Lying 13 yr old, feel so lost

Chanty - posted on 10/10/2012 ( 1 mom has responded )

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Tonight i went through my daughters phone messages. I told her when i gave her the phone it was my phone and i will look fromtime to time ( same with her e-mail and facebook). I want to keep her safe, it's not so i have my nose in her business. So i found out the other night she lied to me she didn't go to her friends house she went to meet a boy. I even asked that night if she had and she still lied right to my face. He texed her that he could still smell her on him. I'm hoping it was her perfume and not something else.



She asked me last week if she could date. I told her she could,but she had to be open and honest about it or i'd put the lid back on that .So now she was to have her first date in 2 days and now i told her no, she knew why. I feel horrible! I"m a young mom i remember how important those relationships were, but at the same time she is being careless and stupid so i'm not cool with it anymore. It's soo hard to figure out where to draw that line. There is no clear answer because all 13 year old are different.



I also found out she was sneeking out in the middle of the night with the 18 year old next door neighbour for walks ( he is a well toned young man with a nice face). I don't think they are doing anything, my concern is the sneeking out to meet people in the middleof the night. I put new door alarms on the doors and window she can get out but they chime loudly when you open the door..lol. I just feel brokenhearted. I don't wan to come down on her but she pushed the limits way too far.



Any advise? She is way too wise beyond her years, She'e the kind of 13 year old everyone thinks is much older. She has alot of responsibilities and she's pretty good with most of them. She's smart at school , but rude with the teachers.God i didn't know how to deal with me at 13 and she's me all over again!! HELP

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Francine956 - posted on 10/11/2012

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Chanty, 13 year old girls are going through so many changes. I am a mom of two girls who are now 19 and 17 and also a teacher who has experience with middle school and high age teens. You have done the right thing by keeping an eye on her and the technology that has made our kids grow up way too fast. Regardless of how mature and how great of a girl she is, she is still only 13! There is NO reason why she should be going out with an 18 year old young MAN. Besides the fact that it is illegal, it is down right wrong. I strongly believe 13 is too young to have a boyfriend. My girls were not allowed to have a boyfriend or date until 16. Why 16? I don't know, I guess we felt once she started driving it would be harder to keep her from dating. Luckily, we have two amazing daughters who have accepted our rules and respected our parenting.

You made a good point about understanding how important relationships are at this age from your own experiences. However, I think the times have changed and young teens are being exposed to way too much and expected to act older than they are. Peer pressure is so strong among this age group because everyone wants to be accepted.

My only advice is to discuss your concerns with her, she will probably be upset and give you an attitude as if you don't understand and she will probably be thinking she is going to do it anyway. Well you have two choices, either allow it or forbid it. If you allow it, I would set specific boundaries and if she breaks them then she will lose the right. The boundaries may include things like she can only go to his house if his parents are home and you confirm it and vice versa, they can only go out if it is in a group and you know where they are and who is going AND I would be sure to add that you WILL check up on occasion to see if she is doing what she said. Most importantly, I would make sure she knew the boy had to be her age. Explain why,the legal aspect, the expectations, etc.

If you decide to forbid it, be sure to be ready for a fight. You will probably have to be even more active in her email, texting, etc. she probably will try to do things behind your back and you will have to check up on her more often. I did this with one of my daughter's and it was a rough 6 months, but in the long run it was worth it because she realized we weren't t going to give in and only wanted what was best for her. Besides the relationship typically doesn't last that long anyway at this age.

From what you have said, you are doing everything possible to protect her. I completely understand the feeling of being broken hearted. That is the hardest part of being a parent. Even though we feel sad, we have to keep in perspective the realities of what these teens are capable of doing. If we give too much freedom that can result in several different scenarios; pregnancy, drugs, alcohol, etc. you know your daughter best and will be able to judge what the right boundaries should be and even if you need to adjust them as you go, you will still be better off than just giving in to her WANTS, not her needs.

I hope my parental insight has shed some light on this for you.

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