My 15 year old daughter is lazy and uses us.

[deleted account] ( 10 moms have responded )

My daughter is 15 and has a major attitude problem with me. I bendover backwards, do everything I can to make her happy and all I get is backtalk, treated like crap, and used. She will be nice when she wants something, and then after she gets it (material or whatever) she goes back to being a bitch. The only person that makes her happy is her boyfriend, which whom comes from a dysfunctional family unlike us. My daughter have always come first. She gets new clothes, shoes when she needs them or sometimes a good sale. She goes places with her friends and boyfriend (who is older than her). We drive her where she wants to go, buy her clothes, makeup, whatever she needs. Feminine products etc. I however have been wearing the same clothes for years (10 at least) She has a 7 year old brother, who she treats like garbage. She is only nice to him when she is bored or has nothing better to do, otherwise she calls him names and fist fights with him. She tells me to stay out of her business, sorry but at 15 I should be in your business. She hurts my feelings all the time. She is lazy..the only time she will clean up is if her boyfriend is coming over or she wants to do something. She is going to prom with her boyfriend. We paid for her gown, paid for her boyfriends tux (because of his deadbeat parents) we paid for the corsage and bootineer for them. All the boyfriend had to pay for was the tickets for the prom. We are trying to be good parents and give our children more than what we had growing up, but she doesn't even appreciate it. She thinks we have money... we live pay check to paycheck. She thinks money comes easy, we tell her it doesn't. She always plays the defense on us, like we are attacking her or blaming her if we say anything. The only thing in this world that makes her happy if her boyfriend. ( not just this one, but any one she has had which has been only 2) She is still a virgin, I know that thanks to the obgyn. I am just ready to give up completely. I don't want to live in my own house anymore with her. I don't really want to be around at all. Maybe if I died she would be happy. I have no clue. I don't know what to do or where to go, I am tryuing to make it through the teen years. I find myself just wishing the years away so she can go and be on her own. I have a 7 year old son to raise still. He is the only reason why I am still on this earth, I can only imagine what would happen if I happen to not be here. Thank goodness for him. All I know is I am never happy anymore, my mother's day was horrible, every holiday is horrible because of her. My husband and I have always been loving and caring and giving etc. She used to be a loving caring person to us, but now it is just for her boyfriend. I give up I don't know what to do anymore. Is anyone else going through this? My heart aches all the time. What do we do?
- loving mom with a hateful daughter

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Shara - posted on 05/19/2013

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I had a really hard time with my daughter around her 18th birthday. She always played the poor me card. I am a single parent of 3. My youngest is 10 years younger than my daughter. I too felt angry and didn't want to be in the house. There was so much anger and tension, it was effecting everyone. Sometimes I think they take things out on us because we have always been there and they know we always will. They hardest thing I had to learn was to not engage in her arguements, not participate in her yelling matches. I kept reminding her that the number one rule was she needed to be respectful and that she needed to contribute to the family if she would remain here. She wanted all the benefits of being an adult and none of the responsibility that came with it. She actually moved out twice and it was so hard to watch her go even tho she was making me so crazy. Mom guilt is a terrible thing and we always want better for our kids. Problem with that is they come to expect it. I would tell you to try to keep your composure with her. Insist on respect and communication. I started refusing things unless she would talk to me. She knew if she yelled enough I would shut down and walk away. This behavior needed to change. Consultancy and patience. I'm happy to say she's now 19 and still at home. She is working and going to school and has learned responsibility. She takes care of her own necessities and contributes around the house with chores and groceries. Tough love, friend. Hang in, you can do this. You aren't doing her any favors by giving in to her.

Jodi - posted on 05/15/2013

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Just a tip....the last time my son gave me mouth and complained about his chores, etc, I stopped doing anything for him. I was not his taxi, his cleaner, his maid, his cook. Tough as it may sound, it sure made him realise how much he is still actually dependent on me and he gained a little more respect.

These days, he has a part time job (he is 15) - he pays for his own clothes (other than the basic necesseties), he pays to go to the movies, etc. It has been a good lesson. He understands, now, how much work goes into paying for something he wants.

Mary - posted on 05/16/2013

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hi there, you sound very hurt and angry about the way you are treated. Your own childhood was a lot harder? I can relate to the feelings- i find it very hard to say no to my 15yr old and also get the friendly behaviour when things are wanted. Other times i am astounded at the expectations she has for things. Like she is entitled to things we would never had asked for or expected when i was her age. I feel very responsible for this materialism and also very disappointed with the disrespective tone. When i point this out i am told to calm down. You feel like you can't win!
i read that we are meant to stay calm and above all let them know they are loved. Wow that can be HARD!! Would you be able to see a counsellor or someone to help you with your feelings and how to cope?. I agree with the others.. she will pickup on your feelings. Even though you have a right to feel like you do!.

Dixie - posted on 05/14/2013

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Knowledge is power. Learning about the physical, developmental, and emotional changes that adolescents experience might increase your ability to communicate more effectively with your child. Although she may look like a grown up at this point, she does not think like one yet. Continually projecting anger toward her is not an effective way to deal w/ issues that upset you. A sense of responsibility is learned not automatically ingrained. Include her in decisions regarding the material things that she wants and the expected behaviors that will afford her those luxuries. The reasoning center of her brain will not be fully developed until around the age of 23/23; you cannot expect her to think like you. Being firm and fair about house/family rules might create a more pleasant atmosphere for the whole family. Don't be so offended that she wants to make some of her own decisions, that is the expected/desired course of development. If she is not allowed to take some control (w/ guidance from you) of her choices now, how can you expect her to be capable of doing it when she is 20? Parenting is more than being in control and making all of the decisions for everyone. All members of the family should be contributing members to the group as a whole; it takes a team effort to manage a happy household.

Enna - posted on 05/13/2013

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Honey, you are doing WAAAAAAY too much for your daughter. If she can't respect you, then she doesn't deserve all the nice things you do for her and buy her. I think if you cut off her funding for her new stuff she can be taught a lesson that she needs to respect you in order to get the things she wants. I know it's hard because you want to give your kids everything, but I think you're doing her a disservice by letting her think she can get whatever she wants no matter how she acts.

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Harmony - posted on 05/20/2013

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I know the feeling hunny my 14 year old daughter dose the same thing except I can't give her what she wants I just don't have it to do that I would love to but I can't I live on disability only I do what I can we can't afford her karate classes at all but im figuring it out somehow but you have to stop giving in to her I have the same problem I want to give her everything and I have to stop giving in to her and give her tough love thank you for listening harmony

THE FRAZZLED - posted on 05/17/2013

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Wow Whitney, everyone else that replied said almost the same thing but was SO much nicer.

[deleted account]

First of all. Not okay to ever refer to your child as a bitch. Because if you are going to call her that, then she's got every right to call you that. It's not your place to judge someone's family. Every family is dysfunctional in some way, shape or form because people aren't perfect. Since you're posting here, I'd assume your family is dysfunctional too. Your family isn't perfect so don't compare it to someone else's and say it's better. Why would you judge someone based on where they come from? Sounds like your spoiling your daughter, therefore you're creating what she has become. You've taught her to be selfish and lazy. Sounds like she doesn't get consequences for anything she does. Maybe you should learn to love your daughter and not favorite your son over her. Mostly you subcontiously project those feelings onto her, thus her behavior.

[deleted account]

Thank you Roxanne. We do cut her off, take her stuff away, punish her etc. I am wise to her now. She apologizes to me when she knows something she wants to do is coming up or something she wants, but most the time we don't know what it is, but we know she wants something when she is nice. She is a flat out user. I feel so strong about it.

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