Mom's I need your help! My 13 yr old daughter is being bullied, recently it has been her own friends, and I feel so helpless.

Angelkisses32 - posted on 08/19/2013 ( 9 moms have responded )

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I hope someone can give me some advise, I have been up all night thinking about my daughter Shaylin and the thing's she is going through. She is 13 yr's old, and has been getting bullied. I have always told her to just ignore them and act like it doesn't bother you, and let the parent's or school know. That seemed to work. Here recently one of her close friends has been hanging out with two other girl's and they have all been picking on her. She ignored it, at first it was name calling, and dirty look's, when her friend is not with the other girl's she is nice to Shaylin. I told her that if she is going to act like that and treat her bad then she isn't a true friend and she shouldn't hang out with her. She said she didn't think that she was talking bad about her just the other girls.Then today she was out back talking to her friends and came in and told me they were throwing these little rocks at her an her friends, and said that they were going to jump her at the bus stop. I got really upset and went to go say something to them and she started crying telling me not to that I was only going to make things worse for her. I really don't know what to do. I want to help her but if I say or do anything then they will just pick on her more for coming and saying something to me. I don't want to just sit back and do nothing, We have had a long talk an she knows that she is not a good friend and is not going to talk or hang out with her anymore. The girl keeps messaging her saying she's sorry. She still wants to be friends, that she was just mad and blamed it all on her being bipolar. I really don't know what to do, if anyone has any advise please tell me. I know everyone is probably going to say tell the girls parents or talk to the girls, but if I do she won't tell me things that's going on.

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Karen - posted on 10/09/2013

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Angelkisses~You need to first email the guidance counselor at school. Don't call make sure you put everything in writing. Tell her incident by incident what has transpired and when it transpired as best you can. Naming every single girl involved, even the so called friend. Then you email all her teachers making them aware of the situation. Because its all in writing they are now forced to investigate the situation and they have a certain time limit to investigate and need to file their conclusion of bullying within 10 days to the board of education. They need to inform you of what their plan of action and and if there were consequences handed out. They by law cannot tell you what the consequences were,who got the consequence, and any of the other students names involved, even though you know them all already. You make sure that they do not handle this as a conflict between the girls as if your daugther did something to start this. You tell them you know the definition of social bullying and physical bullying and both are being done to your daughter. If you don't say anything they will keep doing it. I know all this because I just went through this with my 10 year old. Threaten to go to the superindentant if they don't hand out any consequences or you see their bullying behavior is continuing. If they actually hit your daughter tell her to punch them back, even though she will get suspended too they will know not to mess with her again. Forget you trying to talk to the parents, they don't care, think their kids is golden and did nothing wrong. Think about it if they raised their kid right in the first place they wouldn't be acting like that. They aren't babies they all have heard many lectures on bullying through the school before they know darn well what they are doing is wrong. The the so called friend that went along with them is a coward herself. You tell your daugther that. There is one ringleader and the rest are FOLLOWERS little cowards that are afraid they will be next.

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Angel,
Oh & we all know girls are the worst! :o( I am so sorry for what your Daughter is dealing w/h right now. I know it is heartbreaking for you, as Mom to watch. I know this may sound "hollow." But it can & WILL get better.
My Daughter was "chubby" with a gap in her two front teeth through elementary school. 6th grade was the worst. That was her "awkward" stage and she had on braces at that point, as well. :o( Other kids called her names/fat, etc...
My Daughter transferred to a different school district for junior high. My Daughter just turned 18.
She is now in her Senior year of High School & has blossomed into a 5ft 11inch tall & very thin, very stunning blonde. Perfect teeth (after braces came off freshman year!)
My Daughter was at the YMCA one day and a woman walked over and said: "Desiree' is that YOU?? Remember ME? I'm *Brads Mom!"
My Daughter replied: "Yes, I remember you. *BRAD used to laugh at me and call me fat everyday in 6th grade. I remember THAT too." The mom just walked away.
I do not ADVOCATE what my Daughter said to the woman. I DID softly scold my Daughter a bit for being rude. But when I turned my back I could not help but smile.
My hope is that woman went home and TOLD her son. Wow, maybe you should have kept your mouth shut back in 6th grade! My Daughter would never go on a date w/h that boy today.
LOL!
I told you THAT story to say this. It was tough going through it. But my Daughter is so much more strong and confident now that she HAS gone through it! I will keep you and your Daughter in my prayers. Best of luck to you both! :o)

Amanda - posted on 09/10/2013

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Kristi...your comment gives me hope. My daughter is in her last year of elementary school & will be going into Middle School next year. Things have not been great for her socially in elementary school & I worry that it will only get worse. Our Middle School also has 4 grade schools dumped into it so it gives me hope that things improved for your daughter! I'm so glad & fingers are crossed that things will improve for mine as well! Oh, and your other suggestions are great! Thanks for your input!
Angelkisses32...I hope things get better for your daughter. It's so hard for us as mom's to feel so helpless. I'm sure she knows that you're there for her no matter what & that she can always come to you about anything. Hugs!

Kristi - posted on 08/20/2013

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Actually, things got better for my daughter in middle school/jr. high, whatever 7th and 8th grade are called now-a-days! lol She went from one school with 2 5th and 6th grade classes where she was stuck with the same group of kids everyday to a much larger school that 4 elementary schools dumped into. They had (have) different kids in most classes, different teachers for each class, all of them a new opportunity to make a connection. She also started playing school sports, which opened up even more doors. There are other clubs she could join if she weren't into sports. Now, she has a few "close" friends and then she has her volleyball friends, her lunch buddies, her "amigos y amigas" from Spanish class, etc.

Bullying is horrible. Maybe it's time for a refresher anti-bullying session at school, that way everyone is being addressed and nobody is being "targeted" or labeled so no need for retribution. It can't hurt to suggest that to the principal and the guidance counselor. It's the beginning of the school year...perfect time to remind students about the school's anti-bullying policies.

Also, maybe, it's time to teach your daughter to stand up for herself. I doubt she is the only one these kids pick on. Maybe if she called them out (so to speak), other kids would then be brave enough to stand up to them also. If not, she'd still win some kids' admiration for not taking crap anymore. I don't know, just a thought.

Thoughts and prayers...

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Victoria - posted on 10/05/2015

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Your daughter must find genuine friends not interested in the trap of popularity. If your daughter instead has friends whose kindness and relationship to her are jeopardized by other kids' view about her, then she must disregard their meanness confidently. I learned before entering middle school (from several annoying experiences your daughter had) to disregard popularity and to become a non-conformist, and for that I discovered like-minded, kind friends, whilst not being disturbed by those who disliked me. My non-conformist attitude also allowed me to find interest in philosophy, mathematics, and science, subjects disgraced in the popular view of society!

Laurie - posted on 10/22/2013

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Encourage her to find social circles of kids or even outside of her school - like a youth group or something. Also know that this kind of behavior is at it's worst in middle school. It will get better in future. Keep talking to your daughter and discuss her problem and try to give suggestion how to resolve the problems.

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Thank you all for your suggestions, and help. Thing's have been much better, my daughter is no longer having problems with the girls who were picking on her. I am proud of her, She told me not to get in the middle of it that she would deal with it on her own an she did.

Chet - posted on 08/20/2013

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Keep talking to your daughter. Give her an outlet. This stuff is hard to hear, but it helps for her to talk about it. Also encourage her to find social circles outside of this group of kids or even outside of her school - like a youth group or something. Trouble with one group of friends can be put into perspective a little better if you have other groups of friends. Also know that this kind of behaviour is at it's worst in middle school. It will get better.

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