my 30 year old son got his girlfriend of 2 years pregnant. He wants to help raise the baby but doesnt want to live with the mom or marry her?

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Jodi - posted on 04/22/2014

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He is well within his right to want to be involved in his child's life but not live with or marry her. Many parents co-parent children successfully without having a relationship with each other. In fact, if he doesn't want to be with her, then he shouldn't.

Decimus - posted on 04/23/2014

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Think of how horrible it will be when the mother is forced to be a single parent and the child knows their mom loved their dad but their dad didn't love their mom and left. How tragic. Tell him to stay with her and raise his family.

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Grace Garment - posted on 04/24/2014

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Talk to him about it about how it will affect the child massively and the mother and mabie even him

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/23/2014

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Decimus Meridius, what do you NOT understand?

"Think of how horrible it will be when the mother is forced to be a single parents and the child knows their mom loved their dad but their dad didn't love their mom and left. ~~They are NOT splitting up, and dad IS NOT leaving, nor does he intend to. He intends, as was stated in the OP, to CO-PARENT WITH HIS PARTNER IN RAISING THE CHILD.

He's not abandoning his responsibilities, he's not taking off into the darkness without a trace. HE AND HIS PARTNER HAVE MADE THE CHOICE TO NOT ENTER INTO A MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP. There's a big friggin difference!

You do realize, do you not, that children raised in a household where the parents forced a marriage tend to have more problems than children raised in two households where the parents are amiably co-parenting, don't you? Or are you one of those women who's "staying for the kids benefit"? Because, I assure you, if you're doing that, you're NOT benefiting your kids one bit.

And, again, I point out: You cannot call this a 'forced' pregnancy. Consensual intercourse was entered into by two adult parties, a child was created, and the two consensual parties determined that their course of raising the child would be to co parent from two homes, rather than FORCING a marriage and divorce later on.

Decimus - posted on 04/23/2014

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The child is forced into existence against their will. No one asks to be born. If people are going to go around creating human beings they should take care of them, which means growing up with both mom and dad. They don't need to get married to give their child that, they just need to live together in the same house. Its a huge deal for a kid whether they grow up with both parents or if they grow up in a single parent home. Whether they get a marriage certificate is irrelevant, what matters is the kid grows up in a house with both mom and dad there.

Chris - posted on 04/23/2014

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Yes! How do they do this thou especially when the child is an infant? They have informed me that the girls's friend wants to give them a couple's shower and we can invite all of our friends. They have not told but two of their friends and same with us.

He told us he does not love the girl but loves things about her. She does love him. He feels he needs to tell her so she understands but doesn't want to hurt her. He says she will be crushed. Especially now.

She is 35 he is 32. She missed two BC pills. They didn't tell anyone including us intil she was 5 months pregnant. She has not come to see us even though I was telling my son I wanted to see her to let her know we were supporting them and the baby.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/23/2014

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Sounds like they've discussed this, and made an informed decision based on their personal lives. They've committed to raising the child together, and coparenting, and they're moving forward with that.

That is more than some people have. Some women are left in the lurch, and in other cases, the woman will endure the pregnancy only to leave the baby on dad's doorstep and run.

You need to be proud of the responsible adult you raised, rather than allow yourself to be bothered by the fact that they're not married. Would you rather they get married, have a miserable relationship, argue, fight, inhibit your grandchild's healthy development, and follow up with a divorce, and the subsequent court proceedings? Or would you rather they work together to raise your grandchild in a loving situation?

Chris - posted on 04/23/2014

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Thank you for your responses. They were not planning to get pregnant. She missed two pills. she is 35 my son is 32. She loves him but he has told us he doesn't love her. He loves things about her but not in love with her. Yes, he intends to co parent but doesn't want to live with her.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/23/2014

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Decimus, you're sorely mistaken if you think that marriage, in and of itself, is the key to a happy family life.

I know PLENTY of people who aren't married, have great families, and, in fact, are generally in a HEALTHIER family environment than one produced by a forced marriage because a baby was conceived.

Get out of the 16th century.

The most important thing here is that the OP's son intends to coparent with his partner, and raise the child together as a family.

Furthermore, they didn't 'force' someone into this world, they made a choice to be parents. There's a difference. He didn't RAPE his partner. If he had, then you could say that the child was 'forced' into existence, but in this case...Nope!

Decimus - posted on 04/23/2014

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He needs to marry her and build a happy family if he wants his kid to have a good life. If he marries her they might decide to have an open relationship, but that would be better then his kid growing up in a single parent home. He forced someone into this world, if he has any decency he will build a good home for that person to grow up in.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/21/2014

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As long as they're in agreement, it's not as uncommon as it used to be.

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