How do I talk to my mom about my having sex?

Callista - posted on 06/11/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )

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A couple months ago my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. It was not a wise decision, I can see it that now. My mom found out and was furious. She demanded that he and I not do that again until I am an adult and she doesn't need to know about it. The. After things calmed down we talked and she made it clear that she doesn't support it in any way. She used to be so adamant about helping me and vein tere for me if this happens, but when it did she freaked. I have decided I am really ready to take that step with my boyfriend and have thought long and hard about why I feel that way. I know I'm emotionally ready to step back into that with him, bi my only hang up is I don't want to hide it from my mom. She is my best friend and the last thing I want is for her to feel deceived again. I am just not sure how to talk to her about it? Does anyone have any experience with this and can give me some advice? My situation is very unique in the way that my relationship is genuinely more mature than most teenage relationships. This is not coming from just me, but also my mom, his parents, and basically everyone that sees us interact. He is so special to me and we connect with each other in an amazing way. We have a very healthy realistic relationship that is way more focused on our emotional relationship rather than our physical. We rushed into it when I Los my virginity to him, but we haven't had sex since and we have grown so much closer by focusing on the emotional side. We are each other's best friends and I want to take that step in our relationship. I don't want to deceive my mom though. I want to talk to her before any solid decision is made between he and I. I just want to convey this in the best way possible. Thank you for your time and advice! I really appreciate it!

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Callista - posted on 06/11/2015

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I am 17 and he is 16, we live in Utah. It is legal for us to be having sex. I have done hours of research about the best forms of birth control and the best condoms and he and I will be very aware. we have spoken to each other about this many times. We have decided in complete certainty that I will be using birth control and when we have sex we will also use a condom. I was a virgin but he was not when we did have sex. I spoke to him and the only other girl he has had sex with ad they lost their virginity to each other so there is little to no chance of STIs but we will still use condoms because better safe than sorry. In all reality the reason why I should stay open with my mom is so she can educate me and be there for me if things go sour. I have been very aware and have educated myself to the point where my health teacher was asking me for verification on some of the lesson they put together on STIs. If he and I were to break up and my mom would not be there for me, well most of my friends are adults and I have a few close friends at school that would be there for me. He and I have been very aware of our relationship and make a point to take some time apart to have time with our separate friends ad we both value spending time in groups with each others friends as well. Really my only concern is that my mom is my best friend. I don't want to lie to her. She doesn't have to approve if this is the choices I make, but I feel like I should talk to her and let her know that I would not disrespect her so much as to have him over while she is gone or even have sex under her roof. That would be a huge breach of respect and I wouldn't do that to her. I understand where this would take my relationship with him, but I am ready for that and I want to take that step with him.

Raye - posted on 06/11/2015

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How old are you? How old is your boyfriend? And where do you live? These play an important part in whether it is legal for you to be engaging in sexual activity. In the US, the age of consent is between 16 and 18, depending on state. Many states also have restrictions on how much older one partner can be from the other (generally 2-3 years). If you are over the age of consent in your state and your boyfriend is close in age to you, then it may not be against the law for you to be having sex. That doesn't mean that your parents should accept it, just that no one would go to jail because of it.

As far as talking to your mother about it... it's good that you want to talk and don't want to hide it from her. But your parents don't have to allow that behavior in their house, and they don't have to approve of it happening other places. Most parents don't want their child to engage in underage sex because the minds of adolescents are not fully developed and therefore are not capable of knowing what is or isn't beneficial to them. Underage sex is dangerous. It's generally irresponsible. And it can lead to you getting more emotionally hurt if the relationship turns sour. The ups and downs associated with getting together and breaking up may help develop important coping skills, but (especially when sex is involved) turmoil in relationships may also put some young people at risk for depression. When that relationship ends, they may no longer have a support system because they have abandoned their friends and family during their relationship. So they are left dealing with the heartbreak alone. Many teens also neglect their education in favor of their relationship, and hurt their future by not having gained the necessary knowledge and skills to succeed in life.

You may think that won't happen to you, and you could be right. But statistics are against you. Only 2% of new marriages in North America are compromised of "high school sweethearts." Teens who are dating are at great risk for experiencing verbal, emotional, and physical abuse from their partners. 61% of teens report that a partner has made them feel bad or embarrassed about themselves. 70% of high school/college age girls have had their heart broken. And 60% of high school age kids surveyed (boys and girls) actually *plan* on breaking off their relationships once they graduate (and even more end without prior planning due to changing goals for the future or just growing apart as they continue to mature).

IF you have sex, you should always use protection. Around 50% of sexually active young people can expect to become infected with a sexually transmitted infection by age 25. Condoms are the best for protecting against STI's, and are good at preventing pregnancy if used properly. But occasionally they can break. Using ones that include spermicide may help prevent pregnancy should any little swimmers get by, but that's not guaranteed. And you should use unlubricated or flavored ones if you perform any oral sex on him. Even if you were to get on birth control pills to prevent unwanted pregnancy, you should still use condoms to help prevent STI's. Nothing is 100% effective except abstinence.

I haven't helped much on how to talk to your mom. I'm sorry. But hopefully I've given you something to think about, and some of these are what your mother's concerns are as well. So if you think about this and have answers/conversation prepared for when she voices her concerns, maybe my rambling could be helpful. I would say to just try to remain calm with her. Don't argue, but discuss the issues. That would show some maturity on your part, and may help ease your mother's mind a little... just a little. She still won't be happy about you having sex, and she still won't want you to display too much affection in front of her. And she still shouldn't let you two go in your room with the door closed and do whatever you want. Just be aware of all that and try to respect your mother's wishes.

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