I kicked my 18 year old son out yesterday...

Terrie - posted on 12/30/2011 ( 357 moms have responded )

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My son has been a problem child since he was about 14 or so -- I can't remember the age for sure since it seems like forever. He's punched numerous holes in walls, broken a lot of things, been verbally and physically abusive. We've caught him smoking pot. He's been arrested 5 times for possession & paraphanalia. The courts kept sending him back home to us since he was a juvinile, telling me that if I don't come pick him up I'll be charged with child abandonment.
The last time was a couple of months before his 18th birthday so they charged him as an adult. They were going to send him to a diversion program after he paid a $250 fine and then it'd be dropped from his record. We told him that he'd better look for and try to find a job because we won't pay a penny of it. Of course he didn't, missed his next court date and then recieved a letter from the courts saying that he now has a $1500 fine and a warrant. We won't pay that either. Since he thinks that he's an adult because he's 18 now we've told him that he needs to man up & handle it himself.
Nope, we don't pay for a cell phone, give him a penny nor give him access to our cars. He thinks we're horrible, cheap & lousy parents and says that we don't love him since we've tried to keep him on a short leash. We've tried to for years, taken him to psychiatrists, psycologists, had family counseling, rehab -- You name it. We keep asking ourselves what we've done or are doing wrong. They all say that it's not us and that what we're doing is right -- even his probation officers. We still wonder. We've gone round and round with him. We've written out and given him our family and house rules, had discussions (and yelling matches) about them. He's still disrespectful, calls us horrible names, will do no chores and sneaks out -- sometimes not coming home at all for a day or two.
This last week has been horrible. He was gone for two days at Christmas and was sooo disrespectful and nasty. Unfortunately my mom was here from out of state and witnessed it... mortifiing to me but she really backed me up emotionally thank God.
Yesterday just out of the blue he went off on me, screaming & yelling for at least half an hour. I stayed calm as best as I could, talked to him, tried to calm him down & finally just walked away. A few minutes later as I was doing my hair & getting ready to take Mom to the airport I heard glass break. Our dining room table has - or now had - a glass top over the wood table. It was "an accident" of course. Funny how every time he destroys something it's an "accident"-- A hole in a door, a wall in the bathroom, a lamp, floor fans etc.
Yesterday was my breaking point. I told him to get out. He pleaded with me but I didn't back down. After he left I noticed that he'd been having quite a conversation on the computer.and in the midst of things left it up. He's dealing pot and someone owes him $500. I have no idea where he is and it scares me to death. I packed most of his clothes in trash bags & sat them out on our front porch along with a letter. In the note I told him how much we love him but he needs to straighten out his life. I told him that if he tries to get into the house we'll call the police & possibly file a restraining order. We changed the locks on the doors. That was the hardest letter that I've ever written.
I hope he realizes that we still love him. He's still my baby no matter what but I know that it had to be done. My heart is broken & I'm falling apart. I can't stop crying...

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Chloe - posted on 02/19/2014

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I came across this post in the midst of my googling and decided to create an account just so I could write my own response to this. My teen years were unbelievable rough for me. To nip the first issue in the butt, "teenagers are mean." It's true, always have been always will be. What parents dont understand is that you are NOT your teen's friend. The bond that you create with them is the exact way they will react. Mothers and fathers want to be the controlling responsible parents but as we are growing up we stop wanting to be controlled. Teenagers own thoughts contradict what you tell them to do. Parents always say "why do you get along with your friends so well but not me?" and the answer is simple. You made yourself a controlling parent to me, I dont view you as my friend so treating you like one is hard. There are different levels of friendship as well as different types. Build a friendship with your kid that is not just fun but respectful as well. A friend to friend relationship works better. My grandma was and is still a stuck up prude bitch, but we had some conversations that meant something to me that I will forever remember. When my grandma would say something that didnt take to me nicely instead of going off on her I would remember our pleasant friendly conversations and all the times that we hung out and just chatted and remind myself that there are redeeming qualities about everyone. For the drug issue, As a teenager I tried numerous drugs at parties and concerts, I was never enough of a heavy user to get addicted luckily but weed??? I am reading these posts and almost every mothers complaint is that their child smokes weed. Congrats! Your child is just like every other kid! I recognize the arrogance in this when I say "It's 2014"! Weed is a drug that is being gradually re-accepted by the country. I smoked weed almost every day. Teenagers have heads full of evil and confusing thoughts that can consume and kill you. I was a basket case teenager, I must confess. I had mild anxiety and ADD so adding that to the list of hormones makes adolescence miserable. Smoking weed to me back then was a relaxing way to get me to focus. When you are high the little emotions and mood swings level out so your mind can wrap around the big picture, life. You forget about the unimportant things (ie: crushes, breakups, friend drama) and focus in on your own life, how you want it to be and how you will get there. All of my great ideas were concocted while I was high and executed while I was sober as it does make you a great deal more physically unproductive. Teenagers smoke weed to relive the immense amount of stress and pressure they are put through. M'am you might have caught your son dealing and as lazy and unsafe of an occupation "Drug Dealing" is, he does infact have his future as a priority. I went to an alternative highschool for kids with missing credits and when I tell you that every kid in that school did some type of drug or was a dealer, I mean EVERY kid. The dealers that I met were all actually future oriented people. They knew that what they had at home was not going well and this was the easy, quick money, guarantee for when they leave home. Never would I condone drug dealing, but I watched kids with nothing left for them deal for a period of time and then put the majority of the proceeds either into a home for themselves, college, or it was invested into a legal career. I always fought with my mother and father. Someone had rear ended me when I was 17 turning 18 and it was my truck that was given to me by my father. He took the truck to get it fixed and instead of giving it back to me he sold it and said I wasnt ready for a vehicle. Understand that every interaction I had with my parents was business related. The feelings we shared for each other were generally hatred, so instead of giving me the truck back he sold it for 15,000$. My mother had been telling me that she was going to kick me out when I turned 18. So there I was with job offers, but no transportation to get to work, and a future with no means to access it. I left the day before I turned 18 because I could bear celebrating my birthday with people that only wanted to see me leave. I left, lived with some friends for a while and started tattooing. It was easy money as I am aware of my talents. I made enough to pay my rent with a room mate who eventually had to move out. I spent two years of my life living one rent payment to the next and trying to save until a found a network of customers who appreciated my art in tattoo and pencil/painting form. I am now 26 living comfortably, which might seem as a surprise. My parents felt like there was nothing left for me when there was EVERYTHING left for me. The negativity between my parents and I clouded their vision of my future. I screamed and we fought but I was also a skinny, attractive, talented girl. I had job offers from MAC, Classic Collision, Modeling agencies, the network that people dream about and it was all happening in a short time frame inbetween 17 and 18. I couldnt accept any of the positions because my parents would not let me borrow their cars, would not drive me, and I had no money for any transportation service. All of these "Do the right thing by kicking your kid out, If you love them let them go, help them by making them help themselves" comments almost urk me. I AM a success, I have succeeded in the years that I have been alive and I have been able to help others succeed after me, however, I could have been GREAT. Teenagers are young and they have immature thoughts and standing points about life but if there is one redeeming quality it is that they have passion. They have interests now, that can be careers later. My parents "giving up" on me cut of opportunities that I could have flourished in. When I left my house my heart was broken and when I think of my parents now my emotions run dead, no happy or sad thoughts just the grave that I left the memories in. Raising a teenager is hell, but it has been so long we forget how hard it is to actually be the teenager. You have the weight of the rest of your entire future sitting on your shoulders in a short few years. Teenagers screw up every day, whether it be severe or mild. Those were our trial and error years where obstacles are thrown at you and you find your way around them. Adolescence is like your final test you have to pass to make it into adult hood and it makes it really hard to focus when your parents BECOME an obstacle. I hated my teen years and I hope this will give a tiny bit of insight on what your child might be going through. Your child is YOU. You created them, nurtured them, and now you just have to put up with them. Be bold and brash enough to make things right. Your children become your best friends, keep that in mind. I advise you to take a vacation and when you return come in headstrong with an "I can do it" mindset. Dont let your heart break and dont let yourself fall apart because you are a MOTHER and that is the biggest and hardest roll to play. I pray for one thing for you, and that is strength. You are going through a crisis and all you need is strength, the rest of the things you need to get you through your battle are characteristics that you already posses.

User - posted on 02/14/2014

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Hey anonymous, you Big F◆◆fing FREAK !!! You're either a trolling little piece of crap, or some new age psudo psycho bable childless hippie.
How dare you reply not only to the original poster but to all of the parents on this board w/ such disrespectful bullsh! t.
Go troll somewhere else like Tumblr or 4chan but they'd chase you off the boards for being so predictable.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/14/2014

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Oh, "anonymous"...Don't come crying back when your methods fail you.

YOU disgust me. You apparently have no clue what it takes to BE a parent, so I'm betting you're some obnoxious teen...perhaps even the OP's kid who's hacked her computer!

Rhonda - posted on 02/13/2014

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I am disgusted by the I am disgusted post. Hopefully anonymous gets a walk in our shoes one day since it thinks it has it all figured out. Anonymous sounds like a pompous teen who has no clue about how parents aren't automotons. As a matter of fact, it's post treats parents expressing themselves here the way it accuses them of treating their kids. Are there more than 8 morons out there who think these mom's didn't try those ridiculous patty pat rainbow and unicorn "rules" and "celebrating the child"???? CHeeeZUS! Also we have other children to protect. And YES. At some point they have to get out and hopefully hit bottom and get better. Love and donuts doesn't fix everything! ! AM DISGUSTED :)

Crissy - posted on 02/08/2014

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Oh my! I just found this after doing a google search for my problem child! he will be 18 in two months. last night, at midnight, I locked up and went to bed. I find out this morning that my son had come in through a window (due to the broken curtain rod where he made his entrance). I, too, don't know what to do with him! he is verbally abusive to me and my other 4 kids, he has broke things in my home, ruined at least 3 vehicles, pulled a fast one on me to get signed out of school (permanently), and thinks he can come and go anytime he wants. my hubby and I are biding our time til he is 18 and we can get our name off his truck and then I want him OUT. it is not fair to me and the other kids to be put thru hell with his mouth and attitude. he does have a job but I'm sick of his favorite come-back, "I don't fucking care".....thanks for posting y'alls problems..I'm glad to see that so many others are struggling with loving their problem kids and wanting to wring their necks too! (Btw: my son is 6'2" and weighs in at 230...I am no match for him physically)

Paula - posted on 02/06/2014

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You write your advice, yet you obviously have nooo clue what it is like having an abusive child. I was in hospital 2 years ago four times during my nervous breakdowns from my uncontrolable daughter. I havent worked for 2 years and barely leave my home because I am afraid what she will do AGAIN while I am not home. Plus I have a son who she forced to try pot when I was in hospital with nervous breakdown. I thank God he is such a good kid. He loves his sister yet has told me for 3 years she should not be living here. He doesnt want to tell me everything. So anyway, what I am trying to say to you is dont make us parents look like we are giving up and throwing our child out is evil and bad decision. Do not give seriously abused parents advice until you really experienced the brutality from your child for 5 years !

Belinda - posted on 01/21/2014

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Ok, so what would you do to allow them to be individuals? Even if someone is to be treated as an individual, they still have to contribute to the family home by being cooperative. How do you get a person who is wanting to be treated like an individual to open up to you when they won't talk about it, or its not really important to them, but their behavior is throwing the family dynamic out of balance? How would you attempt to get things back into balance with a person who likes to have things out of balance because it gives them a sense of control and drama? What would you do then? Are you a parent or a teenager? I would love to hear your story. Maybe some of us can learn something from you we have not tried yet.

Gentle - posted on 12/26/2013

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Sounds like what they convince(d) parents to do before giving lobotomies & we know what a mistake that experiment turned out to be. Just look up JFK's sister Rose Mary (or Rosemarie) Kennedy...left her permanently incapacitated.

Peggy - posted on 12/13/2013

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Omg? Your story is mine. We are going through identical things. My son burnt down a high way. Half a million dollars in damages, pot smoking, failing highschool, sneaking out. We have done psychiatrists, therapist, mentors, an outward bou.nd program, scared straight program at the police department. We have always given him consequences, we typednoutna letter to him stating what he needs to do and rules to be followed if he wants to stay in this house. He ripped it up and threw it at us. He turns 18 this month. We have no choice but to,throw him out. We have two little ones who have seen nothing but ugliness because of him. We have to think about our little ones. We are left with no choice. :(

Anonymous - posted on 12/05/2013

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"Write down the rules and consequences."

Do you forget our children aren't cattle?
Or predictable computer programs that need to run in our expectation?

Each human being is different.
We will make different people in the future who think differently than us.

Why should you deter their progress?

Stop making your kids conform. Let them express their individuality.

That's why they are rebellious.

They have potential that you don't understand so you prohibit it.

I am disgusted.

Sheila - posted on 12/01/2013

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My 21 year old daughter is disrespectful, stays out all night and doesn't call. She's been doing this for 4 years. She's never been able to hold a job. Her big problem is alcohol. She binge drinks and then calls in hung over. All of her problems is always everyone else's fault. We stupidly cosigned for her car. She was working but called in hung over during probation period and got demoted from full time to part time. She then quit. She's had it 5 months and has made one payment. She always cries and makes excuses about not calling us (usually its the standard "my phone died"). All we ask is for one phone call letting us know she is ok. We told her today she can only take car back and forth to work. She just got a new job depending on if she passed drug test. Its hard. Its damaged our marriage and has hurt our other daughter (17). My husband has babied her and has given in to her so much. I'm not sure if I have any respect for him or not. If it wasnt for my 17 year old, I would gave been gone a long time ago. We've tried the counselor thing - doesn't work.

Sarah - posted on 11/25/2013

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Wow...who knew if and when kids become too difficult, troubled or have needs that exceed a parents capabilities or limits all you need to do is tell them they have no one to blame but themselves...any other parent would have given up a long time ago then boot them out the door with the reassurance they will thank you one day and a reminder that they had fair warning and have left you with no other choice and expected more from them after everything you have done, given up and sacrificed for them.

Kind of like the kitties you find on the side of a country road....now I get it.

Miss - posted on 11/25/2013

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I know where my son is. He is living with his girlfriend n her parents. You see, about 6 months ago he started dating her. She has a baby that is 15 months old and that child's father just recently busted my son over the head with brass knuckles causing him to have seven staples. I have met with her parents concerning the issues we have ran into since they have been dating like my son Not going to school n the drugs etc. I know he has a place to sleep n eat. The question is, will he be safe living there. He refuses to press charges because the girlfriend does not want her child to go without a father because this was not his first assault charge. I just could not keep worrying all the time when he wouldn't come home at night n when he put his girlfriend before his 7 yr old helpless sister n forgot to pick her up from the bus stop I lost it..

Miss - posted on 11/25/2013

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I also have a 18 yr old son I just kicked out our home. I cannot say he has been locked up thank goodness. But has he had a run I. The law? Yes! But some how it always ends up someone else's fault. Since he was five years old he has had problems when it come to self discipline, abiding by rules or authority. Most recently, since a turned 18 he refuses to finish his senior year and has turned to smoking marijuana daily to where it is his every thought! Well today when he forgot to pick his 7 year old sister from the bus stop n she walked to a friends house. I completely lost it. I kicked him out and told him since he is 18 now wants to claim grown man status and not have a education nor a job he needed to live somewhere else. It hurt so much to see him walk out the door but I can't go on trying to help my son if he don't want to help himself.

Sarah - posted on 11/22/2013

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After reading all these posts I can't help bit wonder if there is anyone who can share the success or progress that resulted from removing their so called adult from there home. I sympathize with all who are left with no other option-accommodating abuse in any form from anyone is not a parenting requirement or responsibility. Are there no other options? Did the mom who learned her son was smoking and dealing drugs report him to the police or attempt to resolve the deeper issues that led him to make the choice to break the law and harm himself...perhaps the question is how does she help not did she. There are limited means to support families who are not equipped (and who is?) to help them when they are impossible to reach. How do they survive when they are kicked out, how do they find shelter, food, necessities of basic life...seriously doubt they are sent off with a care package, clothes, first & last months rent for the apartment previously arranged. How do you know they are safe, healthy? Do they know what or how to do what they need to in order to have a good life? The positive affects of kicking even the most horrible child out of their home are unknown to me. If anything these kids will justify their behaviour and lack of respect because they get neither from their parents who had no problem (in their minds) kicking them out! Paul Bernardo comes to mind..he brutally murdered a young teen who was at the same mall as him because her parents locked her out of the house when she missed curfew. His 2nd victim was also in conflict with her parents and was out when she should have been at home.
Punching holes in walls, verbal, emotional and physical abuse, accidentally breaking or destroying personal property is not only unacceptable behaviour-its illegal. Perhaps holding them accountable for their actions should be dealt with through appropriate channels that enforce consequences applicable to everyone would serve these kids better than tossing them out the door for someone else to deal with. Being held accountable to the law and enforcement officers that don't have to endure pain, doubt, guilt and worry through the eyes of a parent to loves them and hates to even be in such a position may offer options for a mutually beneficial outcome. You have the right to be treated with respect and dignity....ironically so do our children - even when they make mistakes. Part of respecting them is holding then accountable-even if it means a criminal record. It might just be the moment that shocks them back to reality. My heart goes out to everyone who was pushed to the brink and had no other option..no doubt you're hurting more than they, or anyone, will ever know. The important thing isn't what went wrong-the important thing is to never give up on them or yourself. The world can be a nasty place...living on the street or with other community centres that try to accommodate the 1000's of teens who have nothing and are forced to alternate means of survival is not where any child should be.

User - posted on 10/20/2013

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I'm going through the same thing. I try to give my 18- year- old son a chance but he remains disrespectful. We just had an argument because I would not let him stay at my house. Two weeks ago he tried to steal my car and when I caught him he denied it and started yelling in my face. Itold him he cannot stay with me. I'm trying to stick to it because I' ve let him come back home after putting holes in my walls, cursing me out, breaking my property (tv, laptop, home decor, etc) and when given another chance he doesn't change. Since kicking him out 2 weeks ago I've allowed him to sleep here once but I told him anytime he needs to sleep at my house he needs to come before 10:00 because I have to get up early for work. Last night he came here with his girlfriend, a 20-year-old high school dropout who was kicked out of her parents house, and they were arguing on my porch. She said something he didn't like so he refused to take her home. it was after midnights so I told her she could sleep at my house and told him to go sleep at my mom's house. Tonight I was woken up at 11:18 by him knocking on my door. I told him I'm not letting him in and rather than him humbling himself and being apologetic he told me it was an accident because his cellphone screen is cracked and I shouldn't be mad over an accident. I know he is upset but I'm trying to be firm. I told him he cannot stay and from now on if he does want to stay he needs to be here by 8:00. He left but I know he's angry and feels that I don't love him. I felt so guilty after he left and I immediately started to wonder if I was doing the right thing. Reading similar stories really helps me know that I am still a good mother, I just cannot keep allowing him to disrespect me and terrorize my household. I have two young daughters who need a stable household. I do pay his cell phone bill so I can know that he's safe and I think I'll try an ALANON meeting as some have suggested.

April - posted on 10/18/2013

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i cant agree with you more omg my son is 20 same issues and i dont know what to do 3 felonies no job no license or a want for one he states why pay all this amount in restitution which is thusands by the way and he made the decisions to break and enter and steal other peoples cars and yet i still pay his phone bill deal with his s*** everyday i worry that he will have nowhere to go and nobody and may do something terrible to end up in priison or worse i think daily if i do put him out will he just off himself cuz he feels empty and therefore im stuck with a CHILD THAT DONT WANT ANYTHING IN HIS LIFE AND IM THE MOTHER WHO FEARS EVERYDAY FOR WHAT MAY BE THE OUTCOME OF TOUGH LOVE SO I LET HIM STAY IM A SINGLE MOM OF 4 AND ONE IS WHEELCHAIRED DUE TO A CARDIAC ARREST HE CANT SEE I HAVE ENOUGH GOING ON DONT GET ME WRONG MY SON DONT EVEN AS MUCH AS CUSS IN MY HOUSE LET ALONE CUSS AT ME BUT IN THE SAME SENTENCE WHEN HE WAS LOCKED UP I FELT AT PEICE THAT HE WAS SAFE ANDHAD SOMEWHERE TO SLEEP WHAT IS IT THATS MAKES US PARENTS WANT TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR THEM AND YET SUFFER OURSELVES BECAUSE WHATS RIGHT FEELS SO WRONG TO US AS PARENTS. EVERYONE ON THIS PAGE KNOWS WHAT THE RIGHT THING IS AND THAT IS PUT THEM OUT STOP BEING THERE DOORMAT LET THEM FIGURE OUT THAT LIFE IS NOT EASY BUT INSIDE WE ALL FEAR WHAT MAY HAPPEN HOURS EVEN AFTER TELLING THEM TO LEAVE AND NOT COME HOME MY SON WILL BE 21 IN JANUARY AND IM CRUSHED THAT HE STILL DONT GET IT HE STILL THINKS THE TANTRUMS AND BREAKING THINGS ARE OK EVEN THINGS HE HAS PAID FOR HES MY ONLY BOY AND I THINK I WAS STUPID IN RAISING A BOY BUT I DID MY BEST I HAVE 3 GIRLS ALL STRAIGHT A STUDENTS WHERE DID I GO WRONG I MEAN SOME OF U ON HERE HAVE 2 PARENTS LOOSING THIS SAME BATTLE AND THAT HELPS ME KNOW I DID THE RIGHT THINGS HE TOOK THE WRONG PATHS WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE WHEN U WORRY ABOUT THE PHONE CALL THAT MAY COME WHEN YOU KICK THEM OUT THAT YOUR CHILD IS DEAD!!! THATS THE ONLY REASON MY SON IS STILL THERE OTHERWISE I WANT HIM TO MOVE SEE ITS NOT EASY I WORK EVERYDAY FOR THEM TO JUST HAVE A ROOF, FOOD AND NICE THINGS MY CHECK IS GONE BEFORE IT EVER FOUND THE BANK BUT I DO IT FOR MY KIDS BECAUSE I LOVE THEM MORE THEN LIFE IITSELF. I CRY ALMOST EVERY NIGHT I JUST WANT GOD TO FIX HIM HELP HIM TO UNDERSTAND WHATS NEEDED TO LIVE I MEAN JUST LIVE THE BASICS FOOD CLOTHING AND SHELTER SO HE CAN SEE WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING FOR HIM THE LAST 20 ALMOST 21 YRS AND MAYBE WILL STOP BREAKING THE THINGS THAT I WORK SO HARD FOR OR WHINING ABOUT 5 DOLLARS THAT I WONT GIVE HIM BECAUSE I SAY U NEED A J.O.B AND U WOULD HAVE 5 DOLLARS AND MORE I DONT EXPECT ALOT FROM MY SON THESE DAYS BUT TO WAKE UP AND SEE LIFE FOR WHAT IT REALLY IS NOT A FREE RIDE I WISH THERE WAS A BETTER ANSWER THEN THROW HIM OUT BUT I KNOW IN OUR DAYS IF WE HAD PULLED THIS EVEN ONCE THERE WOULD BE NO ARGUEING OR QUESTIONS IT WOULD BE SIMPLE "U DONT LIKE IT HERE ILL HELP YOU PACK " THERE WOULD BE NO COMING HOME I HAD MY FIRST JOB AT 15 MY KID AT 17 AND MY OWN PLACE AT 18 I NEVER WENT BACK WHY ARE WOMEN MORE DETERMINED TO FIND FREEDOM AND BOYS DO THIS AND PUT US IN HOSPITALS OR JUST MAKE US FEEL LIKE WE ARE SO WORTHLESS IN EVERY WAY I LOVE MY BIG BOY BUT IM AT THE POINT I DONT WANT HIM TO LIVE WITH ME ANYMORE I BEG HIM TO GET A JOB FIND A ROOMATE BE ON HIS OWN SINCE HE USES THE BULLS*** EXCUSE THAT WHEN HE IS HOME IS THE ONLY TIME HE IS ANGRY
HE HAS NEVER BEEN ABUSIVE VERBALLY OR PHYSICAL BUT MENTALY A NERVOUS WRECK TO EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE
A COMPLETLY TORN MOM

Marlene - posted on 10/13/2013

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To Jay,

That was cruel, sometimes tough love is all you can do. I know it must be devastating to put your child out but, at what extent should a parent have to put up with a unruly child whose legally an adult ? Don't be so hard on her or judgmental, sounds likes she's been through a lot.

Marlene - posted on 10/13/2013

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Thank you all for sharing your stories and now I don't feel like the only person in the world going through this. I won't go into my sons issues I think they have all been described in the other stories. I commend the parents here for having the bravery to put your kids out. I want to do the same, I feel like I just want him to go away! I have done everything for my son, I work hard and have set a good example of being a upright law abiding citizen. None of that seems to matter he is determined to be self destructive. I'm close to putting him out; I'm going to take some suggestions that I've read here and make a move. Thank you all again.

No Other - posted on 10/08/2013

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Just reading some of the posts on here and the similar situations others are having in comparison to mine. So let me brief you all on what I have been up against. My oldest son who is now 18 has always been challenging to say the least and I guess has been at risk since birth as he has never met his father. I had always been aware of the difficulties he might be up against and tried to deal with them the best I could. I began to notice a serious change in him when he turned 12, he began to have severe anger issues. Trying to be an understanding mother and not having experienced the same situation as him signed him up for a mentor, which literally lasted about 4 weeks before the mentor decided that this wasn't the kid he was hoping for (of course this crushed my son). So again trying to find something to help set him in the right direction got him in to sports with the stipulation that to continue playing he had to keep up his grades/chores & keep his temper in check. This worked for a short period until he came home with his report card and he was told he could no longer play due to his grades. His temper flared and before long he was throwing items across the room. His is 16 at this time and 6ft tall 220lbs; I am 5'3 and 130lbs. I was not going to let him think he was the boss so removed his gaming console/TV etc. I have to say that from 16-18 those tactics did not make a difference. He made the decision at 17 to drop out of high school, I responded with "If you are living with me; you will continue some kind of school". So he thought he would do online school, which he did for about 3 months before deciding he didn't want to do that anymore so I told him "you have until you are 18 to find a job as you are not staying here playing games in the basement, sleeping until 2 pm, eating food, "borrowing money", not doing chores, not going to school and not being respectful of my house". I do not believe that is an unreasonable response for his lack of motivation. Long story short, 18 rolls around and no job, no prospects for finding one, no plans at all for the future and still no respect. The last straw came when he asked for money to go out with his friends and I told him that he had no right to ask me for any money when he could not do even one of the things he needed to do. He responded with punching a hole in my wall and screaming in my face.......I called the Police.....they came and I told them that I wanted him out of my house. They told me I would have to evict him by means of court...... after they left I had made the hardest decision to send my son packing. He did not have the problems with drugs or things of that nature, but I do believe there comes a point when you have done all you can possibly do for someone. I have no wish to support my son financially for the remainder of my life or his......Time to Man up! I love my son (even if the thinks I don't), that was my reason for taking this course of action. I can say to those of you who think that this is "bad parenting" that until you are forced to make a decision like this; don't judge! No Parent wants to have to do it and it is not easy for the child or the parent. No one is a perfect parent and no one is a perfect child, we all learn as we go.

MARY ANN - posted on 10/07/2013

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Your heart is broken because of the expectations you have for your son. Plus its hard standing up for your self.
I only say this because I have 2 teens and 2 adult children and 3 grandchildren.
My best suggestion to you would be to do what your comfortable with,
meaning concider yourself and your mother comfort level when drawing the line.
For example when I asked my now 32 yr. old daughter to move out ( for the 5th time),
I paid her cell phone bill. Only because "I wanted to be able to call her to know she was still alive". not to cosign her behavior. I did things like that for my peice of mind so that I could sleep at night.
Another really great suggestion is "GO/RUN to an ALANON Meeting". www.alanon.org. Just set and listen to people and listen for simmular experiences. These people talk about all kinds of great stuff. You would be suprised at the peace and serinty you could own in the mids of complete chaos.
Try to remember to have fun! You are supposed to have a life too! They do growup and get different, this is just another stage of life....Try to enjoy the journey,
God Bless You.

Dee - posted on 10/05/2013

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I just kicked my 18 year old out today. This is not the first time and this time I feel bad but not distraught. He has to grow up that's the bottom line. Honestly what I do feel really bad about is he doesn't have anywhere to go but I can't go on this way. My friend said when they do straighten up they come back humble. I can't say I believe her but it's worth a try. If letting go May bring my son back then I want to try letting go. I want my baby back!!!! But as a man.

Ann - posted on 09/23/2013

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I can just imagine what agony you are in, but I think you are doing the right thing. My mother never kicked my brother out and he lived with her until she became unable to care for herself. He drank, stole her money, trashed her house. We still are not sure but think he physically abused her as well. She is now living with me, but the damage is done. Her house and her belongings and finances are all now int he possession of a conservator and we can only file petitions for anything she wants to do with her own things.

He only cares about himself. He was spoiled from birth. I was there and I saw it. He had a son who is a mess as well. If my parents had kicked him out and made him see the light when he still was young he might have had a chance, but now I think he is pretty much finished.

You have done what you could for 18 years. Now you are being a good parent by doing the only thing left to do. I feel for you. Be strong!

Hugs.

Kimberly - posted on 09/19/2013

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Being a single mom is tough!!! It is even tougher when you have a 14 year old son that is angry all the time and extremely disrespectful. My son hugged me yesterday and was angry so he pinched my arm really hard-it hurt and now I have a bruise. Tonite, he cussed me out. He is in denial, angry because he is on inhalants. I can not get him help unless her admits to it. I have taken him to a counselor for the counselor to tell me that he wants his phone back-well I already knew that-what I need to know is how can I help save my son before he ends up killing himself? My son is also spoiled and has a fit if he does not get his way. From now on out, it is tough love-to be so sad! This is a roller coaster ride that I hope will straighten out in the near future. I miss my baby and feel like Satan is staring at me in my son's body. Jesus, please save my baby!

GEMMA - posted on 09/16/2013

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i have touch my heart to read your story tonight, i just been though last 2 year for the hall with my son and after so badly again tonight.. i could not sleep and some how found your story.

the story of your son and the thing he have done just like my son did, not respect. many accident damage, nasty , verbally and physically abusive all the time and neven accept any thing was his wrong then abusive whilo family

I am so feel for you and your letter are making me so touch, my heart is so broken and thank you for share your pain that I notice I am not one of them having a such unrespectful son.

Gemma

Ted - posted on 09/16/2013

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I had the same problem. Be glad he's gone. Now you maybe able to find some peace and save yourself from a pre-mature Heart attack like I had. Stay strong if you allow him to come back it just starts again.

Isabel - posted on 09/14/2013

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We are so sooty Mark our kid is the only have we have like you we did everything regarding counselors family therapy, psychology he has a good family living okay and nothing work he cuss us horrible he needs to get out of our house we can not deal with this anymore our health is going no good because his stuff my husband told him already rehab or street this is to much and he don't get a job to pay his fines he knows he is going to jail doesn't matter what is been to rough in our health

Steven Mark - posted on 09/13/2013

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Hello..PLEASE red this...
M son is also18 and threatening to leave. Does not have the history with police but same thing wit hanger and pot. WE HAVE TO BE STRONG and realize that if we continueue to enable them they will never learn. Your son may have to reach a bottom and go to jail, an again, to find out what it is to be a good man. My greatest fear other than my son dying was him leaving and never coming back.

So this is what my heart says..as a dad who is like a sensitive teary mom: I have not done it all right but I did everything I could for this kid i adopted at 18 months. It breaks my heart but I am not sheding one tear tonight when i usually cry. Why?
Because I realized in my profound sadness that HE is ispoiled..i spoiled him on some level and I am not God and he must grow up.

My son told me tonight..(after I pay all his bills, phone, allowance)..and he did not do his chores)..he told me" I have no respectp for you". ..a few fucks in there. All of the sudden..my fear became healthy anger and healthy sadness of the realityy of who he is and that I was hurting him by not letting him go. In other words when I said you need ot leave go stay with a friend tonight he took that as he is done. He told me what a horrible parent I was to throw a child out Here is the deal" THEY KNOW how to push our buttons, so...
BE STRONG, YOUR BABY like MY BABY must become a man. I wiish he would go int ohe military..
Thanks and i am very very sad tonight...but...stronger...
I'm a Dad Who Tried....

User - posted on 09/13/2013

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have you ever thought about getting his brain scanned to find out why he behaves that way? ... www.amenclinics.com

I work there, and we might be able to help him. Typically there is an issue in the brain where they are impulsive and do things repeatedly wrong even when they know better,. A lot of the time it can be repaired and their judgement improves.. it would be worth you checking out .. just as an option

Jay - posted on 09/13/2013

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Good don't stop crying, what kind of parent just abandons their child like that. You make me sick.

User - posted on 09/11/2013

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Do not beat yourself up, you did all the right things which must have been very difficult to follow through with. The courts hear bits and pieces and make blanket judgements after acting annoyed of having to sit and listen to a case for 30 seconds. It is a total waste of time and a crap shoot of what the outcome will be.at the end of the day, No one really cares except you and God.

User - posted on 09/11/2013

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In response to, "Should you do anything?"My advice to you is YES! ASAP. I wish I had dropped the gauntlet before my son turned 18 because, once he/she turns 18 your hands are tied and you are most likely supporting him/her therefore you are a co dependent, not so much a parent. Those rights are evaporated on their 18th birthday. I called numerous treatment centers for pot addiction and they basically brushed me off because he is 18. I found one that was supportive but he had to admit himself. I tried that with intervention group of myself and my x husband. But as soon as they got here no one backed me up with the tough love. In fact I got chastised for "upsetting" him. My hands are in the air. I too sacrificed a meaningful career to stay home and raise my children. To be there 24/7 to make sure they were not latch key children. I cooked I cleaned I spent my retirement for private schools. IDK maybe in the long run it will pay off. Right now my life as a parent is very sad. I feel more like a maid and keeper of the house instead of a beloved parent. Not easy being a single mom is it?

Kimberly - posted on 09/11/2013

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Isabel,

This is heartbreaking! I am sorry that you have to go through such torment with your son. However, I can relate. My fourteen year old son is a total stranger! He seems like he is blank when I look at him. He has punched holes in the wall, kicked out my glass in my car, and punched his mirror in the bathroom. He screams, threatens, and cusses me out. I have been totally here for him since he has been born. I have put my life on hold to raise him right. He does not appreciate one thing I have done for him. I believe he is on inhalants as I have found some things and he has all the symptoms. The problem is there is no test to test for inhalants so he denies it and has gone to live with his Dad. His dad lets him do whatever he wants. I need advice, should I try to hospitalize him with after bringing him home or just let him live with his dad? This is so saddening. Can't believe my baby has turned out like this-very disappointing!

Isabel - posted on 09/11/2013

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This is my situation now my son is 20 years old and always been rebel since 12 now he is doing drugs is been in juvenile to don't go to court date he has two DUI s very horrible disrespectful coll us horribles cussing bad words his room is destroyed with holes , vandalizes my our home but we are ready to kicking out the house but we don't have family here its been horrible to us we think and think is very hard we tolk to him on and on and he is like deaf he wants to get his way he didn't finish High school neither and he don't want to work we are thinking to go to the police for conceling to get help about what we can do anyway he own around 4000.oo dls for fines we are not paying a penny we feel horrible

Tracy - posted on 09/11/2013

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I totally feel your pain. I actually had to file the restraining order on my 20 year old son.
same type of scenario since the age of 14. Now he is into heavier drug dealings and so messed up, I love him so much and it kills that he blames me for this and hates me for kicking him out onto the streets. His 16 yr old brother is doing the same things now, round two being a parent is so not fair -my prayers and love are being sent your way.

Carmen - posted on 09/09/2013

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Reading all these posts really makes me feel better to know I'am not the only one with such a painful situation. My 22 year son is my only child. He was a stong willed child since he was a toddler..He was very challenging...disrespectful like you cant believe. I've read so many books to add tricks in my bag to help him in the social emotional arena..I''ve learned that children are born with their own tempermant which is genetically
Passed on. His dad was a rebel when he was growing up. As parents we have to instill good character and take a stand to bad behavior. A child that constantly disrespects his parents and makes unhealthy choices that form a ripple effect is a child with a caracter flaw.. We as parents have to concentrate more on character then education or anything else. Character is the main foundation and it's not easily instilled especially when their stronged willed..Just be consistant with your dicipline and apply tough love. Iam still trying with my 22 year old son..and trust me it has been tough. But, hang in there and hope for the best. Remain calm and trust that one day you could look back and say..Every sleepness night and every tear I shed was worth it... when you see the man you've raised.

Ray - posted on 09/08/2013

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What does that mean exactly? The only time I haven't been there for my son is when I was out of country on orders.

Izzy - posted on 09/08/2013

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Truth is, I don't think you loved him enough to begin with. There's nothing you can do now. You should've been there for him when he was young, like 13. But I bet you weren't.

Ray - posted on 09/08/2013

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This is a really old post, so not sure if your still tending to it. My son is up to the same level of acting out. He is doing drugs, sneaking out late at night. Only difference is he is only 16. He was brought under the BECCA bill for missing to much school, that wasnt working well enough so I got desperate and took his bed away and his door off its hinges. I also filed for an ARY "at risk youth" petition wich supersceeds the BECCA order. The courts dragged their feet on giving it to me but eventually did. As a result they found ME to be a punitive parent and ordered me to take 13 weeks of parenting classes as well as family counseling, which is total BS. What was I suppose to do, tell my son I love him when he has missed over 131 days of school up till May? I just don't believe in praising wrong doing. He too has put holes in doors, written on the walls and broken the screen off his window so he can sneak out of his bedroom at night.
So this is just great, my son misses about 200 days of school, puts holes in our doors, writes on our walls, steals food from our fridge to give to his friends, steals electronics to trade with his friends, takes my medication to get high, gets caught failing a drug test for marijuana, and gets 5 hours of community service. I take his bed away and door away and key away, and I get 13 weeks of parenting classes in addition to family counseling on top of that. It seems like we would have been better to not even bother asking for the courts help.

Gabby2gabriel - posted on 09/04/2013

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Sounds like a similar story about my 21 year old. When he was 16 he was going through a lot of crazy stuff. He never listened to us and did not like any authority to rule him. He wanted to be on his own. He was back and forth between his grand parents; my house and the courts. Group home seem to help but he played that too. Then he started to steal from my boyfriend and that is what broke the camels back. When he was 17 he got his own place got his GED and was on hid own. Still trouble brewed. I finally stopped supporting him. I felt it time for him to work. Of course his dads family blames me for his troubles. They fail to look at it as it was definatley his choices. No matter how I did try to make him do what was right; he wanted it his way. He was immancipated so I do not blame me. His dads family have lots to say. Karma will pay them a visit one day. Hold your chin up and keep believing that you can do only what you can. What do people expect? We aren't the Ckeavers.

Misha - posted on 09/02/2013

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Thanks Kat,
Your support is well appreciated. It's also supported at the very least to a large swath of me' mates in Australia, who've chronically participated and been sympathetic in my personal journey, not to mention friends back home in the States. Point is, I have a lot of folks who see, actively, that I am being mistreated and support me. But living in Hong Kong, I'm more or less crowded in my own company. I likely need to get out more, and with the weather finally cooling of, I can be with myself, at least, out doors. That said, it's very difficult to rationalize what the right thing is to do. My ex seems to be finally getting around to see the "pattern" that I've tried to lay out in regards to our child's random behavior, jeez' after 4 years now (?).. As I've mentioned she's in her "happy-bubble", and inactive giving me a hand. I have taken some small comfort in the fact she's seems to be now "getting it",for at th very least, the person who knows me the most over 19 years of marriage, finally might see that I "might" know what I'm talking about. Before, in the way I see it, I've been the scorned-ex, that just stirs up trouble. Fortunately, at least, shes seems to be putting the Lego blocks together.

Strange, I feel any time I'm able to talk / write for too long I feel self indulgent, but if I can strike a cord with another father/ mother, then I suppose that's cool. Being culturally alone for long time and not having the provincial appreciation for the local customs in a foreign country you don't respect, you spend a lot of time in your head gripping about what how you would prefer you life to be. It makes you boring and people don't take you too seriously. ESPECIALLY if you have really issues in your life. So, I keep it bottled up and take it out in a forum.

So enough of me. My son texted me today and said "Dad, sorry I didn't go to immigration today, I had another movie (movie extra) and I couldn't be bothered with it as I worked so late last night." He's only got 11 days before his visa is finished here. It creates a very boring person when all you do is worry about your children. We are running out of time and no matter what, I, nor any other caring adult in his world says, he's f**ked if he doesn't take matters into his own hands and sort it. I've done all I can. My worst fear, really is him going back to the States, alone, and finding other loser kindred spirits that create a permissible atmosphere where getting involved with hardcore drugs leads to further imprisonment or death. As parents in this age, the bar is lowered so low that this is THIS is what worries us the most (we who are at this point). So when does being a parent get any easier?

Let me say for my son, he is the nicest, fun, funniest, talented, handsome person you could come across. It's a bloody shame to see so many great attributes wasted on such a fundamentally good person with such great potential. It's in the height of these times when he seems to throw it all away when I want to strangle him. Don't worry y'all, I wont strangle him.

Kat - posted on 09/01/2013

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Oh, and we moved out of state to ensure that my fiancee's kids didn't move back in with us!!

Kat - posted on 09/01/2013

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You HAVE to stand up to him. You did the RIGHT THING. Be strong, and don't back down. My parents gave in to my brother who had the same issues...over and over again. He is now 45, cannot hold a job, and STILL comes to them for help. He has numerous issues with alcohol and drugs.

Your son has a violent streak, and he's using it in manipulative ways. Don't be afraid to put a restraining order against him if he threatens you. Once he figures out that he can't walk all over you, and that you don't respond to his threats, it should calm down.

Good luck!

Misha - posted on 09/01/2013

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Naturally, the content of what we go through as parents and people cannot be adequately conveyed in a blog. Wagging your finger at someone who you assume is using a "get-out-of parenting card" as the last poster put. Yes it IS sad. Yes, as parent I could have been more present. But as poorly as I could look back at my efforts, I know that my lack of being present was the fact I worked hard all these years to support a family. I was working abroad nearly all the time and I didn't have the foresight to understand the damage this might have done. That said, I did my best and have done my best.

As it stands, my son is welcomed with 2 criteria for me to consider any further investment in him. First, he needs to sort his visa, second, he needs a job. That is, he needs to actually be working. I'm still stung about some of the recent thefts from me so I'm not going to get into justifying my feeling to anyone. But I do realize that it's all material and those things pass. Welcoming my son back home invites that behavior in again and I'm always prepared that it happens at a whim.

I previously posted he was 18, not that it make a huge difference, he's 19. Anyways, he old enough to know what respect and what is expected from him. Oh, I'll also mention, he broke into my house last night and stole close to $300 while I was asleep, so I think I'm being pretty cool about all this.

Alicia - posted on 08/31/2013

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hi my mane is Alicia, I am ready to evict my two daughters out of my house with a sheriff . I really don't care where they go . They have everything at home . Rules don't apply to them , doing things I ask from them not to do . where are the damn laws for us parents , talking ..LOl
I rather talk to my dog then to my kids at least he is listening

[deleted account]

Has it occurred to you that you should have been much more involved during his adolescent years, and that turning 18 is not a magic grow-up potion nor is it a get-out-of-parenting-free-card? You should have better parented your kid from the start, rather than looking for a way/time cut him loose for years. Sad.

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