How to get my husband to help w/difficult teen son?

Kathryn - posted on 12/29/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I have 4 sons, all teens, but one son in particular is very difficult for me to handle. We have had problems since he was 6 and my husband has never helped me with him. My son is too big and strong for me to handle on my own. This son was recently diagnosed as a slow learner and very low processing skills and I daily have to spend several hours going over a neurodevelopment program with him. I want my son to find successes in life but I cannot tolerate his disrespectfulness and tantrums. My son is always so angry with me for no reason and can yell at me in normal conversation with no backup from my husband for me! Have any of you been through a situation like this? I don't think I can handle the stress anymore.

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[deleted account]

My goodness you sure are paying the price in your childrens lives. Yes your husband sure is the good time guy, I wish I had that problem. It sounds like that is the way he wants to be, have all the fun and give none of the descipline. Yes Im like you as I want to know what is going on facebook Ive only ever had trouble with my 15year old daughter and facebook as you go to ask her anything and she gives you a screaming match she took my husband of FB but now he is back on but its hard to monitor them as they go to their inbox and say everything there. How old is your youngest boy and dont you think that he is a bit young to have a girlfriend, My girl as I said is 15 and I think that she is too young but she is so well developed she can pass for 18 anyday and then when she puts makeup on well all the boys stare at her, the only reason that she doesnt have a boy and thats because she is too nervous to talk to boys which is probably a good thing, at school here in Australia so much pressure is put on you to have a boyfriend and if you dont the other girls call you names or ask are you a lesbian its so hard for a girl and I suppose boys just to be normal, our girl goes to a private catholic school and they are very good but the pressure is shocking by the other girls, even our youngest son when he went to school because he hung around with a group of boys he was called gay luckily he never cared he is still very young but he has been married 2 years now and is a great boy. I really can see why you might be resentful because of your husband, I just get the impression that he doesnt care and wants to be Mr nice guy. Do you have a brother or a dad that could talk to your son about girls and respect. As for your husband he sounds like that he is going to do nothing and when things happen its going to be all your fault. Sorry my friend if he doesnt straighten out I would be doing something as I couldnt handle the way he treats you with no respect and doesnt speak or desipline your children. I was first married to a guy like that.

Kathryn - posted on 01/01/2013

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When it come to discipline my husband doesn't help with any of the boys. He's the good time Charlie in our house. If he just helped with this one it would be so helpful, but honestly, he doesn't help with the discipline of any if them. My youngest son has his first girlfriend and I off and on monitor his Facebook (and all of the boys for that matter) to make sure everyone is on the up and up. My youngests girlfriend is a 13 year old cougar so I asked my husband to have a talk with him about girls and what relationships at his age are appropriate and not, as well as even when a young lady doesn't respect herself he always should, among other things. He said he would and then a week went by and nothing so I asked again. Still nothing so I ask again & I'm met with him yelling at me that he will. That was a few weeks ago and still nothing. Once again I will have to handle it but it would have a greater impact coming from him. Being afraid just isn't an excuse for not beging a parent to our sons. I'm trying very hard not to be resentful.

[deleted account]

I don't understand your husband its like he doesn't want to know maybe he is scared of hurting your son considering that you have adopted him, I also have an adopted son by my first marriage, who I loved too much and always gave into him, I didn't do myself any favours as he came between me and my husband for a long time but my husband was determined that if we were to be a blended family with his three children as well then my son would have to tow the line. Its only going to get worse for you if your husband doesn't help you now. Is there another member of your family that could talk to your husband, because he needs to get off his backside and do something for you as you are the one that is going to get hurt. Maybe your son blames his birth family like my daughter does for all the problems, and takes it out on the one that he loves the most which seems to be you, just like my daughter (foster). Maybe your husband could be scared of him or maybe he just doesn't care, and to me your husband just doesn't seem to care, how does he treat your other three children. Sha

Kathryn - posted on 12/30/2012

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It's funny you say you have trouble like this with your foster child because my troubled son was adopted over 10 years ago. He has always had anger issues and it has alway been directed soley towards me. The weirdest thing is that he can be the most charming, polite and easy going kid around everyone else, including my husband. The only ugliness he displays towards me in front if others is a disrespectful attitude and he saves the tantrums for when my husband and others are gone. It's really weird and he's always been that way so I take the brunt of everything. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't help me out, not even when he hears our sons disrespectful speech towards me. Last night, for example, my son came to me needing help with his computer. As I asked him very simple questions trying to get to the bottom of the computer problem, he started yelling his answers back to me very disrespectfully. My husband heard it all but didn't intervene once on my behalf; I had to handle the situation entirely on my own. When I sent the son upstairs, I walked over to my husband and said I sure could use help with our son, but he seemed to not know what he did to make me upset. When I explained it to him, he had no comment and the subject was dropped. I just don't understand! I would have his back, I want to be a team, we would be stronger that way. He just doesn't get it. I cannot raise this one son entirely on my own as I've been doing for the past 10 years. He has too many issues to not have a strong parental unit handling it. I wanna scream!

[deleted account]

Dear Kathryn I have been through this many times with our daughter (foster daughter) I have threatened to leave because of the way that my daughter speaks to me, but my husband is on the same page. You have to work together with your son or he is going to keep walking over you. Kids are very smart and when you love them so much and only want the best for them th they use this love against you as a weakness. Your husband needs to wake up and stand by you, work together and if you do things stand a better chance of working. Your son needs boundaries, he can't blame you because he has things wrong with him as by what you are doing anyone can see that you care for about him and his future the same as with our daughter. Yes stress is a killer and sometimes its so hard that you want to be anywhere but where you are at the moment but just remember there are people out there that are going through the same ME For SURE but at least my husband backs me up yet still its hard, especially when its yourself that gets the tantrums, here its both of us.

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