My 16-Year-Old Was Honest, but Should I Trust Her?

Kay - posted on 02/16/2014 ( 49 moms have responded )

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My 16 yrs old daughter asked me if she can go to a party,unsupervised after hours with her 3 best friends. (the kind of party you do not want your daughter going to) All three of her friends are going behind their parents back, but my daughter decided not to go behind my back and tell me her intentions knowing that i wouldn't approve, she decided not to lie to me . I'm not sure what to do . I trust her and she has always been a good kid,. not sexually active but curious and trust is something we both value a lot about our relationship.

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Brandy - posted on 04/15/2015

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That's a tough one. I have a 15 year old and always trusted her. I'm a single mom with only 1 child and she has always been so independent. She gets straight A's and had always been reliable.
Until 2 days ago, I found a social media site she was on and found out she had sex, tried pot, and drinking. I was shocked! I feel like I was so stupid.
So I would warn you to be cautious. Kids can be sneaky.

Janice - posted on 03/27/2014

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honestly from my point of view growing up in this horrible generation . If she tells you things like this you have nothing to worry about. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders telling your kids no all the time isn't the best thing to do. !! They tell you things because they want you to trust them but how can they if you never give them the opportunity. Im 19 years old. Im kinda just like your daughter . I tell my mom everything I hate lying. It hurt me alot when she always said no to me. I knew right from wrong but she never gave me the chance to show her. Who knows your kid may be that positive friend her friends need in order to stay out of trouble!!

Joi - posted on 10/19/2014

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Interesting situation. You mention a few times that you are aware that this is not the type of party you want your daughter to go to. I would see if your daughter agrees with you and why she thinks it isn't a good place to be. You will probably find that she thinks the same way you do. If she does, she may only be going because her girlfriends are doing it, in which case I would offer her the ability to make you the bad guy. In other words, she could tell her friends that you've asked her to do something that night, or you somehow heard her on the phone and told her she couldn't go, in other words, while lying is not a good thing, it wasn't between you and your daughter. She was honest with you and clearly trusts you enough to tell you which is always a great gift. So maybe being the bad guy is a return favor for her honesty with you; it might just help her get out of a situation that she really doesn't want to be in.

Wisdom Within - posted on 08/22/2014

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Trust your intuition on this. This is not about trust as much as it is safety. I have found that our teens will tell us things when they really do want us to step in and just need that out.

Deborah J - posted on 02/18/2014

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You have put good standards in your daughter, and she can be trusted because that is what you have put in her. However, you did not raise the other kids, and you don't know what their parents have taught them. Don't trust them. This age is not ready for an unsupervised after hours party. Remember, it not just this party, its going to set a tone for other parties and outings that will come up in the future. Keep that trust between you and her.

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Susan Mary - posted on 07/29/2017

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Have you asked a few basic questions such as who is organising the party? Who will be supervising? Will there be alcohol? She's been honest with you (well done both of you) but now be honest with her and tell her of your concerns

Betty - posted on 09/17/2016

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You have to trust what you installed in her as a strong foundation besides she came to and tell to continue coming to you

Shari - posted on 08/21/2016

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You obviously are a loving and caring parent. Congratulations on having the type of relationship that your daughter did come to you. Obviously you are doing it right. And the fact that you reached out for guidance shows how much you care and think about this. I am sure her friends are envious of the relationship you two have. Just noticed the postscript: KUDOS.

And for anyone else who has this issue, as Maureen said, either you are in their circle of trust and honesty or outside of it. If one stops her from doing too many things she wants to do, eventually you will be teaching her to lie. Instead, continue to teach her that she can come to you and you will support her, and you are much more likely to stay inside that circle. Not always, of course. Part of the circle of life is their desire to pull away and not share everything. But you want to find a place where they tell you as much as possible, trust you and don't have a reason to start lying to you.

And of course, that doesn't mean you can't set boundaries, just try to be as open and encouraging as possible. They actually do understand and respect boundaries, but try to put yourself in their place. If they see them as arbitrary or unfair, you will find them circumventing them. You still HAVE to be a parent, not a friend, but understand the age you are dealing with here. And if she violates that trust, then you can bring down the harder boundaries, and she will understand why. Just be consistent and considerate.

And the best part of it is this. If you are sparing with setting too many boundaries, you'll find they listen when you do give your opinion. They won't admit to listening, but they will.

Kay - posted on 08/11/2016

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Update---- I let her go to the party. I stayed close by and I drove her and her friends home. I chose to protect her and trust her and now she's 18, just graduated high school and we are very close, have an open honest relationship now. I have been blessed.

Susane - posted on 08/10/2016

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Well Kay, if you don't trust your daughter, you either don't love her or you didn't raise her right! She has never broken your trust, so don't give her a reason to! :)

Maureen - posted on 08/01/2016

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if she doesn't go today, she'll go tomorrow behind your back.
so why would you want to loss the trust you both already have.
kids are gonna do what they want!
and once they walk out that door, you can only hope that the great up bringing and trust you both value, will lead her in the right direction.
i am to going through the same thing with my daughter. & i trust her. i have NO reason not too.

Laura - posted on 07/22/2016

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I have been in your shoes, and trust is very important with your daughter. She has been honest with you, tell her you are thankful, but also let her know you understand her curiosity, and keep the conversation open in small spurts. Does she fully understand how easily she could become pregnant? Does she know the risks of unprotected sex? Have you asked her how she feels about friends who go behind their parent's backs to get their way? Does she feel safe in an unsupervised party? The world is dangerous, people may seem OK, but some are not in reality. Getting advice from your family doctor is a good idea, moms should not have to come up with all the answers on their own. Don't let this turn into a problem,- unsupervised activity is a big risk.

Janet - posted on 06/13/2016

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I love the fact that your daughter was honest with you and it just shows you should be able to trust her. I raise my kids with the values of honesty, safety, and respect and base most of my parenting on this. My girls know that the punishment for lying will be way more sever than the act they committed and they have always been honest with me...sometimes too honest lol. I'd let your daughter go to the party unless it involved her safetly. Kids will experiment (most of us did as teens ) but as long as she's safe in the confines of the house I'd be fine with it. You have to make the decision but props to your daughter for her honesty! Good luck. Jan

Angie - posted on 05/02/2016

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That's great she was honest with you, but I personally would say no a underaged teenaged party just seems life a recipe for disaster, no matter how much you trust you're daughter it's the other kids you have to worry about.

Pam - posted on 04/04/2016

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My 17year.old is really out of.control it starts 8 months ago hanging with bad bad friends
She started drugs and stayingnout disappear and I'm trying being a single parent she and her dad play manipulate games . the dad comes from an bad home.life as a teenager so it's bwve ending battle. What to do age doesn't nothing we tell her and she has been shoplifting with this other gurl and she is so messed up sh this this girl is a great close friend. She is almost done high school and she is taking correspondence to graduate . I'm so so at end of.my role of what to do and when I first got divorced took her to coubselling she said nothing to the professional it was waste if time . please help me with some I sight what step to take next. Thanks pam

Vivica - posted on 03/10/2016

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Trust her. She came to you 100% real and told you what was going on.... You should let her know how proud of her you are so that she can be encouraged and continue to be honest...Girls struggle really hard in. This day in age to fit but she decided that it wasn't that important to her to fit in this time....THAT'S AWESOME AND SHE SHOULD KNOW IT. no reason not to trust unless she gives you a reason....

Christy - posted on 02/09/2016

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Just wondering if maybe she wants you to tell her No. I also struggle with this type of issue. I am trying to start looking at this differently. We give our kids choices, we want them to be good. Yet, we let them go to places where we know there are more than likely going to be bad things going on. Will they not be cool, will their friends think they are lame, what will they be missing... So many things... At the end of the I think you as her mom have to ask yourself will my daughter be in a safe environment. If you cannot answer yes then it's all of us moms duties to keep our kids safe first! Good luck, I know it's hard.

Rena - posted on 02/04/2016

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Trust her , but maybe you should contact the parents of the one giving the party. Maybe they don't know, ;and in that case explain to her why she can't go. I think that her 3 friends might not be good influence

Sheila - posted on 01/10/2016

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Sometimes kids ask their parents for things hoping they say no so it takes the pressure off of them.

Kelly - posted on 08/11/2015

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You should happy she told you about this ahead of time. But she shouldn't be allowed to go the party anyway.

Pamela - posted on 05/13/2015

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Since it is an after hours party and the other girls are going behind their parents' back, it would not be wise to let your daughter go. It's like the parents of underage teens letting them drink in their home because they know about it. As a parent of two good (now) boys in their twenties, I caught them and their fellow honor roll friends doing all sorts of illegal activities. Don't trust any teenager but keep the lines of communication open.

Bridgett - posted on 02/19/2015

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I personally would have a hard time with this because I am having a hard time letting them grow wings and test to flight. It is obvious you/husband have raised her to tell the truth. I would ask more questions like who will be there , if she has a boyfriend will he be there. I always have a question for my boys. I help out at the school , I have a large vehicle so I am always driving athletic teen boys around and my boys and their girlfriends. I have always had kids at our home so that I can keep up who their friends are and listen quietly to there talking to see what teens are doing drugs, selling drugs, having sex and drinking. So if you make a list of questions and you feel better trust her until she does mess up. Trust me they will mess up but if they have a conscience then they are more likely good kids

Virginia - posted on 02/17/2015

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i think you should trust her. but let her no that you will be watching out for her

Allison Peters - posted on 11/26/2014

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It is good that she told you award her for that. Then sit an have a conversation with her on the good and bad of such a party. Then tell her your willing to drop and pick them up. Her end party time. And get some one you trust to escort. Or a phone to check on her on an of. One she ain't answer you'll be there at your worst. Cause your job is to be her mom not friend. And you'll always be over protective. Of your little girl.What she will always be.

Kerrie Kathleen - posted on 10/30/2014

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I love how honest your daughter is, it shows you are doing a wonderful job raising her. I too have a 16 yr old daughter our relationship sounds very similar to your & your daughters, so I can relate to what you shared. I now you posted this way back in Feb. but I am sure you are still dealing with similar things with your daughter. With that said, I agree with one of the other moms' post below, I think you should get a code text or something between you two that alerts you its time for her to leave the party if she feels uncomfortable, that way she doesn't have to be embaressed that she made the decision to leave, she can put on her 'mom' that 'she's' too overprotective and changed her mind and doesn't want her there or 'dad' didn't know about it and said no and she has to leave, something like that. It's not the friends' business to know the exact reason you & your family chose to have her leave a party; this way she can go but have an emergency 'out' if she needs it. I hope that helps.

Jill - posted on 10/25/2014

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Do let her know how much respect you have for her decision! Perhaps you can tell her you want the two of you to brainstorm an alternative that will keep her safe (because you care so much about her) and that you want to help her make a mature decision as opposed to making it for her. See what happens, and listen carefully and help her from the sidelines. Once she sees you are the coach, teaching to her emerging maturity and are not just the authoritarian parent, the balance of power will shift and you might be surprised at the outcome!

Deborah Lee - posted on 07/27/2014

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Having an honest relationship with your teenagers is a wonderful thing. I was so fortunate to have that with both of my step-daughters. They have been with me since they were 6 and 3. The only question I have is from the statement you made, "the kind of party you don't want your daughter to go to". Depending on what just might be going on at the party it becomes a matter of safety, not just trust. I trust my daughter's but I'm not going to let them enter the "lions den" just because they were honest. It's a double-edged sword being a parent at times. You'll know what to do.

Myla - posted on 04/28/2014

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I can only tell you what I do. Trust is something that is earned, kudos to your daughter for letting you know.

I am completely honest with my kids about everything in my life and they know without a doubt that I do NOT lie. Many of our conversations are about being and doing the right thing. I keep all communications open and when they talk to me about anything, I sit, listen completely without interruption. I know that teenage talk can just be a bitch session or idle gossip. BUT they are talking (if they want to spend time telling me about their day, I see it as a gift) I try not to judge and just listen.

At one point in their lives I wasn't really listening, like I wasn't able to recall the names they mentioned, etc.

For us, me listening and listening completely, changed our relationship to a whole new level.

They trust me, I trust them and it's more than I ever dreamed we would ever have.

Celebrate the fact your daughter came to you, take it at face value.

Not sure if that helps.

Myla

JUDITH - posted on 04/22/2014

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A follow up thought - a Counselor once told me - Trust until they show you they can't be trusted.

JUDITH - posted on 04/22/2014

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My Mom NEVER trusted me - and so I learned that it didn't matter whether I told her the truth or not. It's hard for me to trust now because of how I was raised - BUT TRUST HER. She told you the truth. Let her go. It's hard - but it's the right thing to do.

Faith - posted on 03/19/2014

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Well it sounds like you have done a good job teaching her honesty, and she obviously values your & her relationship.
If you have a huge red sign popping up about this party...I definately would not ignore it..my answer would be no.
Definately not..
Better safe than sorry I always say...& listen to your inner voice mom, ..god put it there for a reason.
Best wishes..

Dilshad - posted on 03/11/2014

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hi kay , i very happy to note that ur daughter trust u. n it means a lot but i would share my view it may contradic with others but though i am a mother of a son i m headmistress of co.ed school. though we trust, instruct,, care in our shell n children too do with us but when they go in their world others influence more than the parents n their u wont be their to protect her. n once damage it is too late to repair.give her the best in family . prepare a new definition of enjoyment n she will understand show her all pros n cons of the world. involve her in decision making give her responsibility. she will grow in fine person.

Stephanie - posted on 03/11/2014

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Hello Kay, Congradulations on having such a wonderful daughter. As you said your daughters friends are going behind their parents back which speaks volumes about their relationships with their parents. i personally would step back and look at your daughter.. she has come to you because she wants to go but does not want to lie to you. I feel if you gave her a few boundaries for this party ie no drinking and show her you trust her, she will do good. And the bigger picture is that when something serious happens in her life she feels and knows she can come to you.. tell her your fears if need be... xx

Kay - posted on 03/03/2014

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Well thank you for the warning Kimberly, thank you very much. First let me start by saying thank you to everybody who took the time to read my post then share their thoughts and now for an update on how things turned out. What I decided and told her in the end was that she could go however, I needed the address of the party and that they call me when their ready to come home anytime before 1am and that I would pick them up from the party as they could not get in a car with anyone . She agreed. Long story short, She didn't end up going to the party and when I asked her why? (Here's the cute part of the story , at least I thought it was cute) She told me the reason why we didn't go was because his (the boy having party) mom said there were already too many people !!! lol His Mom ?

Kimberly - posted on 03/02/2014

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Yes here is a good place and it helps others learn from your experience.

Also let me warn you about a lady named Linda who posts mean ugly hateful things to nice people. Those things are also mostly FALSE. The lady is deranged. NUTS! When you one of her posts either skip over it or read it for entertainment value only. DON'T TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY. THOUGH.

Kimberly - posted on 02/26/2014

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No! And that is from a mother who is very permissive.

Seriously, she could end up like the girl 15 or 16 at the end of summer party a few years ago up in Stubenville, Ohio---so durnk she had no clue who or what had been done to her until the smart phone pix started circulating. You can Google or Bing that as Stubenvile Rapes if you don't know about that situation. . As a side point, her parents were lucky because she was "dead drunk." A little more and she would have been simply "dead."

You have no way of knowing who will be there, how old they will be, their criminal records, what drugs they may pass around or slip into her root beer.etcetera..

As I stated earlier, I'm permissive and have let my older two attend teen parties at homes with teen drinking, where I knew the parents who would supervise things, but would never ever consider letting them go to any party without parents around.

Sarah - posted on 02/26/2014

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I personally had a very strict mother, who I was 99% honest about with everything (every child keeps some secrets weather or not we all want to believe it..) and had I ever asked about such a party, she of course would've said hell no. When I was younger and a teen of course it would've made me upset but I got over it because my mom always explained to me WHY she didn't think I should go (or whatever the situation was) she always explained to me that she trusts me, but also knows that teens are easily influenced and so on and so fourth. My mom was always open to my opinion of "that's not fair". But she was generally firm if she felt I could be in danger, or in a situation that I'd ultimately regret later in my life. I know I would not be anywhere near as responsible and level headed as I am today if my mom hadn't been firm and held her ground, and I can only thank her now today for being that way as I never stayed "friends" for very long with the people I now see were not good friends, and not good people as a direct result of her parenting,

[deleted account]

I think you did a great job with your daughter. It shows when she asked you if she could go to the party. I think you should let her go but make rules like someone has mention. If you and your daughter can come up with a safe plan for them to go and give them a time to be home. Let her know that you will be dropping off and picking them up. I really don't see a problem.

Great job mommy

Lacey - posted on 02/25/2014

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If you want her to keep being honest with you and involve you in her life, let her go. Perhaps lay down some conditions and have her check in every hour or so, but if you want to have an honest relationship with your daughter, you need to let up on the reigns at an age like 16. She approached the matter in a mature manner and told you about the party to seek out some understanding, and you should appreciate that. She could just as easily have lied to you like her friends did to their parents. And if she really wanted to try new things (drugs and such) she doesn't need to go to a party for that. Many parents don't realize how freely available it is and how many teens will do drugs during school hours. By letting her go do not feel like you are not exposing her to that, you are actually allowing her to have a good time with her friends and feel responsible to make smart decisions and refuse the negative things based on how you have raised her. She will feel like you are counting on her for that. Not only will you know where she is and who she is with in case anything does happen, but she will feel very grateful for having a reasonable parent and this will improve your relationship with her overall. Hope this helps :)

Laila - posted on 02/24/2014

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I don't think you should allow her to go. You can trust her, but her friends, who may or may not be trustworthy, will encourage her to try things they try. They will pressure her consistently.

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