Is it ok to allow my 14 y.o. daughter's 16 y.o. boyfriend to spend one night on the sofa prior to an event with our family?

Teri - posted on 03/20/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

3

0

0

I have a 14-year-old 9th grade daughter who has a 16-year-old 10th grade boyfriend. This is her first "real" boyfriend. He lives across the state (5-1/2 hour drive away). They communicate via Facetime and texting. He comes over to our side of the state for a martial arts activity with his parents about once per month and this is when they get together for less than a day to hang out. They are always supervised. This is my question: He will be coming over in two weeks to participate in a martial arts demonstration that my family will also be participating in. I am ok with him spending one night with our family prior to doing the demonstration the next day. He will spend half the day with my daughter at the demonstration then leave to go back with his parents later that day. I thought it would be ok for him to sleep on the couch the night prior. My husband is against this idea. Am I being too permissive by suggesting that he stay the one night? Or is this a bad idea? They will not be unsupervised and would sleep in different rooms. Any helpful thoughts? Also, his parents will be in a hotel, so he could just stay with them and we would pick him up at the hotel on the same day as the demonstration. My daughter and her boyfriend would get to spend about 7 hours together with our family on the day of the demonstration. Thanks for your thoughts!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Lakota - posted on 03/21/2013

710

0

192

Hi, Teri. I agree with Iris and your husband. Let him stay at the hotel with his parents.

Tracy - posted on 03/22/2013

207

5

2

For me it would depend on how they interact with each other. If it's more of a "he's my boyfriend but we act more like best friends" kind of relationship then I might be ok with it with MAJOR supervision (maybe me even sleeping in the same room with my daughter that night once bedtime hit). But if it's more intimate or romantic with long hugs, a stolen kiss here and there, or things of that nature then I would probably have to say no. Some kids are more mature is what I suppose I'm trying to say. My son is very much a gentleman and should I have ever allowed a girlfriend to stay the night (he's 16 now), I know he's mature enough to maybe have the "I wanna cuddle" kind of night. If that makes any sense. At 14 he would have been the same. His current girlfriend and him cuddle on the couch and talk of marriage. No way, as much as we love this girl and hope they make it as a couple, would I allow her to stay the night short of life and death situation. However, my best friend's boys are 13 and 12 and are far less mature than my son was at that age. Oh they notice girls but they are still in the "let's play some xbox and legos together" kind of stage. I could see maybe letting a girlfriend stay the night in that case (with close supervision and for a REASON such as the family event you listed above).

All that sounds really complicated. sorry! :) Basically, if they are a "let's hang out and play together" kind of relationship then I don't see much of a problem as long as it's explained it's a one time thing simply for the even and lots of supervision. But if they are a romantic kind of relationship then I probably wouldn't allow it.

Hannah - posted on 03/22/2013

9

0

0

I think he can stay at the hotel with his parents. They can be together during the day, but there's no need that he sleeps at your house- they need to be in separate rooms, so there's no need for him to stay at your house anyway.

Iris - posted on 03/20/2013

2

0

1

I agree with your husband to be honest with you. 14 to me is still too young be dating a 16 year old, their mentality is different from each other. It's sad that our kids are no longer enjoying their childhood. I think your 14 year daughter should focus in school, if he's the one for her he'll wait until she's done with school. But then again it's just my opinion, I've seen too many pregnant teens and it breaks my heart, because parents wants to be friends first before parents. Good luck, hope it whatever you decide works for you.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

6 Comments

View replies by

Iris - posted on 03/21/2013

2

0

1

It's true times had changed, that kids that are younger than 14 are dating. But just because times are changing, does not mean that their childhood should be taken away. Our job as parents is to make sure we keep our kids to be kids and remain their innocence. I have a 10 year old and an 8 year old, there are certain things they don't need to learn at their age. I put restrictions on there IPad, and on my Dish Network I block certain ratings that they don't need to see at their age. I think it starts at home, in school other kids say things not are not their age appropriate my kids come to me and we talk about it during dinner. I have an open communication with my kids, but it's my job to make sure they enjoy their childhood. Childhood is being shorten, because "times have changed" it's not time that has changed it's "parenting." My daughter is a gifted child and my son is a straight A student in school and I'm blessed to say that my kids are such kids and I'm enjoying every minute of it. Now when My daughter is 16 she'll be a senior in High School, that's the time she's allow to date. My son will have the same rules. Let's go back in time when kids were kids....it's possible....we can do it. I truly, truly wish you the very best.

Teri - posted on 03/20/2013

3

0

0

Hi Iris,

Thank you for your reply. Times have changed so much. Kids are having boyfriends and girlfriends even earlier than my daughter's age. She's very focused in school, gets good grades, is involved in leadership, cheer, martial arts, violin, and choir. She's made good choices so far. I trust her, but I agree with you to not to be a "best friend" and to be the parent and when to draw the line and set boundaries. I have two older sons and they were much older when they started dating. We are in new territory with our daughter.

Thank you for your insight.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms