My 14yo has stopped communication with us what can i do?

Gemma - posted on 06/16/2016 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Hi, Im wanting to seek out advice on how to re connect with my 14 year old son. His Dad and I have been divorced for over 10years now which was an awful affair and still can be. My Son chose to go live with his dad a few years ago and we have managed to stay in contact to some degree. Hes been home twice since over the Christmas holidays for a few weeks but wont explain to me why he left with his dad without telling us. He moved away without saying goodbye and left his brother behind too. Anyways this year after coming home i thought maybe we had moved forward in our relationship but when he went back to his dads he stopped answering my calls, made excuses why he couldnt talk to us then eventually after i told him i was disappointed he wouldn't keep in contact with us he cut us off completely outside Facebook. He doesnt answer my messages on facebook but remains friends with me so im grateful for that. His little brother thinks he doesnt like him anymore and my 18month old is none the wiser. His dad is very controlling and we havent had a very good history so we dont communicate at all unless he decides to play mind games with me for his satisfaction. I guess Im asking if anyone else is in this situation and have any advice of how to go about dealing with this. I miss talking to him and having him in our lives and his brother just cant understand why he wont talk to him anymore it just breaks my heart because i dont have an explanation for him. He doesnt live close so its not like we can just go visit so im unsure what to do anymore. Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks Gemma

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Nadine - posted on 06/18/2016

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I have been there. I backed off, and let him come to me. I was receptive, but not chasing. I know the pain. No advice, but biggest hugs. The pain I know well. It took me three years to get my son back. Now we are are close as can be, and my granson is the light of my life. But... Oh, I so understand. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Paula - posted on 06/18/2016

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I'm so sorry to hear about your son. It sounds like you love him and want the best for him and his brother. It may help to find some supportive, emotionally mature adults to spend time with. We are all designed for relationship so we need people in our lives to encourage us and help bear our burdens. I would keep the communication open with your son and explain to his brother that you love him and hope some day soon you'll get to see him more, but right now it's up to him. I would focus on your other son and the positive things in your life. I hope it's OK if I pray for you and your family.

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Gemma - posted on 06/19/2016

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Thanks Nadine I hope I can have the same outcome. He will be 15 in a few weeks! I know its an awkward age especially with hormones, girls, school and all that stuff I remember oh so well but I miss chatting to him we were close when he was younger but now its as if i dont exist. He's a smart, intelligent and a kind boy its just hard for him in our situation Im the easiest one to hurt but I hope as he grows we can reconnect some day. Thanks again your words are comforting and Im glad you got your son back 3 years must of felt like forever.

Gemma - posted on 06/18/2016

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Thanks Paula I appreciate your kind words and prayers. I have a beautiful family and friend support network who have been through the whole ordeal with us. It isn't only dissapointing for me but my family and friends who have been a big part of his life as well. They are also devastated by this situation hopefully its a phase he is going through. I turned to this group as sometimes its good to hear from others that have experienced similar situations. Thankyou again

Gemma - posted on 06/17/2016

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Yes counselling has helped over the years but talking and problem solving can only do so much I think its at the point unfortunately I have to move forward without him and be patient. He knows we love him and I guess when the time is right who knows but for now there isnt anymore I can do. I send birthday and christmas gifts etc and thoughts to keep the line open as I dont want him to think Ive forgotten about him. Thanks very much for your communication I know its hard to advise when you dont have the full picture its a long and complicated story but the bottom line was I could never play the game of deceit, manipulation and revenge over the years with my ex husband i could never understand as I dont have that thought process and in the end he got exactly what he wanted complete control.

Gemma - posted on 06/16/2016

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Hi Evelyn, yes i thought as much. I used to message once a week but have cut back to fortnightly sometimes only monthly just depends. They were living with his Nana but have moved out sometime this year next door where we used to live years ago only being told through a cryptic message from his father. I guess Im scared Im going to lose him completely but Ive realised I have to be patient and let go like you said until he decides to communicate back. He has always been very loyal to his dad and finds it hard to have a relationship with me because of the guilt that is placed on him which I've excepted. I guess what i want to know do they come back toy you. Family and friends always say he'll come back to you but will he im not so sure. Im looking to see if there are mums that have experienced this and what the out comes were. Thanks for replying i appreciate your advice.

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