My 13 year old daughter is disrespectful, and has a cell phone (I gave to her for Christmas) and I cannot get her off of it.

Deborah - posted on 01/18/2015 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I'm a single parent, 53, and my daughter is 13. She is an A student, and a overall good child. When I try to discipline her for anything, she always has an excuse and we get into a verbal altercation which leads to yelling. She ends up disrespecting me in the conversation. I was in an alcoholic marriage and she watched her father and myself yell at each other, with him disrespecting me. I am recovered from drinking since 2007, and I live alone with my daughter. Lately my issue with her is her cell phone and internet use. She is much more tech savvy than I am and I often have to get help from her. A friend of hers recently showed me a photo off of instagram with my daughter kissing another girl. She has friends that have experienced with girls, etc.., and I have told her and her friends that at their age they are just trying to figure out their own sexuality and it is quit normal. I thought my daughter and I had an open relationship until her friend showed me this photo. I am going to try my best to get her involved with school activities or whatever I can find out there. With regard to her cell phone, we have WIFI, and it is up to me to manage her use but I don't. Can anyone help me?

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Gardensparrow - posted on 01/20/2015

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Well, 13 is definitely a tough age. So, know you're not alone in struggling here. But, based on some of history you shared, do you think it might be helpful to look into some counseling for your daughter? Perhaps there's some things she still needs to work though, and I'm sure a therapist could offer you some tips on dealing with her behavior lately. Lastly, regarding some of the specific issues you mentioned, there's a couple articles at http://bit.ly/1yHig5r and http://bit.ly/1DZyrwm that might help you in knowing how to respond here. Just FYI-hope they help!

gardensparrow
#girlluvs2garden#

Deborah - posted on 01/19/2015

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Wow!! Thank you so much. You really put things in a manner that I could totally see working out for us. I guess I had to hear the truth, which is that she will not share everything with me. That really hurts me, but as I read your comment, I get it now. I have to be honest, I don't want to get it, but I will. As far as the photo goes, I will try your approach because tonight, I told her I knew about it and that people will exploit her if they choose to do so. I think she would understand it better if I show her the photo like you said, and then explain what could happen. Thanks so much for your help.

Trisha - posted on 01/19/2015

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You are right. Experimenting is going to happen. I think one of things you need to do is get a copy of that picture, on your own computer and sit down and show it to her.
Inform her of the lack of safety around pictures like that. Reminder her that people out there could try to harm her if she is portrayed in a sexual matter like that.
The yelling and disrespect is not going to be easy to work around.
NO ONE benefits from yelling or screaming. As soon as it starts, each member is at that point just thinking about what they have to say next. No one likes it either.
Sit down with your daughter while calm, and I am sure you will both come to the agreement that you want to communicate without the yelling and screaming.
My suggestion is: As soon as either one of you feels that the situation is getting heated, you both have the opportunity to call "Time out" (or whatever other 'Safe' word you choose). At the call of TIME OUT, you both leave, and go into separate rooms to calm down and try to think of the other person's perspective, and where they are coming from.
You need to understand that your daughter is not going to share everything with you. No matter how open of a relationship you have, you are still her mother and she will feel shame about some of the things she does.
Focus on learning to communicate without yelling for now.
I don't see what the problem is with her cell-phone. You haven't really mentioned any specific problems with it. If my stepson starts to be disrespectful, he immediately gets his ipod and xbox taken away.
There HAVE been situations (for example yesterday) where my husband grounds him in a state of anger for an extended point of time, and after calming down goes back down and has to eat his words. "I am sorry. I overreacted, and agree your grounding shouldn't be that long. Your grounding will be for only one day."
The RIGHT actions never happen in a state of anger, or high emotion. It is important that everyone in the family learns that. It will require a lot of work to train everyone in the household this though. It will have to be a joint effort. Start now, as it is just going to get tougher as she wants to have more independence.

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