How often to call my 18 year old son? He has moved out a few months ago.

Fran - posted on 08/04/2014 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Hello everyone, my son moved out in may/14 and seems to be adjusting well. He is living in a residence with 5 other boys. He used to call me more often and visit me several times a week in fact i mentioned to him to find other interests and contact his friends to make plans with them instead of just with me. He does suffer from adhd and social anxiety. Is on meds etc which has helped him a great deal. His self confidence has taken a beating.

On Friday, i happened to see a copy of his bank statement as i know he gets paid at the end of the month. i was shocked to see he only had $43 left and asked him what did he spend his money on ie. i suspected electronics and video gaming stuff. I guess maybe i should not have said anything as he did pay me for his monthly cell phone bill and he pays for his room and board...but he got really upset and proceeded to go back to his residence.

I was very upset and called the residence and spoke to the workers there and explained what happened...they said they would note it as something he needs to work on as part of his life skills. I have spoken to him a few times by calling him...but he always sounds rushed and gets me off the phone quickly. Soun ds like he is busy with others as i hear the other residents talking. That nite he left he mentioned he will onlyy come back in 1 mth to get his ps4. My heart is breaking and i miss him. I just ant to know he is ok.

Should i or should i not call him again. i spoke to him yesterday and he sounded fine but i would like him to call me just to know he is ok! Any words of support/advice is mmost appreciated!

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Tanya - posted on 08/08/2014

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I don't have any advice but I'm so sorry he's rushing you and not speaking to you as much. I cry just thinking of my daughter one day telling me off-hopefully not, going out, doing regular teenage stuff...

I think Shawnn gave you great advice!

Emerald - posted on 08/06/2014

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Call about once a week just to check up on him. If you call too much he may think you don't trust him enough and if you don't call enough he may think you don't care enough. Once a week Is a good compramise.

Fran - posted on 08/06/2014

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Thanks Shawnn for your feedback. I wasn't purposely looking at his bank acct but happened to see a slip of paper he left on a counter in my house when he came to visit. I guess in hindsight i should have said nothing. Since this happened i saw him on Monday and i appologized and just asked him to work on budgeting better and if he needed help to let me know or ask someone at his residence ie one of the staff.

I'm trying to adjust to the transition without being a helicopter mom. I didn't mention my son suffers from anxiety/depression and adhd which makes him impulsive to spending...thus my concern with this overspending.

But yes i need to respect his privacy and let him experience the consequences of his actions....as hard as it is to do!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/06/2014

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Mine calls at least twice a week, and we chat online daily.

Why are you checking his bank accounts? He's legally an adult. I check my son's as well, but only when he asks me (because he wants to brag about how well he's managing...LOL), and I haven't for over 2 years now. Of course, mine's 20 now, but still...

Each person will be different, contact wise. You may not always agree with their method or frequency of contact, but you really can't dictate how or when they should do so. I found that, with my guys, if they wanted to text me, no biggie...they were communicating with me. If they'd rather call, great! Stop by? Even better! But, I don't push.

If I haven't heard from them in awhile, I'll drop them a text to make sure they're still 'ok'...LOL...and generally they're just fine, just busy with work and school.

In other words, mom...you and he will get a routine down. Let him know that you'd still like to hear from him more frequently, but don't expect it to happen overnight. Drop him a text or a note once in awhile.

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