Husband picks at 16 year old son

Maureen - posted on 08/04/2011 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My husband seems to pick on our son, its always little things (he adopted him when he was 6 years old) our son is 16yrs old, honor roll, boy scout very polite and not disrepectful. ex: today he wanted to lock him of the house because he didn't have his house key and he wanted to teach him a lesson. (later found out my husband gave his key to our neighbor) I'm tired of this pettiness!! He says I'm a pushover. His daughters from the first marriage were cutting class, barely passing grades, smoked dope and drank and were very disrepectful to him and I (he had custody, they are now adults) - our son does none of this and yet its still not good enough for him. It driving me away from him and I dont want that, I love him and want this to work out.

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Carmen - posted on 08/05/2011

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I have a 16 years old son with similar characteristics. Everybody loves him and I am sure my husband too, however, I think he's very gealous of him because he gets as much attention as I give to my husband. We have spoke several time about this situation and it is getting
much better. I do understand you and I wish you very good luck!

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TerriHawaii - posted on 11/09/2012

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My question is how do we sit down and talk to our other half with out getting into an argument about how they treat our children? I love my husband however just because he had it really hard when he was young that doesn't mean that you do the same with the next generation!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/15/2011

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Oh, trust me, Debbie, I understand. That's what we go through at my house at times. Not so much any more...LOL...until last night when the 17 yr old came out and said "I can't find my wallet, I figured you and dad would look for it"...he was being facetious, and had a big grin on his face...Like I said, we actually started acting the same way that they were, not turning off lights, not shutting their doors, leaving the soda or water empty...and they all of a sudden cooperate a lot more :-)

Debbie - posted on 11/14/2011

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Shawn you are probably right about me trying to get my son to do these things. Up until a ccouple years ago he did. But the last couple of years he just figures I will take care of it. I guess the difference is how I say it vs how my husband does. But thanks for making me think about it in a different light. I just tell my son he will be soon 18 and if he thinks Mom will be there forever he is crazy. With a diploma comes a free ride to adult hood. His brothers and sisters had to learn and so does he.As far as my husband I have tried to make him understand if he doesn't scream, my son will respond differently. Thank you Shawn

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/14/2011

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Hmmm...I guess my husband is the exception. He has NEVER felt the need to prove himself in our house, has never displayed any of this bs.

Ask your husband, point blank, what his blasted problem is. You have a child that is doing everything very well, is well mannered, well spoken, and well raised. Ask him if he'd rather the boy followed in the footsteps of his stepsisters, or if the fact that he hasn't done that is making your husband feel that his parenting of his daughters was to blame? Because if that's the case, he needs to back off. Just because he failed with his daughters, and you have succeeded with your son is no reason to regress to high school behavior. If you love him, you'll point out that you certainly don't LIKE him behaving no better than a teenager with a chip on his shoulder.

Now, my husband and I BOTH pick on little things that we have continually asked our kids to do...shutting doors, turning off lights, etc, but that isn't nit picking, it's trying to instill a sense of responsibility. Now, rather than pick, we simply don't do the things that they don't do. If they leave their stereo on, it disappears. If they don't refill the water pitcher, we'll filter enough water for my husband and I, and put the empty pitcher back. That only took one time, now it's always full. So, my question for Debbie would be this: does your hubby pick on things that you've been trying to get the boy to do for his entire life (shutting doors, turning off appliances)? If so, your husband isn't picking, he's frustrated that your 17 yr old still doesn't listen!

But, to Maureen, your husband needs to figure out why he's being such a jerk.

Debbie - posted on 11/13/2011

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it is jealousy. I am in the same boat-son is 17, and my husband also constantly picks at him, or gripes because he left on a tv, didn't close a door, didn't restock the soda. It is non stop, yet when he talks to his friends he brags about how good a soccer player my son is. I constantly tell him to lighten up, but again I am not hard enough on him. If you have a better answer let me know

Kierre - posted on 08/12/2011

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sounds familiar! My husband starts to sound like a 14 yr old bully around my son and his friends. He pushes and pokes at him all the time! it is maddening to me, yea "boys will be Boys" but he is a 40 year old man acting like this!! and my oldest is not his he came into our lives when he was 4 and he is now 14, plus we have 3 children together (2 4 & 6). He says in his defense that he is trying to toughen the boy up so that others don't do it to him in school. My son has not had much trouble at school and is now on the football team, so I do not see any trouble on the horizon ! (fingers crossed) I agree with a prev post about establishing dominance. Who is the Alph Male in the house. The teen is trying to figure out where he is in the food chain and the Husband is trying to stay on Top ! I get that but that does not make us mothers the push over.... these are petty things that out boys are doing and do not warrent all out battle !! keep a stiff upper lip and I will do the same thanks for sharing and letting me vent a bit too :)

Mona - posted on 08/04/2011

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Sounds like your husband could use some counseling to help him figure out why he is jealous of his son or why he is irritated by such a nice young man. He may have some personal "unhappiness" that is causing him to be so irritable with your son. In any case, he needs to come to terms with HIS problem.

Jane - posted on 08/04/2011

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If the neighbor had the key and your husband knew it, then he had no business dogging your son about the key. Are you sure he doesn't have an undiagnosed health problem?

Maureen - posted on 08/04/2011

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I think his problem is that is going thru man-opause, his patience is non-existant and the neighbor needed the key while we went on vacation to care for our pets.

Jane - posted on 08/04/2011

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Sounds like testosterone issues. There is often a lot of jockeying for power in a household with more than one post-pubertal male. You need to get your husband to open up and say what is really bothering him about your son.

And why would your husband give your son's key to the neighbors?

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