how do I put my foot down to my 18yr old without it blowing up?

Sharon - posted on 01/13/2015 ( 17 moms have responded )

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My son has add and he is a senior. He is so disrespectful lately. He broke up with his girlfriend and now says he hates being single and doesn't want to go to school or do anything ( but he is still going). Now he's only worried about finding another girlfriend and nothing else. He yells at me that he doesn't want to talk. And he texts me very rude demands. I want to kick him out I'd his behavior continues, but i feel like I owe it to him to wait until graduation.....I feel lIke I have completely failed as a parent! He's very selfish...lazy etc. I love this child with every breath in my body. .but I am so tired of feeling like a doormat!

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Trisha - posted on 01/15/2015

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Let him fail...
He will learn more from that experience than anything you have tried to teach him.

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Sharon - posted on 01/18/2015

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Yes I guess part of me failed cause I thought he loved himself more than that. Well we went 2 days when him being gone and a few curse words directed at.me. he apologized and is home. But tomorrow we will sit down and I have a contract for him to sign. Cause this is the ONLYTOME he will pull this bs! Next time he can get to stepping!!

KRISTINA - posted on 01/18/2015

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Firstly you did not fail. Secondly he has to like himself before a girl will like him. Suggest he concentrates on school and what his next steps will be and he will find the right women at the right time.

Trisha - posted on 01/15/2015

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You need to decide what you think you should do. Make a decision and stick to it. He will be out of the house soon enough. Especially if his new girlfriend has a place of her own.
Either kick him out, or give up on trying to enforce anything.

Sharon - posted on 01/15/2015

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He recently broke up with his gf..now he is dating a girl who he used to date. She now is 18 has a baby and lives on her own. He says that he's depressed. He says that he doesn't feel like going to school but he is still going. He's failing almost all of his classes and just lazy at home. He just said that has to get away so he is going to go stay the night at his girlfriends house whether I like it or not. So I basically just told him that's fine but there are consequences for that. So at this point I don't know exactly what to do other than if he leaves to stay the night at his girlfriends house I take away his phone? He says he's not going to drop out or move out but he just needs a break. I think he's full of bs..he just wants to be able to go and sleep well her because he can. And he is trying to push all the boundaries

Trisha - posted on 01/15/2015

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Okay...here is my suggestion. You need to stop the constant tug of war for control with your son. He IS 18, and he wants to start running his own life. That is normal.
Sit down, and talk about eachother's thoughts and come to an agreement of what you should expect from him.
Pick your battles. He will stop disrespecting you (as much) if he feels that you respect his choices in life, and his ability to make his own decisions.
Invite him to come home for supper, stop fighting with him in the meantime. All of you should then sit down after dinner and talk about why you request these things of him. Then start asking him questions. Like WHY does he not want to go to school? What are is plans when he isn't going anymore? Let him know he can talk about where he stands on everything.

Sharon - posted on 01/15/2015

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And my husband is always saying how disrespectful he is..and he is right. But to me tough love shouldn't be face to face almost punching eacheck other out..or saying you hate your child. I don't wanna hear I told u so right now! My sons self esteem hasn't ever been the greatest, and he has always struggled. BUT I feel so angry that I have clearly failed him!! That he clearly thinks I owe him something! !!

Sharon - posted on 01/15/2015

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What your saying makes perfect sense I know. But I feel stuck, like I am trying to ride it out until graduation but not let him treat me like dirt also. Now he says he is going to spend the night tomorrow at his gf house even though he knows I will be mad..cause he's 18! I could strangle him right now! !

Trisha - posted on 01/15/2015

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Elba, are you talking to me?
LOL...my stepson loves me very much. He is not my friend though. He is the equivalent of my son. I raise him, and I am responsible for him turning out to be a responsible adult.
He will get help when he needs it, but he MUST follow rules and stipulations while under our roof. We hold him to certain CLEAR expectations, and there are consequences for not adhering to them.
And your answer is to buy him shit? I want him to be RESPONSIBLE. Therefore, make him get his own job so he can buy his own stuff. It is called tough love, and I am okay with that. He will thank us later.
We have a great relationship, but we are make sure he knows the consequences for his actions, such as quitting school before he graduates.

Elba - posted on 01/15/2015

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Try to be your stepson friend. Go out with him for lunch at his favor place, if you have extra money get him something to wear at school on the next day. Look at him as your own son, help him go thru life. Life is not easy, we all need help. DO NOT TELL HIM TO MOVE OUT OF HIS OWN HOME.

Trisha - posted on 01/15/2015

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I have a 15 year old stepson. He is a pain in the butt himself at times.
His father and I have been very clear with him for a long time. He has options: Live with us and go to school, while being respectful - OR get a job and move out.
If he gets a job after school and pays rent, we would happily keep him at home, but he has to still be respectful.

Trisha - posted on 01/15/2015

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If he is not committed to graduating, then let him fail. Let him know that as soon as he quits school, that he will need to find a place to stay, because your duty to give him food and shelter ends when he turns 18, or quits school.
Everyone needs to remember that some of the best learning experiences are when someone allows you to fail. To fall flat on your ass.
When he realizes that he needs his degree, then he will have to go back and upgrade, while holding onto a job. He will be a lot more committed to things when he has to make the decision himself.

Sharon - posted on 01/15/2015

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He is at school and sent me a text saying he will leave. What is preventing me from wanting him to leave is I feel like I have to at least see him till graduation. But on the other hand I almost feel like I will burst cause I'm so pissed and sick of how he treats me!! I don't know where he would even go....

Sharon - posted on 01/15/2015

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Now today he wants to go somewhere, I said we will see. Now he says whatever I'm 18...I'll just leave! I don't need this crap. So do I tell him to go???? He hasn't graduated, no job, no money..nothing..ugh I'm so sick of it all.

Trisha - posted on 01/13/2015

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First- Don't let his ADD be a way for you to justify on his behalf his behavior. He still needs to function as an adult soon so you need to just completely disregard that. ADD will never be an excuse for an adult to be a poor employee, or husband etc.
You do not have to kick him out. But you still have the opportunity to take away every privilege you provide until he gets his attitude under control. If he doesn't, then kick him out. You don't owe someone who disrespects you anything.
Let him know that as soon as he starts acting like a respectful adult that he can get his privileges back. If he is unhappy with his situation, he can leave.

I have a 15 year old stepson and we have to have conversations about him being an adult, and taking responsibilities for his actions, and reactions to things. If he is a disrespectful twerp, we take away his ipod and his xbox (which he paid for himself). If he continues to be disrespectful, we ground him longer.
He has a habit of slamming doors when he is angry. We made him walk back into his room and leave the house for school 3 times a few weeks ago, and every-time he did it in a disrespectful manner (muttering under breath, swearing) we grounded him again, and he started right back in his bedroom and had to do it all over again.
When he starts being respectful, and is calm and in a good mood we talk about what happened and the lessons he should have learned from the experience, and what we want him to take away from the situation.

If your son isn't working, I suspect you pay for his cell-phone. I am a big believer in telling people the consequences of something before you enact it. Tell him if he is going to be disrespectful, that you do not believe that it is his right to have the cellphone you pay for, and will start removing that privilege. Then follow through. Let him know that he will get it back after he starts being respectful. It is his main source to finding a girlfriend, so it should motivate him.

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