My 17 yr old daughter up and moved out

Angela - posted on 02/13/2016 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I am incredibly devastated right now. On Feb. 8 my daughter sent me an email accusing me of abusing and saying that she was moving in with her boyfriend. She is a junior in high school, attends a private all girls high school, plays national travel volleyball and is a sweet loving girl. She started dating this boy about 5 months ago (a senior at the local public school, 18 year old that doesn't want to go to college). She has always been a good kid, never had issues with curfew, decent in school but could do better. As with any teen she can occasionally allow her attitude to get her in trouble.
Her friends are completely shocked about this as well. They did say in the past week Maddy had been a little different but was excited to be heading to Chicago with me for her next volleyball tournament, and with me she made plans for us to redo her bedroom over kid winter break. My daughter was given a 2013 Ford Edge for her 16 birthday, she has a MacBook pro, iPad, iPhone 6 plus. Not by any means that monetary items mean a good life, but just that she definitely had everything she needed, and most of what she wanted.
What I found out after she left is that she was in some trouble at school. She had gotten caught cheating on a test and had her boyfriend steal the notice out of our mailbox. She had never been in trouble for anything like this before. I had questioned her about the grade (we can see grades online) and she blew me off saying the teacher entered it wrong and would fix it next week and I believed her. Then after a school dance she was supposed to spend the night at a friends, I saw something on her phone that made me believe she had lied, so j asked her about it, she of coursed denied it and I said I was going to call the mom. What I didn't know is that same day she went to school and was questioned by the principal and counselor about leaving the school dance early (they aren't allowed to come and go from school dances, they gave to stay for the full dance). At this point the school mentioned it would be a good idea for them, mom and her to have a meeting. That night is when Maddy didn't come home. We have evidence that her boyfriend researched the laws about teens moving out in Michigan. This place my daughter is living is with her boyfriend, his mom and his younger brother in a 2 bedroom apartment and the moms boyfriend stays there sometimes. The mom took my daughter to the police station and had her turn in her car, laptop, iPad and phone and declare she is choosing to move out. The mom refuses to talk to me, my sister, my mom or anyone in my family. The mom then had my daughter come with the police to get her clothes. It has been 4 days, my daughter finally contacted me via email asking me to leave her jeans on the porch because she forgot them. Her boyfriends mom has a boyfriend who says he will pay for my daughters high school ($12000/year) and her college, they have bought her a new iPhone 6 plus.
I can not eat, I can not sleep, sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. I can't leave my house. Honestly if it wasn't for my husband I would probably have killed myself. My husband is her step dad, he has been in her life for the past almost 9 years (my daughters father passed away from cancer). My husband and daughter have always gotten along great. He is supportive of anything and everything she does, he is involved in her life and the 2 of them have always gotten along.
From her school to her family to her friends we are all crushed and shocked. I don't know what to do.

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Jean - posted on 02/16/2016

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I want to start by saying I am very sorry for what is happening. Also, I don't know you but do not blame yourself. This happened to me but my daughter waited until she was 18. The best thing I did was took care of me and you health. I went to counseling, sought out help and support for me. I also started to go to church and started to pray again. That is what got me through. I feel your pain and it was the worst pain I ever felt as a mom.
If you give her space she will come back. The only thing I did is make sure she was mentally safe. I allowed her to keep her phone but cut her off completely financially. Best thing I did.
Your daughter made a choice and with choices there is consequences. Teenagers like their cake and eat it too. Remember they are naturally selfish. Take one day at a time and pray a lot! Let go and let God protect her. My daughter is now back living with us and is going to school. Never thought that would ever happen. She stayed out for 6months. When I say this to will pass. I mean it, it will. Good luck. Take care of you so you are strong enough when she at back at your front door.

Iflirty - posted on 02/16/2016

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You hang in there, Angela! Trust me, time and faith will bring truth. Your daughter is young and she needs time and space. As much as you feel your daughter has made attack upon you that may not be truthful to her perception. I know, I have a daughter who has pushed space between us. I'm so proud of my daughter for exerercising her independence from me....she learned well from me! She will come back when she is ready. She went viral yesterday and she texted, "I am famous". She makes me proud and I know I played a role in her strengths to protect her rights, she is deaf-blind. Love your daughter..........just write whatever invitation you can to cause your daughter to trust that you wish to communicate and, within commucication, you wish to learn of her desires so you may support them (even if you are adverse due to "wisdom"). Always attempt to keep the lines of communication open. I cry....my mother, that I had deep trust in, has acted to destroy me, and my daughter was her weapon....expoitation of our relationship and my trust! My daughter is #1, and, oddly, my mother's mother was deaf-blind. I'm so ashamed of my mother, I wish to whole-heartedly act in my daughter's best interest (inheritance case). Keep your daughter close. I said "one letter", well, in each letter tell your daughter you will stop writing if she tells you to STOP in a letter or other communication. That protects you from being a harrasser or wrong doer. Send her an self addressed stamped envelope so "cost" or whatever cannot be an excuse for your daughter not being able to tell you to STOP and she claim harrassment. Give her time, tell her the time. Like, I will write in two weeks if I don't hear "STOP" in writing or orally (on phone) from "YOU". Hang in there....don't kill yourself (for me, my mother has betrayed, and, I wanted to die rather than cope with the pain, I get it). You are vulnerable, don't harm yourself, cope! I promise, you are the best of mothers!!! Your daughter needs you to be there alive and well, she just won't admit that yet. Your daughter is stong and standing up for her rights at this time and, sadly, her biggest fan she has done the most harm to. BE STRONG, she is young and just is not realizing the meaning her mother has in her life, not yet. Angela, I do believe you are your daughter's best friend, she's just not ready to admit that yet. Hang in there, Baby!

LeAnne - posted on 02/13/2016

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Since you cannot stop her, try to support her. Help her with life. If she moved in a with a boyfriend and if you can afford it, try to visit them with any excuse you can create. Get something for their place. If she is pregnant get her baby stuff, help prepare a nursery. Please do not stay away from thinking she will learn it the hard way and come back. If she is making a mistake be there when it backfires. Our children are who make us who we are and there no returns or refunds. Both their sufferings and joy affect us with maximum effect. Good luck and stay strong.

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Nicola - posted on 09/27/2016

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Thanks, your post has given me hope. My 18 yr old daughter left home and school in the week she turned 18 which was about a month ago Aug 2016. It all happened so fast she has followed a boyfriend who is 20 & having a very large influence over her life to a farm 1000km from here. It has been very traumatic to say the least - after she left I found that she had taken things like her birth certificate which was more hurt as it looked as though her and the boyfriend had been cooking it up for a while - planned it all I'd say. I had been having trouble with her picking fights with me as an excuse to go after him & her tearful and arguing on the phone to him every night as she wasn't already with him. Haven't talked to her much since she's been gone as still trying to get my head around what has just happened and cope - I brought her up on my own and was a dedicated parent - thanks your experience has lessened the anxiety I have been feeling

Angela - posted on 02/15/2016

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Iflirty, thank you for your words of advice and support. I found this website and thought it may be a place I could talk about my struggles and get help, advice and support. Prior to your response I was ready to walk away from it. I sit her so vulnerable and think of all the times I have been on the outside judging others from my perfect world and I am ashamed. It seems with a world full of hurdles if us moms could provide support rather than judgement, advice rather than tongue lashings, kindness rather than contempt...lives could be changed, even saved.

I have reached out to my daughter a couple times bus email. I tried to focus on my wish to see her, that I love her no matter her choices and her know that my door is always open. Her aunt, grandma and grandpa and cousins gave all reached out to her as well.

Iflirty - posted on 02/14/2016

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Thanks Evelyn,

I feel so fortunate that I have really good kids (3, and all now in college). I'm far from being perfect mom. I hope it all works out in a positive manner for the Mom (and her husband) and Daughter experiencing crisis.

Iflirty - posted on 02/14/2016

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Cut and paste link: http://www.lawrefs.com/17-year-old-runaw...



Evelyn, my gut tells me that the run-away daughter used "abuse" as a means to put her mother on the defense and stop her from 'acting' to cure her daughter leaving.

You wrote, "As a parent we are supposed to be setting models of how we should behave, work and grow as a person. We should be placing rules and consequences for the kids so they can learn how to deal with the choices they make."

Age 17 can be challenging for parents and children. Each person and family is unique. Rules and consequences may not apply to a 17 year old that declares independence from living at home. Remember the daughter pulled out the "abuse" word, and, as I said, my gut tells me the daughter has acted to position herself to be the one in control....nothing mom can legally do to stop her daughter from acting as she is at this time.

You wrote, "Also, kids do not need their every wish or whim filled or even most of them. The car and technology should be considered privileges not rights."

Daughter turned items into police......so mom would not have an claims of property rights. Daughter is in control.

You wrote, "Also I do not understand what you mean about the law in your state and her moving out. She is under 18 and is still your responsibility until that age."

Cut and paste link above, the article provides explanation and links to the Michigan laws applicable.

You wrote, "As for not being able to get a hold of her if she has her own phone do you have the number. I am just not understanding why you have allowed her to walk all over you and move out and so on. I know you told what has happened but the abuse question makes no sense and her just doing this without you intervening makes no sense."

Mom is now vulnerable to daughter claiming harassment and maybe even obtaining a Restraining Order if mom doesn't honor daughter's wishes. Only thing mom can legally do is Petition the Court. But, that will fail due to Michigan Laws.

You wrote, "LeAnne--I hate to say it but sometimes kids need to learn things the hard way because if we parents pamper them all the time they will never learn."

I agree, sometimes kids need to learn the hard way....that way being they themselves making foolish choices, but, maybe daughter will learn a most valuable lesson that may improve her decision making ability in the future.

In the meantime, mom needs to keep herself together and rationalize that daughters actions may not be as personal as it appears (and, that is a ridiculous statement from a mom's view). Think about it, daughter wants to spend time with boyfriend, have other freedoms, and she found a way to get her way legally. Calling out the word "abuse" is threatening and mom is put out successfully to daughter's desire.

Mom can write a letter (one only) and wait for daughter to reach out to her. In the meantime Mom can keep updated on educational activities. Be careful, Mom, for if your daughter feels you are present at school she may choose to drop out.

Not knowing the people and the exact experiences, a letter might say something like this:
Dear Daughter,

Challenging as it is I'm adjusting to your decision to have independence from your family/home. I'm interested in spending time with you and hope you feel the same. Maybe we could begin with having a lunch or dinner at a restaurant soon, just you and me. It is not my intention to undo all your hard work, I simply would like to maintain contact and ensure you know you have a mother that cares and loves you and wishes you happiness. You know how to get in touch with me.

Love,
Mom

Norma - posted on 02/14/2016

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I don't just dont know what anymore with my son that is 17 years we don't have a good relationship because he said a that he hates me.the problems that I having with is that he doesn't care about his school grades like to playbxbox and face book all the time he a junior and I had to but a algebra home study that cost 100 dollars to be able to make up credits if he wants to graduate and he seems not to care to do it on his own I'm constantly reminding him that he need to be working on his school and he just so hateful tours me when I'm on him about . Plus I have to pay 175 dollar for summer school to make up credit for English or else he would graduate from high school he seems not to care about I'm concern that he might not even graduate because he doesn't care. He has a pot smoking problem which he denies.
Help give me a advice . I was thinking about finding a school to send him away . Not sure I'm feel stuck

Angela - posted on 02/14/2016

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In Michigan 17 year olds can go to the police station and say I'm not a runaway I am choosing to move out and there is nothing a parent can do. Her boyfriend and hus mom took her to the police station and she said. I am still financially responsible for her but can not make her come home. I am able to reach her by email and she has responded twice asking for her jeans. Her boyfriends mom bought her on new phone on their account and I do not have her phone number. She has blocked me and my family on all social media. I am not allowed by law to force her home.
I know this sounds crazy and it is easy for you to make your critical comments about what kind of mom would allow this....trust me....I used to read stories like this and roll my eyes and judge the parents....there is nothing I can do legally.
I've never been so scared or heartbroken in my entire life

Angela - posted on 02/14/2016

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She moved in to her boyfriends moms apartment. There are 5 of them living in a 2 bedroom apartment. They will not take phone calls from me or respond to my texts or emails.

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