Is it wrong to read texted messages?

Laura - posted on 03/08/2016 ( 9 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 15 soon-to-be 16 just started dating a boy. I wasn't too happy about the boy she's dating. My daughter tells me she's going to wait till she's married before she has sex. But something just tells me to be concerned I have had to talk I have gone over all the scenarios being pressured being in the moment being prepared so I read her phone and saw exactly what I thought was happening. She hasn't had sex yet but he really is putting the pressure on. He seems to be very very experienced. They've only been dating for about two weeks and they're already saying I love you. I am really concerned at the pace that this relationship is going. And her stand that if I tell her she can't see him it will just make matters worse. I feel really guilty for invading her privacy but I felt I had to

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Helena - posted on 03/09/2016

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I always wonder how parents get access to their teen's texts. Did she give you her password? If she doesn't want you to read her texts, why wouldn't she just change her password?
I also have a 15-yo daughter who just started seeing a boy. I WANT to read her texts, but I don't have access. And I don't want to ask her for her password because she'll just delete the texts she doesn't want me to read. And there are a million apps out there that let them chat online without texting. So I just think it'll be too hard for me to keep up if she decides to evade me. So instead, I've tried really hard to convince my fiercely private daughter to confide in me more. I've been fairly successful so far (it's been only about a week). And to keep her talking, I have decided to let her do what she wants, as long as I can help make it safe physically and emotionally.
In your case, I think you already know that she is going to have sex soon. So, if you don't want to be a grandma, you should make sure that she has all the tools she needs to have safe sex.

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Helena - posted on 03/11/2016

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Laura,
If you do decide to get her password and read her texts (the ones she doesn't delete anyway), you should know that there are many ways for her to communicate online without using texts.
My 15-yo daughter and her boy usually exchange tens of texts a day, since they started casually seeing each other about 3 months ago. Yesterday I noticed that they had not exchanged one single text. I thought something was up. Then late last night, I saw that he posted a super cute pic of the two of them at an Athletic Awards dinner the previous night. Two weeks ago, he had taken off all her pictures from his instagram due to a disagreement over the "status" of their relationship. So the fact that he put her back on was a big deal. They must have come to some sort of agreement over their status. Serious negotiations went on yesterday, but obviously not over texts. I think maybe over instagram or snapchat. But it could be something else too. So just be aware that if she knows you are reading, she may decide to get a few secret social media accounts for the sort of private communication you most want to read.

Raye - posted on 03/11/2016

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As Dove said... if they didn't want me to see it... it shouldn't be said in the first place.
Parents NEED to be monitoring their kids usage of internet, computer, phone, video games, tablets, etc. In this age, they can get into very adult situations without realizing how it will affect their lives. As Evelyn pointed out, if they start sending revealing photos, that is called CHILD PORN and is a FELONY. They may think it's innocent and flirty, but it could ruin their lives. Even if what they do didn't get them in trouble with the feds, it could get passed around at school and ruin their reputation, or put on social media that some potential employer finds while doing a background check and keeps them from getting a good job. Nothing on the internet, texts, apps, etc. is ever really private. It's all on servers in the "cloud". Don't let your kids fuck up their future because their parents were too shy to look over their shoulder and teach them respect for and responsibility with technology.

Laura - posted on 03/10/2016

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Thank you . She will be 16 in 2 months . Things happen very fast . I felt conflicted because my mother never gave me privacy she went though everything of mine . I knew how it felt.
My daughter is a smart girl and I thought we had an open and trusting relationship . I need to tell her I read the texts and I know what is going on , because when I ask about the relationship she lies to me . I remember that intense passion that takes you over when you have you first real boyfriend . Things are just moving really fast " I love you" already . i don't know how to slow the train down . The boyfriend can only come to our home she will not be going to his house when the parents allow them to go into his room . I want to gain her trust and know I am alway here , and yes I always tell my kids there is nothing they can ever do to make me not love them . Thank you for your words.

Laura - posted on 03/09/2016

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If I don't have the password she spent have a phone. Yes she has deleted messages , however I just got lucky . I believe in giving respect for privacy. That's why I felt so guilty. Times have changed our mother could Liston in on our phone calls , find our notes. At least my mom did . My ex husband tells me as long as I am paying the bill I should have access to her phone . I decided to use what I read to her advantage , I know that even though his parents are home they are in his bedroom! So he can hangout here from now on . I know she is thinking about having sex so I can ask her if we should talk about birth control. I just saw a YouTube video on how to unlock a password on the I phone .

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