I kicked out my 17 year old daughter

Cheryl - posted on 04/07/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I kicked out my 17 year old daughter (3 weeks ago) soon to be 18 on Halloween. She has been stealing from all of us at home for the last four years. She dropped out from high school grade 10; the TDSB gave her the option to attend school or sign her out-she chose an alternative school and was doing well until exam time, she decided to find a job that never happened. Continually she would come and go as she pleases, 2, 3, 4, 5am – I wouldn’t see her for weeks at a time. I took her house key away. She continually stole from her sisiter who left our house because the sister felt I wasn’t doing enough about the situation. I’m convinced my 17 yr old daughter has kleptomania - a dissociation (mental illness); I tried getting her help in the alternative school to see a psychiatrist and counselling - but I have learned you cannot help anyone unless they ask or want the help. How can you help someone if they dont see they need help? I know in my heart this is one of the issues my daughter has had since grade 4-not seeking help; she would never complete any of her school work and never ask for help. Now in her teen years this is just coupled with a whole bunch of other issues, including anger, etc. She admitted to getting help with anger management while attending the alternative school but she stopped attending school at the beginning of Jan 2013. Today she is begging me to come home saying sorry, saying she will do whatever it is to come home – its breaking my heart but those are just words – she contacted me one other time 3 weeks ago asking to come back home. I offered to meet her somewhere so we could look at womens shelters to find her some place to live and I told her I would only consider her living with me/us if she got help for her stealing. Today it was the same, she needs to show me that she is willing to get help instead of begging me and saying sorry, wishing she could rewind time and take it all back. I have given her kids helpline number and Ontario works – I only had contact with her thru text messages – I keep telling her I love her and that I want to meet with her but she refuses and only wants to come home. I cannot live with a thief any longer it’s affected my whole family, the grandmother, sister, my boyfriend and me. We live under chains and locks on all our cabinets – the things she has stolen over the years – some irreplaceable but that’s not the issue at this time – the issue is how do I get my daughter help – first she needs somewhere to live – she needs to help herself – I have tried and tried … what should I do? Does anyone have any ideas or experience with something like this?

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Katya - posted on 04/08/2013

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First off as a Mom I'm sorry you are having to live thru this. It hurts to love someone who refuses to help themselves. In teens- anger is often depression turned inward into themselves. The klepto part could be a cry for help. Perhaps she just doesnt have the energy to help herself. I don;t know what your financial situation is like but there are a few good programs such as outward bound, where they spend a summer with a group of kids and counselors in the wilderness where they learn self sufficiency, anger management and to respect the rights and boundaries of others. She needs a program that will hold her accountable for her actions. I would NOT let her come back home unless she agrees to get help. It sounds like you have given her plenty of chances. Tough love is hard. I too booted out my daughter at 19 for far less. It was sad to see her living out of her car. She did come to her senses and now we are best freinds. Shes the backbone of our family. I wish you all the best and pray for her. Prayer really changes thins. There is something missing in her life and the stealing is her trying to fill that empty void. If you could figure out what that emptiness is would be most helpful.
Hugs
Katya

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