How do you punish a 12 year old for leaving without permission coming home at 12:30 at night?

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Malinda - posted on 02/16/2010

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Well... He/She does not run the show you do. It sounds to me like they want the upper hand and they want to "run their own life" I had that issue once....once! That is when my daughter got her own personal officer. her brain fell out and she wanted to act crazy and do things like that so I called the police on her.... Officer Cooper :) Love him. He scared the crap out of her. Told her that the next time he had to come he was just going to put her arms behind her back and put her in the back of the car and take her in, there would be no talking going on... there was a few ups and downs after that but she got herself together really quick. He/She needs to respect you and know that you mean business! Paige after that knew I was not messin around with her anymore! That was almost two years ago. One of her friends said "I can't believe your mom called the police on you" and Paige said "You don't know my mom... she doesn't play around!" Now she tells me that she is glad because she really was not heading in the right direction and I had to put her back on the right path. Good luck sweetie. Sometimes we just have to get tough with them.

Nikki - posted on 02/20/2010

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my 15 year old son did that just 2 weeks ago. His entire life has changed now and he was not prepared for this. He lost his cell phone, he lost the right to get his permit, he has a very strict and structured life. He gets up, goes to school and comes home. His entire purpose is school and nothing else. WE run this house not him and he is learning this lesson hard right now. He is the second of 6 children and we wont put up with it. There is respect and responsibility that is required. We pay the bills and will not have him trying to do what he wants. If he gets a job and his own place then he can make the rules. Good luck

Eleanor - posted on 02/23/2010

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U nver said if it was a boy or girl, but first thing I'd do is ground them and then try speaking to them, I know that can be hard to get them to listen, lol, but explain the dangers of them going away and you not knowing where they are, I'd even maybe let them wait maybe 1/2 hr one day after school if you are normaly at home for them coming in and let them see wot it's like to not know where you are and explain how you felt not knowing where they where at that time of night especially. but I'd try and find out wot they were up to or if it was just peer pressure tat made them stay out, and question who they are hanging out with if thier parents let them stay out to that time or is it older kids they are with. Good luck with it cos I know i'd b at my wits end if my 12yr old daughter stayed out to that time, Ellie x

Amanda - posted on 02/22/2010

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you take everything away and put them on punishment for a while until they can prove too you that they have earned your trust and don't let them go anywhere and know there every move. i know what you are going through cause my daughters did something similar too and i almost lost it cause anything can happen out there and you go crazy.

Charity - posted on 02/22/2010

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I know what you went through..believe me....because I am dealing with the same thing now...but she continued to sneak out the window daily...so we called the cops on her they picked her up and sent her to lake county juvinille center for teens...and then i thought she would have learned with that but nope...she kept doing it over and over again...so now she is the ward of the state and we go to court on March 1st to determine if we will be able to take her back or if she will continue to be the ward of the state, which means she will be in a home then... but not with us...and i hope that is not the case...I cant imagine my life without her...soooo when i say i know what u r going through i do...i just hope yours does not get as bad as her...by the way she is 15 years old.

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Rhonda - posted on 04/16/2015

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My experience is similar to yours. My daughter does exactly as she pleases. I have just asked her to leave the house as I can no longer be responsible for her safety.

Shirley - posted on 02/27/2010

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I'd find out the reason and the people she was with..and make it my buisiness to find out what type of kids they are.
I always tell mine, "you make your own choices,no one else. But if you choose to make a wrong decision with a friend, then you shouldn't be hanging with them,but with friends who give you the strengh to make the right choices. They are making the choice and they pay thier own consequences.If they want to be angry at anyone for the consequences they endure, look in the mirror.

Amber - posted on 02/23/2010

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My son just pulled that not to long ago. Everything was removed from his room and he was grounded, to his room for a week. A book was the only thing I allowed him to have. No phone calls, no computer, no TV, nothing. Of course he could go to the rest room and eat. But that was it. He now calls me every time he thinks he is going to be even a few minutes late and he asks me any time he even wants to go outside.

[deleted account]

Well I have a 13 and a 15 year old...my first question that no one seems to have asked is Where were you when your child left? Did they sneak out or just walk out the front door? I am not criticizing just wanted details. If it is a sneaking out issue first off take everything and I mean everything away for a good long period of time. I don't know your financial situation but I also have alarm sensors that are hooked to the house alarm, on both of my teenagers bedroom windows. You can get some that are not real expensive at most baby stores, they are meant for doors but can be adapted to windows.

Joanna - posted on 02/22/2010

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*I Have 2 Sons, 18 & 21(In March) also A step son(13) Just moved in with us & A 10* yr. old Daughter....My Middle son(18 yr. old now) ~ 1 1/2 wk.s Before his 16th* Bday, He was already grounded ~ My husband & I were at A Camp ground, JAMIE* was supposed to be House sitting for his Aunt~ Rules were Specific & Detailed ~ Do Not leave! No Company~ Keep the place clean,Take care of the Pets ect.... the Usual~ about 2 ~ 3 in the Morning, I'm hanging off the Air Mattress,trying to get signal on cell*, The POLICE are telling me I have to come back in town & pick up my son from the Jail !!!~ I ASked them to let him stay Over night & I'd pick him up in the morning, Let him learn a lesson~ But they're Not allowed to do that anymore..so~we drove back & picked him up. He was caught out after Curfew,Several blocks from his Aunts house ~With A Shot Glass & A Bottle of Alcohol* in his Pants*~( WHich he Claimed to have *Found*(LOL) He was Grounded for The Entire *6mths that he was on Probation~took his *PS2~ Stereo~ t.v.~ No Friends ~ & the Biggest ACtion we took ~was that we sent his Bday Gift to the Junk Yard~ we had gotten him A used Demolition Derby car & was going to Sign for him Participate that summer... (That part may have been a bit far, But we'd never* had anything like that happen before & wanted to make sure it didn't happen again*) He was also to Find a part time job & pay us back for the Probation fees.

Tiffany - posted on 02/22/2010

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Fortunately my 15 year old has not pulled that yet. But I would ground her for at least a month. No phone, ipod computer, take away her FB or myspace account. And of course no hanging out with friends. If he/she did it again I would have to agree with other parents & call the cops & have the officers scare them straight.... so to say. Good luck to you. I know teenagers & pre-teens are a little challenging. I would also contact the parent of whoever they were with & let them know what was going on just in case they were unaware of it.

Vickie - posted on 02/22/2010

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The biggest issue here now is trust! You can ground for a week or even a month but at the end of that time are you going to trust that child? Yes, I would take away the cell phone, computer other than for homework only, and no going anyplace other than school. I would talk to the child and let them know what they did was wrong and what could have happened to them and you wouldn't even have known because they took off without permission. You didn't know where they were or who they were with. I would ground and take everything away but without a set time limit. They would have to earn the right to have things back. After a month if they have done as told they could have the computer back. After another week or two if they are still doing good the cell phone. And so on. If they are caught using the computer or phone or whatever they have been grounded from that just delays how fast they will get priviledges back.
The child needs to know I have to follow my parents rules or you will pay. I would have extra chores for them to do during the grounded period. At the same time I would also take advantage of this time and have one on one talks and quality time.

Take Care :)

JACQUI - posted on 02/22/2010

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Ground her for a week and if she is not behaving expand it further.
At 12 they are still babies, who on earth was she out with at 12.30am?
Tell her you will call the police next time and was so worried that she could have been murdered, raped, etc,
say you love her but need to know where she is at all times due to her age and that she has to prove that she is responsible before she goes out again, give her housework, tasks, etc

[deleted account]

yes, all of the above. If something terrible happened, how would you cope! I don't care if I have to sit on my child to keep her from sneaking out at night. It'd have to be better than the police at my door with bad news. Thankfully my child is quite content with her lifestyle at the moment, and is happy to be at home. She plays so much sport that I'd be surprised if she had the energy to stay up that late. Good luck!

Felicia - posted on 02/21/2010

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That's jail time in our house. No phone, no tv, no cell, no movies, no friends, no video games and extra chores. I do however allow books.

Ang - posted on 02/21/2010

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I would be more worried if the child was sneaking out and with who and why? You know if their behavior is it off or changing? Are there new friends that they are hanging out with that might be bad influences? Plus they are getting ready for the wonderful yet dreadful at times adolescent stage. Letting them know you are available to talk about anything without judging will help them trust you and come to you during these crazy years. It is too easy to punish ( I know I have three teenage boys) but much harder to develop a trusting relationship. Good luck

Irene - posted on 02/21/2010

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try confiscating his/her cellphone for several days or a week!! it worked for my daughter. :)

Gail - posted on 02/21/2010

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I agree with all of the other moms on here. 1. Why was the child out cause there are curfews in most towns. 2. Take away all of the things that they hold so dear. 3. Sit down and have a heart to heart talk with them. Sometimes they just feel that no one understands what is going on in their lives.

I am very lucky that my 15 year old daughter has not done any of this cause she knows I am old school. She knows that I am the parent and she is the child that lives under my rules. She calls me and lets me know where she is at all times; even when she comes home from school. She also tells me alot of her secrets which I am very lucky cause most teenagers don't even want to talk to their parent about things from life in general to boys etc.

Wanda - posted on 02/21/2010

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The same way I punish my 18 & 20 yr old by grounding them. Your son/daughter is trying to test their boundaries, to see what they can get away with. Start being firm now so you won't have this problem when they are older. Like other responses said taking away their luxuries usually does the work along with home confinement.

Cheraki - posted on 02/21/2010

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Sit your child down and let them know that since they should how immature they are by acting crazy.. Then there are going to be punishments issued.... I agree with others by taking away things that your child holds dear.... when friends call I would say yep they are home...however they are grounded and can't come to the phone call back in a month or how ever long the grounding is... Take away the computer do not allow your child on it unless it has to do with homework or schoolwork... Don't allow them to watch tv or anything.. If your child has a myspace or facebook delete them... You are going to get backlash from your child for your actions just in return remind them of thiers...
Tell them they want to act like a baby then in return treat them like one... A baby has no luxuries.. they don't get to do what they want.. They have to be with parent(s) all the time so they can be kept an eye on to make sure they don't get hurt,,,

Sometimes you got to show tough love.... Call the local police and inform them of the situation and let them know you are scared for your child... Call the morgue and see if they will let you do a field trip with your child to show them the out come of those types of behavior...

Good Luck and Best Wishes

Shelley - posted on 02/21/2010

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I would first of all ask my daughter why she did this, where she was, and what she was doing. I would also ask about her friends, if they did the same thing and why. Sometimes they are in "teen crisis" and need to talk to an adult. I would tell my daughter that I was scared something serious could have happened and give an example. I tell my teens that I love them too much to not deal with situations where they need guidance and then I try to have to punnishment fit the crime. If they are abusing "going out" privaledges then those would be gone, and when they are slowly given back there would have to be alot of checking in to build up trust. I would also talk to the other parents. It takes a community to raise a child and my children know that all of us parents work together to provide the best life for our children because we all care. My husband and I believe that if you only use punnishments, teens rebell and shut down.

Lori - posted on 02/21/2010

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She should loose all that is important to her for atleast a week. It will be hard, but if you don't hold true to the punishment, SHE will be harder to deal with in the long run. YOU are the mom, she is the child. She needs to realize that. BE TOUGH!!!

Kell - posted on 02/21/2010

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if my kid did that..id be finding out where she was and dragging her butt back home... what is a 12 yr old doing out at that time of night? it also depends on where you live, we have no cerfews hear but the cops can and will step in to help, and yep everything taken off them and then sat down and have a big chat

Marion - posted on 02/21/2010

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My son did the same thing , when he got back I asked him if he had a good time .
And if he would like something to eat . You should have seen his face.
He never did it again .So my message is make a good memory from it and the fun
of doing what he did and you not minding to much .Tell him you were worried though.
It worked for me .He is now 36

Coleitha - posted on 02/20/2010

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wow isnt it amazing to punish teens u almost have to punish yourself take her phone allowance and anything else she really wants

Donna - posted on 02/19/2010

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Ring the local police station and word them up on what's happened and ask if you may take her to them and they can let her know sternly what can happen to her out on the streets if this behaviour continues and parents don't know where she is. Trust me - been there-it works, (and to all the mums who are gonna say "don't waste police time etc. - the police would rather deal with her/him now,rather than 15 and run away from home etc. cheers Donna

Tracey - posted on 02/19/2010

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Have you sat them down and voiced you concerns clearly about how precious they are to you and how much worry they cause. Let them know what you are worried about and give examples of things that have happened in your community.
Have you tried going out and not coming home when expected for something they want to do? You have to casually arive back like you dont think you did anything wrong though. If you are lucky they will get upset like you do and you will have a great oportunity to throw all the answers they give you back at them.
Maybe if child thinks they are and adult they should get to do the crap adult stuff as well. Go on strike and do nothing for them until they contribute an adult share!

Judy - posted on 02/19/2010

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Start taking things away things that mean alot to him or Her. For 2-4weeks But you have to do it, don't bluff it. Give them the moral reason why He or She should not sneek out at night,the dangers and crefews in your town. All kinds of reasons why it not safe. Good luck to you Lydia

ANNETTE - posted on 02/18/2010

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Well for starters they would have no pivlages....I mean No phone,No computer and No T.V....It soundsto me like he/she needs a firm foot up thier butt. Do they enjoy having a House to come home to? Might want to ask them that cause if not I'm sre the Juvenale court System might have a place for them..I wouldn't put up with it and it would definatly be the last time...They wouldn't see day light except for going to school for awhile

[deleted account]

My parents, way back when, held me at home for 30 days after my sneaking out incident. It was terribly embarrassing and I never did it again because I hated not being with my friends, who did NOT get as severely punished.

Lydia - posted on 02/17/2010

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Before doing anything. You know his character better than anyone else. Before all the grounding, etc.. Ask yourself, do you know his friends? People he mixed with? Of course there is a necessity to let him know your disappointment. But dealing with an individual with a mind of his own, your success will be to know what's in his mind. Merely challenging your authority? or under some influence from peer pressure? Is he trying to prove something to his friends to gain acceptance from them? Analyse and explore for the root problem before taking actions. Changed mind concepts will bring about changing behavior.

Jenna - posted on 02/17/2010

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Take away ALL of her privileges including cell phone, Internet, etc., friends over, etc. Do not give in no matter what. Let her know that there is nothing appropriate for a 12 year old to do after hours out of the house and that behavior is not acceptable. Being cut off from the world as she knows it will be miserable for her. Let her know if it happens again, the next punishment will be worse. Hang in there.

Theresa - posted on 02/17/2010

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Where is he going? Most towns have a curfew for kids. Report him to the police. If he's going to a friends let the parents know that it's not OK with you for him to be over there that late. You need to let him know NOW thatyou're in charge not him or you will be having lots of problems when he hits the real teen stage. I still think reporting him to the police is best. Does your kid's school have a police person there that you can talk to. If you don't know ask the school office. A lot of school have a police liason (sp?), or a dare officer. Talk to that police person. Tell him the issues you're having and see what he suggests. Maybe being picked up for breaking city curfew, or for being a "runaway" and having to do some community service will teach him that he doesn't run the house you do, and he needs to follow rules. As far as the punishment, take everything from him, no phone, no friends, no TV, no video games, no computer (except for school work). Those are all privileges, not rights. He should have to earn them. The only things he has a right to are shelter, food (it doesn't have to his favs, snacks or restaurant either), and clothing (again doesn't have to be name brands). When ever my kids tell me I'm a mean mom (you never let me do anything) I love to remind them of what i "never" do. "You're right, I'm a horrible mom. I never should have taken you to Subway last night for supper like you wanted. I'll remember how mean I am the next time you want to go eat." Things like that. It usually makes them feel good and guilty, at least for a little while.

Christina - posted on 02/17/2010

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She is not respecting the house rules. I think the punishment always needs to fit the crime. If she wants to live in your house, then she needs to show she wants to live there. I'm sure she has a lot of extras that were bought for her, the cell phone, the Nintendo, Wii, tv, so until she starts obeying the rules, start by taking her most favorite things. I didn't have the same situation, but it still was the issue of respecting your parents. My daughter is acting a lot better now. My daughter gets things taken away for a month, but if she acts better she can shorten that time to three weeks. Also make sure you don't fold and you hold her responsible for her own behavior. Other respect issues are raising her voice to you, smarting off, and slamming doors.

Tam - posted on 02/17/2010

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just start taking stuff away like the cell phone or internet they cannot stand that!!

Shirley - posted on 02/17/2010

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I have a thirteen year old....and if he did do something like that he would be grounded for a month and everything would be taken away for at least a week!!

Lucynda - posted on 02/16/2010

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grounding, and all luxuries they hold so dear to their heart should be taken...cell, ipod, computer etc. Once the grounding is up and they have earned back the privelege of their luxuries freedom & trust, lay the law down and give them another chance. If they pull coming in late on you again.....report them to the police if nothing else have the officer put the fear in them!

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