My 16 year old son is out of control

Roohi - posted on 07/13/2012 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My 16 year old son is out of control since last year. He has ODD. Smokes pot, drinks, has dropped his grades, changed 4 schools and now i have him on a program paying for him to get 24 credits to earn his GED at a community college. He will turn 17 in September. He does what he feels like. Has sex with strangers (girls around his age) he meets on facebook. Today i found him responding to sex ads on craigslist from women and telling them he is 19. He even arranged for one of them to go to our house while i was at work but she didnt. I saw all this on the phone this morning and I took the phone away. Its hard to contact anyone at Craigs list so I posed as law enforcement and sent an email to their legal department with his aol account that he responds from. He has broken walls, doors. has runaway from home twice. the second time I hoped he would never come back. He threatens me all the tim saying he will run away. He is loud, in my face and screams and yells. I called the police twice, The second time they took him in the ambulance to the hospital. They diagnosed him with bipolar but i think he is just a brat. The therapy center called the Children Services on me the second time I took him to the hospital because they said I didnt follow up with meds. I did but he was on pot so they told me he should not take any. Now I have made an appt with a substance abuse clinic next week for him. My mother will take him but if he decides he doesnt want to go he wont. He is also abusive to my mother, walks into her house at odd times asking for money.

Bottom Line: I live in NY. I wish I could kick him out. I am so fed up. I lost 2 jobs cos of him and not about to lose the third. sometimes i find myself wishing he got arrested so he can get a good lesson, My tears have not stopped since last year.

Also he doesnt follow curfew. Goes in and out of the house whenever he feels like. I told the child services social worker this and she is good enough to warn him that if he continues with his behavior they will strip me off of my parental rights. I even found weed and alcohol in my house.

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Angie - posted on 07/13/2012

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I wish I had answers for you, but I don't...I myself am going through a similar situation with my now 15yo. After therapy, calling the police on him 4 times within about as many months, 2 acute care facilities, 3 weeks residential inpatient, another acute care facility, juvenile detention, 2 months inpatient, 7 weeks hospitalization, I refused to pick my son up and got hotlined to DFS (Division of Family Services). They put him in a foster home, he stole drugs, stole jewelry & had an incident with a butcher knife; they left him there...giving him 1 last chance; he then stole a $700 camera from school & got arrested & DFS put him in a residential facility. I knew by refusing to pick him up I would get hotlined and deal with a lot of bs from DFS, but they have resources I couldn't get my hands on.

I struggle daily with my decision because I don't know if it was the right decision; however things aren't better except the behavior and daily struggles are not in my home anymore. I miss him terribly, but I don't miss going through exactly what you are going through & the behaviors he is still showing at the residential facility. At least now I know he is safe, he isn't doing drugs, and hopefully with the individual, group, and family therapy, one day he will decide to make better behavior choices.

I agree with the facilities throwing out diagnosis; seems they are just so willing to give a label & throw meds at these kids instead of really finding out what is going on. After diagnosis of ODD, ADHD, bipolor, anxiety, depression, impulsive control disorder, my son's final diagnosis is Conduct Disorder, the next stage of ODD. I feel like months and months were wasted on the variety of diagnosis.

All I can tell you is try to stay strong, take one day at a time, stay firm in what is allowed in your home, call the police every time you find weed, alcohol (don't touch it ~ leave it where you find it...otherwise it disrupts chain of command), when he runs away, misses curfew, breaks walls, doors or threatens you in any way. They are supposed to file a report every time. There would be no phone or internet access until behavior improved. You can try contacting your juvenile office...in Missouri, a parent can file an out of control with them...I did and they drug tested him which he was positive for & he was ordered to outpatient.

Above all else, please remember you did nothing wrong, this is NOT your fault and you certainly aren't alone. There are some Love & Logic CDs that one of his therapists gave me; they helped me deal with my anger and frustration; they helped me not make his problem, my problem to an extent. It helps you separate his behaviors from him.

And probably, most importantly, let him know you are there to help him as long as he is helping himself. I'd be having a sit down with him (not that you haven't tried), and telling him you are a little over a year away from not being my responsibility, we can battle this next year or he can start making better decisions. Is this really the path he wants because if so, it's only a matter of time before he ends up in jail...his choice, but not what you want to see for him.

Best of luck to you!

Angie - posted on 07/14/2012

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It is hard when you are a single mom ~ I'm in the same boat & it makes it even harder when his dad doesn't think any of it is a big deal; he was furious I involved juvenile when my mail got suspended for 4 days from my son threatening and harassing the mailman, he thinks it's stupid I called the police on him when he kicked a hole in my wall (if his parents would've called the cops on him every time he put a hole in the wall or a door, he would've spent his childhood in juvenile, he says); he finally showed up at a hearing, insisting he could come live with him, but as soon as he found out he would have to get drug/alcohol tested (he's on parole for felony DWI's), get home visits, do parenting classes, he bailed as quick as can be & is now refusing to cooperate with DFS...not surprising, he's $13,000 behind in child support, never did take that parent thing seriously.

I left mine with no phone/internet before...kinda freaked me out about the phone, but then I thought, our parents did it when we were kids, no having that instant communication, and we survived. Me & my oldest would also come home on our lunch breaks to check on him & bust him not home out running the neighborhood, we'd lock him out of the house, but he would always be inside when we got back.

I hope yours will get out of this stage soon...not only for your sake, but his as well. And even though your responsibility ends at 18, we never stop being a parent and even though you won't have to have the battle in your home, I'm sure you want a civil, loving relationship with him as he journeys into adulthood. I call it the other side..lol..One of my blessings is I'm at that place with my 20yo.

Hang in there, try to focus on the good, it's ok to have bad days & remember you are not alone :))

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Camvalerie2 - posted on 08/25/2016

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Oh you are almost living my life. the only time i had a break from him was when he was living in a residential but he was so close to 18 he couldnt stay. he use to come home on visits and do the same thing. at lst i was against a residential because i was scared it would be a bad place or make him worse. but at the reisidential they make him do school work, he has to clean his room, get up at a certain time and he cant bully anyone. meds do help but at that age they like to self medicate plus adhd and odd have trouble making friends so they get into the wrong crowd. prayers for strength. you might have to go to the courts and have him removed because eventually he will hurt someone including you.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/16/2012

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Talk to a doctor. And I mean a physicologist. He sounds like he is a threat to himself and others. You may be able to have him comitted against his will. That way the only way he gets out is when he can decide to behave.

Roohi - posted on 07/14/2012

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Wow Angie I feel for you. I know I have a long road ahead of me, I keep convincing myself it's a stage. I know that once he is 18, I can't have him in my home. It's one more year left.I also left him within no phone and no Internet in the house. It's harder when you are a single mom.

Kristin - posted on 07/13/2012

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Wow I am so sorry that you are going through all this. If my son was like this which he isnt thank god i would kick him out or put him in a group home. No one needs to treat anyone like that and definately not a child to a parent. Have you maybe thought of going to counselling together or even by yourself to help you through all this? He sounds like he has some deeper rooted anger issues and is taking it out on you, so maybe therapy would work. I wish you the best and hope you come to some kind of solution soon. Sorry I couldnt be of more help

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