My 19 year old son keeps phoning me crying!!!

Lisa - posted on 07/20/2016 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hello Ladies
I wonder if someone could give me some advice. This is my first time posting here.

Without going into the whole life story,
I have lived a very troubled childhood, full of abuse, trauma & lots of drama. DV relationships, and a lot of dysfunction stuff like losing my homes after walking out of relationships.

Unfortunately my son seems to have followed in my footsteps and followed suit, being homeless 3 times I help him build things up and have always "been there" for him the last 2 years have been a difficult one with him, he has stolen from me and others, been taking drugs and lied countless times. He's stolen off boyfriends and has not listened when I've asked him to do things. He left home at 17 as he couldn't abide by some rules I put in place whilst he was living with me. He's lived with his boyfriend, had help getting a room when he split up from his boyfriend. Which then he stole things from this lady and got evicted. Then many people came forward and said he'd stolen from them and he was pretty much outcasted by all his friends. He has no friends and only me as family. So he feels lost in life and everywhere else.

I am the mother that believes if I had done a better job to meet his needs growing up that maybe he wouldn't be in this position, and it is also a reflection of my own teenage years growing up. But I can't keep rescuing him.

I've done a lot of self development and healing around my own life and have really done my best. I realise this after years of beating myself up for how I raised my children, I put no boundaries down and now it really shows.

I have struggled on some level to connect to my eldest at times, althou on one hand we have a great relationship there is that element of totally dysfunction and co-dependancy.
I do wonder at times if I was the narcissistic mother, like I had and he is co-dependant on me.

My mother couldn't connect to me at all when I was a child and my emotional needs went severely unmet. Now I'm concerned I'm doing the same as he is in a mental hospital (which means he is now off the streets)
I do the whole loving him telling him how amazing he is and at times I give him tough love.

I am wondering whether to stop seeing/speaking to him altogether as I don't feel I am helping him at all, pretty poor I know as he is my son yet I feel concerned as I don't know whether this will help.

He just phoned, his voice was fine and then his voice changed and started crying telling me he misses me, and needs me. It just all seems so unhealthy. Yet I am trying to respect how he feels, as I know he doesn't have anyone else.

He also thinks he's being set up in the mental hospital.

I've always had spiritual beliefs in life, and yes my own life has been an emotional roller coaster yet I'm learning how to be with myself, and all the crazy parts of me. I'm piecing my own life back together.

Could anyone give me some pointers if they too have been in this position.
Tell me if you think I'm being too hard or soft, any feedback would be gratefully received.

I believe that our kids are here to teach us things about ourselves. What he is here to teach me right now I don't know. I wonder what if I'm projecting anything onto him, or he onto me.

When I spoke to him tonight I was tough on him and told him that I couldn't keep listening to him crying on the phone when he needs to learn how to be with his own emotions, and that its ok to miss me, but to just miss me!
I basically told him I've had enough and that he needs to be responsible for his own choices in life.
I don't know if anyone has heard of family constellation work I have done a lot with both my boys around the area of family. And boy has a lot come up...

Thanks for reading!
Lisa

2 Comments

View replies by

Leslie - posted on 07/21/2016

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Hi Lisa,
I'm sorry to read your plight. You asked for an opinion and I hope you are ready and willing to take in mine. I understand you had a difficult life and sometimes we can't give our children things we've never had as children ourselves. I feel your pain as I myself grew up in a dysfunctional family, not as severe but nevertheless dysfunctional. But when I read that your boy is I'm a hospital and crying it breaks me. This is not about you, this about this kid because even though he's 19 he's still a kid who is depressed and lost in his emotions and you are ready to give up on him because he's making you feel some kind of way. I say to you, step up for him as no one did for you. Love on this boy like you haven't before because he needs it. I'm not saying to condone bad behaviors like stealing but you have to see why he's doing what he's doing. Somewhere along the line your parenting skills were limited and this is a result. Please don't take this as a slight against you, but I think you have enough insight to take ownership. This kid is screaming for help but doesn't know how to express himself positively. Sometimes kids behave poorly because they have grown accustomed to receiving attention through negative behavior. Visit him if you can, let him know you are there for him, love him through the darkness. To me you just can't give up on him, he's your child and wants to feel validated, heard, acknowledged and loved. Tough love I get but right now he's hospitalized and hopefully receiving treatment but if his family is not participating than any treatment he receives gets flushed away. You asked what is your boy teaching you, he's teaching you to get passed yourself and get in touch with him. Lisa, take the opportunity to do different than you ever have in your life. This child's life is in the balance and it would be devastating if he were not amongst the living. I have you in my thoughts and hope for his improved mental health and for yours as well. Get involved in his care.

Aaron Jaymaes - posted on 07/20/2016

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hello i no haw you fiual my 19 year old step dorghter calls me all the taime

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