MY 11 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER AND HER DISRESPECT

Debi - posted on 06/16/2010

Mine learned when I made her write reports on the words respect, self respect,disrespect, and self control. I quit letting her stay at friends houses and no going any where with out me or her step dad until she learned how to behave. I told her if she could not respect us she was not going anywhere where I could not control her because she was not going to make me look like a bad parent jsut because she wants to be bad.. I know I am not a bad parent she just wanted to act like she was the boss and I put a stop to it, now at 14 she does not treat us like that at all and has so much more respect for us. I thank God I broke that before my youngest learned anything from her now she is 11 and as sweet as pie. Good luck

Tah - posted on 08/19/2010

i havent read any of the other comments so excuse me if i repeat anything that is already said...now...your husband needs to stop trying to spoiling her and trying to buy her affection...at 11...i could not even fathom my 8 year old when she is 11 or 21 being outta control like this....take everything she has...leave a bed in her room with the itchiest sheets you can find....all the stuff your husband has bought her, lock it up..in a chest..a closet anything with a lock..take her to bus stop...pick her up from the bus stop so you know she is in the house.....her clothes would be a white tee shirt and pair of jeans with some bobo's...spot check her in school...go up there and just randomly check on her in class..make her earn anything she gets by doing her chores and showing respect...these children are not entitled and we need to let them know they aren't if she doesnt respect you she isnt going to respect anyone else and thats not good in a world where people dont care about her...my children say yes mom..no mom...i had my son at 16 and i told him and still tell him..i am raising you, we are not growing up together...he's 13, he goes through his stuff, but he knows my wrath..he got in trouble in school and the teacher said he was so scared about what i would think and do he begged her not to call...but we talk openly..it's a respect, and a healthy fear to disapoint and the consequences that come with that....i would not yell and argue with her...what you say goes period...end of story....

Susan - posted on 05/14/2013

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I agree with you that things have changed and it is so much harder on you then when I was a teen..I'm 48. I can remember being so mean to my mom and I made her cried. She died in November and I was so glad I got a chance as a mom to tell her I understand how hard itis being a parent and thanked her for all she did for me. As a mom of a pre-teen all I want is for my daugher to be a happy as possible. When I feel like I have done all I should and she is still so miserable to the point sheis mean to me, I look for different ways to approach the situation. I agree, spanking a lecturing have not worked as a mom for me either and I just want to find and equip myself the best I can tohelp my daughter through this. I love her so much and want to help her in anyway I can, while also teaching her respect an moral values.

As a teen what advice can you give a parent who is trying so hard to do the right thing by her kid. Now that doesn't mean letting her get away with things that are wrong, but when she makes mistakes, what should I do..let her suffer the consequences on her own perhaps? I'm open to suggestions?
Good luck to you. I hope the bumpy teen years smooth out for you.

Anonymous - posted on 06/17/2012

Shut the f*ck up. I'm getting so tired of reading this little bull- sh*t a$$ passages about "my disrespectful teenage daughter." You don't know what teenage girls this day and age go through becuase your hearing it from one. We are being exposed to more things then you all did when you women were teens in the stone age. You all act like you weren't in their shoes before. We are becoming interested in boys before you all did. Tv these days are telling us about sex and all. Even the internet is exposing new things to us. Don't forget we're going through a stage where our hormones are raging. That means cycles, swinging attitudes, acne and all. I guess you all had a skip button and jumped over the stage of life though because you all act like it. I think moms will never understand girls my age. Also, its not like she threatining her step-dad to buy. He has a choice she didn't threaten to kill him if he didn't swipe his card or hand his money to the cashier. Yeah she would be upset if you didn't buy her the Tom's that all the kids are wearing do you know we get picked on because of stuff like this. Then you all pull this "well you have to earn it" crap come on a mother is supposed to buy her child clothes, thats a need not a want unless you want your child to wear the same clothes everyday and get picked on or walk around everyday butt-naked and get picked on. If you want us to you respect you respect us too. Yelling and whooping us is not helping i'm sure your teen already hates you thats making her hate you even more. Also you all say we're lazy and we shouldn't be tired all the time because you all are the ones with the jobs going to school is like a job you all even say it. Don't look dumb becuase you all say "Work is like High School." All you had to do in school and im talking to women in their 30's and older were reading , writing , and math. We have to take state assessments after states exams and more so shut the f*ck up with that sh*t. Then we have to go to school and deal with more muthaf*ckers like you, teachers! Last thing you all say "Im so mad at you i could hit, or slap,or whoop you!" Well guess what we feel the same way but you better be glad we're only teens and we have better things to do. I hope this goes throught ya'llstupid a$$ minds.

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Both you and your partner need to work as a team. If one of you say no then its a no from the pair of you. sit down together and work out what the rules of engagement will be -start with the basics like - no disrespecting people, do your homework/chores, etc..

Also talk to your partner, her step dad, and make sure that he steps up to the role of Dad - basically enforces the rules of the household and does not give in to her. By giving in, it'll only make things worse.

When the house rules have been agreed, then inform your daughter of them. She may not like them. When broken, then she gets disciplined for them. This can take shape in time outs to taking her favourite items away. Items taken off her can be for a set period and/or earnt back. Also make sure that you follow through on the punishments, by both of you.

Worth talking to her, when introducing the new house rules and explaining that you and your partner deserve the respect that your roles deserve. That you will give her the respect that she deserves.

When she does things that the pair of you are proud of, give her lots of praise (OTT if needs be to begin with). Certainly with my eldest when she's in a stroppy mood, she gets sent to her room to calm down and things get taken off her. I found that sometimes my eldest's attitude comes from when she's hungry and/or tired. By making sure that she's had lots to eat and a good night's sleep, she goes from the attitudy 12 year old to the nice 12 year old who I like spending time with.

Sara - posted on 05/04/2012

i don't know, she must hate her step dad, it's her hormones too. she is 11 and acting childish, 11 is quite mature for this behaviour, talk to her about it is the best thing i can think!

Cecilia - posted on 08/18/2010

STOP giving her everything she wants and start taking away her privileges like playing outside, talking on phone with friends, going places, anything she like doing just stop everything and see what happens, if she continues to be disrespectful give her a big punishment and with no tv, stay in room etc. I am having the same exact problem with my 11 1/2 yr. old son. He has been suspended from school, fighting, talking back to me, arguing with adults and I final realize he want to be like everybody else so I put him on punishment for 1 1/2 mths gave chores around the house, slook over his school work and home work that he has been missing. Just be patient and talk to her and see what is going on and why is she acting like that.

Jennifer - posted on 06/20/2010

Duh quit giving her everything and anything she wants. She needs to earn this things. Their are consequenses for actions so like if she does something then take something away instead of giving something to her. Take the cell phone or computer away. If you dont put your foot down now it will only get worse, gee shes only 11 what do you think its going to be like when shes a teenager. So stop it now. Make your house rules. If rules get broken then something gets taken away. You and your husband need to make these rules together. You both have got to be on the same team and work together or you will accomplish nothing

Tammy - posted on 06/19/2010

Great info thanks!

Amy - posted on 06/12/2010

Thanks for the advice.

Kathleen - posted on 06/11/2010

Whatever you do,get it under control before it gets any worse-I am having so much trouble with my almost-16 yo ..if I had insisted upon the respect I deserve,and the fact that I am in charge here,it wouldn't have gotten this bad.
Almost all teens will push their parents' buttons,and limits,but you know when it is worse tha your average "just her age"
Best of luck to you

Angie - posted on 06/11/2010

First of all, quit giving her "anything and everything she wants". Right now, she see you and your husband a dispensaries for all of her wants. Don't allow her speak to you in anything but a respectful tone of voice. My children went through this stage, briefly. Once I told them they weren't allowed to be rude to me and sent them to their rooms until they could apologize, it stopped quickly. Get tough and be consistent. This is something you want to get under control now or you're going to have a lot on your hands when she's older.....