Kids

Nina - posted on 09/04/2016 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I have 3 kids ages 23,20,18 im a single mom. Today my 23 and 20 year old got in a ver ugly, and physical altercation, with me in the middle trying to calm down.After all was set and done my 3 kids turned on me because i dont take sides. They all decided to leave the house because in their own words im wrong for not deciding on who side im in. I try to explain to them over and over im a mom i dont take sides i try to listen and understand everyones sife so we can work it out. Now im alone with my kids hating me and trying to understanf where, what i did wrong as my kids were growing up? I dont have family, close frienfs or even a partner to listen or to vent with. I guess thats what brought me here, looking to vent.

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Elaine - posted on 09/06/2016

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Hi Nina, I am so sorry! It had to be so so hard to see your children get so angry with each other and use their hands on each other. This is heartbreaking for a Mom, we love our children deeply and we want to see them respect and care for each other. How they reacted is often how teenagers and young adults handle their frustration; rather than take responsibility for their behavior, they use their parents as the scapegoat. If they can blame YOU, they can take the focus off of themselves. They knew they acted badly, most teenagers and young adults know this. But "owning" their behavior is a process and it doesn't always happen at this stage of their lives. You acted as most parents would but you were in a "lose-lose" situation. If you took a side, you would have received a lot of anger from the one whose side you did not take. If you did not take a side, you receive angry from everyone because they are looking for you to be the referee. You are not the referee! You are the mother! You did not start the argument, so it is irrational for your children to think you could end it! It is their job to figure it out and find a solution. At this point, blame is not what really matters. Emotions were running high and nothing you did or said would have helped. They needed to calm down and then talk to each other in a respectful way. Do not let them rent space in your head! Do not take on what is not yours! This is their problem to fix!! You did not do anything wrong! You did not go wrong in raising them. You did the best you could with the tools you had. I am sure you taught them right from wrong, respect from disrespect, love over hate. The rest is up to them. Be gentle with yourself. Hang strong! They may not acknowledge their unkind behavior toward you now, but they will get it later in life.

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Eager - posted on 09/08/2016

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Nina, you definitely sound like a very caring mother and you’re doing a great job but not taking sides. I am so sorry to hear about your kids, and I agree to what Elaine said. Also, I think it would be a good idea if you can just ignore them for now. Once they calm down you can have them sit down and talk to them about your concerns and expectations regarding their behavior – may be it can help. I just hope that you will quickly find a solution to this situation. I’ll certainly be praying for you. Hugs!

Gail - posted on 09/07/2016

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Your children are adults and I'm sure they know what they did was wrong. And it may have been the only way for them to break lose from their motherly bond, a necessary part of life. It is up to them to move on with their lives and you to do the same. Go take a cruise or watch a good movie or anything else that you might enjoy. Joining a women's group at a local church or organization may be a good outlet for you. All the best with your new life with an empty nest. You can live through this as many of us have.

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