Meeting your biological child and starting your new relationship.

Shannon - posted on 12/04/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I find myself strugling with this whole thing,I expeirience tons of guilt and shame so as a result of this i find i'm willing to allow him to slack off with his personal responsibilities and i do the work for him.Then make excuses to my boyfriend to as why its o.k knowing full well its not the right thing to do.I accept little lies and do whatever it takes to make the situation right,so he doesnt get caught and be embarased.The worst thing is that i am aware of the fact that its not good parenting when you look at the big picture, but i feel sooooo guilty about giving him up for adoption even though in my heart i know i did the right thing for everyone involved.I loved him then and i love him now but i'm starting to feel like he is using my guilt as a weapon and its hard for me because i'm aware that i'm the one whos allowing it!If anyone reads this and can relate i'm so open to suggestions.PLEASE HELP!! Sincerely;STRUGGLING

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[deleted account]

Hello:

I can understand the "GUILT" issue. I myself had given my child up for adoption at birth too, it was an "Open Adoption". He is now 15 and he came to live with us for several months recently because his adopted mother had enough of his disrespectful behavior. While he was with us we made a huge change in him. But we sent him back home because he was doing well and he was ready. BUT THE ONE THING I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU, is I had always felt "GUILTY" for the decisions I made to place him for adoption. I also always regreted the decisions I made and wished I had made a different decision since the day I had to hand him over to his adoptive parents in the hospital. But what I did learn while he lived with us was bitter sweet, I learned that he is somebody else's child. He was raised by another family with different values and I cannot get upset with myself for his decisions. I can only guide him in the right direction and make sure he is aware of right vs wrong and let him know that I love him and I will always be here for him, and he is welcomed in my house and treated no differently than my other kids and he has to follow our rules while in our home. He did respect that. I hope you find the peace in yourself as I did just recently. Please let me know if I can help you.... Jackie

Monique - posted on 12/11/2009

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Don't let hime do that. Talk to him and tell him although you have suffered greatly it is not right for him to make you suffer more. I was adopted and I SO WISH I could just see my birth mom one time even. I've longed for her my whole life. You son is very luckly.

Tracey - posted on 12/11/2009

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Hi Shannon, You sound like you need a big hug, honey! Just know that you are not alone - so many of us struggle with issues like this with our teenagers.
It sounds like you've got a lot of work to do and it just seems too overwhelming to know where to start? How old is your boy? What ages did the adoption scenario play out?

[deleted account]

He is definitely old enough to be accountable for himself, so make him. Sounds like you care but he is the one that has to want this. No matter how bad you do, it is all on him now. With moms support of course.

[deleted account]

It sounds like he knows your weakness and is using it against you. If you really love him you should tell him why you did it. How things have changed and that you now are ready to be the responsible parent. You know he is doing wrong so be a parent and guide him on how to things properly. Small lies aren't evil, but a lot of them added up can be a large explosion. Make him be responsible like you were when you gave him up. You knew it was best at the time and you did it. The same applies to now. Good luck, its never easy.

13 Comments

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Shannon - posted on 12/10/2009

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i'd just like to start out by saying thank you to everyone for their comments , prayers ,and suggestions they have all been so helpful and encouraging. my son has dropped a new bomb today and it is that he took all the money he received from social services to pay rent at a structured living house for teens transitioning into adulthood and bought cocain and now has no money and wants to come back to my house!what do i do i can't beleive this crap its christmas time so i feel sooooo much guilt,i have to think about his siblings and keep them safe too i absolutly don't want that around them or under my roof for that matter, at the same time i love him so much i can't just abandon him in his time of need. any prayers and suggestions will be greatly appreciated.thanks ladies Happy Holidays i pray for you and your families.

KATHY JO - posted on 12/10/2009

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LOOK--YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN WITH HIM AND TALK WITH HIM --IS HE STAYIN' WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?? IF SO-GIVE RULES-BE TOUGH-I HAVE 3 STRIKES OUT- -IF HE IS AN ADULT-GIVE HIM GOALS--JOB-LICENSES-HIGH SCHOOL EDUCATION- APARTMENT-IF HE NEEDS TO SAVE $ FOR THINGS THEN SHOW HIM HOW ITS DONE-CHARGE RENT- SHOW HIM SOME RESPONSIBILITY! IT MIGHT SOUND CRUEL-BUT ITS REALITY. I HAVE 3 GROWN CHILDREN.

Julie - posted on 12/09/2009

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May I ask what he is doing wrong? My son is 27, is bi-polar, has a hard time holding down a job so my dear husband takes him to work with him. It is going to stay that way until he gets a job somewhere else because he will not be allowed to sleep all day like he would like to. He is responsible in taking his meds. so I am thankful there. I put him up for adoption when he was four and looked him up when he was 17. He had already been kicked out of his biological parents several times by then. We have kept in touch thru the years, but he had some wild times he needed to play out and I was not going to have it in my home. I will not put up with much. I will be praying for you.

KATHY JO - posted on 12/09/2009

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My real mother left when I was about 3 years old- if the child is of age now and he knows everything, I think that you should leave it up to him 'cause with the age that he is- he is going through alot-do you understand where I am coming from??? I don't really know my real mother-my children only know her as XXXX not as their grandmother. sometimes I wonder what life would have been with her in it. My mother now is my childrens only nanna. They think the world of her. So, I think that you should leave it up to him to decide whether or not and when the time is right to see the birth mother.

Kelly - posted on 12/07/2009

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19 omg how long did spend enabling him. guilt is a terrible thing. my step son was reunited with his mom at 11, he'd been with me since age 2. me and bio-momkept a good communication, once reunited. but her mistake was treating him special as the weekend son. i understand trying to make up for lost time but it set her up (as well as me) for the minipulation. is he serious about participating in his services? his job search doesn't speak positively. at 16 mine went to residential and was awol within 10 days. but that's a case of wanabe gang banger. what are the adoptive mom thoughts. her input should be your best advice. history usually dictates future. i hope she was a good mom to him and someone who appreciates you. she's the key, i'm sure she can see his behavior for what it is ,unlike you due to the blinding guilt.

Shannon - posted on 12/06/2009

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he is 19yrs old.tuesday is the big day he is supposed to move into a structured living facility for transitioning youth to adulthood,he has had two weeks to find employment or get funding in place,now its two days away and from what i can see he has'nt got either. now what do i do i can't just put him in the streets.i've spent the past two weeks looking for employment oprotunities,talking with social services,and other avenues of assistance to help him on his way. i am scared that tuesday will get here and i won't get my bedroom back because he will still have no plan of action in place for himself!

Dana - posted on 12/04/2009

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How old is he? STOP and if he walks away he was never there for your love and support to begin with. He will know you are doing the right thing start out by first saying your sorry for doing what you have been doing and that is was and is wrong and you will not do it again instead you will hold him responsible. Be his mother not his friend you love him and thus hold him accountable. I pray all works out

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