I need help please My 18 year old daughter

Judy - posted on 04/21/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hello everyone,
I am a mother of an 18 year old daughter, and I am also new to this website. As I am writing this I am in tears because I am struggling badly with my daughter not being with me. First my daughter lives with her father in the state of NJ, and I live in the state is FL. My daughter has always lived with me since a baby, but this year, her senior year she wanted to stay and finish her last year of high school. So we agreed for her to stay with the condition of her coming to Florida to live with me and attend college. Her father has not been the best support recently and doesn't help her as much, so from here I have been doing it all, financially to everything. So she now has a boyfriends and they have both been together for two years now, I never liked the boy personally there has always been something about him that rubbed me wrong, and he and I at first bumped heads badly, but I had to learn to accept him so that I don't push my daughter away. Now we are two months from her graduation, and she is telling me she does not want to come. I am so broken hearted with this. I have all these emotions driving me crazy. I don't know if to pack my bags and move to NJ so that I can have my daughter with me. My fiancé who is supportive tells me he is willing to do whatever makes me happy, but he feels that I am babying to much my daughter and not letting her grow up. I just feel that where she is she is not going to be ok. I feel that her boyfriend sets her back and the friends she has are not of good influence. I am so lost myself, scared and worried all the time. My daughter doesn't have a car and her father keeps saying he will help her get one soon, but she doesn't realize that the car needs insurance, gas and maintenance and she has to be responsible for all that. She has a partime job, and she saves her money, well I save it for her. I just don't know what to do. I need God to give me direction, I am in tears all the time. I just feel that if she comes here she will be better and meet new people. Please any positive feed back I will appreciate it.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/22/2014

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STOP. Stop trying to control your daughter and keep her a child.

She's 18. When she graduates HS, if she wants to move to Timbuktu and be a sherpa, that's her choice.

You taking her money and 'saving' it for her...doesn't help HER learn how to save, how to control a budget, etc. You packing your bags and moving back to Jersey isn't going to facilitate your adult daughter learning how to survive and live on her own.

Your fiance is correct, you're babying her too much. Did you raise her correctly? Did you instill in her (to the best of your parenting ability) the best morals and values that you could? Yes? Ok! Have confidence in your parenting. Let your adult child grow up!

One other comment: She doesn't have a car. She lives in New Jersey. Is it that big a deal? Public transport is HUGE on the east coast, and generally more preferable to personal vehicle ownership. Less expensive as well.

Bottom line, although you will not like to hear this, is that your daughter is an adult in the eyes of the law. She is allowed to make any and all decisions for herself RIGHT NOW, regardless of whether or not she's graduated HS. The decisions that she makes may not please you, they may not be the ones you would have made, nor will they always be GOOD decisions, but that's how we, as human beings, learn to survive.

Let her be her own person.

Good luck!

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Judy - posted on 04/22/2014

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Shawnn you must of been an angel sent from heaven. Your words are so encouraging and I can't thank you enough. My daughter is also a good girl, but my fear is that she has always been a follower sadly. She follows her friends around instead of being a leader. I always talk to her about these things and tell her the importance of being her own person, but at times she gets moody and it's when I just back off because her moods get to me. I will be starting school myself in the fall so hopefully that will keep me busy, and who knows maybe she will come here and attend college, but as you said if she doesn't then I have to accept her choice. I thank you shawn for being amazing with your words. don't forget me. keep it coming with your advice i need them. I don't how to privately inbox you my email if its allow here, but if you know let me know so I can send it to you.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/22/2014

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Honey, I don't know if labour was harder than letting our 18 year olds go...but I'm really thinking that the hardest part is on THIS end of raising them!

Trust me, I really, truly understand where you're coming from. I do! My son still lives in the same city, but HE had to tell me "mom, I love you, but BACK OFF!" Because I'd do things like purchase some extra groceries and drop them by.

We just have to trust that we've done our jobs and done them well. Personally, I know I did with my boys, because everyone tells me, and they show it every day. But, that doesn't stop me from (still) texting my eldest when the roads have just iced over to tell him to be careful going to work, because I know he won't have checked conditions before he leaves...but he points out to me that he 'really can survive on my own MOM' (with that totally exasperated sound that they seem to get...LOL)

Look at it this way. Momma, it's time for you to be free! Investigate a hobby, or find something that you've 'always wanted' to do...and do it! PM me if ya need a shoulder

My eldest will be 20 in a couple months, so I'm just ahead of you out of the gate. I'll warn you about 'pitfalls' along the way

Judy - posted on 04/22/2014

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Shawn thank you thank you thank you!! May God bless you! I need advice I had my daughter at 16 so I am growing up with her and learning as I go. As you asked me, did I raised her correctly to the best of my ability, with values and morals, yes because she is all that and very good girl but I guess it's the fear in me of letting go, but I will take your advice and learn more of what you said. Thank you so much I really appreciate your feed back.

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