I HAD TO KICK MY 20 YEAR OLD SON OUT, I CAN'T STOP CRYING AND I FEEL HORRIBLE.

Tammy - posted on 06/07/2013 ( 33 moms have responded )

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Hello beautiful mothers, I just discovered this site today and I need help. I have had problems with my son since he was 16 years old. His father is absent in our lives and I have done the best that I can raising him. I work full time, and go to school 2 nights a week working on my masters degree. My 20 years old son, dropped out of school his senior year and constantly disrepects me. Currently he is not working and is not in school. Every job he has worked on has fired him for one reason or another. I love my son and pray for him everyday, also I have a 14 year old daughter that lives with us. Let me cut the chase and tell you my story. My son sleeps on my sofa, hangs out and comes in waking me up between 1 to 4 am which causes me to be sleepy at work and can barely function. I always open the door for him because he has no where else to go. My chest is hurting right now, I am not looking for sympathy but want to know if I did the right thing by kicking him out. He has a car that I paid cash for and I pay the insurance on it for him, so that he can find a job or enroll in school, he says he can't find a job and he refuses to work in restaurant.

He has started stealing from me. This year along, he has stolen 2 flat screen tvs, 2 lap tops, a dvd/vhs player. He also stole his sisters I-phone and sold it to get gasoline and put tires on his vehicle. He does this because I stopped giving him my hard earned money when I found out he was constantly lying to me. He is a abled body and I feel he should work. I have problems with my ex-husband (his dad) but I never tell him that he gets some of his ways from his day. I do fuss at him a lot becasue of being disapointment, he says that all I do is criticism him, maybe I do but everyting I say is true and its only things like, have you looked for employment. I stole the last TV (42inc) because he asked me for $5 and I told him that I did not have it and that he needed to get off his **** and get a job or enroll in school, and I told him he had 2 months or I was moving and he was not going to know where I moved to. I know that was cruel but I was trying to scare him into to doing something other than sleeping on my sofa all day.

In January he did have a job at a call center for a month and half, making $500 to $600 every two weeks, he would not give me anything and was asking me for money the next few days, and started stealing the goods out the house. When my stuff kept coming up mising, my siblings says that he probably took them to a pawn shop. Forgot this one, when I make him made he throws and break up things in the house, lamps anything he can get his hand on, memorial day, I would not let him get in the house and he turned over my bbq pit, and it had meat on it that I had to throw away and a few days later, I still let him back in the house becuase I love him. I THINK I AM SCARED OF HIM. Anytime I don't let him in he breaks a window and get in when I am at work.. I have not called the cops because I don't want him to go to jail. Sometimes I feel that I was a bad mother because when he started abusing my rules in high school I should have sent him away, but I thought that was not goign to solve anytihing.

My daughter is angry because she feel that he should not be living with us. I do not know whats going to happen to him now because my parents say he cannot live with them. He has several friends but they live with their parents and he cannot stay there. Please give me your honest opinion, I sometimes wonder if he has a mental problem, but he is very intelligent. I can never help him because he does nothing I say. His last care was in my name and he had two wrecks that was his fault, glad the insurance company did not drop me, but I made sure that the care he has now is in his name only. He contributes nothing to the house, he never cleans up, just hangs out all day, comes home to eat and wash his clothing, and sleep. SO WHY DO I FEEL BADLY. He does not have keys , but I just found out that whenever I would lock the house up, he was leaving windows open to make entrance.. He does not have girlfirend to move in with nor any relatives. Please tell me if I did the right thing, I want to help him but I cannot trust him in my house, Oh and we found out that he has been selling my daughters clothing to a cosginment store to get money. SORRY SO LONG, BUT I AM HURTING.

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Lisa - posted on 06/07/2013

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Hi Tammy
First let me say that you have a right to hurt because you are being abused. What your son is doing to you is abuse. With parents that are victims they often let their children control the house not knowing that they are doing so. It gradually gets worse from adolescents on and slowly parents begin to ask their child permission for things such as letting them even ask questions (the parents that is). Your child has what is called rage, often associated with ADHD, but can occur on it's own. There is nothing that you can do to change him because he is an adult and being arrested may be his fate in life. Look at your morals and values in life and what kind of role model you are, that is where you need to keep your focus. It is his job to make productive, compassionate decisions for himself, not yours. You can not control him nor can you help him by letting him live with you. By doing so you are enabling him to do more damage and you are letting yourself fall down. So be strong and the following advice will help...
First, pray and keep God center of your and your daughters life the saying "Families that pray together stay together" is very true. Together you will be stronger than apart.
Second, set your boundaries, what you are willing to accept, not put up with, but accept and stick to them. So an example would be, your son is not allowed in your house at all while no one is there, ever. He has moved out or will be moved out and will have to figure his life out for himself. Where he lives is not your concern, your concern is keeping you and your daughter safe. He broke that bond when he repeatedly stole and threatened you with force. You will need to repeat to yourself that his problems are not yours to own.
Third, find a support group for you and your daughter to attend. You both will need some recovery and healing time, you will also need some time to rediscover a new life that is safe and healthy for you and her.
I not only am a professional, but I have experienced similar situations with our now adult son. Interesting enough, rage is not bias, therefore whether you are married or not rage does not care. It is an emotion that a child develops as a means of getting what they want and if they carry it with them they can end up in trouble. I did not raise my son to be like this, nor did my husband. We have a great loving family with four more children at home and we are at peace. Do not blame yourself, that would be giving yourself too much control in believing that you can control his personality or emotions. That is his job! Good luck and stay strong!
Lisa

Christina - posted on 08/24/2015

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I had this same problem with one of my sons, Stealing things from the house, breaking windows, T.V.,The last time he was trying to break into my house, I happened to come home in time to stop him, I told him I had had enough, and since he was 18 and did not want to live under my rules he could move out, but that if he thought couch surfing was going to be fun, he had another think coming, as there was no parent that was going to put up with his attitude. For 6 months I didn't know where he was or what he was doing, then one day I came from work and he was sitting outside waiting for me. He asked to move back home, I told him the rules have not changed, and if he could live with them we was welcome, as he was my son, and I loved him. I would not always agree with him or his decision, but my love would not waiver. He wanted to go to collage and wanted me to pay for it, we made the arrangement that he would pay his tuition and books, and I would pay room and board. I wanted him to be invested in his education. I am VERY happy to say that 4 years later we have a great relationship that has morphed into a semi friendship, but he also knows that I am mom and in my house I always have the last word. He has one more year of college, (studying to be an interpreter for the Deaf). Per our arrangement, I see all transcripts. Keep the faith, and stand your ground.

Maria San - posted on 06/07/2013

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Tammy, you did the right thing and now it is really important that you stick with it. Your son is a grown man now and it is not good for him or you or your daughter for you to let him take advantage of you and your home. It does hurt as a mother, but you are enabling him. As long as you allow it to continue, he will have no motivation to take care of himself. If I were you, I would make it clear to him that he no longer lives there and if he steals anything else from you, you will call the police. Lisa is right, you are being abused and you must put a stop to it. You cannot let feelings of worry or being scared stand in your way. Just know that making him leave is the right thing to do for him, for yourself, and for your daughter. He will figure it out. Here is a link to an article that might help you. http://www.empoweringparents.com/Rules-B...

Joan - posted on 07/27/2015

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I am doing the same thing here. My husband (his dad) said he is sleeping in our backyard under a tarp. I pray every day he is safe and finds happiness. It is my biggest fear I will never see him again! I look at his pictures on the wall and just crumble. This is pain beyond words.

Melanie - posted on 10/24/2014

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I had to take a hard stand with my son a few years back and have him arrested for drug possession as he stole a lot from me and was growing pot in my home. He was seventeen. He has been in and out of various treatment programs. He is doing better but still no job and not going to school and is not doing anytbing. You did the right thing. Tell him if he steals from you or your family or breaks in again you will call the police. He will never respect you if you do not stand up for yourself. Then be sure you follow through. Change locks and lock windows and if he breaks a window have him arrested. First talk with your local police dept to let them know what is going on in your home. You have got to protect your daughter. If he gets arrestedbthe courts can force him to get mental health care. Also sorry but he is probably using drugs if he is selling all that and behaving this way. If he is using then you need to get help to stop enabling. I know how hard this.is I have had to do it.

33 Comments

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Deannalumpe - posted on 06/24/2017

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Hi Sylvia,
Me too. Same situation basically. No drugs ,alcohol or stealing. But doesn't contribute to the household. I pay his insurance and phone. He destroys the house when he is angry. He is verbally abusive to me and his girlfriend. I am scared for her. He will be away a little more this yearJunior year of college but still home alot. His school is only a few hours away. I need help for myself but almost afraid to talk to a professional because they might be obligated to report him. I am feeling like the best idea is to change the locks if he isn't willing to get help for himself.

Sylvia - posted on 09/22/2016

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Hi Tammy,
I know this is an old posting - however I face the very same issues as yours.
How is the situation today and did your initial approach work?
Regards,
Frustrated Mom :(

Robin - posted on 02/16/2016

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yes he has a problem. he is just like my son. you may have to do tough love on him. cant you ship him to his parents house. my son drug dealer friend thew him out and accused him of stealing pot. He sounds like my son. He will continue to rip you off. can you put up a camera like a hidden smoke detector camera off the internet and catch him stealing . when we go on vacation I am gonna put some of those up. I am tired of the theft. put some hidden cameras up. try to ship him to the service, job corbs, his friends, relatives or his dads. keep praying about it.

Robin - posted on 02/16/2016

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My 23 year old son also did the same thing. we fought for years. He finally moved out after stealing thousands of dollars. and his friends the pot heads ripped me off. they are gone. he finally went to his fathers house lying to him about not stealing . from me. well his dad smokes pot. so he is happy. they live in a little apartment. with roaches and hardly any heat in Kansas and smoke pot. I know how you feel . I pray every day about this. I will also pray for you. just keep praying my son ripped me off for years. I could not get rid of him. next time I will call the cops I am tired of all this . you may have to also.

Kelly - posted on 12/20/2015

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Yes, you did the right thing !!
Tough Love is TOUGH !!!!
These kids today,?the very young adult childrrn ( 17- 23) are disrespectful, lazy,
They will tell you, they are grown and mind your own business ~ and asking for money.
Ridiculous..... We ( parents ) must have rules !!! It's the way life is. There are rules for a job. If a child chooses not to obey the rules at a workplace, there are consequences. Write ups... So many Termination. Suspension with no pay.
Etc.... Its our job as a parent to raise our children hoping they will understand these simple rules of life. The biggest problem I see even in my own home with my Husband and our youngest (20) the psrents want & worry about being their child's friend instead of a PARENT !!!!!
You made the right choice, it's up to your Son now to figure out what he wants & the kind of life he wants. It's a automatic survival to swim and NOT sink. Your Son might be a couch hopper for awhile and it most likely will take awhile for your Son to understand it is his life and he needs to be responsible for his actions as well as his choices!'n Enjoy your life, enjoy the peace & quiet. I know for a fact~ you most likely feel guilty, at the same time you are thinking how wonderful & peaceful your lovely home is, without his BS..,Right??
My story is a little different. I want to give my 20 Year old her walking papers !!!!!!
My husband of 24 years just doesn't see anything. It has ruined our marriage. I can't beleive he would pick a 20 yr old who has zero tespect for me ( especially) her dad, herself. Honestly she is a MESS. The only 1 positive is she went to school to become a Medical Assistant and she is externing currently. She probsbly has a week or two than she's finished and will most likely get hired on permanently!!! I think it's a perfect time to give her the boot.
She is violent with me, she curses at me everyday. I have 3 children my oldest is just about 31, a Daughter who is 27 and than the baby of the fdmily who is 20.
10 yrs apart from the oldest to the youngest. I have 3 beautiful Granddaughters 6,4 and 7 months💗💗💗
I just was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.
I have Chemo once a week, Surgeries in May sometime(?) Double Masectomy & full hysterectomy!!!!
I am busy saving my life with a positive attitude and people who love & support me during this difficult time.
I just cannot deal with my Daughter anylonger. I thought that my illness would mske her nicer, more helpful, more loving
No, Nope & No !!!!!!! It's crazy !!!!!!
She gets mad at me and wishes me dead.
Anyways~ I will figure out how to get her out or I will have to move out.
I want to end this with ....,
You are doing the right thing at 100% !!!!
You do not need this kind of stress from your Son who knows better, because you raised him right. You gave him the tools for a happy & productive life. It's up to him now. Hopegullyat the end of our parenting years, we will be friends with our children.
That's all that's left after our parenting years.
All the luck to you~~ BE STRONG !!!!!
May you have a blessed Christmas and enjoy the magic.
Lean on your friends & family.... Get the support & Love you need to continue to be STRONG. Hod bless all us. Moms.

Kmj1103 - posted on 11/28/2015

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I know this is going to be an extremely long post but I desperately need to know that what I've done is what was necessary and somehow life will be okay again! 24 hours ago I kicked my 22 year old son out. I'm not claiming to be the perfect mom but I just couldn't handle things for one more day.
My son was 10 when his dad packed a bag and left. He saw the kids a reasonable amount of time. A year after our divorce I was offered a promotion but it required I move. I sent my then 6 year old daughter and 11 year old son back numerous times a year to see their dad at my expense. In 11+ years I think he's been here 5 times to see them. He didn't pay a dime of child support and I signed off on that until 2011. When my son graduated from 8th grade his dad and paternal grandmother stayed at our house and my fiancé left so no one felt awkward. I was allowed no pictures with my son...he refused to allow me in pictures but the rest of the family was in many pictures. He went to dinner with his dad and his paternal grandmother. His Junior year comes and his girlfriend who is a senior becomes pregnant. My fiancé and I were pretty sure this would happen because she didn't want to go to college and her family history. I was allowed to be involved in none of his senior year activities...no homecoming or prom pictures but of course they wanted money to which I said no. We were originally not going to be allowed at the hospital for the babies birth but at the last minute his sister and I were allowed to be there but it was extremely awkward and we were treated like out casts. We left shortly after she was born, but did go back up the next day to see her. They went home and the mom and baby lived with her family and my son lived here. He wanted to start dropping classes with no explanation and I was supposed to sign the drop requests but refused. He came at me physically and my fiancé jumped in...major physical fight ensued and I told them both to go to their rooms. My son broke his bedroom window and ran away...that was in Feb. when he graduated in May I was again allowed no picture and didn't get to be part of the celebration. I had agreed to help with college as I had money set aside. He didn't go to school until the baby's mom's told him to go to the state his dad lived in and go to school. He and I talked and I agreed to help with school so he could support himself and his daughter. That lasted for less than 90 days and he asked to move back here because he wasn't seeing his daughter and missed her supposedly...truth was dad wouldn't help getting m. He moved back here and the mom was withholding visitation. He filed a lawsuit but the mom talked him out of it and for the 1st time in 18 months we saw our granddaughter again. Learned quickly it was because she needed help with babysitting but I didn't care I wanted to see her! She's spent more time with my 17 year old and I over the past 2 years than anyone. I paid for her to be in daycare and bought clothes and do much more for her. My sone switched degrees yet again and quit his job so I babysat and paid the mom "child support " until she decided to quit her job and do nothing but had me keeping my granddaughter all the time. She filed paperwork with courts which was expected and I have my son money to hire an attorney and try to help him establish formal visitation, etc. I then became bad guy with the mom. My son has shown no respect or appreciation and family saw how he treats me over thanksgiving and I was done. I kicked him out. Now I'm being told I won't see my granddaughter again...remember I've raised her basically the past 2 years....I packed my sons stuff and put on porch when he was coming to get it. I don't miss him or the verbal and emotional abuse he's put me through but it does hurt not to be able to see my granddaughter! There is do much more I didn't go into here but I've depleted my savings trying to make sure he has some sort of future and am treated like shit! Every one is telling me I'm doing what is right but somehow it feels wrong! Vice been advised to get a restraining order so he stays away from the house but don't know what to do! Any advice is greatly appreciated!

Bran - posted on 09/16/2015

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I kicked my 22 year old son out tonight! He dropped out of college, smokes pot, has friends over while I'm at work eating up all my damn food oh and he has a new 3 week old daughter. He's a bum, has no goals and has even called me a "money hungry bitch" because I've asked him for rent. He doesn't wash his clothes or help around the house and he expects me to take him to his probation office appointments. I have 2 other teens in the house and feel like a poison has been set free since I put his clothes outside. I feel bad but hey he has to man up and be a father to his child and stop mooching off of me. Life is short and I'm trying to live the second half of my life in peace. Good riddance........

Mariadefalco9 - posted on 09/12/2015

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Its me again he's gotten me to this point of putting he's car license to cops cause he never wants to help me, and I know he's gone wild how do I cope

Mariadefalco9 - posted on 09/12/2015

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Tammy how you copeing with your 20. I just asked mine for a ride he said noooo it does hurt

Susan - posted on 09/02/2015

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Nice to see a recent response here. This is my first time on this site. I just kicked my son out last night! I'm reluctant to go to court to file the necessary papaers to make it official. I've always been reluctant to kick him out. My son is on the autistic spectrum and is only 19. He's never lived on his own and really doesn't have the skills. I have believed that kicking him out would be inhuman and something I could not do as a mother. However, as I spoke to his therapist (on a crisis hotline) and the police who were subsequently called, what's been going on isn't working. I have to do something different. One officer told me that a couple of weeks on the street might do him good. I'm not so sure about that. But he is violent and abusive to me and allowing him to get away with that behavior is almost a form of abuse itself. There are no answers. I don't know how long I will be able to keep him out. He is staying with a family member a mile away, at least that's what he did last night. He has regional center services at his disposal but has refused to live in a group home. Time will tell...

Mariaigle78 - posted on 08/23/2015

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Im soo glad i read this. I felt alone and miserable. I just kicked my son out for the 3 time but this is definate. Im done with all the behaviour. But I feel doo bad at the same time. : ( . He can't anywhere because of how he behaves. The last straw was he got caught drug dealing online by my brother . Who was trying to help him out too. I don't where I failed. He has done everything in the books to push to this decision.

Anna - posted on 07/18/2015

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How are things now? Any better? We tried having our son removed from house as well...many bad stories... Marijuana involved, cursing at me..etc., nothing seems to work. He comes back to our home each time. He is 20. Hospital sends him home stating he is normal. This world is going mad. I believe its unjust madness and nothing nice and all things lovely have no more sacredness and is driving these teens and young adults and even young men and women crazy. They have to find outlets to vent or validate. I can go on and on but the post would always end with: people need grace of God back into this life.

Dawn - posted on 06/11/2015

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I am so glad we are not alone. Similar stories but 4 days ago we had to put my newly 18 yr old son out after he went back to his old ways and we were scared and couldn't take anymore.
Spent the last 5 years picking up the pieces but no more as its killing us and his brothers.
But I feel so bad at the thought of him having no money and food and being homeless but he'd just drink the money or use it for other stuff as I'm assuming he's back to drugs again as well as the lying and aggression.
This is hell just crying myself to sleep and not eating or doing anything.i feel so bad at what I've done and it's killing me
Dawn

Donna - posted on 04/12/2015

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You absolutely did the right thing. I just went through a similar situation with my 20 year old son and of course wondered if I was doing the right thing. The truth is I should have kicked him out long ago, but I tried to protect & baby him. It was the wrong thing. I'm hoping that now he will have the chance to mature, but if he continues to make the wrong choices, I know it's on him not me.

Martha - posted on 02/05/2015

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Tammy. I know the heartbreak that can come from someone we love. I will pray for your family. I would encourage him to find something he loves that will give him a goal.

Tammy - posted on 02/03/2015

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My name is Tammy, and the above post is also my story, with a few exceptions. My son is 18 and a Senior in HS. He's been diagnosed with ADHD since age 5 and has been in constant trouble at school. He has an IEP and BIP, but it's still a daily struggle. I was a single Mom for 13 years raising twin boy's, both of whom have ADHD. When my son was in the 8th grade he was admitted into an adolescent psychiatric facility because his behavior was out of control. It was an fruitless attempt to get his meds regulated, teach appropriate social skills, and how to deal with consequences, which he never responses to appropriately, or reasonably. He also attended school while there. He was there for 3 months and when he came home he seemed like a different child, even the school noticed a marked difference. However, after one month he visited his father, who is an alcoholic and also exhibits inappropriate and criminal behaviors. When he came home after just 3 days with his father, he was right back to the same behavior at home and school. I decided he had to go live with his father, as his father encouraged disrespectful behavior towards me and I was just too tired of giving my son all my energy and taking away attention from the other children. It broke my heart, but I felt I had no choice. The Dr's agreed. Fast forward, he lived with his Dad for 2 years and pretty much was on his own in school and at home. His father was drunk from sun up, to sun down. I re-married and moved to a different school district. My son called begging to come back and live with me and his twin brother. He assured me he had made some changes and said he just wanted a "Normal" home life. Well, I let him come home after talking with my husband. Once again, he seemed like a changed young man and I was happy to have my son home. He had failed 3 classes at his previous school and we immediately enrolled him in summer school to catch up. He was actually happy to go to summer school and gave us no problems at all! He passed with flying colors! Once the regular school year started it was a different story. He started getting into trouble in school, refusing to do work and skipping classes. He even was kicked out of baseball and not allowed on the team because of his behavior in his core classes. He wasn't a problem in his sports classes and the Coaches actually liked him, but his behavior outside of sports was not acceptable. He just doesn't understand the concept of consequences! He's now 18 and about to graduate. Got fired from his job 8 months ago, still doesn't have a job, nor does he willingly look for one. He's disrespectful, and steals from us. My husband is at his wits end and says once he graduates he has to leave. I agree, but just like Tammy, my son doesn't really have anywhere to go. I've talked to him and told him once he graduates he will have to go back to his Dad's and he just says he's not doing that. He starts with the guilt trip and how its my fault he's like he is, he says, after all "You married my Dad!" I'm so sad that I can't help him, and he just refuses to help himself. I am curious at the outcome of Tammy's story and how her son is doing. Thanks for reading this post, and any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Mike - posted on 12/25/2014

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my son is not using drugs. however he is on his own, lives in his own apartment . i gave him monthly allowance (1200 a month).i thought i was paying his tuition for 3 years in the university. lately i discovered that he was lying to me,he is not in school as he stated. i spend on him more than a $$100,000 .he abused me very bad. i am sad depressed and cant talk to him.
miserable father

Noelle - posted on 06/15/2014

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How comforting to know we're not the only ones going through this. Never wanted to be a part of this 'club', but here we are. Kicked our 19 year old son out twice this past week - made a set of hard and fast rules and one violation meant he was out - he was home less than 24 hours and was lying and manipulating us. I actually believed him and drove him to see if he could get a job, but he really was pawning something he stole from his girlfriend, and then had me drive him to a car wash where he was going to talk to the 'manager', but it turned out it was his drug dealer. Told him to go as soon as I found out. He of course blames us - as much as my heart breaks, I vacillate between sadness and anger at his choices. He's had counseling, drug testing, good jobs, good schooling and this is what he does with it. Hard to accept, but he will NOT dictate how the rest of us live in our home. My husband is having a harder time than I am about kicking him out. I guess I've become numb to the lying, manipulating and stealing. He's told lies to people about supporting the family, how his dad has cancer (he had cancer last year-in remission now) and he has to help support us - all lies. He doesn't even pay his cell phone bill and doesn't work. Has scammed everyone he knows out of money and stolen from friends and from stores. Jail will be the only thing that may stop him. I wait for the call from the hospital or the police. I'm bracing for it. He is not the son we knew, but has had problems since the age of 11-12. Trying to change someone's temperament is not something you can do - getting them help with ADHD medications sometimes only serves to start the risky cycle of addiction, which it did with our son. He was selling his Ritalin in 11th grade, was expelled from Catholic school, I home schooled him for the rest of his junior year and he went to public school for his senior year, where he was suspended and in trouble all the time. BUT - if you spoke to him, he has it all figured out - he's not going to get kicked out of school, not going to get arrested (already has for a DUI), not going to become a drug addict (his last drug test showed four different drugs in his system) and not going to be homeless (he is as far as we know-no one willing to take in a liar/thief/drug addict) - we just don't understand him. How can a person live this way? It's his choice, but it's still hurtful. Cutting him loose brings relief and pain.

Tracey - posted on 01/18/2014

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Hi Tammy, I can feel your hurt and pain, it is only natural to feel the way you do. I have had issues with my son since he was 18 and now he is 26. If they do not change then it just continues to get worse. I had to finally kick my son out of the house not because he stole from us, not because of the drug use, well it is because of the drug use. After years and years of using it made him into a person, a stranger that I didnt even know. He started being disrepectful and threatening my husbands life and started calling me all sorts of names. Tough love is very hard for us because my parents did everything for me and I was grateful I thought the same would work for my child but it just made him entitled and rude and disrepectful. I know it has been 6 mths for you I hope things have gotten better for you. i have learned I can't make them want to change, but I can make sure there choices don't effect my life. I was a drug user and I have worked hard to have a life with no drugs. And he has brought them into my life for over 8 years and I'm ready to get off of this ride he wants to ride. I have kicked him out and he is homeless and hates us for and blames us for it. That is what I expected I just pray and read alot of books and go to Nar-Anon meetings everything helps. It really helps to understand him, because I still love him very much and want the best for him. But bottom line he must want the best for him.. Don't beat yourself up these are his choices not yours. You deserve and need to be happy and healthy for your daughter. And in the long run that is what will help your son - Best of luck and God Bless - I am currently reading "Don't let our kids kill you" by Charles rubin - It is awesome I have read it twice. - Please pray for me because my son keeps coming home to take showers and each time the violence is escalating - I told him since he isnt being respectful he isn't welcome her to take showers anymore. His reply was I'll be back tomorrow, quit being a bitch. Got to love those addicts, it helps me to say that because he isn't my son right now and I pray one day I will have my loving son back. I'm glad I am not alone - I will pray for all of us.

A - posted on 01/11/2014

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I am currently dealing with the same thing. My son was diagnosed with ADHD in the 4th grade. Tried the diet thing and never helped. Put him on concerta time released capsule which helped tremendously. By his 10 grade year, he no longer wanted to take meds. His grades weren't so well. His room was like a hoarders room with old food and trash under his bed. He would complain that this his his room and why cant he keep it how he wants. I said move out pay your own rent and then you can. I have noticed some things missing. Like a diamond ring that was in my jewelry box, my husband takes his wedding ring off at night and that came up missing, my laptop suddenly disappeared, and the only thing he fessed up to was stealing $100 from my bank account. He said it was to buy "the day after pill for his girlfriend. He is 21 now, still living at home. Has had 2 jobs since age 16. With both jobs combined that adds up to 3 months of work experience. I have enabled him enough. Then he and his 20 yr old girlfriend which had no job either and lives at home with her mom planned a pregnancy. Omg....i was enraged but whats done is done. Once the baby was born, they moved in her mothers house for first two months because her mom stated that he could only stay for 2 months. Once the time was up, she said ok time to move back to your moms. He can home with her and baby saying they all got kicked out. I was like, " i know that mother she would never kick her daughter and grand-baby out. They told me all kinds of lies. I let the 3 of them stay in his little room. They knew I told them that they both need to work part time obviously different hours so someone could watch the baby. So, she got a job supposedly at a retail store. Her hours were 6:00 pm- 2:00 am. They had a car but she had no license so he had to take her to work and pick her up. I didn't want him taking baby in the middle of the night so i agreed to watch baby while he went to pick her up. I got tired of that because i get up at 5:30 am for my job and was losing so much sleep. I asked for one of them to get a day job. Plus, i was wondering what retail job is open those hours (come to find out in the end she was stripping) She told me she stocked. Ok. So she stopped going to work after a month. She said they haven't been scheduling her as much. My husband and i would work 40 hours a week and come hm every day to a messy kitchen and their bedroom was filthy. They'd leave one at a time to get high on marijuana. baby's clothes in diaper bag smelled like smoke so does carseat because they smoke in car, but they say never when baby is in car. I told them that it is not ok to do that. they then said its only weed.... really!? You couldn't tell what pile of clothes were clean or dirty on the bedroom floor. Old food and trash under bed....babys diaper full when i get home and not bathed everyday so id take initiative and do it. Then one day i went off. You guys are slobs, get off your butts and do something. I said that i was tired of coming hm to them playing video games while baby just sites there....hardly any interaction with baby. An argument came about. His girlfriend got sassy with me and dint like my rules or what i was saying and how i am in their business all the time. I walked away. She called me a bitch. I said what did you say. She ran up to me like she wanted to fight. I said you need to leave for the night and cool off... She left calling me a bitch over and over and then said that she is going to f&@*# me up. My son never defended me. I said you are never welcomed back. My six yr old daughter was upstairs. I went to comfort her. My son said mom come talk to me as he was in tears. I said once you go take your girlfriend home and out of my neighborhood making a scene i will talk. I need to take care of your 6 yr old sister who's crying and terrified right now. He said you love her (his sister ) more than me. He left and they made such a scene my neighbors came out. I was so embarrassed. Come to find out they were kicked out of his girlfriends house 2 months prior to living with me for the same reason and same arguing and cursing was told to her mom. Now they are on the streets. In their car with no insurance and registration is expired. Baby stays with other grandma at night most the time. Baby stayed with my mom the other night and the whole next day. She said my son was so skinny and his eyes were bulging out. He refuses to return my calls or texts. I am worried for his well being and safety. The other grandma watches the baby every might so i thought. What and where can they go with the baby during the day? The other grandma said that my son was kicked out not her daughter and baby. I said the same thing that i kicked her daughter out not my son and grand-baby. They both have somewhere to go but they say they don't want to live apart from each other. How selfish to do this to a baby they planned to keep. I am confused...begging him to come home. He refuses to.... What should I do? If it wasn't for the baby i would be fine with tough love but with my grand-baby involved, i need him back at home. Do i call CPS on my son??? PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Dona - posted on 09/20/2013

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You cannot allow him to steal anything period ever!!! You are enabling him to be a disaster.He needs to flap his wings and fly right.probally buying drugs.You have to save your other children. They will mirror the same behavior.He's got to go!!!!

Deanna - posted on 06/14/2013

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There comes a time for a parent where there is nothing else we can do. He may have no place else to go to, but you did the right thing. I hope you changed the locks so he can't come back. You feel badly because you are his Mother. And kicking him out is a last resort. You and your daughter deserve better than to be scared of him, not trust him, support someone who refuses to even try.

This may be the kick in the a@@ that he needs to grow up. He is going to find out how hard the "real" world is. The world where there is no mommy to take care of him or to enable his bad ways.

I am sorry you have to do this, but you DID do the right thing. He needs to know that he can not act this way in this world.

Good luck!!

NICOLE - posted on 06/11/2013

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See the book "parenting with love and logic." wish Id seen it several years ago. Look for it online to see some chapters. Just see it. YOu will know what i mean.

You did the right/best thing for you. You don't owe your son anything. He will find his way back and until he does he should not return. Believe me he wil not starve.
He will do what he has to do if you stand your ground. That is how you will help him. Dont let him continue to test you to see what you will do next. If u could hire a security guard or body guard for a few days do it. Have any friends that can act as police that will make him want to stay away until he gets his act together?? Good luck. Please keep us in the community updated on how it's going. BEST

Lulu - posted on 06/09/2013

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Its ok I understand u. You should take away his car and sell it or just his keys until he enrolls in school or gets a job, he should not be living with you if he does this to your house and property. I think it's best if you find a job for him and he rents an apartment, he's older than 18 so I think you should do this. I know it will hurt but it's the best for you and your family. Also, you should threaten him that if he comes home by breaking a window or something, you will call the cops. Tell him that if he wants to live under your roof, he will have to get a job, pay rent, or enroll in school. Put strict rules, like you have to get home by 8 pm or something like that. I hope this helps and I wish you the best for your family.

NICOLE - posted on 06/07/2013

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talk to the police, Do not allow him back into your home. You will go thru a process.
Stop enabling him. Let the police know and if he dares break in your home you must call the police immediately. Your only concern should be your young children.
Safety is important. You have to be strong. Get an order of protection from him if you are aftraid and he does any further damage. You must inform the police though if you are aftraid and let them know you have other children and are afraid for their safety.

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