Hurtful Words

Darcey - posted on 10/03/2011 ( 10 moms have responded )

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So, this morning on the daily ride to school my 15 year old daughter told me she can't wait for me to drop dead so she won't have to deal with me any more! Oh, here's the kicker, I will be in a better place. Someone please pull the knife from my heart. I know that she says these things out of anger and doesn't mean them but that does not make them hurt any less. Some days it just takes a little longer to get over it!

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Samantha - posted on 10/09/2011

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Not giving her the satisfaction of becoming angry is always the best response, but if she continues to say things like that I feel you will have to respond. Whether it be telling her that you love her too, or just that you don't appreciate comments like that. Letting her vent is one thing, but letting her continually be hurtful to you is not acceptable. Moms may be a sounding board for their kids, but allowing the disrespect is not helping them become better adults either.

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Janine - posted on 10/22/2011

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I think a trained counselor is the best person to ask for advice, as I believe this was not a one time thing and has happened several times before. You need to figure out what is triggering her responses before you will know what is the appropriate reaction.

Basically, a parent's job is to prepare our children for the next step in life. It is not to be our child's friend and to agree with everything they do and give them everything they want. Of course, there will be times when they rebel and act out as they try to figure out who they are and who they want to become. Again, it is our job to help them become productive members of society.

Best of luck! It is possible for things to get better, much better.

Kim - posted on 10/16/2011

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Darcey, thank you for giving us more information on your daughters conditions.. My brother has ODD...which he is 11 years yonger than I. When speaking to him, it is very obvious of the normal triggers when someone of authority..(me..being the oldest) or (my husband being he head of the household). We can ask him politely if he would please not do this or that, he will promise not to anymore but as soon as we say or do something he doesn't like (anytime we show authority over him) he will immediately do what he promised he wouldn't. In order to get him to understand what needs to change, I had to tell him what ODD was, what it meant for his future relationships not just within our family. It helped exspecially when I let him know what the consquences were if he didn't try harder at changing his thought process. When he ask's for advice I let him know it is my opinion, if he wishes to constructively question, or share his thoughts and feelings on the matter at hand, I in return let him know the consquences of his thoughts/feelings and/or how he feels/wants to react.



This is continued on a day to day basis...He also has ADHD, I do, my husband does, and all of our children. Mine isn't as bad and I feel like all I do somedays is repeat myself all day long about the samething to any that maybe involved at that time. It is very frustrating, my brother isn't on any medication for ADHD or ODD. Which I am working with him to let the doctor know what is going on so we can get him started on some medication and/or therapy. He wants a better life, more peaceful...He too has mentioned about being normal but my question is...what is normal?



Children and ADULTS with ADD/ADHD are above normal in learning ablity if they understand what it is to have it and how it can benefit them if they take their medication properly. When my son was in 6th grade he was tested, advanced... Math level of a 8th grader in the second 9 wks...in Reading the level of a 9th grader in the 3rd nine weeks. He had kids teasing him telling him he was a dummy and taking dummy classes...when I educated him on that he wasn't a dummy and was taught the same material that all kids in his grade are taught but just taught in a different way in his IEP classes.... then him sitting in on his IEP meeting and hearing what level of advancement he was truly in, it changed him completely!!!!! Now...keep in mind they were letting us know his grades were down in both of those classes...but knew he had the ablitity to do better. They asked if we minded if he was retested..if he tested the same or better would we mind him being placed in the Advanced classes, because they feel he is bored and not being challenged enough. He found more selfworth, confidence, and is striving to help others more. Joining more clubs etc.



Children with ADD/ADHD get very frustrated in how to communicate with others...young and old. Most people don't know this but over 90% of our surgeons have ADD/ADHD, Most of our inventors have ADD/ADHD. They are very creative minds and if they are given every chance with medication and education they surpass the NORMAL person...



I kinda like being in the catagory of not being NORMAL, and I'm sure if she is shown her true ablity and given every chance in her education (with IEP classes) you will see a change in her...Which I sometimes wonder if thats part of the ODD...if it's this frustration that brings out the ODD.



There is hope out there and all children are different. I pray that you can sit her down and speak with her about her conditions and that she is the one that can make things better...you can only do so much but it is up to her to take the additional steps she needs to take in order to make her life what she wants it to be. Every choice she makes will reflect later in life, and not only she pays for the choices she makes but her family and loved one's do as well. If she can't choose to take the time to think before she speaks/reacts she needs to understand how the public will view her, and make her pay for her reactions/words once she is independant. When she realizes she is the only one that can make the changes needed, that she will be the one in jail for her actions if she doesn't learn how to deal with them properly before she comes of legal age.



Sometimes Kids think they can continuely blame their parents just because they are the parents.

When she understands the day will come you can't save her and what horrid consquences there are out there awaiting her if she doesn't take the steps she needs to do better herself, she will work harder at the choices she makes.



Does your daughter have an IEP? What type of ADD/ADHD medication is she on? What does her doctor suggest for her ODD? I could use any suggestions you may have that I haven't tried for my brother.



Wish you ane yours the best!

Fiona - posted on 10/10/2011

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Sometimes you hurt the ones most that you love the best! You have a choice here, 15 is not the acceptable age to be talking like this, at 15 she should know better! Is there a dad? Perhaps its time for a little extra parenting from the help of the male.

My daughter would never talk to me like that, but i do see it from others, I am sorry to say it is an accumulation of years of poor communication, this is how she feels deep inside, she is reaching out to you, only doesn't know how - show her it's not too late.....talk to her if you can, let her know you love her and respect her, but that her behaviour is inappropriate and hurtful. Be honest, be yourself if you have to scream, yell or cry with her - let it all out. Good Luck, be strong.

Darcey - posted on 10/10/2011

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Thanks all, the fact is my daughter diagnosed with Aspergers, ADHD, ODD, Sensory, Severe Learning Disorder, has a borderline IQ, so I know she is battling with her own issues. She screamed at me just the other day that she wished she was normal and I don't realize how much she suffers. WOW! I couldn't even begin to show her how much I understand and feel her pain and suffer as much as she does. I just told her how many wonderful things there were to be proud of herself for and to be thankful for and to concentrate on making her peer relationships better and she would feel better about herself. We both had a good cry and about an hour later she laid into me about something else and I was back to I hate you and can't wait till I'm old enough to move the hell away from you forever and you will never ever see me again or my kids. I've learned to really suck in the good moments and try to let the crappy ones drop into the abyss. She knows she is being hurtful but she just does not have that little voice inside her head that says hey maybe I shouldn't say that or do that. Later she will come around and tell me she is sorry she was mean to me if I ignore her for a while.

Donna - posted on 10/06/2011

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ouch! I never have seen totally eye to eye with my mom but I never told her to go die thats just cruel, plus my dad died when I was 17. Do you know why she says such hurtful things? If my daughter said something like that to me I would wanna know why, hormones or not, that is no excuse to talk to your mom like that.

Catherine - posted on 10/06/2011

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ignore her, don't let her see you are upset. It's all said for effect and to get you to react. When I was a little girl my mum used to listen to a song on the radio. I don't know what it was called but there was a line in the that went "YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONE YOU LOVE THE ONE YOU SHOULDN'T HURT AT ALL there was a lot more but then the last line went "SO IF I BROKE YOUR HEART LAST NIGHT IT'S BECAUSE I LOVE YOU MOST OF ALL.



Think of that next time she says something horrible to you and I guarantee it will make you smile, knowing she loves you.



Both my boys are grown up now, but they too said some very hurtful things to me when they were growing up, even the "I wish you were dead" routine. I was lucky in a way because 5 years ago at the age of 48 I had a heart attack (that wasn't lucky i know) but the point I am trying to make is that was the point I realised they would never want me dead and loved me very much. they were 17 and 13 at the time.



As I said - they just say it for attention and reaction.

Kim - posted on 10/05/2011

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Darcey... I'm a little concerned by a hidden message she may be giving you ...when she said "You will be in a better place." At 15 they are very hormonal...but still there might be things going on that she isn't sharing with you. For her to feel all that aren't on earth will be in a better place. Does she exibit depression? Do you have depression?

What children don't realize is when they grow up they usually get paid back for their actions through their own children or relationships.

If you have physical problems that she was attacking...she might want to consider the fact they could be genetic and she could be in your place someday. If this isn't the case and she is just upset that she is having to live by your rules she again will feel the full affect when she raises her own family.

If it is hormones you might consult her doctor and see if there is something that can help lower these reactions. Hopefully something natural.

Once all these thoughts are put into perspective ...remind her for every action there is a reaction...your her mother and you are there to protect her, not to enable her! You are placing the stepping stones for her adult life and she should embace them. Keep your chin up, when children know they are getting the best of you they continue the same pattern.

Put that knife back in the knife block where it belongs.. keep being the mom you need to be, the benefits will come the day she truly becomes an adult!

Christine - posted on 10/04/2011

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I feel you pain, and that is not something I say lightly. I have a teenage son, and somedays he tells me that I don't matter, that he can't wait to leave home, that all he wants is to be away from me and he'd be happy. As you said.. it's something that we know deep deep down that they say out of frustration, anger, stress... whatever it is, it still hurts. I try really hard not to take things personally, but all in all... by the end of some days, I feel like crying and some of those days I do. I came on to this site to see if I was normal, a mom of a "normal" teen... and as I can tell, I am. If you ever wanna vent, talk.. .listen, or be heard.. I'm here.

JuLeah - posted on 10/03/2011

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Yup. Kids need to learn you can have a pain without being a pain.

They can feel whatever big feelings they are feeling - worry about and exam, fight with a friend, person you like didn't ask you to the dance .... but they don't need to take it out on the people around them

Yah, don't take it personally, but do explain to her that words have power. Whats said can't be unsaid. If you cause damage to a relationship with your words, that damage remains.

Some adults don't understand that. There is a person in my life, no longer a friend, who gets angry and says the most hurtful hatefilled things she can think of. When she is no longer angry, she assumes all will be forgotten. If a person fails to forgive they are a small person for holding a grudge.

She will give a half assed 'I'm sorry" if she thinks that might help, but really, if she's done, she assumes everyone else has moved on too

The first time she did this to me was the last. She, to this day, has no idea why we are no longer friends - except of course she thinks I have a lot of growing up to do :)

So, the sooner your kids can learn this lesson the better

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