My 20 years old son is driving me insane

Alina - posted on 10/30/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Hello, I am new to this site and upon reading all the posts, I feel like I fit in just right. I am a mother of three a 20, 18 and 16 year old.

My younger sons are in college and high school and are doing alright. Not problem children.

I have been through hell and back with my 20 year old.

I started suspecting that he was smoking pot back when he was about 16 but I never was able to catch him. He then calmed down for about a year, when he was with a steady girlfriend. Late in 2011, I noticed that he started hanging around with some friends that were not good news. No interest in working, not attending his college classes and always making up an excuse. In early 2012, his behavior made me more suspicios that he was smoking pot and was always looking to make a buck. I found pot in his car but he told me that his friend left it there and I was so stupid that I believed it.

On April 9, I receive a call that my son had been arrested. It was the worst feeling in the world when that phone rang, but what made it worst were the charges he had.



1- Cocaine posession

1-Posession of Controlled Substance

1-Armed burglary-PUNISHABLE BY LIFE



No one could ever imagine what went through my mind and how this has affected me.



I as very angry, very hurt and very betrayed. I didnt want to even go to bond him out, but my parents insisted stating that he is my son and I could not turn my back on him.



According to my son, and his lawyer, he took responsibility for the drugs because he was the only adult in the car and he did not want to be charged with selling drugs, especially to minors.



On the charges of the burglary, and according to my son, HIs friends had asked him for a ride because they did not have a care, so he dropped them off and then picked them up later, it just so happens that they were breaking in to that house and the cops showed up.



I didnt know what to believe and I still dont know what to believe.



To make a long story short, he was not allowed bond and was kept confined for almost a month. ALl charges were droppped but he was required to attend a drug program for 12 months which consists of seeing a therapist 2xs a week and dropping uring and attending narcotics anonymous meetings 2xs a week and also reporting to the court every 6 weeks.



APRIL 9 WAS THE DAY THAT CHANGED ME FOREVER. I felt like a part of me was torn out completely, I have never been able to trust my son again and everything he tells me, I second guess.



The first few months were constant bickering and I constantly reminded him of what a let down he was...of how his wrong decisions and not listening to us, ended him up in jail....



As of August, my son is attending college and now also working full time in a lawyers office. He is a bit overwhelmed because it takes up a lot of his time. He also goes to the therapist and to the NA meetings BUT YESTERDAY, a girl shows up at my house stating that he owes her $96 and he has not paid her.



AUTOMATICALLY all the feeling of suspicions came back. He states that he asked her for that money becuase he had not been paid this week and had to pay his cell, but with all thats happened in the past few months, I do not believe a word coming out of his mouth. He did come home and meet her and pay her the money he owed, but that event has brought me back to APRIL 9 2012.



The feeling of deciet is terrible. I am worried that my son is, once again, going of the path. I do not know how to proceed and its terrible. His actions a few months ago have left a permanent scar that does not heal. Its the pain of being lied to, of being fooled, of being taken advantage of and now..... that I thought he was finally getting on the right track,,,this happens...so I think the worse......



Can someone give me opinions of what they think of this situation. As a mother, I have been faced with making the hardest decisions in my life and now I need to now how to move on and accept.



He is 20 years old, he works and studies... I do not ask him to pay anything...He pays his cellphone, his cable bill and the court appointed therapist along with his gas and lunch.



His grandmother pays for his car and his insurance. We do not give him money at all.



I dont know what to think, I dont know what to do, I am so confused and scared that my son is deviating .......

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Kristin - posted on 10/30/2012

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I agree with Michelle. Make him accountable for his actions, and make him responsible. Maybe seek counseling for yourself to learn to heal and trust your son again. Legally he is an adult and he makes his own choices. Have faith that you raised him right and that his time in jail made him realize what he wants out of life. To me it sounds like he is making smarter choices already by going to school and working. If you feel you can not live with him than ask him to move out and give him a time frame. I also feel that you need to quit only thinking of yourself, in all your statements it is all about how you feel. Have you actually thought about how your son feels and whathe wants?? every parent is hurt at some point by their children but thats when we need to "man up " and deal with our kids. My 16 year old got caught smoking pot and he was told the consequences of it. if he goes to jail he goes to jail I cant stop that nor will i bail him out. I dont feel hurt and betrayed that he lied to me all teens have lied at some point to their parents. We cant control our kids we need to be the adults and guide them in the right direction to make them happy. I am sad my son smoked pot but he also gave it up and i looked deep down inside me to help rebuild the lost trust in him. It was slow but I trust that i raised him with good morals and values and that he will make the smart choices. You also need to trust your son because being mistrustful, angry and resentful towards them will not help either one of you.

Michelle - posted on 10/30/2012

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He is 20 years old it is time for you to cut the cord so to speak and make him stand on his own two feet. Start by implementing a set amount of rent for room and board does not have to be a lot but enough that he is required to be responsible. He needs to be responsible for his own car and insurance payments these are all things that grown ups need to do again if the payments are more than he can afford you can make the payments smaller. He will always be a recovering drug addict they are not cured and yes can get sucked back into that lifestyle. However if his money is tied up in rent, car payments and real life stuff like food and such he does not have it to spend on drugs.

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User - posted on 11/05/2012

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Alina,

I too, have a son about your son's age (He will be 20 in March) and I think that your son is finally on the right path..from all you have said. I've been to counselling (Both family and marital) and I learned that I kind of try to control certain parts of my life (including -back then-my son's and my husband's). I am in no way a "control freak" but I did learn that I had to let go of certain things and let them both make their own choice. However, recently, I found out that my son had lied to me about his "ex" girlfriend. He had told me that he broken up with her, and then I found out he started dating her again and did not tell me. (She's still in high school and is too young for him (she's only 17..and supposedly has cheated on him and has a bunch of mental issues..so you probably can understand that I would like him to meet someone his own age). Anyway, that broke my trust in him a bit and I have a hard time now believing the things he says about the situation he is in with her. We want to protect our kids, no matter how old they are, but we have to learn to just let go and let them make their own mistakes. If your son is showing you that he is working hard to do the right thing, then let him. Like others on here, I agree that maybe you should seek counselling so you can get past the PAST and look towards the future with him. I understand what you are trying to say about the cut thing...I've been there (Not with my son...with my husband)...you have to try to remember to forgive that incident and accept it and move on. A therapist can definitely help you with that:) Good luck! :)!

Alina - posted on 10/31/2012

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Thank you for all of your comments/opinions. First of all, I would like to clarify that my son does pay some expenses such as cable, his cellphone bill, his car maintenance/gas(which is about 1/3 his paycheck because he works 25 miles from home),his breakfast and lunch and his court appointed therapy. Yes, he does urine drops 2 x s a week when he goes to therapy (which he pays $50 a week). As for car/ins, the grandparents of all 6 grandkids have always bought them all a car upon high school graduation and pay for insurance because in Florida and due to their age, it is very very expensive. But yes, he does have to pay some of his stuff and he also gives me $40 a week for food or whatever i need. I do not FORCE him to give me money, I am aware of his expenses.

He has respected my rules and is sticking to the curfew of 1:00am on Friday and Saturday ( i dont care if hes 20 but I will not be up all night waiting and worrying).

Also, I have noticed that his attitude and personality is much better. He used to be more agressive and upset all the time... Now, hes much better, at least we get along much better. It is very difficult to look at him and not remember everything I went through. It was a very tough time for us. Especially me. I never expected my son to be in a situation like that. My boys were raised in a Cuban family and they practically went everywhere with us.. Obviously, he also had his friends and places he would go also.. But, as soon as he started to hang out with the some old friends from school, I had a bad vibe that they were no good. I spoke to him, my husband spoke to him.. EVERY SINGLE DAY, we reminded him and he still didnt listen.

THAT IS WHAT HURT ME.... THAT it happened, even thought, I warned him that eventually his friends were no good.



Regardless, that passed and it has been tough. Especially for me. Now, every single thing that occurs takes me back to 6 months ago, its like a cut, that opens and reheals and opens and reheals etccc. I do hope that someone understands what i am trying to say.



I do appreciate all the input from you moms out there. It really does help when someone tells you..been there done that......but no matter what, Its not easy....

I am and have always been there for my kids....no matter what....they are open with me and sometimes even tooooo open , but I dont complain,,,thats the level of trust... but when you feel betrayed its difficult ....very difficult......

but thank you again, i am basically taking it day be day.....

as of now, he is working full time and going to community college in the pm...his plans are to go to the university in central florida but he is waiting that his drug program is complete in the spring and his expungement , so that he can go and everything be in the clear. I respect his ambitiion to finish his studies and i support him. I am also glad that he is going overthere and not studying here... I thinnk its better to get away for awhile. Anyways, i wll keep posting.. hopefully positive events not negative ones. Thank you again.

Patricia - posted on 10/30/2012

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hello my name is patricia and I had the same problems untill I had my son move out and stop enableing him and his bad behavior....he burned every bridge and was made to figure it out now he stands on his own as tough as it was but has learned how..... tough love is the best way and effective....I didnt pay for his insurance and he drove anyway until he was pulled over and then lost the car was high on pot & booze had to go to court and all.... well now he knows that paying your tags your insurance, is better than walking ......dont be under the influence its not worth it......if you want a cell phone and all the specials then you pay for it.....im here to love you always ,feed you a special mom dinner that nobody can make but me....give you some pointers and advice when you want it......long story made very short hes doing great even if it was hard for him aswell as me but hesw a grown up now for it and its great but there still are a fewmembers of the familly that are still pissed at him but all is good....... good luck....

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/30/2012

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Well, since Grandma is paying for his car and insurance, and you're paying for his room and board (essentially, since he's living in your house, rent free and doesn't have to contribute to the household), you're giving him free reign to purchase whatever he wants with the money he has left from gas, lunches, and his court ordered therapy and phone. And, well, I'm sorry, but you're allowing the dependent, addictive behaviour to continue.



Your son will continue to make poor choices because he's gotten off easily in the past. You said yourself, the first charges were dropped, and his punishment was to go to NA, and therapy. Did he have to do mandatory UA's during his therapy? Has anyone UA'd him since the questionable event?



Because, I've gotta say, either you raised one NAIVE boy, or he's a hellova liar. Anyone who's 20 years old that falls for the "can you give us a ride and pick us up later" from a group of kids younger than himself, who claims to have "taken the blame" for the drugs found in his car so that he wouldn't be popped for selling to minors...Ok, first of all, if there were drugs AND minors in the same car with him, the charges should have not only been the possession and burglary, but also contributing to the deliquency of minors.



So, my harsh but straight opinion is that you're doing him no favors whatsoever. Neither is grandma. You both need to put a stop to it. This MAN is 20 years old and working full time for a lawyer. so he's not making minimum wage here. He can darn well afford a monthly amount to you for his room, and additional amount for his food. He can darn well afford car insurance, and if the car payment's too much then he can sell the car and either trade down for one he can afford, or walk and use public transportation.



Once he's paying ALL of his own expenses, THEN you've made an adult out of him. My 18 yo isn't working full time, but he darn well pays for his portion of the insurance, he pays for his gas, and he gives me a monthly amount towards his room and board. Your son will never grow up as long as you keep enabling him.

Kristin - posted on 10/30/2012

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Trust is hard to rebuild thats why i suggested counselling and talk to your son. Communication is key and no child likes to disappoint their parents. Im 33 and still scared of my mom lol. She is also a worrier and paranoid person so i avoided telling her certain things as a teen lol My mom and i actually ended up having a very rocky relationship and eventually went to counselling together when I was 18. I had a child at 16 and my mom kikced me out of the home so it was tough to deal with but we did it and i am thankful she did what she did. She had a hard time accepting my choices because they were not what she would have choose nor was it the choices she wanted for me but the choices i made were good for me. I also thinl yoir son did learn his lesson but he will still make mistakes and main thing is that he can come to you without judgement for guidance and support.

Alina - posted on 10/30/2012

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i do agree with your comment as well as the previous one. I do not give him any money whatsoever. He has a full time job and he pays his expenses. I live in a constant paranoid state, ever since that April incident, and every thing he does, makes my mind wander.



I do understand that we all make mistakes and learn from them.. I also understand that the experience of sitting in a jail for 10 days must not have been a nice one for him....but as a parent, that has always been there for her kids....i feel let down and its very very tough to start trusting again.

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