how can i stop my 13yr old self harming

Wendy - posted on 02/13/2009 ( 22 moms have responded )

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can i have some advice on helping my 13yr stop selfharming as she wont talk 2 no 1

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BettyAnn - posted on 02/17/2009

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hey there!   I  have a daughter that is almost 18 and hasn't self-harm in a year.   The only thing that stopped her since the last time was she ended up getting 4 staples on one of her wounds.  I just kept telling my daughter I love her, nothing you can do to yourself or anyone else that would stop my loving you.     WE will get through this



Betty Ann



Ontario, Canada

Anjila - posted on 02/14/2009

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It kind of depends on what you mean by self-harming. Cutting is usually an indication that some type of abuse may have occurred in her life, therefore therapy seems like the best choice. It seems like most people cut or hurt themselves because they have developed an ability to dissociate (to remove their conscious awareness from a sitiuation that it too traumatice to deal with). This dissociation also causes them to be unable to feel alot of other emotions, so that, self-harm is generally use to help the person to be able to feel emotion again. Basically, therapy.

Sharon - posted on 02/13/2009

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hi huni



god bless you i have not thank fully come across this with my own children so i do not feel i can give u advise only support where are you from ? i will give u my phone number and we can have a chat i can help your daughter but i can not write on here how i need to meet her with you present. praying for you



sharon



london

22 Comments

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Donatien - posted on 05/22/2013

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Self harmers have this feeling of being useless. Give her a role, where she can do something.

You can teach her about her role in life being a wife and a mother.

Or she can do community service, help grandma, help you in the garden. Give her a role and responsibility.

Patti - posted on 02/23/2009

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Hi Wendy! I have been through a similar thing with my kids. I don't have all the answers. It can be hard to break through the wall, but do what you can to show her you care. My child was doing some self harming behaviors and I took her to ER and that helped to finally break through the wall. We got all sorts of support in place, first one weeks worth of inpatient care, some after care counseling, and she has finally opened up to be communicating with me regularly. I am doing what I can to be available, give her as much support as I can, and she is opening up and trusting me now. It's been a hard road. I am also doing what I can to make my home as safe as an environment as possible She was doing some cutting and it was recommended to lock up sharps at this point until she gets a little bit further along in her counseling. Let me know if you'd like to talk any further. I'd love to do what I can to help.

Robin-Dawn - posted on 02/22/2009

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hi



i have a daughter who has been where yours is now she is in a home with other teens going through the same thing and she too was abused.



please reasure her tha its not her fault as that is something she may be feeling too and that your there for her as i know you are. its a long road to go down but i hope as she gets older her life will change for the better in the self hurting . i too was there myself and it has taken me years to deal with it and it can be hard cause the person who abused me i still have to see once in a while at events in town. i pray for your family to overcome this may you all heal and stand beside one another

Angie - posted on 02/22/2009

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My teen doees is not a cutter but I was as recently as 18 months ago. I agree with Shelly, keep trying until you find the one counselor that she clicks with. For me, the physical pain felt good compared to the emotional pain that I was in. I found a good doc who prescribed the right antidepressant and I'm doing much better now - even though I still have days that I want to cut.

Corinne - posted on 02/20/2009

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my daughter also in the past had cut. She has not been abused through but she did experience her 2 year old sister dieing. She also will not talk to anyone but slowly she has been opening up to me. Just dont give up on her and keep talking to her she will one day talk to you. Keep pushing the therapy. or try to. i know how difficult teens can be.
Hugs

User - posted on 02/19/2009

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I agree with Julie, you MUST report this to the police. It will show your daughter that you are standing up for her and that is a sign of love. Be her defender!!

Sarah - posted on 02/19/2009

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get some proffesional help. they know how to talk to the kids and its their own little world. my daughter is lovely for a couple of days after her session and slowly seems to be getting better xx

[deleted account]

Hi. Very sorry to hear what is happening with your daughter. Poor baby...obviously she is hurting herself b/c of the rape. I don't understand why no one can help her. That is unacceptable. It won't get better until she gets help-have you contacted the police? Make sure you tell her you love her and it wasn't her fault, then she has to report this rape to the police, be proactive and supportive. Don't the police have people they use to help children in this situation? You're going to have to get the help she needs. Just don't drop her off at one of those places where they say they can help your child. Keep her at home, and take her to a good person the intake person at the police station recommends. I wish you and your daughter the best; and of course pray together, and #1 make sure she knows you love her and #2 reinforce to her it is not her fault.

Sarah - posted on 02/18/2009

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my daughter has just joined a group at the hospital for self harming.she wont talk to us at all. i have no advice really only that hopefully its a phase and it will pass with out much harm done but i know its an awful feeling to see your child harm themseflf xx

Emma - posted on 02/17/2009

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ive gone through this with my son and its a long road but is possible with love and support. he would cut himself the reason is because the pain they feel inside is less then the cutting, its a release. my son spent a month in a awesome program which watched him daily and we found this very helpful. talking to your daughter about the rape and just keep telling her its not her fault and just keep telling her how much you love her and just keep telling her that. right now she feels alone and that no one understands how she feels, so she feels alone. she might feel ashamed about what happened to her and she might feel that everyone can see what happened to her. try to find someone she trusts and try to get her to talk to them and cry over her innocene lost. being a woman who has been there understands how she feels. i cant stress enough to let her know that its not her fault. what is suppose to be a wonderful experience was turned terribly wrong. my heart goes out to you and your daughter, much love is sent to you and your daughter

Traci - posted on 02/16/2009

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Read How to parent your out of control teenager. Its awesome for alot of problems parents have no idea how to handle.

Shelly - posted on 02/15/2009

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Wendy,



  Keep trying I don't care if you have to go through 100 councelors until you find that one that she WILL talk to.  Have you called your local rape crisis hot line they maybe able to guide you in the direction you need to go and how you can help her while you are waiting for her to get comfortable with her self.  Has she told you who raped her, and has anything been done about it?  If not that maybe part of the problem, shes scared.  She's confused on what she be feeling right now and as long as she has this confusion she will continue to harm herself.  So make that phone call or get on line and google  the rape crisis center.  Just arm yourself with info to helper make her feel safe talking to you don't judge her for putting her self in that possition don't make her feel like it's her fault and no I'm not saying you blame her it's our language that we use or our body language just listen try not to react yes it will be the hardest thing to do if nothing else just cry with her just let her know that she is one of the most important people in your life and and no matter what she does she is your daughter and you love her....JUST  DO NOT GIVE UP ON HER..DO NOT LET HER GIVE UP ON HER... I will continue to pray for your family that God will wrap you and your daughter in his blanket of peace

Pati - posted on 02/14/2009

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Hi



though I have not had this experience with my daughter, I can only imaging what you are going through. I would suggest therapy, group therapy with kids her age and as soon as you can possibly get her there. Good luck.

Michelle - posted on 02/14/2009

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My daughter is 14 and has cut in the past. She says it's good to have her supportive friends to talk to and they help her to not cut herself.

Also, we have implimented in-home family therapy. I think that has helped her too.

But my daughter says that nothing is wrong and only her friends have helped her.



Therapy is a good thing, b/c kids like this need someone to talk to. It won't happen overnight and may take months, but you have to be proactive.



Also, we have been careful to watch her when she goes in her room and shuts the door, we open it. When she goes into the bathroom, we watch how long she has been in there. We have taken away alot of the things she could be cutting with......

paperclips, scissors, earrings, anything sharp. Things that you wouldn't htink about, they will use.

Also, note when the time she goes to cut. Did something just happen? an arguement or something?



Therapy, therapy, therapy.



And don't expect her to be honest about it with you. She will most times lie to you that she hasn't done it. Trust your gut.



I will be here if you would liek to talk.

Michelle

Shelly - posted on 02/13/2009

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YOU NEED TO GET HER INTO A PROGRAM NOW NOT TOMARROW NOT AFTER THE WEEK-END NOW!!!  She is crying out for help.  She may not know it but there is something going on in her head that she doesn't know how to handle.  No she's not going to talk to you no matter how open of a relationship you have she doesn't feel safe talking to you.  Don't take it personally she just maybe afraid of hurting you and no matter how much you try and make it safe for her to talk she wont get her help tahts the best thing you can do for her.  I hope this helps please keep us updated. 

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