Im so confuse i want to move away but am i selfish for moving away taking my daughter away from her dad and my family??? please help

Maggie - posted on 09/14/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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So let me start by saying im a single mother of a 2 year old loving baby girl, her dad and i split up when we had her, hes a very good dad help me out alot loves his daughter and helps financially with our daughter he sees her 2 a week because he works fulltime and is a full time student. hes very succesful he has a great job and is trying to go to a university. i havent had the best of look like he has im licence hair stylist but i cant work in my industry because the town i live in is to small to work in it. i work part time at a reasturant as a cashier to get me by. my daughter stays with my sisters or with my mom it just all the depends whos available or up to watching her, they all have things going on. i cant put her in daycare because i cant afford it. so thats stressful for me. and her dad does give me child support but that pays my car and my insurance and what i make pays my bills and my rent. i live paycheck to paycheck. her dad knows i struggle so he helps me out a bit more but he always throws it in my face. i just want to suceed in what i went to school for. i cant go back to college cause her dad goes and he gets financial aid because he claims her plus i have no one to leave her with cause my mom works and my sister go to school. i just want to do be happy in my liife and feel get every morning knowing im gonna get up and go to a job that i love and i have enough money to put her in a daycare and work knowing shes somewhere shes playing with kids enjoying her day till i pick her up...so i want to move away to san diego or la i now live in a little town called los banos ... ive been looking at the cost of living is expensive but i want to save money before i go out t their.. there so many hair styling jobs out there that even offer hairstyling assistant jobs that help new stylist to learn more ...and theres day cares that will help me and everything ...everything sounds good but heres when im confuse and get very deppressed and sad about ..my daughter dad dont want us to go but he wont stop he said hell help me and support us but that i better know that by me doing this im taking his daughter away and taking him the right away of seeing her as often.. that i will break his heart ..now hes trying to fix things with us to be a family but honestly i love him for being the father of my baby but i dont want to be with him he hurt very bad ..so that one thing my mother has helped me alot so has my whole family they thing im selfish for oing my mom told me if i go that she would diss own me and never speak to me again she loves my daughter and i know that but im just tired of the life im living im unhappy and it hurts me that she tells me that ..she even tells my daughters dad to convince me and not support me they tell me to move closer to san jose or something but i dont like that i want to be independent and do it all alone..im very hurt with everyones support or opinion and i feel thats not right i feel like i have no support and its breaking me and i selfish am i wrong ...am i a bad daughter or mother by doing this please help me !!!!!! give me advise !!!!!

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Francine956 - posted on 09/14/2012

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This is a tough situation Maggie. I think you really need to weigh your options. Like a " pros & cons" list. From what you have written it sounds like you just want a change in your life to better yourself. This is great, however, you also mentioned that you will have no one to help you with your young daughter. It is always easy to think the "grass is greener on the other side" so to speak. But the reality is often very different. The most important part of your decision should be what is best for your daughter. As a mother of four I had to make sacrifices for the benefit of my children. I was unable to finish college because I had my first child at a young age. After her birth, I did not want to go back to work to leave her alone. Then I had another child and so on. I didn't return to college until 7 years ago. I just finished my BA degree last May at 38 years old. Although I may have been able to do it while my children were small, it just wasn't what was best for them at that time. My situation is vastly different from yours as I had my husband, but the fact still remains that I did what was necessary to provide and put my children first. We didn't have a lot of money, but we did have help from his family and mine as far as watching the children so we could work. I didn't particularly like my job or the fact that we lived paycheck to paycheck, but we did it to provide for the kids.

Although your ex does help you and provide for your/his daughter and throws it in your face, maybe he does it because he still cares and wants to help the mother of his child. I don't agree with how your mother is approaching your possible move, but can understand that she maybe worried and this is how she is coping with this. The bottom line is to have a well thought out plan of action if you are going to do this. For example, do you already have a job lined up, a place to live, somewhere safe your daughter can be while you work? Do you know anyone in this new area? What if there is an emergency or something, will you have someone whom you trust to look after your daughter until a family member can come over to take care of her? If you have a plan and can show your family that this is going to be a positive move for you and your daughter then maybe your family will be more supportive. Lastly, don't get to upset with everyone while you are still in the possibility phase, you don't want to create distension among your family so they "disown" you before you even make the move. I hope this perspective helps a little, I will be praying for you for guidance and peace of mind in your decisions.

Bobbie - posted on 09/14/2012

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Everyone's use to your daughter being available 24/7 to them. They see you as being selfish because your future plans have not included addressing how they can stay connected with her. A To get the support you want to have from them it may require you finding solutions and alternatives for them spending time with her. This may mean that her daddy has her a full week out of every month. That you speak to your mother about her getting your daughter during that week while he is at work so she gets to see her on a regular basis. That is just an example.

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