My 13 Year old is dating an "experienced boy". What to do?

Lisa - posted on 01/11/2013 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I need advice. I have a 13 year old in 8th grade that is dating. I use the term "dating" loosely, but she has a boyfriend that is in her age. They text constantly and see each other at school. They live in the same general areas and have the same friends so they see each other frequently, but we do not promote or allow true "dates" except in groups of friends. He has come over to our house since they started dating to watch a movie alone with our daughter. Our relationship is great, and talks to me openly and shares almost everything, much more than I shared with my mother. My daughter found out from a friend this week that her boyfriend had been sexually active prior to dating her. We were shocked that this happened in 8th grade and thought it could not be true. She brought up the subject with him and he confirmed, but claims he "made mistakes" and doesn't want to engage in that kind of activity with our daughter and knows she "is a nice girl", which is why he likes her. My instinct tells me to force her to end this right now. They have only been dating 2 months and I think it is in her best interest, and for the sake of her reputation to move on and wait for a boyfriend with better character. I don't think anything good will come of this relationship. My spouse feels we need to trust her and "supervise" the relationship, that it is better to have them in our sight, rather than force a break up and have them sneaking around since they already are around each other. We've talked to her about good and bad decisions, and we think dating this boy is a bad decision, and she should consider ending it. Her response is that he has been nothing but a gentleman to her and talks about how "he loves her" and "never known anyone like her". I think it is all a bunch of empty words that boys say because they think that is what they are supposed to, but she continues to fall further for him as each week goes by. We trust our daughter, but we still keep a pretty tight reign on her activities, texting, friendships, etc. She is a good kid and we truly believe she would walk away if he tried to engage in anything other than a few innocent kisses, but we both can't help but think there is a better catch out there, and we don't want her spending time with a boy that has already had sex in 8th grade. Are we bring fools by allowing this to continue? What is the worst that can happen if we are keeping a close eye on things? We aren't ready for this but so many people say you have to "let them make their own decisions but keep an eye on them". I am concerned he may be leading her down a path we don't want her to follow. What should we do? Any Moms with experience in this area or similar situations, let us know how it played out.

UPDATE: 3 weeks later
Well they broke up. The boy started getting a little clingy, getting mad when she didn't respond to texts right away, accusing her of liking other boys, etc. Just way too much stress and drama for her to handle. Our daughter did not want to end it, but there were additional warning signs, with him saying she "wasn't giving enough to the relationship" (as if we didn't already have enough warning signs). She said she wanted to just be friends and he was not happy, and she ended up crying about it thinking she made a mistake. We felt bad also, like we interfered and possibly she felt forced. At the end of the day, whatever the reason, we are glad it happened. 2 days after, the stories about this boy and other activity he was involved in starting pouring in to our daughter from HIS friends. "He asks girls for naked pictures on Snap Chat", "He was making out with other girls at parties", "The sex with the one girl was not the only one", etc. Our daughter is thankful she ended it after learning all of this, and we are thankful he never tried anything with her. It was probably just a matter of time, and I know girls can be vulnerable when they are so caught up in a relationship. Our instincts were right, and this could have ended up very badly for our daughter, and we are thankful it did not. Our experience has taught us to trust our instincts, but also stay involved and don't allow something you don't feel right about. This boy invited our daughter to go to his house, to meet at friends, etc., and we didn't allow it. She was mad at us at the time, but not she understands why.

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Morgan - posted on 07/03/2014

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I think you are a harible parent because you are first posting private information about your daughter online. And also your acting hopeless and asking strangers for advice like what is wrong with you. Just live your own live and stop complaining. Get a live and live with your daughter instead of on this site

TrinityPolk - posted on 06/30/2014

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You should not break them up because she might end up hating you trust me my daughter was dating a guy who was experienced and we forced them to break up she still hates me til this day they were dating for 8 months but teens are going through that "hormonal stage" when they cannot control theirselves you should trust your daughter completely and have faith in them and I think your daughter will make the right decision to not have sex only at age 13

Carrie - posted on 02/03/2013

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before giving any advice - I"m 20 years old now, married, with a daughter of my own. but when I was 14 I fell for a guy who I thought was great, who I felt I wanted to have as a father to any children I would have... Time proved me wrong (as it does most things) - so I'd advise just being there emotionally for your daughter, and listening to her, help her understand where she stands, and how things would go if things did start going the wrong way (and don't let her end it with just a "that wouldn't happen" because not every guy is the same, and she has her whole life ahead of her.) My mom did that with me, and at the time I thought she was being over protective... but it honestly ended up saving me in the long run because I knew what to look out for (even though I didn't want to see it that way). If the guy is really truthful about "having learned from his mistakes" then she has found herself a quick learner and she's probably better off for it, because people who are truthful and do learn from mistakes are much less likely to repeat the mistake again. If he's not truthful - then given time (which I'm sure she has plenty of time before anything like marriage comes up) his true colors will come up on their own, and she will have some experience under her belt which she can use later to judge character. If you're always judging for her she'll likely never learn on her own - and that can be more problematic later. Just make sure she keeps her hopes up and knows that not every guy is like that if things don't continue between her and this guy. IF I gave up like I wanted to on dating, (and I just mean not wanting to date, or get close to a guy) then I would never have met my husband, never have had him understand my point of view and how I felt about scenarios, never have had hardships to look back on to be proud of even though it was painful at the time, and I certainly would not have my beautiful baby girl right now if he didn't come into my life..

I think the best thing to do is leave it to your daughter, because Time, and Life teaches and conquers all. It might be painful, complicated, etc. but being there as an emotional support for your daughter, letting her know you trust her decisions - will go much further in her life than trying to stop anything she might decide to do. These days at 13, you're practically already a teenager (just don't have the hormonal imbalances to go along with it yet) so it would probably be better for the relationship between you two not to cause stresses that could be avoided. She'll have plenty to think over in the next years, and she'll need someone to cry to - no matter how much you don't want her to get hurt..

btw.. all of this is personal opinion from my own experiences, so take it with a grain of salt unless you feel it has some value to your situation. I hope things go well for you and your daughter in the long term.

Danielle - posted on 02/14/2013

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kids spend so much time at school that its easy to have bfs without parents knowing. banning things like that only make teens want to do them more. I think its better to allow it and just supervise it closely and make sure your teen is comfortable to confide in you as a friend and a mother. most young boys are only interested in one thing, but teenagers in general are always into rebelling to some degree

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Dee Dee - posted on 02/03/2013

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Somehow I am more with Laurie. Trust, loves her and watch her to get thru this. I wonder if it is a good idea to ask her if she has concerns that her boy friend may try something. if she says no, she can handle it. if she is not sure, you can advice her to end it. she may or may not. 13 is young. My daughter is 18 now. she is still not intimate with any man yet. I never told him not to. She just want to until she is ready. She had crushes from boys since she was 7. she had some crushes about a few boys and men. somehow, they just disappeared. some left guietly, some put up a fight. I watched thru all that. I don't know for sure, but I won't worry about age. sooner or later, she has to learn to find a right guy. how do we now he is not the right guy? trust her, loves her and watch her back when you can.

Rita - posted on 01/21/2013

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Hi Lisa: The more you tell your daughter not to continue with the relationship, the more she will want to. My daughter at your daughters' age, had a b/f that had a previous relationship and "yes" he had experienced. II allowed them to see one another but it was in my home.We were in the country and she could only see him at school and on wknds. at our home. Once I got to know her b/f I made no bones abt. talking with him. I let him know the does/donts' and to my surprise he was thankful that I spoke to him. A little bit of a red tinge but he got over it. It was hard for me b/c my husband was away all wk. only home on wknds. It also helped though that to my surprise that I knew his father. I didn't realize this b/c the b/f lived with his mom. They had divorced. The b/f liked it when my husband came home, he enjoyed conversing with him..
There were times that my daughter got upset b/c he wasnt' with her. They actually stayed together for 3yrs.and many times he thanked me for being the mother he really didn't have. My daughter ended the relationship. Oddly enough at that point she was 16 and if she decided to go to her friends which she did not tell me. The good thing being that I drove bus that was radio controlled so if she decided she was going somewhere I would get a radio call from another driver who would tell me where she got off. We had a great system that she knew nothing abt. as well this b/f that she ended the relationship with would phone me as well to let me know. She would get so mad, I can laugh abt. it now. She grew up to be a wonderful young lady who is now her moms' best friend. She and her spouse have given me 4 beautiful grandchildren and she is always in touch. That was always the key with my children, keep in touch, phone when you get to your friends and call when you are coming home and have a ride, or if I was to pick any of them up. Life is grand!! Know your children, "yes" they will explore, didnt' we? Yes the world has changed but that doesnt' mean that your relationship has to change with your family as teens'. We never quit worrying, and even when they leave home they come back with grandchildren that put tears' in your eyes. We can then spoil them and our "children" take them home. Never stop speaking with your children, they may get upset with you but they hear every word you say. I hope this has helped you and you are fortunate as myself. Pls. do not stop the conversations :D

Michelle - posted on 01/20/2013

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Often the girls who get pregnant aren't girls who have been sleeping around since they were 13.

Michelle - posted on 01/20/2013

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Honestly it is your choice whether or not your daughter dates but I exercise caution. That boy may be telling the truth but your daughter will constantly be worried that if he's not having sex with her he's having it with someone else. This will often lead her to do things even if she is not comfortable. Regardless of your opinion on pre-marital sex no 13 yr. old is old enough to handle that kind of commitment or responsibility. The fact is a lot of young teens are having sex and pregnancy is not the worst thing that can happen.

J M - posted on 01/20/2013

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Yes trust your parental instincts, thats why you have them in your head in the first place. And yes you don't know the circumstances of the boy really just say he is experienced, he may of been taken advantage of. To think girls are the only ones that may get hurt is unfair ann naive, as you are not exactly saying no or give any different messages to her.

You set the pace your Child as she still is, is your responsibly.

Then You say a few kisses ok? you sound confused, as you give the facts, then go around in circles.

You have also given her a cell ph and much freedom, so maybe no matter what you say now good kid or not ,you will never really know whist she is up to with so much freedoms without responsibilities.

Laurie - posted on 01/13/2013

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You are right not to try and force her to end it, it will only push them together more than they are, if so she will tell you that you don't understand him he is nice he loves me and cares and would never push me into something that she is not ready for???
How ever we all know hormones take over at this age and they truly can't thank about anything else if there a guy? ( that for one as already experienced it) girls no unless???
At 13 depending on who your daughter hangs with as far as girls will either hurt her or benefit her.
Peer pressure is the worst, your doing the right things by talking to her and keep close to her with out her feeling she is smothered.
However we all have been teenagers and as much as you think you have a control on things, dont be fooled ,Text messages can get deleted and you never really know.
All you can do is trust you have brought her up and taught her what you have and she makes the right choice if not it could make her grow up faster than she wanted to ?? All her plans gone raising a baby?
Communication is the key keep up the good work, if nothing else download .....
Life360 you can keep her safe with all the predators out there I tell my daughter, but now where is at, at all times when she leave school, friends etc i get a text!
I let he know its a safety if anyone steals her phone you can track it easy?
But a trust is built with her as well, not a distrust in where is ?
I never not trust but as a teenager you never can be to trusting.
For me it's a piece of mind knowing she is safe she is where she says she going to be, if she ever to need me in an emergency I am there!
I have had 4 girls and she is my last at home 14 and made it through the others safely and my goal her as this world gets worse!!!
Hang in there your a great mom being involved most parents don't care or work to much and have no idea she needs you more now than ever!!
Be her friend and parent have the fun at your house!! You always know what's going on:)

Jennifer - posted on 01/12/2013

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Well it's good you and your daughter have an open and honest relationship, but I have to ask why you are letting a 13 year old date? She is in Jr. High School! I know its normal for kids to have crushes, but to allow her to date in my opinion, is a little young. It is only a matter of time before they will be having sex.My daughter is 15 and when she was 13 one of her friends on her soccer team was "dating". I could see the path this girl was taking and I told my daughter that I bet she will be pregnant by the time she is a sophmore. Sure enough, then end of her freshman year, she was pregnant. When my daughter was 13, her friends had "boyfriends", but you as a parent have to set the rules and guidelines. I have stressed to my daughter that she only has so many years to be in school and to get an education and that is what her focus should be on. Good luck!

Kristi - posted on 01/12/2013

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It sounds like you have a couple of honest kids there. If you are only allowing group dates and allowing him come to your house be the extent of the difference between "boyfriend" and "friend," I'm not sure I would risk rebellion and her cutting off the line of communication for basically just telling her he can't come over any more. You said they could still be friends and if the friends go out in groups, what's really going to be the difference?

It sounds like you have a smart girl and she confides in you. Sitting down with her and being honest about your feelings and your concerns, as well as your expectations and then listening to her feelings, etc. maybe you could come to a conclusion together. But if you just force her, she will be resentful and she won't understand why you don't trust her anymore, so why she should she bother to tell you anything anymore.

Do you know the boy's parents? It might be a good idea (if you decide to let your daughter keep "seeing" him) to get together with them. Get a pizza or something and just get to know each other enough so you each feel comfortable enough to call one another to "double check" stories, etc. if need be. ; )

One other thing to tuck away, do you know the circumstances of the boy's sexual activity? What if it was an older girl that took advantage of him? Maybe he really does believe he made a mistake. How does he treat your daughter? Ask her friends what he's like.

Just try not to react out of fear, even though every parent of every daughter who reaches this phase is! The more reasonable and rational you come across the more likely she will be to accept your decisions. Good luck! Keep us posted!

Patricia Ann - posted on 01/11/2013

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Hey she is 13,your the boss ,you got a bad feeling then go with it,tell her that you are not going to allow them to see eachother as boyfriend and girlfreind but as plain friends,and your reason why....This is why there are parents,to deflect things like this,because its for her own good and its best.She can still have learning experiences but,not this one not yet......no harm done just a good decision.... nothing wrong with being a parent,when needed i would say....good luck with this ,im sure you will choose as you see fit

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