How to handle resentment.

Kathrine - posted on 10/11/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I am completely exhausted from our 15 year old daughter. She is the type that once she has a rule or boundary she has to break it to test us. She has no impulse control and has eaten herself to a pre diabetic state. She brings so much drama and conflict we don't enjoy our family life anymore.



She is autistic with bipolar and she has gotten all the medicine and therapy for those conditions that she can. It comes down to just not working with us, compromising, or being respectful of any rules. She constantly causes hurt and turmoil and then blames us when we point out she is violating the problem. She does not react to guilt well--she turns it around on us like somehow we are the ones to blame. She just refuses to meet us half way or to let us try to guide her. She will want to talk to us but then uses it as ploy to get something she wants. I feel victimized and overwrought. My health is starting to suffer. How do let loose of the resentment towards her that I feel?

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User - posted on 10/12/2012

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Thanks for your thoughtful post. I really appreciate it. We may have her medicine adjusted. I am doing some therapy too because I have anxiety issues which are deeply engrained from the childhood I suffered and yeah, I am getting support and help. I contacted her resource teacher and she suggested a behavioral specialist that works through our local school system. The real issue is sometimes financial and what our insurance will cover. I would like to get her into somewhere that specializes in Aspergers. We tried one lady and she did not work out well. Talia just sat there not responding to the therapist and didn't say much. The therapist said it was not doing much good. She is typically Aspergers: high functioning but awkward socially. She sees things only from her perspective. She eats and eats and eats and she is in the process of being tested for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome which has to do with insulin levels and hormones being out of whack. The eating is impulsive just like the breaking of the rules. It's all about what she wants at the moment. I want to find a counselor for her that is able to get something out of her and get her to talk. She tells her friends and her teachers that we are horrible to her when in fact, she has it pretty good. Talia likes to push buttons and hurt us and then when the guilt comes she gets angry. I think you have some great ideas with the sitting down and setting boundaries and rules. Another thing that made me think of is making rules for conflict and working out disagreement. No cussing for example or calling names, etc.



Thanks for the time you took to respond and I can tell you really put some thought into your answer. The one thing I never wanted to do was to work with special ed kids because I just have always known I don't have the patience. Bless your heart for doing what you do. Of course knowing that I don't what it takes to work with sped kids I have one. She takes every atom of patience I have and then some. I get tired of all the conflict and all the drama. Kudos for having what it takes to handle these kinds of kids as career! Anyway thank you for your really well thought out answer. I appreciate it.

Francine956 - posted on 10/12/2012

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I am so sorry to read of your predicament Katherine. You mentioned your daughter has autism with bi-polar. I am assuming she is a high functioning child from what you have mentioned. I work with students who have more moderate/severe disabilities. From your description it sounds as though your daughter knows exactly how to manipulate a given situation. It also sounds as though maybe the mess she is on are not working. Have you been in contact with her physician? You mentioned she has tried therapy, well perhaps it wasn't a good fit. You sometimes have to try several different therapists to find the one that will meet your needs. Sadly, they are not all the same which makes the process even more difficult. But I wouldn't give up because one or two simply haven't worked. Your situation sounds dire and you need to find the right help before it goes any farther in the wrong direction.

A typical teen challenges their boundaries, so this is common. The fact she has eaten herself into a pre diabetic state raises a red flag. If she is not wiling to help herself, then perhaps you can change what types of foods/snacks are available in your home, that she hi don't claim to know or understand exactly what you are going through, but have you tried to talk with her and come up with rules and boundaries that you can both agree on? Perhaps if you make her feel she has a little more control over the situation she will be more responsive, but you have to approach it in a way that does not show you are at your wits end, but rather love and want to work this situation out for the both of you because you love her. She can only turn the guilt onto you if you let her, which most teens are good at doing. But be strong in what you think but not overbearing where you give her no room to feel like what she has to say is not important and don't let her control the situation. I know these strategies may have been tried and may not have worked, but sometimes we need to hear it again from an I judging party.

In order for you to begin to heal lose the resentment feelings you have you need to find help. Have you turned to your local regional center? Her school counselors? Her physician? You need to reach out to as many resources as you can to find the help that it sounds like you both need.

Things will only continue to get worse if you do nothing and that is not fair to either of you.

I hope my insight has helped in some way, I will be praying for your family and this situation.

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