Is this abuse by teen?

Ann - posted on 09/08/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been married for 29 years. Our marriage has failed over the last 6 years and we have one son who is 13, and an only child. He has felt the effects of this failure as well, but we stay together living in the same house, but separated. However, my son seems to hate me. I mean really hate me. He yells at me every day, many times. He tells me I'm annoying, tells me to shush!, to go away, he doesn't want to see my face, and more some days than that. It is a barrage of words from the son I gave birth to. Today, even was about to say, "you are a piece of sh..." but then stopped himself, over my saying 3 words - "Use toothpaste please." Even if I ask him to brush his teeth after several days, he will blow up and tell me what a horrible mother I am. My husband has never disicplined our son for disrespect, and due to the nature of our marriage, my husband has declared that he doesn't need me or want me around as well. It's 2 against 1. I have to stay in my room most of the time and not speak, or else I'm ignored or told to go away, by one or both. Is this abuse? We are in counseling, and I have offered forgiiveness (no affairs, just lies, pain, severe lack of communication) apologies, classes, retreats; and my husband wants none of it. It's very sad, but I'm more sad that my son carries around such anger and bitterness for me instead of dealing with his pain. Some days it's more pain than I can bear. I am a Christian woman who believes in the power of prayer. I have also been told to keep my mouth shout and let God deal with this situation. What do other Moms do - do you help your teen sons out, do you remind them to brush their teeth, or am I micromanaging? I have to watch what I say and do constantly. I think this is a deeper issue.

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Ann - posted on 09/11/2013

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Lynnn - I appreciate your comments greatly. And I believe you are right. He does deserve a medal. I told myself I would never have my child grow up in the same dysfunctional home I did, and now he has to endure the same. I stay in the home because I am his mother. I love his father, and have said I would do whatever it takes to save the marriage, however, he chooses not to. I don't want to leave my son. He is my first priority. As far as unity, my husband chooses not to save the marriage but says that I don't have to leave. I can stay in the home and live separately. It's a very difficult situation.

Lynn - posted on 09/10/2013

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It is sad to see a marriage come to such a point, but there is so much pain in your home. Sometimes people come to a point in there life when they need change and it seems you and your husband have reached this point. Each of you are tired and leading separate lives under one roof. Of course, you don't want to give up, but there comes a time when you have to let situations/people go.
Counseling is great, but it only helps if everyone is willing and there doesn't appear to be willingness here. Unity is about being in agreement.
Don't blame your son. He is a teen going through his own changes plus dealing with the emotional strain of his parents. This boy deserves a medal. Your son isn't being abusive, he is just trying to cope and blow off steam.

Enna - posted on 09/09/2013

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I think it's verbal abuse. Unfortunately, I don't really think there's anything you can do about it. You have to demand respect or you won't get it. It sounds like you've been letting both of them get away with it. I think you've tried just about everything you can with your husband. If your son is hearing him talk down to you, then your son's only going to get worse.
If neither of them wants you there, then why stay? I understand wanting to be a good Christian woman, and I think looking to God for help is good. But I also think you need to move out. It is a terrible situation if you have to stay in your own room inside your house because of them. This treatment of you isn't going to get any better if the other two don't care.
As far as the toothpaste thing goes, my daughter is 13 and I don't usually remind her to use toothpaste. She has braces though, so I do remind her to floss and make sure she checks her braces to see if there's anything caught in them. She just rolls her eyes at me. I think a 13 year old is old enough to take care of their own teeth, but I think a mom has the right to remind them to do whatever they need to do. If you keep reminding him of silly things though, it's going to make him feel like you think he's incompetent. And no one likes feeling like that. How would you feel if your mom called every night and reminded you to use toothpaste? I know that's silly, but it would get irritating. But I seriously doubt you would tell your mom she's a piece of sh.. for reminding you. He's definitely got some issues that need to be worked out.
I don't want you to feel like you're the bad guy here though. If they are treating you badly, then they are wrong. It sounds like you are doing what you can. You don't deserve to be treated badly, and I think the best thing you can do is move out. Either they're going to miss you and feel sorry about it, or they're going to be OK with it and at least you won't have to live day in and day out being treated badly at your own home.

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