My boyfriends teenaged kids

Edan Moon - posted on 07/12/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend has teenage kids that are a bit spoiled. He is a pushover and borderline alcoholic. i have some health issues and two A.S.D. kids. I get sick often and have much on my plate. I get along fine with his teens but am reluctant also to connect with them more on a deeper level since he is a borderline alcoholic and a pushover. This is too much for me to handle and he treats them like they are babies still.

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Raye - posted on 07/14/2015

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If it's too much and doesn't seem to be working out, then maybe it's not the right relationship. You don't need to be walking on eggshells with his drinking, and he needs to be a parent to his kids. Seems like a disaster waiting to happen. You should think about your health, and that of your own kids, and decide if the added element of the relationship is going to help you or hinder you. You probably already know what you should do.

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Edan Moon - posted on 07/16/2015

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Wow...wake up call indeed...you are right again...neither one of us is truly completely available to eachother...he drinks to hide and I accepted it for too long because I am not ready for this type of commitment...wow...thank you for your honesty and time...greatly appreciated...GBU

Raye - posted on 07/16/2015

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You're not a bad person for needing to take care of yourself. You can't be your best for your family if you're not well, so taking care of you is essential to a happy family.

A relationship should be give and take. If your man can't give as much as he gets, then the relationship is not an equal partnership. An equal partnership may not be that you split the chores 50/50 or split the finances in half. An equal partnership is being emotionally invested and committed to the other person. It's supporting each other and trying to make things work; not avoiding the problems, but facing them together. It should be open communication. It should be understanding each other's needs, and the needs of the kids, and devising a plan together to see that those needs are met. When one person is left to struggle through these challenges on their own, that breeds resentment, frustration, and hostility.

Both people in an unequal partnership are usually motivated by fear. Your BF seems terrified of letting people get close to him. You are probably also afraid of intimacy even though it appears that you want it badly. Why else would you pick someone who can’t give it to you? When the relationship is based on fear, there's not much hope except by overcoming the fear. Both people have to be willing, if the relationship is to hold together. He won't change unless he wants to, and it doesn't seem like he wants to. He's probably very unhappy, too, but he probably feels safe in the cocoon that you've woven around him. And you're also afraid to change, because the unknown is always scary to face. But something has to change, right? It can't keep going on like this. You can't change him, you can only change yourself. Stop banging your head against a brick wall and expecting the wall to give. It won't. So, when the path ahead is blocked, you need to turn and go in a different direction.

Edan Moon - posted on 07/15/2015

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Thank you kindly for your response Raye Ramsey...You are correct in that this element is not beneficial but detrimental since my own children and my health are a different dynamic altogether. I guess its just sometimes it kind of bothers me that when his kids are over every other weekend plus Thursdays and if I get sick which I have and often do, of course they are going to question it...He does not stand up for me...seems he gets distant out of frustration...come Sundays he comes home late and i am left to care for myself often...he also has an elderly mother who's just beginning to show signs of dementia...his mother always manipulated and controlled him while treating him like a baby...it sounds awkward I know...once she tried taking his pants off while he was asleep to put on his pajamas....But now she has early dementia and I fully respect that he needs to be there for her...I have started a business from home because of my condition and I am very focused with the bits of time I have when I am well and I try explaining this to him...I cannot handle his issues and mine so when his kids get angry because I am sick often they think its a lie but I am sick...its awful...when i do have time, i have to share it with my own children and then myself and then him...its just too much for me to try and be a step parent to a 14, 16 and 20 year old who are also set in their ways....sry this is long...I feel like a bad person and he just doesnt get it at all....

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