how to get my mother to love me

Jessica Lynn - posted on 10/28/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )

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my name is jessica and i am 20 years old. at a young age i was diagnosed with severe tourette syndrome, bipolar disorder, sensory processing disorder, general anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. growing up with my mother and father i was forced to supress my tics. when i could not supress them anymore i would have a tic explosion. my father would beat me every time i had one because he did not understand. i have given up on tyring to make my father understand a long time ago. i dropped out of high school in the 9th grade because the students would make fun of me for my tics. also because i was sexually assulted during the 9th grade as well. the only place i could tic was in school tho because of the consequences i would have if i ticd at home. my older brother was also abused by my father, he started doing hard drugs to cope. he now lives homeless somewhere on the streets and i havent seen him in about a year, i dont even know if he is alive.he was my only sibling and my only friend. my mother and father got devorced a little before i dropped out of school. i decided to go live with my mother after the devorce. when i was 18 my mother kicked me out because i wasent able to hold a job. she told me that i was being lazy. when i was kicked out i had been dating a boy for a few moths and i had nowere else to go but to live him and his mother. their family is very poor and i cant hold a job to make any money so i am stuck. my mother has a good job and alot of money but she is just convinced that it is my choice to be unemployed. and that i can stop ticing. my entire day is filled with 5 hours of ocd routine in the morning and the rest of the day is nothing but tics. then i go to bed, wake up and do it all over again. i need my mothers help so bad because i have nobody else. she refuses to help my tho. i dont know what to do, i cant go on living like this. joining this websight and reading all theese heartfelt posts by mothers makes me sad. i just want my mother to care for me and love me like every other mother does. so if anyone has any advice on how i can help my mother to understand, that would be nice. thank you

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Barbara - posted on 10/30/2012

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Jessica, you have a huge burden on very young shoulders. I am so sorry that you feel your mom doesn't love you. This has to be the hardest thing anyone could cope with at any age. Those of us here in the Circle of Moms may not be your mom, but we can be your substitute mom's for a while until you get your life on the right track. The first thing that you need to do, and I know this will be really hard for anyone to do, but it is the only thing that will give you the help you deserve, is to file with a state or local assistance. You need funds to get your life on track, they can provide you with food stamps, monthly funds for living expenses but more importantly, they can help you get the medication and the medical help you need to address the OCD and Tourettes Syndrome, the bipolar issues.

I know that you can do this and I will be checking back with you. You need to be under the care of a doctor that understands and knows the proper treatment for these major neurological issues.

For now, just until you can obtain the medical and financial assistance you need, I wouldn't contact mom. She obviously has made major choices in her life that weren't in your best interest, or that of your brother. I don't know what city/state you live in, but all 50 states and most major cities have some form of public assistance and you desperately need and deserve those services and support. There are other young people, like you, dealing with these issues and you need to be in a support group, guided by a licensed physician, to help you deal with these major life altering issues. Ask your boyfriend or his mom to help you find the right agency in your area. Your mom has her own issues that you can't influence or control. As a mother of a teenage daughter, I can't imagine not knowing where my daughter is, who she is with or not being there to support her through this traumatic time. PLEASE, contact the Social Services department in the area you live, have someone do it for you if you are unable.

Jessica, I believe in you, I know that you can follow through on this (maybe with a little help),

I pray that you will take this on. This is one area where your OCD can help you, it can propel you to obtain the help that you need and deserve. I will pray for you and I will be checking back later today and tomorrow to hear from you. I can't speak for your mother, but I can only believe that she feels tremendous guilt for some of the things that have happened to you. This kind of guilt can cause people to behave in unacceptable ways, even with their own children. Don't take her behavior or rejection as a reflection of who you are, it is truly a reflection of 'where she is'. You have major hurdles to battle and I want to be there for you as a 'substitute mom' and hope that it will be good enough to get you the help you deserve and need. You need medical assistance, accurate diagnoses, controlled medication prescribed by a physician who completely understands the various syndromes that you are dealing with. A decent physician will also get you into a support group, provide a referral for emotional counseling and involve other physicians and healthcare professionals in your treatment plan. Your first obligation right now is to yourself. Later, when some of these medical issues are being managed correctly, then you can reach out to mom for her involvement. Get the medical help first, then enroll in an adult school course to obtain your GED. PLEASE FOLLOW THROUGH ON THIS, I believe in you, I KNOW you can do this. If you need additional help, find any reputable church in your area and call them. Most churches in our area have referral services that will help people get connected to the city, county or state services they need. I am praying for you.

Barbara

Tracy - posted on 10/30/2012

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Short and simple answer: You can't MAKE your mother love you. There is next to nothing you can do to change how she feels. This has to be her decision and her move to be closer to you.



My advice to you: Do what it takes to get your life together (it may never be a "normal" life, but there are avenues you can take for more independence - such as disability as just one example). Decide what makes YOU happy and chase it with all you have. You will find your own happiness. Best case scenario: Your mother sees your efforts and praises you and loves you and cheers you on. Probable scenario: Your mother will find fault with your choices and it won't be good enough for her. You can then look at your mother and realize that SHE isn't good enough for YOUR happiness. The hurt of your mother will always be there but if you are doing everything you can to make your own life and to be happy, that's all anyone really needs. Her approval won't be so necessary for you.



You are dealing with a lot and I sympathize that you have to deal with so much at any age. Just truly embrace the fact that the only love you truly need to survive is the love you feel for yourself. Anything else is a bonus (AND tends to come to you after you learn to love yourself). The only thing you can control is your reaction. Don't give her power that she doesn't deserve.

Kimberlee - posted on 10/30/2012

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Have you thought about applying for disability ? At least then you would have some income as well as some resources.

I don't know how you could repair the relationship with your Mom . Possibly if you entire into counseling/therapy they might be able to mediate some conversations with your Mom , if she would agree to attend.



Good luck !!!!

Kristin - posted on 10/29/2012

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I agree with Rhonda, you need to figure out what it is you want. At the age of 20 your still young and youjr life is just beginning. Look inot going back to school getting a career, most places will not hire anyone without a grade 12 diploma so work towards getting that. There is online schooling and many ways to do this. Im sure you mother does love you but maybe she wants you to be independent and not lean on anyone. I mhyself make my kids do lots for themselves as I will not always be there to take care of them. I am a strong believer in whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger and you have to make the choices that will be best for you. Also I strongly suggest a good therapist as this will help you immensely. Maybe tell your mom how you feel as well and that you would like her supoprt and guidance in which direction to take your life and that all you want is her approval and love. Unfortunately if your father was abusive your mother may hasve some guilt and self esteem issues herself and maybe she resents being weak to stay with a man who abused his children. For years I struggled to gain my mothers apporval which i never did as she is so wrapped uip in her own misery so i learnt to be strong and make smart choices that make me happy.

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Rhonda - posted on 10/28/2012

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I'm so sorry, Jessica, that you are going through such a difficult time. Here's the truth: nobody can tell you how to make your mother respond to you. What she is saying is that you have to make it on your own now. I know that is hard to swallow, but that is the reality. There are programs that can help you learn skills and techniques to help you find a job better suited for you. I don't know where you live but I'm sure if you look, you can find free services that can help you. It is time, Jessica, whether you like it or not to make a plan to do something different for yourself. I realize that you have challenges, but that's what they are...challenges; not disabilities. You have to let the excuses go and find ways to live with your challanges. This can not be the sum of your life at 20 years old, but only you can change it, not your mother. If you put up the effort to be independent, I'm positive that your mother will see that and respond to it. I also think that some therapy would be a great help, but this is something you can seek for yourself as well. You cannot just give up on yourself and your ability to make changes in your life for yourself. You can make it better, Jessica, you are worth the effort. Please try.

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