My 19 old Step daughter brought drugs home

Paula - posted on 10/09/2018 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My 19 year old stepdaughter brought drugs home. I feel mad, sad, disappointed, impotent. She moves in and out of our home, we have never closed the doors on her. Every time she leaves its because she says she does not like the rules which are, clean after your self, 15 minutes of chores each day, coming home at a decent time, call if you are staying at a friend's, ask before you borrow, be honest and of course no drugs or alcohol. Its like she took that list and checked it one by one and did the opposite :(. Now we found a baggie with an assortment of drugs, her mom did a pharmacy drug test (only tests for 4 drugs) she was positive for THC, and slight color on coke, which is a false on the test. She said those belonged to her ex. Her mom took her on a road trip to try and connect with her and all that happened was that her mom was happy it was only THC. But why were those drugs in my home? The first thing she did when she came back was text her dad "I hope you did not get rid of the baggie, because I use one of those for my cramps". She dropped out of college, works 2 days out of the week her dad pays for her car and insurance, mom pays for her phone. I just don't know what to do anymore :...(

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Michelle - posted on 10/13/2018

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I think you need to stop the revolving door for her. She's an adult and she needs to make her adult decisions. She needs to get more work (even having 2 or 3 jobs so she is working more) so that she can pay for everything she wants.
Dad paying for her car and insurance is not teaching her anything. They are necessities in life and if she wants them, she needs to work for them. Also the phone doesn't need to be paid for but you can't tell Mum that, she has to do that on her own.
Time for some tough love as letting her run the show isn't working.

Beth - posted on 10/10/2018

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Paula -
First, I feel so badly for you. This is a terribly difficult situation. I suppose the easiest thing to do would be to simply tell her that bringing drugs into your house is intolerable and she has to find her own place. The risk is you could lose her and that would be terribly painful. That said, I don't think you can leave this situation un-addressed. I think I'd do a couple of things:
1) Be ABSOLUTELY sure that the pharmaceuticals you found in her baggy are truly illegal and illicit. You're about to take some hard decisions and this is a fact you must have.
2) If they are illegal, call her in for a chat and tell her that having these in your home puts you and the rest of the family at risk. That risk is intolerable so, henceforth, ALL of her pharmaceuticals will be held and dispensed by you -- be they aspirin, TUMs or Midol. I think you can expect she won't accept that, but if you agree that the risk is intolerable, than you have to make it clear that she can't live with you unless she agrees.
3) You have a tough choice as to what to do about further financial support. I think, if it were my daughter, that I would pay her rent as long as she was in college and making progress toward a degree, but not longer than ?? years (number of year dependent upon how long she's been in school to date). If I didn't do that I'd fear the worst: an adult daughter feeling entitled to live as a child in my home forever -- another thing that would be intolerable to me.
4) Tough love might not be enough. You might need some other love. Tell her how worried you are about her and consider getting her some counselling. She seems to be struggling to become an adult. Maybe she needs some help.
Good Luck. We're all pulling for you
Beth

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