell us what she is doing instead of asking if she can do it.
We finally went for some counseling after her last doctor visit. The doctor thought she may be depressed. He also thought she has ADHD. Which it turns out she does have both. The ADHD causes her to do things without giving much thought to doing them. She is very impulsive and will do things that could get her in trouble. So after talking with a counselor, the doctors and the school, we decided to put her on an ADHD medication, as well as a depression medication.
OMG! What a difference they have made in her overall. She not only is pleasent to be around, but she is doing better in school too. Her friends have noticed a difference, as well.
Now I was never an advocate for medication. In fact I was dead set against it. But after talking with the doctors and seeing first hand what it can do for someone. I am a believer. My daughter and I still talk about everything and I can breath a little easier knowing that she is going to make the right decisions.
Now I'm not saying that the meds have made her not disobey or try to get away with things, but that is where parenting comes in. If we give her a curfew of 10pm and she comes home at 10:15pm without calling us to let us know why, then she doesn't go out the next night.
Each stage of life readies us for the next! So just think after all you have gone through, you will be really ready for what life brings next.
Just love her and do not take all the screaming personally.
Good Luck!

Becky - posted on 06/08/2010

2

16

0

I cant offer any advice but I can most definitely empathize my daughter is also 16 and sounds a lot like yours. I think its just another phase.

My ex husband once told me when I was pulling my hair out that I should look at the baby pics.

Julie - posted on 06/08/2010

2

30

0

I have two daughters that are now both past that age but the most difficult part of their teenage years was 15 to 17. They were very egotistical, moody and disrespectful. I concluded by the second one that if we could just get through that time everybody would be okay and even more enlightening to me was realizing that I was the same way to my mother at that age. It wasn't something I enjoyed doing but when you're that age, you feel too old to be a kid and too young to be a grown up and youre not sure what you want and peer pressure is everywhere so I had to remember that it's not easy for kids these days especially teenage girls. It's not just the worst age to be parenting but the worst age to be living. Just keep showing her you love her and are there for her and it will get easier and then one day you will be like best friends.

Donna - posted on 06/08/2010

2

13

1

My youngest daughter just turned 16 in January and it's always, Mom come here now!

Evon - posted on 06/06/2010

4

7

0

you have to be very firm with her and don't give in. She uses the mom card as weapon to try to get her way and to make you feel bad. You and your husband have to be UNITED with this situation. Because being a step parent myself and my husband being a step parent to oldest child. I had to support him and he as well with me. Maybe she thinks she can get her way with mom. Talk to your husband and see what he thinks about letting her stay with her mom and when she sees life is not perfect HER WAY.She will appreciate life with you all she is back at home.

Tina - posted on 06/06/2010

10

10

1

Teenagers think they know everything, remember when we were that age?? We thought we knew it all and that our parents were clueless. My daughters doctor keep telling me its a phase and harmones, puberty, yada yada, and all we want is a super drug to help us out :) Just stick to your decisions dont let her change your mind and be firm. I'm in the same boat and I know it isn't easy.

Georgette - posted on 06/06/2010

10

20

0

I could only suggest to be there with open arms when she falls and have the kleenex ready ^_^ MOM is uncondtional love EVEN with the flaws. I will pray for you. Another thing that seems to help is when things heat up between you two #1 Seperate #2 BREATHE #3 Serenity Prayer #4 Write the pros,cons,feelings good AND bad #5 be open minded and remember when you were that age #6 Calmly SCHEDULE ^_^ a sit down time with her #7 TALK

[deleted account]

No its not just yours I have one too. Mine came home with her eyebrow pierced and im freaking out.. I have let her hang out with her friends and everything and she know how I felt about it and did it anyway.. Its like as long as you take them shopping, give them money and leave them alone there happy, but as soon as you need help around the house or you don't have the money because you had to pay your bills they treat you like crap.. its sad and don't know if there is anything we can do.

Kerri - posted on 06/06/2010

1

2

0

Teenagers often alternate between thinking they are the centre of the universe, to feeling like no-one will ever like them or they will never have someone who loves them. Continue with expecting her to pull her weight around the house, have values/morals that are your expectations, don't give in to less than you are comfortable with, and one day, she will return to you as the young woman you hoped she'd become. Don't accept that she can speak to you badly, make her aware that this is not acceptable. Make sure that she knows that even if she behaves badly, you will always love her. She may say that she doesn't care or worse, but don't take it to heart, she needs to know she doesn't risk your love if she's not behaving. If you set rules, and stick to them, and let her know that you're always there for her, she will come back to you one day. I've been there and it is hard, but hold your ground!

Belinda - posted on 06/05/2010

6

5

0

my girl's the same, she's changed so much in the last six months, she is also 16 and has been such a fantastic kid, but now as soon as i say no it's world war 3, she also has a boyfriend who lives on his own and every time we fight she threatens to move in with him and she is always saying how she can't wait to get out of our house.

Lourdes - posted on 06/05/2010

2

8

0

My best advise is hhaving a conversation with your daughter and after listening to her thoughts you need to make her clear that you will understand her neeeds but the game has to be played by your rules. I have two teens and I have experimented difficult times but overall, they are good kids and really respectfull. There is no way I would tolerate that my kids yell to me or demand things on their own terms they live in my house as as long I support them they need to follow my terms. We can be friends of our kids but our main role is being parents. Be an open minded mom, but teach your daughter to respect you as her mom and to understand that your rules are not "ruining her life" but make it better.

Cheryl - posted on 06/05/2010

78

82

3

Hi there,
16 is an awful age. The world owes them..... I don't know what but they expect it. Put your foot down, stop any disrespect consistently, ground her for any outragious behaviour until she sees fit to treat you like a human being. I'm afraid these teens just copy their friends and think its funny. They have no discipline at school, so behave the same way at home (IF YOU ALLOW IT!!!!) First of all, you cannot allow it. You are not her pal, you're her mother and she will have to come to terms with that and tell her that she is behaving like a 2 yr old with tantrums, and we all know how to deal with those. My youngest of 4 children is now 17, and I've had to be really tough on her this past year. A cell phone is their life line - if she can't treat you with respect - take that away, until she EARNS it back! the same with a tv that might be in her room and any other luxury item.
Good Luck : ) xx

Jacqui - posted on 06/05/2010

3

27

0

hi heather,



I only have son but my neice who is 16 / 17 next week has lived with me since she was 13 i find that girl have many more emotion needs then boys but at 16 all she seem to want to do is grow up to quick go out on the town drinking which was quickly put a stop too in my way of thing the world a changing place and not enough rules in the outside world but stick to your guns in the house your the boss. she will expected the world tell her if she want it earn it hope that help.

Nancy - posted on 06/05/2010

12

2

1

Let me tell you first your not going nuts. o.k. I also have a 16 year old andis the same tpye of girl as you describe your daughter. My husband and I are trying our best to understand what she's going through remenbering how our life was at that age as well as instilling what society is throwing at her.We try to eat at least four meals together during the week,doesn't matter what it is, we have a busy schedule, but we get together and talk about school, activities coming up during the week, and we as parents talk alittle about work so that they understand someof the things we're going though. We remnid her that we're there for them no matter what, not to tells us last mintue about things that we have to dicusse and think about befroe getting a responds back. and behavor and respect is a must on matter where or who she's with or consequence will happen. Stick to your guns but always remind her no matter what that you love her and that yoour always there for her.

[deleted account]

Some of this is normal. You need to find some way to keep talking to each other. If she won't calmly talk to you at home, perhaps seeing a counselor together would help. It's scary when you don't even recognize your child anymore. I have 2 daughters, 16 and 21, and in my case, it is my oldest who has changed dramatically. Were there any big changes in your daughter's life that may have triggered the change? It's always a worry that a big personality shift is due to drugs, so rule that out if you can. Good luck!

Lori - posted on 06/05/2010

51

3

3

"If you recognize your roots, you recognize your shoots." HAHAHA - I LOVE THAT!!! That sums up my current relationship 'issues' with my 16 year old daughter. She is the love of my life - beautiful inside and out (though I sometimes wish I could beat her with an ugly stick to keep the boys away!), a kind and gentle soul at heart, empathetic and understanding, and a loyal, caring friend. She is not a screamer, thank God - but neither was I. Instead, she is just very mad or very sad - and very quiet, internalizes everything, very withdrawn from everyone and everything, like the world is just too much. I think this is worse, because all her feelings get bottled up and eat away at her, physically and emotionally, and make her feel like 'an emotional basketcase'. It's hard - no doubt about it. I have to keep reminding myself not to take it personally, and that it is not as hard for me to witness as it is for her to suffer. All I can do is provide a comfortable, caring environment, and not put too much extra 'stress' on her. She is better the more I stay out of her business and let her figure things out and work things out for herself. It's TERRIFYING to me, because I fear the repercussions of bad decisions for her future. But at the end of the day, I have to recognize that it is her life - and that she will develop strength of conviction and adherence to good values based on what she feels is right for her life. I wish I could hold her and tell her that everything will be all right - but she wants nothing to do with me, so all I can do is say 'I love you' from a distance. She has a boyfriend and is figuring out the ins and outs of THAT relationship, and what she likes and doesn't like, etc. - and he seems to handle her emotional outbursts fairly well (kudos to him!) and makes her 'feel better'. I keep reminding myself that I could have problems that I don't have, and that somewhere in there is the same heart, beating in time with mine. Just have to hold on..............

Diane - posted on 06/04/2010

3

5

0

I have a 14 year old boy with a bad temper. I tell him when he screams and throws a fit about stuff I tell him I am not listening until he stops acting like a child. If he objects to something I will listen but he has to negotiate like an adult. Like if I say he can't go to a certain place he has to come back with reasons why I should let him go. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't I use my judgment but don't reinforce the bad behavior. Just ignore her if she screams and when she wants to talk like an adult you will treat her as such. It won't happen the first time - sometimes when you implement a new thing they will act worse before they get better. I tell my son being a teenager is practice for being an adult and you can't go to work and yell at your boss so there's no way you are yelling at me. I hope it helps but you aren't the only Mom who has a screaming teenager. That's why they invented haircolor! :)

Jacobine - posted on 06/04/2010

2

66

0

Hi, being a teenager it not easy, neither is it to be a mum of a teenager. Growing up in to an adult when you are a teenager means that you need to find out who you are, without the bagage of information that your parents have taught you about morality, wrong and right. It means that you are very busy with yourself and your inner self and have no time for what others think or say. It internal remoil! This is called the separation process; very painful for both teenagers and adults; coming away from your parents, growing up into an adult. The recipe is patience and do not take it personaly as a parent, but make clear that as long as your daughter lives in your house that there are houserules and tasks, teenager or no teenager. Do not inquer rebellion, tell your daughter that you love her (even when she is horrible), give her a hug, do not shout (very difficult but it works if you say that there is no shouting), and remember hormones (monthly!!) are monsters!!, be positive and supportive and show respect. When your daughter is in a good mood take her out for lunch or have a spa day, that's what I do, and you will find that you talk and have a lovely time together.Once a child has come through the separation process, the things she has been taught by the parents and her own ideas on life will come together and you will have your new adult. and also, we have been teenagers ourselves, so I would say: if you recognize your roots your recognize your shoots! Good luck.

Natalie - posted on 06/04/2010

17

5

4

Sometimes YES! Teenagers are hard cause they truley think they are grown up and know everything. I notice my girls raise there voices and act out when they feel like they are not being heard. Next time there is a disagreement I would try to sit at the table and JUST LISTEN! That's the hard part. Then try to explain the reasons you don't agree but only after you have listened to everything they have to say about the topic. Agree to disagree but you are the adult and what you say goes. I tell my kids, you don't have to like all of my decisions but you must respect them. Sometimes explaining that you understand why they feel angry but you have to do what you feel is right as the parent helps. I also sometimes ask them what they would do if their daughter was asking that question. Then I make them explain the reasons why....

Good luck!

Tina - posted on 06/03/2010

28

21

1

I will tell you that it does get better! I didn't think that my oldest daughter was going to make it through her teen years bc we fought so bad. Now (she is almost 21) I can honestly say she is like my best friend!! Hormones and trying to grow-up and find herself doesn't mix! Good luck!

Angela - posted on 06/03/2010

6

13

0

I have 3 girls . . . 18, 15, and 13. The 13 yr old is the worst when it comes to mood swings and tantrums. I try not to threaten or promise anything I cannot follow thru with. I set basic rules like when u can wear make-up, date boys, get a cell phone, etc. and I stuck to them (for the most-part). I deal with a lot of yelling and slamming of doors. They also fight with eachother.
I am going to see if I can find the book someone was talking about " The Princess Bitchface Syndrome" as I could use some help also. I also liked the idea of explaining what it would cost for your daughter to move out of your home. I tell my girls I love them everyday. I also tell them they will not treat me with disrespect. I have even used Bill Cosby's line "I brought you into this world . . . and I'll take you out."
It helps when my husband and I agree on the issues and/or punishment, although that isn't always the case. I was once a teenage girl, he was not. Like you, I am sometimes at a loss and am hoping This Two Will Pass.
Good luck to us all

Helen - posted on 06/03/2010

1

11

0

You are not alone. When my daughter was about 15 1/2 she turned into someone I didn't know. It's scary. She's 17 now and her behavior is even more disturbing. Everything is drama and "I hate you" and on and on....But I stand my ground with her and let her know that she is not in charge no matter how "grown" she thinks she is. I also have a 15 year old daughter and she's starting to put me through it too. I know this will pass-I'm just trying to hang on to my sanity. I also let them both know that I love them and their crazy behavior will not change that.

Atiya - posted on 06/03/2010

4

16

0

Hi there ,don't worry about yelling and other stuff ,though this phase is not short but eventually it will end .My daughter is 16+and she gives me a real tough time.I am also counting the days when she will change into the same obedient and jolly one .

Donna - posted on 06/03/2010

18

3

0

I think a lot of teen girls are like this, at least mine is andbecame that way around age 14.She can be happy and fun to be around if she is getting her way and the answer to her requests are yes but if I tell her she can't go somewhere or do something she wants to she becomes very angry or if I am taking a priviledge away from her. I think most teens are looking for independence and can't handle when you are trying to "control" them. I think it is a phase that will eventually pass as they mature - hopefully. right now I try to make decisions by what I believe is right and do not give in to her ranting and raving or that she tells me "everyone else can". I also tell her that if she wants priviledges and favors she needs to act like she deserves them.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms