I feel like a terrible person for feeling this way...

Nancy - posted on 04/13/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I am a single mother of a 13 year old girl. I am also well educated and in a professional career. Like most mothers, I thought my daughter was brilliantly smart right from the get go! She learned quickly and spoke at a very early age. She has done well in school for the most part but she has struggled with organization and attention. Looking back, I am certain that I was or, rather am ADD myself. She has a unique opportunity to attend a private prep school because her paternal grandmother works there and was able to get her in at a drastically reduced rate. I though she would thrive with the small class sizes and individual attention. She has had some struggles, as I have mentioned in earlier posts. While the ADD was a definite hindrance, it was decided to test her for learning disabilities. I hated to do this, I had thought she would be a brilliant student and the label of "special needs" was upsetting.. (this is terribly hypocritical as I teach special ed!!). But, it is what it is.. I thought that once her school saw how intelligent she really is and what her potential could be, they would be more willing to accommodate her ADD. So, I got the test score today and I was shocked by her IQ score of 99!!! I know she is not a genius but she has always come across as highly intelligent. In fact, her piano teacher described her as "brilliant!". Now I feel sick! I realize hat her score is well within the average range, so there are no concerns there but prep school students are usually well above average. I feel like I need to re-think my dreams for her future or, worse, have her re-think them! I am so upset I can't eat and I feel like a terrible mother for not just accepting it.. I come from a family that strongly values educational achievement.. I am so upset and the disappointment is just overwhelming!! I feel like a lousy mother who is not accepting her "as is" and the guilt is also overwhelming!!! I love her completely and I want so badly for her to have success - this makes me feel guilty because I should not be feeling like her chances of success are diminished - but, are they???? I could really use some support! Any thoughts? Similar experiences?? Thanks....

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Minna - posted on 04/23/2013

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Will she feel like a failure or will she feel like she's disappointed you? She may feel relieved to go somewhere where she can prosper.
Her IQ is adequate for most things in life, even becoming a Dr. , if SHE wants to. I'm sure you know that a lot of success in secondary education depends on hard work.
I kind of think that it's sad that parents get so wrapped up in comparing numbers that they really don't relax and just enjoy their kids.
Have a little faith in her, and concentrate on the great things about her, and she'll be fine.
Just an observation, but the few prep school kids I know run the gamut in intelligence, but they do have wealthy parents and better than average access to drugs. Minna

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Valerie - posted on 04/14/2013

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No, I said that wrong. I know the whole thing is not that simple. I meant her diagnosis. I was in denial for years after my daughter got her diagnosis. I had to make myself accept it and then use it to her advantage and boy oh boy was that hard. I did not mean to offend and I know you can't just get over something like this. Use it. God has a plan for her and I know it is a fabulous one. I am praying for you.

Nancy - posted on 04/14/2013

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Valerie-- I wish it were as simple as just "getting over it" but it's not. She attends a school of all bright, above-average kids. I thought she was in the right place and once we got past the ADD she would prosper. Now, I feel like, if I pull her out of the school, her self-esteem will be destroyed and she'll feel like a failure and, yet, if she stays there, the same thing will happen - just for different reasons!! And, it is not just matter of her not being brilliant, college education is important to me and I want to be certain that it will happen for her.

Valerie - posted on 04/13/2013

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I only pray God gives me the right words to help. All I can think to say is "get over it". All parents think that their kid is very smart and above average. Your dd is normal. She will do what she is raised to do. She is not dumb by any means . I have 2 out of 3 special needs children one of them very special and all will do something beyond high school. She will do what she is capable and more as long as you have taught her to go for it. If you gave her a good foundation she will prosper and become what God wants her to be. Leave it in His hands.

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