My 18 year old daughters boyfriend just broke up with her and I can't handle it, i need help. Am i crazy?

Susan - posted on 03/03/2012 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My 18 year old daughter's boyfriend (dating just over 2 years) just broke up with her this past Tuesday. It started out over his text that he wasn't going to see her Friday and she said she was dissapponted and it escalated from there.He said (this was all over text) that he wanted a "break", a "pause", that he didn't want to lose her, that he needed time to work things out in his head. She said that she wanted to meet with him to say goodbye the next day. He insisted he doesn't want to say goodbye, that he doesn't want to lose her, that he wants her to always be in his life. He even said that he knew they would be together in the future. She of course said breaking up was saying goodbye, but he kept insisting that he didn't want to lose her. They ended up talking on the phone that night with both of them crying as they were talking. She said he owed it to her to speak to her face to face & he agreed. In the meantime his mom called me very upset/crying, saying things like i think my son is feeling "smothered" like he can't make a move without asking her & that maybe she could back off alittle, that he has a new circle of male friends at his job and wants more of that. I personally don't think she was smothering him, i think there was pressure on him not to be so serious/in a longterm relationship/too young .I am guessing he is struggling with commitment to my daugher, i don't know for sure. Maybe he doesn't want to be "tied down". I know they are young, but they really seem to love each other. Alittle backround:they saw each other every Friday and Sat, but texted everyday (up to 200 texts per day). She stopped seeing her girlfriends so much, which I discouraged. I was behind my daughter's decision to just say goodbye, until i spoke to his mom. I just told her instead to go talk to him face to face with an open mind and listen to what he has to say before "she shuts the door".So Wed she met him with every intention of saying goodbye. But after spending 3 hours talking in person, she said she couldn't do it, that she loves him too much.She said that she told him she would not attempt to contact him at all, that if he wanted he could contact her. He said he still wanted to see her and text her but didn't know when. I have been trying to be supportive, i reached out to her close girlfrends, and they all have been spending time with her over the last few days as well as talking on the phone/texting. He ended up texting her last night, texting the question if it was too soon to contact her...she texted that: she wanted to know where she stood....he texted "a break" ...then.."But sorta Inbetween. Which idk if it just makes it harder so idk"...she responded..."so were together but not together?" "And like ur not gonna be talking to me everyday i'm assuming"...he texted: "obviously theres going to be feelings there so it's like more. And idk i can't answer that". I don't know what to tell her or what to do !! I respect his feelings and like my daughter said to me, he is the one that has things to work out that she can't help him with. I also can't believe how devasted i am, this is her relationship not mine. But i am crying just as much as her and i can't eat or sleep just like her. What should i do? I'm worried that he is going to just string her along. I also can't believe how this has affected me; am i crazy?

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Sue - posted on 03/11/2012

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Hi Susan,



I feel her pain and yours as well, and know it isn't easy watching your child suffer. But this is a rite of passage that we must all go through at least once in life and after two years together, it's a huge deal.



That being said, both of these kids are just that: kids. You didn't give his age, but I expect that he's roughly the same age as your daughter, maybe one or two years older. 18 is much too young to tie herself to one person for the rest of her life! I know she loves him, but she needs to realize that It's called a break up because it's broken. It has run its course and now is time for them both to move forward: meet new people and experience new things. Now's the time for her to live life, learn to fly and have some adventures with her girlfriends, and make new friends along the way.



Also, never in her life should she make any one person her "everything" if she is only his "something". This rule should apply to everyone on the planet. Our sons and our daughters.



Fow now, make Home a neutral zone. Do this by putting a moratorium on talking about him at home in any way: If either of you does, that person puts a dollar in a jar. At the end of a week or a month, depending on how much money is in the jar, go out for mother-daughter mani/pedis, and again, no saying his name or referring to him in any way!



It's easier to heal if they do cut ties and don't have any contact, either by phone, text or email. I know to her it will feel awful going cold-turkey, but to receive even an occasional "checking in" text from him is a mixed signal and will only serve to confuse her, holding her in place, waiting and hoping he'll "come to his senses" and come back to her. She doesn't need that!!! If he's not commited to her, he doesn't exist at all.



I wish her luck and hope you both feel better soon. Remember, if it's meant to be, it will work itself out. But then again, maybe it wasn't meant to be after all. Just let it be for now and live your lives.



Good luck!

TiAnne - posted on 06/08/2014

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Thank you all so much!! This was my daughters first relationship. I have stayed out and told her I am here for her if she needs anything. Unfortunately, she has not sought me out and seems to be handling it on her own. She had given up time with her friends to spend it all with her boyfriend. I am glad to see her making those connections again. Time heals all wounds, too bad we just can fast forward them.

Kellie - posted on 03/12/2012

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I can understand feeling upset becauase she is upset. The reality is she is just 18 and has a whold future ahead of her. She will have plenty of break ups in her life and you have to stay strong for her. If she senses that you are all upset she will become a serious drama queen. You both need to move on. Did you think they were going to be married anytime soon? I have gone through this with my youngest daughter and yes we liked the boy but I knew in my heart that neither one of them were ready for a long term relationship. I am glad it's over.

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Sabellas - posted on 05/30/2017

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what if the ex boyfriend is just stringing her along because he doesn't want her to be happy, he doesn't want her but he doesn't want anyone to have her either (well at least maybe until he has found someone first) and I think he texts her quite often leading her on. I think they may still be hooking up to have sex. This is so emotionally draining on her, what do I do? She is only 14 , and I don't think she is thinking clearly and she is depressed. I want him to stop contacting her but I don't know if I should get involved.

Christy - posted on 09/12/2012

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OMG!!!!Thank you so much all of you, I was feeling like I was out of my mind, because I have been so upset with my daughters ex for hurting her and feeling her pain, sometimes I think more then she felt it. But it is very comforting knowing I'm not nuts. Thank you Thank you

Ann - posted on 03/16/2012

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I am surprise I have found this discussion. I did not realize other moms are affected by their daughters break-ups. I have felt her pain the entire time and am still feeling it. However, the advice given by one individual here was to stay out of it and let her handle it unless she needs you. My daughter 15 1/2 has an unbelievable head on her shoulders and I knew she was up for heartbreak from the beginning but we also liked the young man. Well, it was heartbreak and I just feel her pain. We are very close and I think that is why. I am glad I found this discussion, it has helped me feel like I am not crazy. However, I am working on letting her handle it and staying out of it unless she needs me:)

Susan - posted on 03/05/2012

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Hi Louise; first of all, I'm so happy to have found this site. Thanks for listening;It's comforting to know i can speak to other Moms. I thank you for your kind words of wisdom/advice. I hope it wilI help me to see clearly for my daughter's sake. I know I need to step back and just be supportive of my daughter which I am doing; but its the emotions that are hard to keep in check. I don't let her see how upset i am. I am just trying to get her to be with her friends as much as possible.She has 3 good girlfriends which she has been spending alot of time with over the last 5 days (before that, she didn't see them much; unfortunately she spent her free time -Friday/Sat nights with her boyfriend). She puts up a good front around other people, but that changes when she thinks she is alone. She had said she wouldn't try to contact him; he started to text her on Friday evening; they texted back and forth that evening, then nothing on Sat--I think she probably checked her phone 200 times just to see. Sat night was the worst; she came home after going out with her girlfriend, sat on her bed in the dark. I came in to say i love you and goodnight and she responed with " i wish i could die". It was very difficult to hear that and to see the devastation in her face. He texted her alittle again on Sunday, just light conversation. We have talked alittle, but my emotions are so raw, I don't think it's a positive influence. I don't push her to talk about it and talk about other things, but I made the mistake today of telling her as a joke to date other guys (i knew she is NOT thinking of anyone else right now), because she went on a job interview today and the young man was interested. Her response of course to my comment wasn't good. She said "why is he going to date?' At that point, it wasn't joking anymore, and i said "well he might"--as soon as i said it i regretted it. Do i try to tell her that he is probably going to date? Am i shielding her too much? Do i not say anything? I am afraid she is going to hold on to false hope because of the things he has said. He has said: He doesn't want to lose her completely, knows they will be together, repeatedly tells her her loves her, even said he would still take her to the prom. On the flip side he has said: he is not ready, the timing isn't right, just wants a "break" right now, feels like he might be missing out on life. Another problem is that she is friends with his sister. The sister has been contacting her more than usual in the last 5 days to "hang out". They didn't hang out too much before this, just maybe once in a while they went out, although she did see her alot because my daughter was usually at her boyfriends house on Fridays and the sister was often there. The sister wants her to go with her to visit some girlfriends next week .Do i tell her not to see her?? (i mentioned today that if she is seeing the sister, i would rather it be here or to meet somewhere, not at his house). I am afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, never been at such a loss as to what to do.How do i help her to move on? I feel like i could write a novel at this point...

Angie - posted on 03/04/2012

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of course you are going to hurt if she's hurting, and I think you need to tell her what you just said..this is her relationship, not yours. This is a part of growing up and identifying your personality of what you want out of life and what you want out of a relationship. Not that you can't be supportive of her confusion or pain, but telling her what to do or not to do is based on your expectations, not necessarily yours....and the most important thing is the end goal of her being happy..happy with herself and happy with her decisions.



18 is such a life-changing age, graduating high school and having the reality of what's next and figure out your new grown-up identity and it's just as important for your daughter to find hers, whether she's in a relationship or not.

Louise - posted on 03/04/2012

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This young lad is trying to break ties between him and your daughter. I can see both sides of this. He wants to go and do man things! with no ties. If she stops him by the amount of emotion she and you are displaying then your daughter has no future with this guy who will resent her and eventually cheat on her.



My advice is to let him go and council your daughter into looking forward to knew things. She needs to be out with her girl mates and having fun doing all the things a 18 year old woman does. Celebrate her new found freedom and look forward to meeting someone new. I know this is hard to understand but you really need to hide your emotions and accept that this relationship is over because he thinks the grass is greener somewhere else. Until he realises that he has made a mistake she should cut him out of her life and show him that life goes on. He may come back in 6 months or so with his tail between his legs or he may move on to something else.



A serious relationship that has lasted two years normally evolves into marriage. He obviously does not want the ties and responsibilites of this and he is scared. Your daughter is left feeling confused and wondering what she did wrong. She did nothing wrong just society expects relationships to move on and sometimes the timing is wrong.

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