How much abuse to take until enough is enough??

Sarah - posted on 07/11/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hi All,
Ive just found this site and realised that im not alone with my problem, Seems there are alot of us with problem teenagers. My son is 18 next month, weve reached crisis point again.
I have brought up my son to the very best I could, he has lived with my partner and I for 17 years, he has always had access to his Dad's but they are very similar and always argued. He has barely seen or spoken to his Dad in the passed 2 years.
When my son was 14 he walked out on us at christmas for no reason, didnt talk to me at all and had nothing to do with us on Birthdays, etc. I was so unhappy and struggled mentally with it all, repeatedly tried to talk to him to no avail. Then one day he phoned up to say that his Dad had kicked him out, we let him back in with open arms. We spent all our time and money on him growing up always putting him first, advised him well gave him space and few rules that he has always ignored, but he treats us with nothing but contempt, we have had a catalogue of abuse over the years, when my Dad died it was my fault and when a secret came out that I had been both sexually and physically abused as a child came out my son came home one day and said he had discussed it with his Dad and they believed that I was making it all up!! That hurt.
He is controlling and possessive with his 16 year old girlfriend, they argue alot, ive recently had my 4th spinal surgery and have needed four weeks off work, and my son didnt text, phone, visit or anything when I was in hospital, no card nothing, then when I came home and i was in my bedroom whilst my partner was at work, fairly unwell he didnt so much as even come into my room and see if im okay, or make a single cup of tea, nothing, then he was texting me for paracetamol as he had a headache! He actually wanted me to get up and get him paracetamol when I had spinal surgery!!
We have been called: useless, irrisponsible, selfish, we only think of ourselves, we bully him, we are immature, im competely mental and need to see someone, ive been sworn at, told repeatedly we are terrible parents and generally hurt beyond anything I thought possible, all we ever did was our best, he says thats F&%ck!!ing Bull!&it, he is 18 next month, screwed up school as he never coped with teachers and authority, and used to sit doing nothing but play xbox all night, staying in bed until 1pm, lied about being at college still to us and his Dad, we payed for him to do a refereeing course £150 plus kit, he completed the course but not the practicals another waste of time and money trying to help him. He now has a part time job at the cinema, he does no tidying or cleaning up at all, just throws everything dirty on the floor upstairs, despite us asking for years to help out millions of times, we both work full time long hours now he is older, and I have pain from my spine everyday. He has Zero compassion, or empathy, zero real friends, and is under the illusion that we are the worst parents in the world. Its taken its toll and we are very upset, but like another person said, if we keep him, feed him and give him someone to permanently abuse he will just carry on, he is starting to treat his girlfriend in the same way, she cant go here, she cant go there, she will cheat, he is so angry at the rest of the word, and its always everyone elses fault. Ive cried anough over the years, ive stood in front of 100s of teachers trying to defend him, ive always been on his side, and maybe that has been my mistake. My partner and I didnt have easy upbringings and have had to deal with our own issues and demons, weve done all the hard work ourselves so we can change, and we are nothing other than caring loving people, yet we ended up in this predicament. Its broken my heart 100 times, but now I have had anough of the bullying me, saying the most horrible things then denying it, causing pain and heartache and using us as slaves, we have asked him to move into his Dads for a while as we need a break asap to preserve our own sanity! right now he has disowned us as parents, and just speaks to us like dirt, but he is still happy to eat the dinner we have left him! We realise that we are not alone, and whilst my son has never brought trouble to our door, he has hurt us a billion times too many, we are his verbal punchbags and his people to do things for him, the balance has to change. I hoped that he would see that he had gone too far, but he just thinks ''no its fine I will go to my Dads' until its his fault again, he will be happy there for a while slagging us off, but what happens when his Dad has had enough again? I tried so hard to get it right, hes had a wonderful life and yet its turned out like this.

2 Comments

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Kristi - posted on 07/15/2013

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He's of age. As difficult as it will be when/if his father kicks him out, you musn't let him back in your home. No one deserves the kind of abuse you've been subjected to, although you've allowed it to go on this long, you have the chance now, to remain free of it. He needs a good dose of reality. If you choose to let him back and you choose to continue to do every little thing for him, you are essentially choosing to be abused again. I know that sounds harsh and I'm sorry but I want you to see that you do have control here. It's painful, of course. You'll have to be strong but that doesn't mean you can't grieve, so to speak. I wish only good things for your future.

Gayle - posted on 07/14/2013

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The good news is he is not " turned out " yet. Set boundies and as hard as it is stick to them. He is too old to be treating you this way, and is not being done any favours by getting away with it, but you know that. As hard as it is going to be you just can't let him live with you and act this way.

My heart goes out to you.

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