My 13 year old daughter has deliberatley distroyed her life. How can I come to turms with with this and not go crazy?

Evelyn - posted on 03/03/2013 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I feel like Im in the twilight zone. I have never heard or seen a young girl spiral out of control so aggressivly and deliberatly as my daughter has. There is such a long list of things , that I will try and be brief and stick to the facts. 10 Months ago my 12 year old daughter never came home after school. I found out she had skipped school that day with a girl friend (2nd to last day of the school year). She deliberatly hid from me for 6 days. Police were called , I staked out all her friends that I thought she may be staying at. I thought for sure something terrible had happened to her, the last time I had seen her she was headed to school and I told her I loved her , no fight, nothing out of the ordinary to give her reason to to not come home. I finally got one of her friends to spill the beans and tell me where she was and had the police to to the house to get her out . This was 6 days later.

This started of the next 9 months of living hell that I am living in still today. Last summer my daughter ran away from home at 10 times. I took her to court and got a " Youth at Risk" petition. That never made a bit of difference to her. She went to juvinile hall in September for 17 days. Came home for about 5 weeks . went back 5 weeks later for 23 days. I got her into a youth substance abuse inpatient program, and she went straight from juvinile hall to 40 days of treatment . She was home for less than a week and she drank a bottle of cough sryup to get high. The list goes on and on. She is back in juvi now and this time I fear for a long long time. She had charges of " assault with a deadly weapon " that would have pretty much went away if she would have stayed out of trouble after rehab, but now she will have to face them due to violating the conditions. The asault charge was ( pulling a knike out from under her pillow and pointing it at me and telling me if I did stop removing things from her room , she would slit my f--king throat) She had 3 times the legal limit of alcohol in her at the time.
As God as my witness there is nothing in our home life that would have given reason for any of this behavior. I am a single mother, I have not dated in years, we have a fairly nice place to live, plenty of food to eat, all the comforts of a normal house hold. I have to work outside the home to support my 2 children and myself and sometimes its long hours.

So my question is this.... I am struggling to keep my sanity , I have noone to relate with, noone I know has been through this kind of madness and with a child so young. I am exausted, scared, angry, bewildered, extremely sadened, and left weakened by it all. How in the world do I cope with these feelings?

Thank you ,
Ev

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Kristi - posted on 03/05/2013

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Amber is so right about addicts needing to hit rock bottom and family members not enabling their behavior. It is very difficult not to do because it feels like you're giving up on them, you think they will think you don't love them anymore. And they will use that against you to get what they want from you. Addicts are extremely good at manipulation. They will tell you anything to get "help" from you.

Has she been getting mental health treatment when in juvie or in the rehab center? It is hard to think that something didn't trigger this. Have you talked to her teachers to see if they noticed a change in her behavior at any point? Was she always in with the bad crowd? If not, try to talk to her old friends and see if they know anything. You never know what you might find out and this will help you feel a little less helpless.

Also as Amber mentioned, get involved in Alanon as soon as you can. That is an excellent resource and will connect you with people going down the same road that you are. You won't feel so alone and they can offer you ways to cope. I would also recommend therapy for you and maybe even your other daughters. They may be frightened and confused by all of this and they may be very worried about you.

At this point, you do need to turn your focus to them. They can't raise themselves, I know you know that. Get involved (if you aren't already) and stay involved in everything they are doing. It is a huge job! I'm a single mom, too but I just have one. Keeping up with what she's doing on FB, whose she's texting, calling, her grades, where she's going, who she's with and verifying with the parents...it's a full time job! Don't be afraid to ask for help from friends. I have and they are usually more than happy to help. Try to take some time everyday just for you, even if it's just 15 minutes to pray or to read a book.

As overwhelmed as you're feeling, try to find some comfort knowing that you have been taking the right steps to help your daughter. But, she has to want to want to help herself otherwise not much is going to get through to her. You really are doing an amazing job. Keep praying. God bless you and your girls. ♥

Amber - posted on 03/04/2013

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First of all I want to encourage you that prayer works, but not always on our time schedule. My oldest brother dropped out of school, was on drugs, ran away for a year without a word. He is now a doctor. My son was in a car accident at 16 and was hurt. They kept him on pain meds too long and he became addicted and ended up in trouble with the law and spent time in jail. I prayed that God would bring him to his knees quickly and he did. He got arrested, got clean and is now an upstanding citizen. So there is hope. But you have to realize you can't fix it. However, you can speed up the process by not allowing her to push your buttons and not enabling her. Ala-non and tough love are good programs. The more people enable addicts the longer they stay that way. They won't change until they hit rock bottom. Soothing you guilty feelings by feeling sorry for her won't help her. It will hurt her more. Let her know that you love her, but you won't enable her and pray this prayer. Lord you know what my child needs more than I do, I realize that only you can help her so I am giving her to you. Everytime there is a crisis concerning her say I am giving this to you God. As for your other children always know where they are, if they say they are going to a friends house, call that parent and make sure they are there and supervised. Get to know your kids friends and thier parents and get them involved in activities, church, sports, civil functions. Idle hands are the devils handy work or a board teen is going to find trouble.

God bless

Frances - posted on 03/03/2013

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Ev,
Sorry, you did mention that you told your daughter that you loved her. I don't want to be judgmental in any way. Read below.

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Frances - posted on 03/14/2013

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Hi Ev,
Just checking in to see how you are doing and how is your daughter? I've thought about you quite often. You story really shocked me. Please post occasional updates. You need as many caring people to see you through this as you can.

Frances - posted on 03/03/2013

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Hi Ev,
My heart bleeds for you!! I know how hard it must be for you to see her mess up. Of course, as her mom you'll do whatever it takes. But she is beyond you at this point. No one can tell you if/when this pain will dull. Has none of the rehab worked? You didn't mention her dad. Is he involved in her life? Are there other relatives who can reach out to her? Other moms? She must have had some sort of negative experience that pushed her to the edge that she isn't telling you about. Otherwise, it is so hard to explain.
Yes, please, please hold onto Jesus. I know how hard it is to pray when you are hurting so much. But pray without ceasing. Because this is way beyond you or her. I wish I knew you to just hold your hand and let you cry your heart out to God. That's what I do when there's no one else to talk to (even last night).
Concerning my daughter her problem is bad attitude and anger management, and unmotivated in school. She has anger toward everyone in the family, including her younger sister. I believe she is acting out because of the unstable family situation that I had with her dad until I couldn't take it anymore and moved out. But now, that we live apart the problems with her still continue. Thank God she is not into "deep" stuff (drugs, sex, alcohol, etc.). But she is hard to get along with and is constantly complaining and in a bad mood. I actually had to call the police on her last week because she started breaking stuff and banged her hand on a mirror because "I was listening to her." That is the extent that she goes to make me listen. I am actually also waiting for the therapist to me with her tomorrow. But she has to agree.

Evelyn - posted on 03/03/2013

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Hi Frances,

Your words did help me. I don't think your judgemental either. I need advice, and I appriciate what you said , you don't need to sugar coat it.
I do believe in God, but I'm having a hard time with letting go of this torment and letting Jesus take over. I have been told that's what I need to do, but I worry that is a cop out , and if something terrible happens ( you know what I mean) I will never forgive myself for not searching every avenue and with every angle to get through to her. I hear what your saying, in the fact that I dont know what else I can do for her. At times I can distance myself emotionally, but it only lasts a little while and anguish over watching my little girl savatage and ruin her young life right in front of my eyes ,and I can't contol or stop it. I keep raking my brains as to WHY?? For the life of me, I can't come up with an answer.
She is very intelligent in school, has lots of friends ( not good girls though) but now my daughter is the worst of the worst of them. She pretty, and funny, says she want to be an Anthropaulogist when she grows up, tells me she loves me all the time. (of, coarse I tell her how much I love her with all my heart) I have wore every hat and played every part hoping that one of the approaches I use will knock some sence into her, but to no avail.

You mentioned that you have a 15 year old daughter and there have been a few difficulties with her. If I can give one piece of advise, it would be to attack the problem ASAP. Nip it in the bud as soon as you find out about it. Don't let one day go by with addressing the issue. For example if your daughter stays at a friends house overnight and never ask you if she could , she thinks that you're ok without checking in with you, no matter how inconvinient it may be , go pick her right up and take her home. Don't wait untill the next day to address it with her even though you would have said yes , had she asked . This was a huge mistake I made early on, I was lazy and waited till it was convienient for me to confront my daughter. Anyway, I know you never ask me for that advise , and I certainly don't even feel quailified to give it , with the crisis I have now.

Thank you so much for taking the time out to give your thoughts. Bless you heart, and please pray for me , I would appriecate it so much.

Ev

Frances - posted on 03/03/2013

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Hi Ev,
I just joined the website and I am glad that I did. I understand the pain that you daughter must have put you through, especially at such a young age. As you mentioned in your post, you have provided all that you can to give your daughter a better live. It's even more difficult being a single mom. How about love? Did your daughter know that you loved and cared for her? You didn't mention this. Your daughter, obviously has some serious issues beyond your control. You did your best to help her and to be there for her. But, sadly she made the wrong choices and you both have to live with the consequences. You have two more children to bring up so you still have a lot to do. Although, you cannot change the past, you will have to let your daughter do what she wants to do and concentrate on your other kids. Hopefully and in time, your daughter will make changes in her life and get back on track. But, it will take some time. You have to pray very hard, get a group of women friends to support you and find something that YOU need to do to keep you mentally strong. Do you belong to a women's group at church? Do you go to church? You work very hard to support you children, but just find a little time every week to meet with someone to lift you up. I read inspirational verses everyday and try to remain positive and in touch with God. You have to find something/someone to anchor on. For me it has been God. You must seek counselling too, if you can. It doesn't have to be an "expert" but someone who is there for you, just to hear your pain and provide comfort.

I really hope this help a bit. I know how you feel because I am having problems with my 15 yr old daughter (not very serious, thank God, but bothersome one that can escalate). It has also left me with the same feelings you describe.

Have a blessed day. I'll pray for you!!

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