Just kicked my 18 yr old son out of the house :(

Jennyf2 - posted on 06/25/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I can't believe it has come to this point but I can no longer handle it. My son has always been the popular kid--sports, great friends, hang out house, etc.. A few years ago his attitude slightly changed (talking back, eye rolling, etc), I chalked it up to a typical teenage boy. Last year he threw a party when I was gone & we had open & honest time-- this is when I learned (already had an idea) he drinks, smokes pot, sex. I have talked to many parents & this seems to be the norm (at least in our area). A few months ago he & his friend were sitting in his car smoking pot & rec'd a citation from the police--grounded, etc.. The last few months his behaivor has been OUT OF CONTROL...mouthy, quite his job, no ambition, punching things when out drinking with his friends, spent his entire savings ($1,300), & now slowing spending his graduation money. This all came to light the other day & his dad & I (we are not together) were going to talk to him & give him his options-- stop drinking/smoking, etc & we will help you anyway we can or you are gone. Well that did not go over well at all, as soon as we told him what we were going to talk about he left. He called me every name in the book & then some, he has NEVER called me a name on his life! I lost it, I broke down & cried & cried and told him to leave. He went to my sisters house so I know he is safe. He told her he knows he has anger issues but he doesn't know why & he knows he takes it out on me. He is very stubborn & always has been. Where do I go from here. I cannot forgive the things he said to me- I cant eat, sleep, they keep replaying in my head :( Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks..

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Elizabeth - posted on 07/09/2012

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Forgive him, it will ease your heart, but I am with Janet there, Stand your ground. Tough love isn't the easiest one to dish out but sometimes it is necessary. Make sure your sister gives him no money. When he runs out, it will be do or die time. He will make a choice. He's eighteen, if he hasn't learned that there are consequences for his actions...its time.

Send your son a letter about how you feel, with some literature on an anger management class or the name of a good counselor....then you and your husband go out, have a meal at your favorite place, have a nap and a cup of tea, and put this at the feet of God. You can't fix him, only your son can do that for himself, but he has to want to and you can not give him that desire. It comes from inside.

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Terri - posted on 07/18/2017

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Thank you all for sharing your story. Mine is similar so I won't rehash (weed, disrespect, counselors, repeated boundary setting, etc.) I put my 18 year old out 2 days ago after he stood toe to toe, chest to chest with me and refused to move, posturing as if he may strike me. It got physical as he began to yell and scream and my 5'2" inch frame pushed him off of me because at that point I felt threatened. His rage was higher than anything I've seen in the past and I refuse to live with his unpredictability. I have a 13 year old who was afraid that someone was going to die that day and it is not fair for him to have to live like that. I've never raised my boys in chaos and I will not start living like that now. I am concerned about my child as he is not prepared to live on his own. However, I have done all I can do and this was ultimately his choice. I pray that God be with all of us and that the enemy's hold will be released from all of our children.

Divina - posted on 09/07/2015

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I'm so glad I'm not alone. Praying for all of us. I'm hurting right now. Reading every single post in here. But I'm still very hurt. My son is 21! He was always sweet, very polite until he start smoking weed! He's irresponsible with his money. Told him things to do to help his situation better and refuses. I don't know what to do anymore! Just have to make him leave the house. That happened today! I pray I'll have my loving son back.

Angie - posted on 07/09/2012

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When I went through a tough time with my oldest (he was 17, he is now almost 21), he said some hurtful things that I never expected from him. One of the things that helped me get through it was we tend to go after or hurt the ones we love the most. He was just as scared and confused about the situation as I was; however, he was younger and not as mature to handle it the way he needed to. When he moved back, that was one of the 1st things he apologized for and had to ask...Mom, I know I said some hurtful things...how in the world did you stay so calm? Me staying calm about it helped him to be able to come to me when he finally calmed down.

I think our kids growing up is just as hard on them as it is on us. It's adjustments on both sides and it is a very careful balance of responsibilities and expectations, but ultimately it's your home and you have to be comfortable in it. My motto is I will help you as long as you are helping yourself. An adult child living at home must be doing something full time, must contribute to the home with chores, and must extend courtesy/communication to others in the home. I will not be a flop house, open-door in/out place to crash.

I know you are hurting right now, but try, try, try to remember, he is young, he does ultimately look to you for guidance, and our job as parents is not to necessarily do everything they want us to, but to show them how to be responsible and respectable young adults. Try to communicate with him by email at first...express your feelings, express your hurt...I can almost guarantee money he's hurting as well (but might be a little too stubborn to show it)...Best of luck to you :))

Janet - posted on 06/27/2012

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I know you think you cannot forgive him for the things he said, but you are his mother. WE are supposed to live, raise kids, forgive, love unconditionally, and act like everything people say to us, about us, and at us is not supposed to bother us. We just forgive, and forgive, and forgive.

It sounds like you have had a pretty good kid up until recently, you say he has never spoken to you this way before. I believe you NEED to stand your ground, he NEEDS to get help, but YOU NEED to forgive him. Not for him, but for YOU. You may not be able to forget the things he has said to you, the names he called you, but the longer you hold on to it, and not give him forgiveness, the more power those words have over your heart. It can keep you two separated over one incident for a long time. Trust me, he is just 18, that can be a long, long time, and you will ache for him, every day, until you can reconcile. I can tell you still love and care about him, or you wouldn't have worried about his safety when he left, but you may have to make the first step in reconciliation and forgive. He still needs his mom, even though he may not think so.

He needs to be able to know, even when you stand your ground and do not approve of all he does in his life, but that you are there, and will always be there for him. When he is ready to get help, step up and take responsibility for his own actions, he needs to know you are there. Waiting.

Jrzymom - posted on 06/27/2012

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It sounds like the drugs and alcohol are taking their toll on him. Is there any way you could place him into a treatment facility for drugs and/or alcohol? Counseling for his anger? I know you can't force him to go because of his age, but maybe find out the information and pass it along to him.

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