Interracial dating

Alicia - posted on 03/20/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My daughter is almost 15 years old & she has decided to "date" (I put it that way cause she still can't go our on dates by herself she sees this boy at school & maybe at the ymca when I go to work out & she finds her friends & hangs out) a black boy. I have no issues with this I don't care if the boy is black,brown,green or blue as long as he treats my daughter like a lady I don't care. With that being said her father (my ex husband) is having a fit he is telling her that if she dates a black boy she would be soiled & no respectable white boy would ever date her & that she better notbring her boyfriend to his house & then there is my family my dad is against interracial relationships but he is trying to keep his feelings to himself & I know its hard cause out of all my aunts,uncles cousins(most of them are of minanite relgion think amish but with electricity) & so forth nobody has ever dating a black person. I am afraid my daughter is going to get hurt by everyone else cause my daughter is one of those very special people that doesn't see color at all she judges people by their charactor not the color of thier skin. How can I help my daughter with this situation cause like I feel like everybody is making a bigger deal out of this situation than what it really is. Am I the only parent to feel this way? Why am i being judge as a parent cause I have no problem with interracial dating? I am really worried about my daughter's feelings cause of her dad he is such a closed minded person & she will never get him to accept her dating a guy of any different race than white How am I as her mother suppose to help her deal with this situation when I don't understand what the big deal is to begin with. Any suggestion on how to deal with this would be a big help Thank you

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Kristi - posted on 04/20/2013

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First of all, I must say HI to Margaret! So, it sounds like things are well with your family? ; ) Alicia, Margaret is a major class act. She posted on here quite some time ago, as she stated. Well, "we" let her have it and good! Instead of getting defensive and obnoxious, she listened and she opened her mind, her home and her heart. It was really awesome to see her updates as she was letting go of her prejudice. The other really cool thing was how much respect and patience her son showed her while she was working through it, there was a little behind the scenes help from dad but to my recall her son was not disrespectful. (sometimes you feel like you get to know somebody on here and in this case Margaret was very honest and open) She's obviously raised a wonderful young man...tissues anyone? : )

Onward...Terisa, your daughter is 14. She's not marrying anybody anytime soon. But, you could put Satan, himself in front of her and watch her turn her nose up at all kinds of nasty, then you can tell her, YOU CAN'T EVER GO OUT WITH HIM! She'll be at the alter with him and six of his brothers before you finish exhaling. Are you against her being with this young man because he's a trouble maker or because he's black or because he's a black trouble maker?

***I'm not saying she doesn't deserve consequences for breaking the rules at school.*** Just be very careful how you hand down the consequences, the tone of voice, the words, everything. Teenagers love the blame game. If you all have pissed her off already by dumping on this kid then she is going to accuse you of punishing her because you don't like him. Had she been caught kissing a white boy, you all would have laughed and thought it was cute (for example). You need to ask yourself, would I have? That is an important answer. I'm kind of wondering how an interracial couple would be so hot-to-trot on forbidding another one, that in reality, given time, will likely end on its own.

My question for both of you is, what do you consider "the right thing?"

Alicia--you are giving a kid the benefit of the doubt, that's what he deserves. This isn't 1947. We're equal now. Law even says so. So, you are doing the right thing. You should help your daughter and any other human being stand up against racism and inequality. We are people first. Skin color is not a phase. This boy is probably a phase because, as I mentioned above, how long do high school romances typically last? But he's no more of a "phase" than any other high school boyfriend or crush would be.

You know how when you are born without one of your 5 senses, the others are usually stronger to make up for the it? Well, with your daughter's type of color blindness comes a greater awareness of bigotry and an unyielding strength to cope/defend/battle/ignore or do whatever she has to with it. Once you see that in her, it will be easier for you to do the same.

Many of our kids are tougher and wiser than we give them credit for by the same token some of them are weaker and dumber, too....NO, I'M JUST JOKING, trying to lighten the mood a little! ; ) IMO, there is nothing to deal with, you and your daughter keep your heads held high, knowing you are right in believing in the human race. You don't have issues, they do.

What message are you sending your children if you teach them that it's ok to be friends with black people, but not "good" friends with them...if ya know what I mean. wink, wink, nod, nod We like black people enough to say we're not racist but that's it, we are not going to love them and you can't make us. ~SMH~ I just can't get over that in 2013 we are still seeing this kind of ridiculous hatred and ignorance. Although, I suppose with people like your husband, Alicia and all of you Terisa, it's not just black people.

Thank God for our children and that they (most of them) managed to escape the teachings of hatred and fear for those that look different and may have different traditions or ways of dressing or religion, etc.

Terisa - posted on 04/16/2013

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Hi Alicia,
I am facing the same dilemma at the moment. By daughter is 14 and at first they were just friends. Now the relationship has grown. I'm confused and I do not know what direction to go in. I want her to make the right choices but not be defiant at the same time. The young man (which is also 14) has been in trouble before and I my daughter tried to lift him up when he was down. She is the type of person who likes to put people on a pedestal when they are at their lowest. So by her helping him, the relationship has bloomed. My husband does not agree and my immediate family..they feel the same way I do. But my daughter is lashing out at us saying she is never going to marry a white or an indian man and she will marry a black man. Where do I go from here? What can I say to her? I do not want her to be discouraged, but at the same time I do not want her to be defiant about the situation. She has been given a punishment at school for showing DPA (displaying public affection). They were caught hugging and the young boy kissed her on the cheek. But she turned it into a racial issue. I explained to her that it was not a racial issue but she broke the rules on campus. So any advice you can give me, I would greatly appreciate it. I thought I would google information to help me and give me an insight on what to say or do....and I found your post.

Alyssa - posted on 06/19/2014

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Shawnn,
Eleanor is actually right. There are statistics to back Eleanor up on the CDC website and federal websites. If you would like the links, I have them. It is not necessarily bigoted. That is what it is if there is hard data, which there is.

Alicia,
Your daughter likes someone. Let her date him, I know that there can be issues with family but that can happen with any person your daughter dates. You are a wonderful parent to not raise a child who is racist. I encourage you to go with what you feel is right! She is your daughter and I don't think that you should discourage her. Treat it as if it is just a simple relationship, Which it is.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/19/2014

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Wow, Eleanor, are you a bit mislead, or what? FYI, that kind of bigoted remark is NOT welcome here.

There are no statistics to back you up, and posting bullshit like that is NOT OK.

Alicia - posted on 04/17/2013

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I am taking it one day at a time right now but the more you or your husband are against it the more she will want to date him. My daughter is being sooo stubborn because of her father(we are divorced) & his stance on the matter. After she talked to him she told me I don't care what he says I am going to date him no matter what. With that being said I took out the time to invite this boy over & get to know him so she would see that my opinion of this boy was not due to his color but what time of person he is. He seemed like a nice respectful young man but I wanted to learn more about him so we have taken him with us on a few family outings now my daughter isn't sooo defiant thier relationship. By reading what you wrote I wonder if she has a problem with him being black it seems to me that she is pointing it out to everyone instead of her feeling like he is just a boy & seeing the problem with her gettin in trouble for DPA at school. She needs to understand that it's not that he is black & she is white it is because she broke the rules. My daughter never points out the fact that her boyfriend is black she actually gets mad at me if I point it out because to her he is just a boy. As for her saying she is never going to marry a white man or an Indian man you just need to blow that off she is 14 she doesn't know what her future holds. Everybody is on my back saying what are you going to do if she marries a black guy & my response is what if she does she is 14 it could be a phase she is going through. If I was you I would stand up for my daughter cause by me doing so she understands that no matter what I will support her even if it is something I really don't like. Show her that you are willing to at least give the boy a chance. I hope this helped cause I am in no way sure I am doing the right thing all I can do is hope I am

Alicia - posted on 03/22/2013

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Thanks Margaret I never dating a black man cause of my father but in all reality I never liked a black man enough to stand up to all the bs that I knew would come with it. I know my daughter has a long road ahead of her with alot of people not accepting her descisions but I know that if this boy treats her right I won't have a problem with his color & I will be ther for her. I am going to meet this boy this weekend & I really hope he is all my daughter says he is I will let you know

Margaret - posted on 03/21/2013

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Hi,
I expect I can give you some encouragement and hope for the future.
I'll start with "Been there/Done that", except I was the narrow-minded fool having to stare reality in the face, a much darker face then I had ever anticipated.
Our children's generation, in general, is a lot more open minded then our parents generation (and ours) and a lot more willing to confront narrow-mindedness then we ever will be. They will be around longer then us and a lot longer then our parents and they will shape the future.
Your daughter's feelings may get hurt, a bit, by your ex and other kin. However, she's probably a lot more aware of their opinions on matters of race then you give her credit for. Though take some (a lot of) credit yourself for instilling in her the strength to shape her own opinions. To your daughter, the opinions that matter more are those of her peers and I bet to most of them skin tone is just another aspect of what makes up a person.
As you said, your own father has reservations, I would guess likely shaped by his generational background. He at least has the good sense to keep his mouth shut, perhaps knowing that grumbling wouldn't change anything and he'd just look like a jerk. 25 years ago that would not have been the case.
I grew up very sheltered, I didn't meet a black person till I went to college, I didn't have a conversation with one till my husband-to-be, then a Navy officer, introduced me to the man who would be the Best Man at our wedding. My parents were appalled, to this day my mother still hasn't forgiven my husband for placing a black man into every single one of our wedding pictures. I was confused myself but I learned to accept that my husband's background and upbringing was a lot more diverse. I accepted that my husband had a strong bond with this particular black man, the type of bond that can only be forged by serving together in war and in great peril.
Flash forward nearly two decades. Bill, my husbands best friend and comrade in arms, retired from the Marines and joined my husbands business. He then married, with my husband standing up as his Best Man. His daughter was born about 7 months after our son came into the world.
That daughter will most likely become our daughter-in-law.
My mother is not pleased....

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