I don't like my teenage Daughter whom I love?

Robin - posted on 03/24/2014 ( 9 moms have responded )

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I feel turmoil and guilt because I am beginning to not like my own and only child. My Daughter was such a gift, she came to me after many pregnancy losses and a stillborn Daughter, it took me years to have her and it cost a fortune going to specialists and being a high risk. I was also inseminated with donor sperm it was quite an adventure a rollercoaster of emotions and it was hard work as well. When she was a baby I couldn't get enough of her and as a toddler well she was so beautiful, petite, with a face of an angel big huge blue eyes and her hair grew like no other child her age that I saw at the time so she had long curly locks of blonde hair. She was so good, she shared, she was so loved at preschool because she was the first one to come to the rescue of a child who was hurt or upset. She remained good hearted and gentle and then something changed.
I now find her to be impatient and nasty she's also judgemental of me and get's angry of my shortcomings, she yells at me if for instance I try to show her something and I take to long, she yells at me if I forget to buy something that she asked for sometimes not all the time. I'm sick, almost bedridden as they call it but I call it couch ridden. I don't think she minds that I'm sick because it keeps me home and she likes me home. I still see a bit of that little girl that I adored so much but this other person is taking over more and more lately. The worst of it is that she makes me cry and that is sad. Any comments are welcome as long as you don't try to blame me for anything as I am very sensitive so if you feel that you will want to post something negative about me just please refrain from posting. Thank you

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Penn - posted on 03/31/2014

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I AM KIND OF GOING THRU SAME THING EXCEPT AM NOT SICK MY TEENAGER AS JUST INFORMED ME SHE WANTS TO GO INTO CARE AND IS GOING TO GET HER SCHOOL TO SET HER A SOCIAL WORKER UP COZ SHE DNT WANT TO LIVE WITH ME AND HER DAD WNT HAVE HER WITH HIM

Edel Jane - posted on 03/31/2014

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Oh you poor sod! She's a teenager....nothing to do with you what so ever. I thought aliens had landed at my house and given my daughter a personality transplant when she was fifteen! I swear I didn't know the stranger who was living with me, my beautiful daughter disappeared for a while, the good news...it passes. Go to about teen websites most explain spiking in hormonal changers in boys and girls, I found it very helpful to read more around it, it kind of gave me my power back and hope in horrible times.
She loves you, but she doesn't know her ass from her elbows right now, trying her luck with bad behaviour and boundaries, pushing your buttons. For your part your going to have to keep your strength up, don't get caught up in silly things with her, but when you feel bad or miserable at her hands, tell her calmly. Use soft spoken tones and the real words that fit your emotions, hurt, upset, disappointed while also tell her what's acceptable behaviour and what's not. Also, use positive language, you look good in that today, your hair is lovely and shiny, thank you for clearing up after dinner earlier sweetheart that helps me very much and so on. Even when shes angry or peed off with life your still lovely Mom. Tell her its her first time being a teenager and you'rs as her Mon in the experience of it, talk about hormonal changes with her, PMS, peer pressure and all those things remind her that you too were a teenager at one time. I so hope this helps, get well soon and as I said it passes x Edel

J - posted on 03/28/2014

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Bless your heart. You obviously adore this child, and she is so lucky to have you, but it is time to be strong and realize that this is normal behavior for most teens. It's not about you, it's about her quest to be an independent young woman.
I have read that the only way that one can break the bond between parent and child is by creating a storm and causing some detachment. We as parents usually aren't the ones who want to break the bond, it's them.
The reason is actually quite understandable. Since we, as parents, won't always be with them, they need the self reliance and confidence to leave the nest and venture off on their own, into the world without us by their side.
This is why they (sometimes unknowingly) create conflict and act so hateful at times.
Don't worry, after she gains that confidence on her own, she will likely go back to being that sweet child that you were so close with.
Feel better, and Good luck! ;)

Lily - posted on 03/27/2014

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I really feel the same way about my 17 year old daughter. I love her with all my heart, but I'm really bothered with the way she behaves. I've been struggling with her disrespect & behavior for the past 2-3 years. I finally decided last night to ask her not to return to my home until she is willing to abide by my rules & also mentioned I was not putting up with her disrespect any longer. Even though I am dying inside, not knowing where she's at all the time-I decided i will continue with this plan in hopes it works.

I wish you the best of luck with your daughter, but also encourage you not to let her disrespect you and make you cry...

Lily

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/26/2014

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It is ok to not LIKE your kids. It happens to all of us at one time or another.

My phrase to mine was "I love you very much, and I always will, but I do not LIKE the person that you have become." It usually resulted in a turnaround in behaviour pretty much instantly

Lsusan - posted on 03/25/2014

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I know how you feel. I have a 16 year old dauhgter, almost 17. She yells, takes fits etc......but sometimes she is a joy. I have been told that this the age when mother and daughter don't like each other very much. We are so tight my daughter and I. It has always been just the 2 of us. I have been divorced since she was 5 months old. We have our good, fun moments too. But yes the yelling and slamming doors happens almost everyday. People say it will get better, we'll see. I also think because they are our only ones, we tend to spoil them. I admit I do. She is a smart, beautiful girl and despite all the arguing I can see that she has a good head on her shoulder and will be someone very extra special when she grows up. For now .....................
She called me and is sad because she didn't make dance captain for her senior year. Even though we go through our crazy moments, she turns to me for everything, advice, a shoulder to cry on and money. Good luck to you. and to me.

Denikka - posted on 03/24/2014

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She's a teenager. She's going through hormonal turmoil and that's going to lead to some major emotional upheaval. Teens are trying to find their place in the world and it's tough. They don't know how to cope. It's like the *terrible two's* to a whole other, extreme, level.
That being said, yelling at you for being slow to do something or forgetting to buy something is not acceptable behavior and she needs to be shown this. Remove privileges if she can't treat you with respect.

You don't say how old she is, just that she's a teen, but you also mention that you're sick.
I lived with my grandparents while I was growing up, from about the age of 6. In my teens, I was pretty horrible at times. Now, there was a lot going on and I can point out things that they did that directly related to my behavior, but that's a different issue. I was over all a good kid (no smoking, drinking, partying, etc. Got good grades, stayed out of trouble,) At the time, part of the reason that I treated them badly, mostly picking fights, impatience with them, etc, was because I was TERRIFIED I was going to lose them. They were in their mid-70s. Any sign of their age almost sent me into panic mode. I started shoving them away because I couldn't bear how hard it would be to lose them. It was almost like I was trying to shove them away before they could leave me.
Now, I had no one else. Both my parents chose not to be involved in my life and my uncle and grandparents on the other side were *long distance* relatives. We'd met a couple times, got along okay, they sent cards for holidays. But no real connection there. So if something happened to them, I would be all alone.
I was trying to sever as much of the connection as possible, so it would hurt less when the inevitable happened. I spent years focused on that.
I don't know how sick you are, but that might be part of it. Coming into the real realization of mortality is scary. Thinking about losing people you love is terrifying.
I'm lucky. My grandparents are still around and still going strong. But even now, whenever something comes up that is a reminder that they are aging (mid 80's now), I feel that old panic and almost a sense of resentment for reminding me that they're mortal. It doesn't make sense, but it's how I feel.

Sit down and talk to your daughter. Try to do it often. Don't push, but leave the conversation open to ANYTHING she wants to talk about. Let her lead the conversation where she wants it to go. It'll probably be superficial stuff for a while, then she might surprise you with what she wants to discuss when you leave that door open for her. No subject should be off limits, and she should never be punished for anything that she talks to you about during these times.
Teens need a firm hand. You need to set boundaries just like you did when she was little. Certain actions are unacceptable and should not be tolerated. But she's also growing up and should have a voice.

And just as a side note, she's allowed not to like you. And you're allowed not to like her. But you should both ALWAYS know that you LOVE each other.

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