Mom now also a step-mom

Richele - posted on 06/19/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I have a 17 year old son and now i am a stepmom of a 14 year old girl. Her father asked me to help him with the issues she has so against my better judgment i agreed knowing that this will turn around on myself and it did now I have him and his mother talking behind my back infront of his daughter. Help Please

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Lula - posted on 06/19/2013

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Failing a class is not the same as posting half naked pics of yourself on social websites. As such, the consequences are different. I would hope your husband would be in on the consequences doled out to his stepson for failing the class and that it wasn't a secret from everyone but you your son. By the same token, if your son was posting half naked pics of himself online, I'm sure the punishment would be the same as the one for your stepdaughter.
It sounds like your family is still going thru growing pains of a mixed family. It's never easy, but when it comes to the kids, you and your husband have to come up with house rules that you stick by that apply to each child equally while they're under your roof. You and your husband need to have a sit down about what happened when his mother interfered too. If not, the undermining is likely to continue which will make you all resent one another. If you trust each other to make the best decisions for your kids together, he needs to ask his mother to respect that and not give unasked for commentary or opinions and that while he knows she did a really good job raising him, she needs to let you two raise your kid yourselves as you see fit. He can also let her know that if you two feel you need advice, the two of you would definitely come to her. So grandma needs to know you two are a united front too.

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Richele - posted on 06/19/2013

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I am sick inside because I know this young lady is going down the wrong road and all I want to do is help her and everyone around is not allowing that. how do you just sit back and watch it happen.

Richele - posted on 06/19/2013

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Yes we have taken all that away. i just called his mother and said I need to clear the air and told her how them gaining up on me has hurt more then just myself, i explained how I have said nothing for awhile and what has happened since i have stopped having any say. She said that she is sorry I feel this way and how I have been so good for her granddaughter and son. She said to me she thought i may have double standards for my stepdaughter then I have for my own son because he failed a class and they were not aware of the consicunces that I had set out for him. I said if you have questions come to me rather then talking behind my back.

Lula - posted on 06/19/2013

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If you haven't already done it, has dad considered taking all the electronics away and have her shutdown her facebook, Twitter and other accounts? Electronics, access to these sites, and privileges to post on them are just that - privileges. That would be step one. Finding out why she is doing this is step two, getting her some help is step three.
If your husband didn't agree with your strategy and tactics, why didn't he say something sooner? Could it be a case of stepdaughter running to grandma claiming you're being so unfair keeping her from posting to her friends online etc. and grandma sticking her nose in influencing your husband? It wouldn't be the first time this happened in the history of the world. IMO, Grandma needs to step out and only be a shoulder your stepdaughter can cry on.
You and your husband need to get on the same page and decide what the next steps to take with her are. Since her mom is not in the picture, you and your husband will need to stand firm on your rules and make sure your stepdaughter understands that you two are a united parental front and that she can't manipulate either of you. She needs to understand that her online behavior is unacceptable and needs to stop and won't be tolerated. If you take the electronics and the social sites away, you'll need to make sure she doesn't have access in other locations to continue her behavior. Any interaction with enablers in her life need to be very limited until the situation is truly under control. This includes grandma. Grandma also needs to be aware of what is happening (including exactly what she's posting even though its embarrassing) and what the new rules are for your stepdaughter.
I agree with Whitney that her dad will need to be the lead in this and be the one to do most if not all the talking. He also needs to be the one to have the discussion with grandma and he will need to be firm with her and not let her manipulate the situation.
Just my $0.02. I hope it helps!

Richele - posted on 06/19/2013

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Yes we got her starting counselling this week. I love this child and I am so scared for her in the past two days of me stepping back and having no say and she knows it she has went back to her own ways lying and laughing in her dads face.

Enna - posted on 06/19/2013

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She probably needs to see a counselor. And I would recommend taking away whatever devices she's using to take the pictures and take down her account wherever she's posting her pictures. I would get your husband to be the one responsible for that.
My sister did something similar at that age (oh my gosh, I never would have had the guts to post pictures like that!) She ended up getting arrested along with one of the guys that was getting the pictures because they considered it child pornography. My sister got her hand slapped, but the guy got into more trouble. Besides just being a bad idea because you don't know who's going to see the pictures or when (job interview) it can also get you into trouble with the police.

Richele - posted on 06/19/2013

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I agree with u. Her mother is not in the picture. My 14 year old was posting half naked pics of herself so her dad asked me for help I first said I can't this will turn bad for me he said no it wouldn't so I helped being a parent of a teen that was going down the wrong road I got help and got him back so I applied the same to this situation everything seem to be working until him and his mother decided everything is my fault so I backed off and she is back to her old ways

Enna - posted on 06/19/2013

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My dad got remarried when I was a teenager. The best thing my stepmom did was try not to act like my mother. She was always respectful of my mom and let my dad deal with any issues with her. I don't know what exactly is going on for you, but I would try to back off of the step daughter and give her some space. Let mom and dad take care of the issues (obviously you want to help them out) but I would try to stay out of it as much as possible.

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