How do you deal with being called the "B" word?

Sally - posted on 08/14/2012 ( 20 moms have responded )

4

1

0

My step-daughter called me a hypocritical bitch in her journal that was just lying on the couch. I've given up my life for her and her sister after their biological mom killed herself 8 years ago in October.It killed me. How do other moms deal with this?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Denikka - posted on 08/15/2012

2,160

5

749

Even though her journal was just laying on the couch, you had no reason to read it. Really, the one who should be upset here is your daughter. You completely violated her privacy.
I don't view a journal as any different than person thoughts. You wouldn't, and couldn't, punish her for just THINKING that you're a bitch, and so you shouldn't punish her for writing it in her private journal.
I wouldn't address it directly at all. IF I were to say anything about the matter at all, it might just be to let her know that it would be good to be careful about anything that she writes down, because it CAN be read by the wrong people and lead to problems. Even if it is written in a place that is supposed to be completely safe and private.

Honestly, the ONLY reason that I would read the journal of one of my children would be if I truly feared for their safety. That would be things like severe depression/suicide, drug use, severe drinking, other illegal behaviour, etc. And then that would mean a lot more than just reading their journal, that would be a complete lack of privacy all around until I was assured that my child was safe.

Megan - posted on 08/15/2012

12

10

4

What's written in a journal is often an emotionally fueled rant and shouldn't be taken to heart. I don't think you should address it at all. Pick your battles. She wasn't disrespectful, didn't yell at you or call you that to your face in a heated moment. Her journal is a private healthy way of expressing her personal feelings and what she's going through at the moment. Rational or irrational. ALL kids biological or not go through periods where they 'hate' their parents for one reason or another. You can't take it personal, it doesn't mean they don't love or appreciate you. There will be many ups and downs especially since they will carry around emotions of their mother's suicide with them forever. You can't expect a child to validate your choice of giving up your life for them, one day they will realize what you have done and sacrificed.

Denikka - posted on 08/15/2012

2,160

5

749

That wasn't included in your original post. I could base my opinion on what you wrote.
In normal circumstances, it's my opinion that a parent has no right to invade their child's privacy when it comes to their personal thoughts, written or otherwise. When a child chooses to share those thoughts, on a blog or in any other way, then that is the child's choice and a separate issue.

As I said though, in the case where a child's safety is concerned, absolutely do whatever is necessary to protect the child.
But she should be allowed her opinions. She did not go up and throw an insult in your face. She ranted, privately, about something she was upset about. Everyone should be able to do that without fear of repercussions. It is still a PRIVATE thought that you technically intruded on. It was not a letter addressed to you, it was not verbally directed at you.
As I mentioned in my above post, I would warn her about what can happen when putting things down on paper. It can get into the wrong hands and cause someone to be hurt or cause problems for her. But I would not punish or reprimand her in any way.

Kathy - posted on 08/21/2012

0

0

3

I can understand reading the journal because you were worried about cutting and suicide.



I think it is even possible she left it out on purpose (usually people are very careful to hide their journals if they do not want others to read them).



I would let the "bitch" word go.



Have you ever thought a loved one was being a bitch? I have! It does not mean I do not love them, respect them etc…it just means that in that moment I thought they were being a B. I am pretty sure my daughter though I was being a B. a few days ago when I called her on her attitude.



If she is cutting and suicidal - you have much bigger issues than if she thinks you are a bitch.



I would not own up to reading the journal unless I had to, to get her help.

Loma - posted on 08/21/2012

8

13

0

First off, don't read your step daughters journal, it is a breach of trust and if you tell her you did it, it will only open a whole other door you don't want opened. Journals are meant to be used as a way to right down feelings so we do not act on them. What is written is usually not meant at the time and the words are just ways of blowing off steam. They have been the suggested use by therapists for years and are meant to be kept private because the thoughts written in them are private to the one who is in treatment. If your step-daughter is using a journal, then good for her, let her vent; But, Don't blow it out of proportion, it will only make it worse. My best friend did that to her daughter and all hell broke. It took 2yrs and becoming a grandmother to work things out with her. Try to let this roll off your back, as hard as it may be to do it. If being called a hypocritical bitch it the worse you will ever be called in your lifetime, than you are quite lucky.

20 Comments

View replies by

User - posted on 09/19/2012

4

0

0

Her journal is her private place and things are only said to release tension, plus everything as a teenager feels times ten in her mind because she is going through a massive change, i wouldn't betray her trust by reading it in the first place or telling her that you have read it... but i would sit down and ask her if she needs to let you know how she feels about anything.. and that you are still here for her and if there is anything that you can to to make life easier, ppl respond to love unless she is out of control becoming firm isn't the right time yet. Remember YOU gave your life to help them so they don't owe you anything they are still young girls finding there way just like they would have been with there mother, just as my son doesn't owe me anything, once you take that role it is yours, it is always going to have tough times just as anything in life does. you probably just upset her and she wrote it down and got over it. Quote i love "If you walked into a orchestra ready to listen to there beautiful Melody but got upset and walked out while they were still tuning up, you would miss the beautiful music!" that is the same as a teenager ... Good luck stay strong and be happy.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/18/2012

13,264

21

2015

Why were you reading her journal in the first place? Did she give you permission? A journal/diary is a place for someone to vent, to express things that are bothering them, without actually hurting anyone's feelings.



If you'd left her journal alone, then you wouldn't even know that she was upset, and she'd have probably worked through it and felt better. As it is, you've violated her trust, and I wouldn't be surprised if you've compromised the relationship.



My kids have expressed that I'm a bitch as well, usually after we argue about appropriate behaviour/consequences. It's a kid thing. They're entitled to their opinions as well, you know. They aren't little robots.



My advice is to 1) forget you ever picked up her journal 2) don't ever read her private writings without her permission again, and 3) move on. She'll either talk to you about what upset her or not, but perhaps you do want to look at the day that was written to see if you WERE being a hypocritical bitch...Most of the time, my kids didn't say that without it being true.

Bobmusicgirl4 - posted on 09/18/2012

5

0

1

My first question: why are you reading her journal? Her mother killed herself, she may be feeling all types of emotions and could have written that in an emotial state. Try your best to stay calm and NOT MENTION IT. The moment you mention you read her journal she will NEVER trust you. I know from personal experience of my own. My folks would constantly go through my room and read my personal stuff. It only pushed me away and made me hate them. (I am adopted and met my mother at age 18 and now my biological mother won't have anything to do with me, so I speak from experience.) The more you are on her side, the better off you both are. The best you can do is stay by her side because she's obviously having a rough time. She needs your emotional support and the best you can do is love her no matter what. That is my advice.

Laura - posted on 09/15/2012

4

0

0

Oh, and one more thing-

Theres a very good chance that what she wrote was directly intended for you to see/read. She left the journal out and open didnt she? Beware of emotional traps!!



Laura G.

Laura - posted on 09/15/2012

4

0

0

Your thoughts and feelings belong to you. Its what you do about them that counts. Its fine in my opinion to write that stuff in your journal. Its in my daughters writtings and i think we have a great relationship. Nobody but nobody ever likes someone 100 % of the time, thats just unreasonable to think. However, if my child were to call me a B word or say it aloud in my presence she'd better duck n weave. My daughter will be 18 the end of this October and shes never called me any sort of name. Shes told me she hated me a couple of times in the past and thats how i know we are normal.



RE: READING THE JOURNAL

I dont know how you folks here feel about your childs "privacy" but i for one would rather know whats going on in my kids life, school, friendships, etc than to not know. I mean, if theres a way i can guide her without her knowing i would rather do that. Alot of kids wont take your advice anyway just because it came from you the parent.



ALSO- I go through EVERYTHING of my childs once in a while, more so if there seems to be some drama going on at school, or our conversations dont add up. BUT never would i ever use any information i may find/learn for any reason other than my own personal knowlege. I guess i just want to know where my kids head is at, ya know?



Laura G.

Bobbie - posted on 09/02/2012

500

9

169

P.S.

I just read you up date that you didn't invade her privacy since she has talked about cutting and suicide. One doesn't actually have anything to do with the other. Her private thoughts are hers. Her journal is hers. She can communicate to you or other family members or counselors about her thoughts of suicide. Cutting is something you monitor physically with understanding and love. Cutting is a way to release pain. This may be bigger than you and your husband and she requires addtional support of a therapist to heal her pain. Most insurance carriers cover 100% of mental care as well as substance abuse, which she is probably heading toward. Most teenagers in pain self medicate.

Good luck and remember, it is all about your love, attention and affection. If you can't offer her love due to past history, step aside allow a therapist to give her what she needs to heal.

Bobbie - posted on 09/02/2012

500

9

169

It isn't true that sticks and stones my break our bones but names will never hurt us. BUT, there is always a little truth to the hurtful things children say. I think as Moms we need to deal more with the relationship and less with the name calling. To look inward to see if there is any basis for the comments that are around the B word. In this case "hypocritical".

It was strange that you used the word killed twice in one line. To say their mother killed herself then to say it killed me.

Regardless of what you feel you have done for them they owe you nothing. It sounds harsh but it is the truth. What you do, what you give up and especially what happened to their mother, is not their fault. They suffered a great loss and with that loss comes struggle to see life as fair. I mean after you loose a mother to tragedy at a young age how do you ever look at anything in life being fair ever again?!

Please do things out of love only. If you want to give up your life because you love them, let them know that you love them, not that you gave up your life. See what I mean?

Also, teenagers have feelings. They write it down to have a voice. She needs to feel safe that she can have these feelings and think that no one will read her thoughts. If they leave their journals on the sofa or spread open on the table, it is still an act of privacy invasion to read it. She was blowing off steam. Just as you are blowing off steam saying that you gave up your life for them and reading it killed you. both comments seem over dramatic so know that children have a way of holding a mirror up to us. To mirror our behavior.

Now that you know how she really feels it is more important to correct your relationship with her than to harp on being called the B word. As a matter a fact, she didn't actually call you a B word she wrote in her private. It may be just how she was feeling at that moment and no longer harbors hurt or anger. I suggest you to do the same.

Kristi - posted on 08/19/2012

1,355

3

78

Kim--

You obviously have not been a stepparent. I wonder if you actually have children. Your comment was ridiculous. What parent, or human beinging for that matter, would think it wasn't his/her responsibility to act when a child is crying out for help? Most stepparents love their children (bio or step) with everything they have. Christ, I don't know why I'm bothering.

Tracy - posted on 08/19/2012

207

5

2

Considering her attitude, mentality, and maturity that she is considering suicide and cutting (or IS cutting)... her calling you a hypocritical bitch just seems like a "natural" part of that attitude. Personally, I don't take that word seriously. She's allowed to let off steam and she didn't say it to your face. If she can't let these feelings out into her journal, her private space, then she can't let them out ANYWHERE. If you were worried about suicide and cutting, maybe reading the journal was warranted, but don't get upset or punish her for expressing feelings in this journal. It will only show her she truly has NO WHERE to turn to release pent up anger, frustration, etc...

Kim - posted on 08/19/2012

28

7

0

Its really not your place to know what is going on its her fathers place but you could say I feel like you have some anger towards me let's talk this thru and fix this

Amanda - posted on 08/19/2012

377

33

2

I agree with to previous posts it was wrong for you to read her journal and I am sure if she went into your cell phone, read through your emails or your journal you would be rightfully upset. If you were concerned she was becoming suicidal or depressed then the benefits of discovery outweigh the wrong of reading it but to go past glancing through for worrisome phrases was just nosy and wrong. You need to just forget what she wrote about you. Most kids go through the I don't like my parents (birth, step, adopted) phase.

Kristi - posted on 08/17/2012

1,355

3

78

I understand what it feels like to take in children that belong to another woman and love and care for said children as if they were your own. I've been a stepmom twice. I had a great deal of trouble with one of my stepdaughters in my first marriage. She and her siblings had been through a "wild" ride with both parents so she and her sister (the other 5 were not from my ex)were very skeptical about trusting somebody new. I did everything I could think of, including therapy, to help them readjust, again, to another new situation. We even tried counseling as one unit with their mom. (that actually ended up well, but that's another story) I couldn't understand why she continued to lash out. When my ex and I split, I took the girls and my daughter with me. Their mom soon made room for them. In any event, the one daughter was still resentful and I was broken hearted, as I had tried so hard! It turned out that my ex had been beating her. She thought I knew and that I was just letting it happen. Once that was cleared up, and I stopped vomiting (literally) from the horribleness of everything, we finally bonded. 12 years later we (the girls and their mom and my daughter and I) are still extremely close.

My point, after all that, is that maybe there is or has been something else going on with her. If she has voiced thoughts of suicide and cutting, she should be under the care of a psychiatrist and a therapist. Those are games you don't want any part of. (not saying suicide and cutting are games in any way, the exact opposite, in fact) I've been, hence my family has been, plauged with mental health issues since I was 15. It devastates a family from every direction. If she isn't already in treatment, I emplore you to get her in it before it is too late. Mental illness can also be hereditary. Not to mention, what she must be feeling about her mom's suicide. It may have been 8 years ago but she will, more than likely, struggle with that for the rest of her life.

Also, since you read that she thought you were a hypocritical bitch you must have read what was written with it, could there be any reason she might have perceived you that way? I'm completely not saying you did anything wrong, just that teens and parents have totally different thought processes and maybe she mistook something you said or did at that time. Just a thought.

I agree with the other moms who have said not to take it personally and not addressing it head on, if at all. Many times when a teen calls you a bitch it just means you are doing your job right because you are setting limits and standards and holding them accountable when they step over the line and that pisses them off. (even though that is just what they need and will thank you for it later) I wish you and your family peace and wellness. You all will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Kim - posted on 08/16/2012

28

7

0

Well if you are indeed worried about her as you just stated why have you not sought help for her? It my be good for her to get things out on paper in fact, a kind of therapy. Maybe she was feeling that in the moment she's a child that don't mean she feels that now. However you don't have a right worried or not to invade her privacy. If you are worried from time to time talk to her ask her how she's doing let her know youre concerned snooping can lead to worse problems.

Sally - posted on 08/15/2012

4

1

0

I DID NOT violate her privacy considering she has talked about suicide and cutting.

User - posted on 08/14/2012

2

0

1

I would ask her about in a very calm way. Let her know that you love her most of all, but then let her know how bad it hurt you. Don't yell or scream, but you must let her know that she has hurt you. If she continues acting like it doesn't matter then quit being so nice. Sounds like she is wanting to act like an adult, so she needs talked to like one. Hopefully she will she that she has hurt you and it will all work out. Good luck and God Bless

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms