My 18 year old son is boderline and verbally abusive . Help!!

Connie - posted on 01/12/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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MY 18 year old son is boaderline and verbally abusive at times. I feel totally alone, and a little scared. He was adopted at 18 months old and is an only child. I spoiled him as a child (my fault) and now he "expects" things. I have tried to talk to him, but he just tells me to shut up and stop lecturing him. My husband is a workaholic and seems to want very little to do with him or the situation. I am the only parent I know with this problem. I have thought many times recently about kicking him out, but with no means of support, I don't know what he would do. He has no friends, because the "Normal" kids, doesn't want to hang out with him due to his disability, and the "Special" kids at his high school, well, he doesn't want to hang out with them, because HE doesn't want to be "lumped together" with those kids. I know he feels very close to me, but I'm the one who gets the brunt of his anger when things go wrong. I'm about at the end of my rope, and don't know what to do next. I feel VERY alone. Is there anyone out there who could give me any suggestions? Help!!

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Connie - posted on 01/12/2015

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I fully agree.He does remind me of an abusive husband, because after he does or says something, then later he feels bad and says he's sorry. and he sounds sincere at the time, until the next time he gets mad. I do worry about him being an abuser in relationships. I have called the police when he got phyical, and all they could do was tell me they could arrest him.I even had 2 policemen say" you don't want to do that, because all that will teach him is how to be a criminal". Also I guess I'm trying to protect him from getting a criminal record, because i'm afraid if he gets a record with his learning disability, then he'll never get a job.Because he has said he wants to get a job, and he did go to several places this past summer, and once the managers talk to him and realize he's slow, then of course the next thing they say is "Well if we need someone, well give you a call". Then he checks back and they've filled the position.I know i shouldn't worry about that, but I do. I also don't know if i could physically put him out of the house, because he is stronger and taller than I am. If I tried, I could see me getting hurt. Any suggestions. Thanks for responding and sharing your story.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/12/2015

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If he is special needs enough that he does not understand simple responsibilities, then you need to look into an assisted care/independent living center.

Connie - posted on 01/12/2015

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I have been trying to teach him these things, which i know he will need, but because of his learning disability i'm not sure how much he understands and realize's this is a fact. Not just me telling him these things because he thinks i'm upset with him. How do you know if you are getting through to kids like this?As far as the counseling goes, he was in counseling, but never seem to take the the counselor seriously, and since he turned 18, i can't physically MAKE him go. Even if i can talk him into it, I believe the person going to counseling has to WANT to change, and is willing to do what the councelor suggests. Am I wrong in thinking this way? Thank you for your reply.

Trisha - posted on 01/12/2015

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Be careful with your responses to his aggressiveness. If you give in to what he wants when he is asking aggressive you are actually just encouraging his bad behavior. You may want to temporarily lock him out of the house if he is getting abusive and scary. Tell him when he is willing to talk about his problem in a calm manner than he can come back in. If he starts to damage things, you can call the police.
The only reason I am suggesting this is because he WILL not change unless it is inconvenient for him to continue acting this way.
My husband has a history of being verbally and emotionally abusive, and we go through counselling regularly to cope with it. My husband wants to change, because he knows that this is the only way he will keep me in his life. You need to motivate your son to want to change. Otherwise, he will just have horrible relationships in his future.
My relationship has gotten A LOT better with counselling. If my husband gets vocal, or abusive, I will tell him that his anger is getting out of hand, and to leave the situation. He at that point goes for a walk, removes himself from the situation. Usually he will be back within 5 minutes to say sorry.
One of the reasons my husbands aggressiveness got so bad is because I reacted in ways that showed that the way he was treating me was effective. You must know that if this is your situation that it will only continue the cycle.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/12/2015

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You could suggest counseling for his aggressiveness, and start teaching him how to stand on his own two feet. Teach him how to apply for a job, and hold one down, teach him how to manage his finances, and get him on his own.

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