My 14 yr old daughter lied to me again, I don't know what consequences to give her.

Michelle - posted on 04/11/2012 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Ever since my daughter started middle school, she has been caught lying about a lot of things. When she was in 6th grade she forged my signature because she got a bad grade. I have always communicated with her right from wrong and have given her consequences along the way. I've taken away her iPod, phone and hanging out with friends. Last year when she was in 7th grade she asked me for Facebook account. I let her know that when I can trust her, we will set one up and I will have access to it for her protection etc. I found out later that year she made an account behind my back. I closed her account, had a talk with her and took away all her gadgets for 6 months. Since then she has lied about the littlest things. I put her in a Cheer camp to help keep her busy, with hopes she'll stop lying. We tried hula, basketball, cross country, in the past but she didn't like those activities. She seems to like the cheer camp. 2 weeks ago she asked me to buy her "prettier more girly bras. I agreed to. In the past i bought her plain bras from Target. After a few days I got curious, so I asked her if she had a crush on anyone or she thought anyone was cute. She told me No. She has been texting a lot more, wanted new bras so I got curious. Last night, I went through her phone and found out she has a boyfriend. He went with her to an amusement park (she told me her girlfriends were all going). He bought her a bracelet there, she told me her girlfriends bought it for her. I never said she can't have a boyfriend to her. I don't know what to do? She has told me she's learned from all her mistakes and she's not going to lie anymore, but she has. I thought after 3 yrs of this she finally understands that telling the truth and not hiding anything is the right thing to do. I don't know what other consequence to give her or how to bring up how I found out about her boyfriend. That lie alone, has lead her to more lies. About the bracelet, going to the movies with him and her best friend, etc. please advise.

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Kim - posted on 04/14/2012

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I am afraid this is the norm for girls that age. I cannot seem to get it through my 14 year old daughters head that lying only leads to people getting hurt. Not just her or me, but other people as well. She lies about the dumbest things, so I totally understand what you are going through. Mine finally lied her way into a juvenile detention center. Since that episode, she has lost every single privilege. The best way I have found is to deny her privacy. She has to earn your trust back, let her know that it takes lots of time and good behavior for that. I took mine's bedroom door away, and I do random room searches. It's a lot harder for them to hide and lie if you make it impossible. I can't say mine is perfect now. But she knows that I am always watching, so she minds her p's and q's a lot more. Her grades are finally coming up and she is following most of the rules. I just have to remember to be consistent. And keep her guessing on what I will do to catch her. But she knows I will and that helps. Good luck to us all.

Martha - posted on 12/09/2012

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This is a difficult concept for all children. The little things help more than you think. I totally agree with having dinner together often. One time when my 17 yr old was having "fit" of sorts. He didn't want to have dinner with us. I declared dinner in his room that night! I don't think he believed me. We were all laughing at our "picnic" by the end of the night, and a lot of anger was repaired. I also when dealing with lying have "set up" situations in which my teens have had chances to make a good decision to be truthful. This gives a chance to praise your child and remind them why they "want" to tell you the truth.

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MrSmokeyMan - posted on 12/01/2014

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You just have to step back and let them make bad choices or they will never learn that they are bad choices it sucks as a parent to watch it happen but if you try and control the situation you will just make them want to do it that much more and telling them you trust them is very key because if you just constantly take things away from her she will automatically think you don't trust her

Michelle - posted on 01/17/2013

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Thank you everyone for the advice. I posted this discussion last April. Since then her and her bf have broken up. She is a freshman in hs now and made the cheer team. It keeps her super busy and she seems a lot more happier. She is more open with me now as well. We've had positive talks throughout the year and I feel our relationship is a lot better. I appreciate all the advice and have learned a lot from it. Thank you.

Patricia Ann - posted on 01/17/2013

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Just let her know that you know she has a boyfriend and you would like to have him over and have some pizza,etc. so you can get to know him.....If she asks if you were snooping in her stuff and you say yes and we will have him over for a nice dinner with a smile while saying that you would love to meet him......let it go that she lied about it,just show her that she didnt need to,and that your ok with her having one ,,maybe this will show her you arent going to freak out,that you can be understanding,but would like to meet and give the parent seal of approval ...

DESTIN - posted on 01/17/2013

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SHE PROBABLY FEELS AS IF YOU DONT TRUST HER.THINK IF YOU LET HER DATE WHATS THE WROST THING SHES GOING TO DO. IF YOU TRUST HER NOT TO DO ANYTHING WRONG WHATS THE BIG DEAL . AND PLUS WHEN YOU WHERE YOUNGER DID YOU EVER HAVE A BOYFRIEND,DID YOU EVER HAVE A CRUSH. HAVE YOU EVER TRYIED TELLING HER YOU TRUST HER AND YOU DONT HAVE A PROB WITH HER DATING. SHE WILL PROBABLY FEEL BAD AND NOT DO IT . YOU JUST HAVE TO TRUST HER.

Mark - posted on 12/06/2012

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Hey There, I have been reading this post and the information has been very interesting and helpful.

I have recently banned my daughter from bloody Facebook because of this exact problem.



I eventually had to turn to a Cell spy Software that lets me track my 14 year olds GPS location and check on the website's she has been surfing like Facebook.



I found a great software that is undetectable and has helped me keep an eye on my daughter and who she is talking to. I have written my own personal story and a little bit more about this software at http://spybubblefreedownload.org



I think the readers of this post would benefit from my blog. Check it out and while your there leave me a comment on what you think about my situation. I could always do with a little advice as Parenting is not easy with all this technology the kids have access to. Gone are the days of passing notes in class and having to ask to use the home phone that was attached to the wall.



Here's my site again http://spybubblefreedownload.org

Michelle - posted on 04/15/2012

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Thank you all so much! Your comments have been so helpful. I am so thankful for Circle of Moms. My husbands family, my family ad our friends all have boys. We have some friends that have girls, but much younger. I am thankful to hear about other situations on here and guidance. Many thanks to you all..

Audra - posted on 04/14/2012

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You have some helpful posts here. Thoughts that came to my mind while reading them were...if she can't see the end of her punishment, she'll just accept it as the norm. Set a time limit on her punishment, and/or give her a list of requirements she must meet to end her punishment. Though your trust may not be 100% restored, I think it's important for her to experience good times with you, as an incentive. Extend an invite to her boyfriend for dinner. You should meet him, and she might feel more at ease talking about him around and with you. Eat dinner with her often, and give her that extra time to talk to you. Schedule a family night once a week. It's yet another chance to talk about "past (week), present, and future (week)" and to do something together that will strengthen your relationships. Best wishes.

Tabitha - posted on 04/13/2012

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When your child lies to you, she's broken a trust. When that happens in my house, there's serious consequences. My 14 year old was just reminded of that when he lied about where he was going and what he was doing. All of his extras are now locked up. He's only allowed to go to school and track, and he has extra chores to do to keep him busy. I don't have all the answers for this situation. But trust is a BIG thing with me. If I can't trust you, you'll be stuck with mommy all the time! When he gets ungrounded, he will have to earn that trust back. If he does it again, the consequences will be worse. I might have to take him to my uncle's farm to clean the horse poop or something...lol

Debbie - posted on 04/12/2012

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Hi Michelle Sorry you going through this. I have 2 teenage girls and im a single mum. My oldest is 15 years and the younger one is 13. the older one has given me utter hell the past 2 years. Ran away from home, lied, about many things, rebellious. I always tell them its a give and take situation, you have respect for me and abide by my house rules i will do the same for you. I sit both my girls down often and have a hart to hart chat about what's going on in their lives or i take each one out to coffee so we can have private time together. With school, their friends. I give them advice often about every action has a reaction in life. If they do anything that is not within the boundaries of our home there will be a huge consequence. Going to church is very important for yougsters, they attend a youth group on a Friday night and they get to learn so much. This week the message is about Drugs and Alcohol Addictions. Do you attend a church? The Youth group is there for your kids when you need advice or help with your daughter. I also tell my girls that whatever they do with their lives now determines their future, i mean having good company at school, the people they surround them selves with, negative and bad company portrays a bad image. I know they dont want to hear all the above its not cool, i do it anyway. Tell your daughter that you love her nomatter what you are always there for her, first as a mum and a friend. All the very best Michelle, know that you are an incredible mum.

Cierra - posted on 04/12/2012

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Seems to me like she doesn't respect you one bit. Those material things mean nothing to her bcuz she is finding other ways to keep doing whatever she is doing. Take everything away from her as long as you can. Computer, TV, friends, "boyfriend ", and anything that she loves to do. Make her come straight home from school and everytime she is late make her do extra chores.. let her teachers know that you don't want her using the computers at school bcuz they have access to them.. and to me it sounds like the "prettier" bras are for her boyfriend.. cut that out now while you can!

Michelle - posted on 04/11/2012

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Thank you for your advice Vickie.:) I am going to take away her phone tomorrow! These past few years have been so stressful. I am so glad I found this site for Moms, it's wonderful. take care.

Vickie - posted on 04/11/2012

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O I wished I had the perfect solution for you. I to have a 14 yo and as far as I know she has not lied to me. there is a fine line with discipline these days, if your to strict they go behind your back if your not strict enough they take advantage and maybe get into dangerous situations. I told my daughter if I caught her lying then all trust is gone and that life as she knows it will be much different. The first thing I would do to her is take away her phone because at this moment it is her most prize posession. I only have examples of how I was raised to go by, my son is 21 and somewhat sane and adjusted so maybe I did something right with him. Good luck with your situation.

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