Hi I have a 17 year old daughter can some tell me what to do?

Claudia P - posted on 08/12/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )

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We adopted my daughter when she was 7 now she is out of control .she comes home when she wants to .she called Dhs on us and told lyes about me and mt husband .she has a 10 year old brother and a 15 year old sister.she keeps telling the 10 year old boy she will beat him up .she calls me any names she wants .when I tell my husband she lyes.one way I care the other I don't know if I should care .she hat sex with a 28 year old gye because he got her beer.the thing is he is married and has 2. Kids .i need help I dont know what to do someone please help me

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Angie - posted on 08/12/2012

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Great advice Kathy....

Claudia...Even if you've tried so much, you have to keep trying because even when she leaves, our responsibility as a parent may stop, but it's still important to have a good relationship with our kids when they become adults....I've heard grandkids are waaaaay better than kids..lol

Stay consistent, stay calm and don't feed into her behavior. Love and Logic has some great CD's that help keep our sanity while still giving them empathy, for example saying...oh what a bummer you didn't get anything from the store, maybe next time I can get you something if I haven't been called any names.

It's so easy sometimes to just get fed up with the ongoing frustrations and daily battles that it becomes "normal"...have you got a chance to talk one-on-one with her, not in anger, but calmly...asking her what her plans are, asking where she wants your relationship to be with each other....hang in there :)

Claudia P - posted on 08/12/2012

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I tryed so much .she keeps calling names I told her I don't want her friends in my house as long she does what she does .she told me to shut up and go to hell .so I'm tyed dealing with it .when I go shopping I dont get her anything .she did not like it at all she told me that is what a mother has to do to get her things .i told her not as long she does what she does .

Kathy - posted on 08/12/2012

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Well, there is still stuff you can do if DH wants to hang in there till she is 18.

I would start with boundaries.

If she calls you a name say firmly:
"It is unacceptable to call names. We can talk again when you can do so respectfully."

Practice this line or another until you have it down.

Take deep breathes if she calls you a name, so you do not retaliate in kind, and then firmly and politely state your boundary. Walk away after stating your boundary. Do not engage with her until she is calm. Period. Re-address whatever issue is causing her to flare up when she is calmer.

Here is an article on how to fight fair with/as a teen. She may not abide by it, but you can, and that will help:
http://voices.yahoo.com/communication-ti...

Even if she has a job and pays her own cel phone bill, there must be some stuff you do for her. Prepare food, laundry, drive her places, host her friends. You can cut this out if she does not behave better. I don't do favours for people who treat me like crap, and neither should you. She needs to learn that in order to be treated nicely, we need to treat others nicely.

Claudia P - posted on 08/12/2012

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Yes she works .counsling she said she does not do it .with the phone she paying the bill .but she talks to me like I'm nobody she is 17 so Dhs said we have to hang in there till she is 18

Kathy - posted on 08/12/2012

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I would go one of two routes:



I. Very tough love. She gets no privileges and few extras (movies, cel phone, etc) until her behaviour improves. Cross your fingers it works.



2. Tell her she needs to behave or move out. Calling DHS on people, threatening, name calling etc is unacceptable. Give her a time line to behave and help her transition to living independently if that is the route she chooses (Does she work? Can she support herself?).



Are there any support groups in your area for parents with difficult teens?



Is she agreeable to counselling?



Do not leave your 10 year old alone with her. He should not have to deal with her threats.



Hugs to you, mama.

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