My 18 Yr old son blames me for his depression all these years

Holly - posted on 11/21/2012 ( 1 mom has responded )




Just last night he posted some terrible things about me on FB he has never done this before. He was diagnosed with depression, adhd and oppositional defiance disorder a few years ago. He says he's been depressed for years and he is right when he says I was unaware for a long time although I suspected he might be. He is angry most of the time he has talked to me disrespectfully (not all the time) for years but there are times when things are really good between us. He got into trouble in his last high school with his mouth and behaving like he didn't have to listen when he was being reprimanded he lost his license 2 weeks after getting it (I took it away) because of a bad accident that a girl got really hurt in and he was remorseful. He has a lot of problems with a lot of kids and was suicidal earlier this year. He has a job he likes now and works a lot he goes to a charter school but still isn't doing the work he needs to be doing to graduate which he says he wants to do. He's going to lose his license again because he just got 2 more tickets. He has a nice sports car and isn't asked hardly anything from us. I've been going to therapy with him for the past 2/12 years and advocating for him at school he has been living with my mom for a year now because he didn't want to live here anymore. What brought his anger about last night was me being upset with him for not showing up for his psych. and therapy appointments yesterday (I have a 4yr old and 8yr old and was busy at the 4yr old school I usually go with my teen) he said he forgot I reminded him the night before for the 3rd time so I was upset and said I wasn't going to keep doing things for him if he can't do what he's supposed to this too has been a problem for years he always places blame on someone else when he has done wrong it's never just his fault. That is only a small picture of what his teen years have been like. What he said last night hurt me deeply (I am never there for him I use him as a doorstep I am a bad parent he has always guided himself and if it wasn't for his brothers he would have been gone a long time ago (suicide).....I don't even know what to do from here.


Denikka - posted on 11/21/2012




Your son is hurting and he's lashing out. Think of it like a 5 year old screaming *I hate you* or *I;m running away from home and never coming back* or *you never let me do what I want* when you don't let them have a third bowl of ice cream.

I know, for me, some of the symptoms of my depression included flashes of almost uncontrollable rage (a person I had never met could glance at me as they walked past and I'd want to beat their face in. I never acting on those impulses, but they were there) and times where, over the smallest thing, I would want those around me to hurt as bad as I did. It was like, I couldn't get up to their level, so I wanted to drag them down to mine. I guess I wanted to feel a little less alone in the world, and knowing someone else was hurting like I was made me feel that way.

I don't want to blame depression for my mistakes, but it definitely did not help in certain areas, and there were times when the urges it created were almost undeniable. Your son sounds like he's having difficulties in his life and with his diseases.

Depression is such a difficult thing. It's such a destructive disease. Has your son considered medication? It sounds like therapy is not helping enough.

Being disrespectful at times is a pretty typical teenage thing though. The hormonal shifts can cause all sorts of problems in and of themselves. And being 18, it could be that his hormones are starting to settle, so that can cause things that worked during the upheavals to no longer work or cause his depression to behave in a different way.

It's not an excuse, but perhaps there could be reasons why your son is acting this way. Look into it. Talk to him. Try to be understanding that his lashing out may just be because of what he's feeling inside himself. Make sure he understands that while you're trying to be understanding, that the behavior is still unacceptable and hurtful, and NOT okay.You may understand WHY he does or says certain things, but you don't have to like or accept WHAT he's doing.

Talk to the counselor next time you see them, and see if they have anything to say about this.

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